I'm a RPG gamer who writes for fun, however I don't mind doing one shot stories, so pm me if you want to make a request
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Battle Path is usually a modern sci-fi fantasy story, but I'm now putting a pony twist.
Rainbow Dash finally returns after she spent four years away. Except for the fact that her home wasn't the same as she left it. Ponyville, canterlot, and yes even cloudsdale has been taken over by a new ruler. Rainbow Dash is literally the only one left to stop the madness. She must find her missing friends and find the missing elements of harmony.
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This seems interesting I'll watch it, but I think you can slow down the pace a smidge.
4024539 well I guess I can try extending the story. If that's what you are implying.
4024699 well what I mean is like, the fight scene was fine. An example would be like I dunno Rainbow asking Cake if he was ok, or what was going on. Maybe a bit more boasting from the general. Also, 7 generals!? I can't wait to see them!
4024717 Giga will reappear with two others later when Rarity faces off against Rainbow Dash in a tournament. At the time Fluttershy and Applejack have joined the group. Unlike Fluttershy and Applejack, Rarity won't help at first. Plus at that time, the first element is found. Sadly it is the prize for the tournament.
4024769 nice, quick question, would any pony we know be a general? (I could totally see Fleur de Lis being an enchantress or something)
4024792 well I had not planned to have an enchantress, but there will be a general female that is a huntress. She wields two bladed whips, though I haven't decided anypony for her. I might just do Fleur De Lis for her. Can you imagine that?
4024866 yeah I can totally see it! Fleur de Lis being super obsessed with beauty and pleasing her lord Discord.
4024883 ha ha, that's perfect!
4024887 if she dies I can totally hear her having like a last orgasmic wale, screaming "Lord Discourrrrrrddddd!!!"
4024887 She's the fiercely loyal type.
Interesting story you have going on. Just asking, could you tell me what Battle Path: Skyward Chronicles is or something? I tried goggling and I came up short.
4037610 sorry it was a comic book a friend made. Probably should have mentioned it. The animation was bad that he didn't get it published. He plans to be a video game designer so he can share the battle path universe to everyone. He still makes the comics and his artwork is getting better. Skyward Chronicles is the seventh installment and my favorite that he did, I'll reveal why later. I also asked him if I can do a brony version of it. He said yes, but for two reasons. I do the story how it is and reveal the real names of the characters. Like that Rainbow Dash is actually Sky the Silversky bird folk. The legendary weapons of Skyward is replaced by the elements of harmony. Considering that they're six elements and six weapons. Again I'm sorry about not mentioning it in the authors note, I probably should have.
I am fifth like! Bow before me peons!
Except for author...
4054645 ha ha! That's funny. Glad your enjoying the story.
4038800 ohh well I hope your friend meets his goal and I hope you keep the story up, it's kinda peeked my interest
4060130 will do.
Dude, I'm sorry if I'm coming off as an ass here but... fucking hell man? I can understand a few grammatical and spelling mistakes (hell, I'm even guilty of that) but the frequency that these mistakes occur really fucks up the flow of the story. However, I find the concept quite intriguing, crossing these universes. Sadly, it is rather repetitive and extremely rushed. Moreover, the story is very forced: you are forcing some situations to the point of "rag dolling" the characters, making them little more than husks to throw around being blind, deaf, and lacking the ability to interact with the world around them. The exceptions to this are: when rainbow stormed off and, in a blood rage, ripped ten men apart bare handed (honestly, somthing I'd do in a similar situation), dash's wind strike through the peephole, and rainbow dash's initial refusal to bathe with fluttershy and later her firm insistence that she wash herself below the belt. It is things like this that make the story immersive and allow the reader to enjoy the tale. In summary, you have to fix up grammar a good bit, so practice. Find some people who will help you edit. Make sure you slow down the story a good bit and give a lot of detail (you just did these three chapters in under 10000 words, now I'm not an awesome writer, but I can stretch this to (and even beyond) 50000 with details and character development as well as what runs through dash's mind. Oh, almost forgot, back story needs hard work. I suggest rewriting this fic to include a little about each character before the shit hit the fan, then the results show up (like what did the person do before, what happened to them personally, what is their current occupation and what qualifies them for the job [I.e. a dream, a vendetta, a promise to a friend, personal obligation etc.]).
I'm sorry if I caused you trouble, these are just suggestions in rant form. I hope that you, as an author, take these into account and use them to improve you story as well as hone your (blatantly obvious) potential as a writer.
Sincerely, your fellow brony-in-arms,
BlackJack
5035006 first, thanks for the advice. I truly appreciate it.
Second, I don't have good editor for this story yet, so I apologize for that and still looking into it.
Third, for the background, I do plan it do the personal chapter. For all six characters, like how they meet, why Rainbow left, how everyone became who they are now, but that is chapters later when all six are together.
Fourth, the name BlackJack. Are you referring to the card game or the mare from Fo:E project horizons?
Next one?