For many years, I wondered why there was always a statue in the park...one of a hooded stallion, hood pulled over to the point all you saw was his muzzle...he wore a hooded robe and a jacket, as well as these odd arm and leg braces...
4244131 *nods* Just make sure you desscribe the conflict that is going to happen with enough details for someone who can do this to make the game. Describe the places, the people, everything.
I thought I'd give you a critic for this story, since you asked me to read it. I hope I don't sound too much of a dick here, but I'll give you my honest and best advice.
So, your story looks promising and your main character has some depth about him. That's good! My concerns are mostly with pacing and giving the audience more description.
You've implied that you're main character has recurring nightmares, yes? Tell me about them. This is great for building personality and characterization. Make me feel the character's emotions when I read about him. This will make him more believable.
Now, the thing I noticed that most was your descriptions. For example, read over this paragraph.
He leapt off the ledge of the roof, his hoof landing on a lamp-post. He kicked off of it, grabbing onto another lamp-post and swinging off of it into a house. He rolled as he landed inside and continued to run, but not before leaving some bits on the floor so the family inside could fix their now broken window. He then jumped and landed on a wooden stump and kicked off of it to the side, where he grabbed onto some bricks that had jutted out of a house slightly. He immediately climbed up and spun as he landed on the roof. He then leapt into a tree that was at the entrance to the Everfree Forest and moved from tree to tree.
What do you notice? It's repetitive.
I'm gonna lay down the classic writing rule: Show, not tell. Here you are telling me what is happening in a continuous list. This is okay, but you need to brake it up a bit to keep the reader on their toes. For example, show me the surrounding, the character's thoughts and emotion, the way he jumps, the types of buildings etc.
Finally, pacing. Dude, slow down! Haha. Take a little time to establish things. I know you want to rush in the good stuff of the story, but if you do that, then everyone can tell. For example, the ambushing scenes. These are suppose to be action-pacted and full of suspense. He is an assassin after all. I felt like you brushed past them. Gimme some action boy!
All in all, I think this has great potential, and you seem to have your story fleshed out. Just take a little time to think about/analyse your writing. Good job.
MIdnight comments: very contrived really the royal (regal whatever) sisters with only TWO guards you gotta be fkn kidding me, dante, no training, whips , what happened to steely (yes I am calling him that shut up and finish the comment) after he helped dante up? waht about the WEAPONS everypony (anthro whatever) just happened to be completely unarmed and finally what the hell are the regal (royal whatever) sisters doing in ponyville and how does dante move place to place (canterlot; ponyville) so damn fast... any questions?
4251008 So, I was reading the comments on this chapter (Which I enjoyed because of my OC's appearence), and I found your comment.
Steely
Ahem... that nickname is extremely intimate. People only call me like that when begging for something, or if the person is a very intimate friend of mine. So, please.
Regarding the story in overall... you could use some improvement, friend. Add details on the surroundings. The characters, the emotions. You could say something like this:
His sword, long and sharp, stood still in the air. It's blade seemed to be intimidating.
Also, slow down, mostly because you tend to switch scene pretty fast. This has got great potential, though.
4281306 I was unaware of the fact that steel [insert rest of name here] was an OC and as such was refering to the charachter, not you, as steely maybe music within us should mention who the OCs are then this misunderstandfing would not have happened
4281343 okay okay *inhales deeply*... *exhales deeply* " I am relaxed, here have a follower that will read whatever you have written sometime in the future as he is busy at the present".... I am long winded
KAMAKAZEEE!
4244104 What?
4244106 KAMAKAZEE
4244110 I don't understand...
Well if you portray what is going to happen well enough, someone might just do that
4244121 Might just do what?
4244125 Make a game on it. *nods* I mean, it has happened before.
4244129 Really? So, you think I got a shot?
4244131 *nods* Just make sure you desscribe the conflict that is going to happen with enough details for someone who can do this to make the game. Describe the places, the people, everything.
4244139 Wow. You...are a true friend...to give me that little boost of confidence it...it makes me cry, you know? Excuse me for a sec...
4244142 *smiles and nods* Grazie
4244144 Okay, I just came back from wiping the tears off my face.
Hey, MWU
I thought I'd give you a critic for this story, since you asked me to read it.
I hope I don't sound too much of a dick here, but I'll give you my honest and best advice.
So, your story looks promising and your main character has some depth about him. That's good!
My concerns are mostly with pacing and giving the audience more description.
You've implied that you're main character has recurring nightmares, yes? Tell me about them. This is great for building personality and characterization. Make me feel the character's emotions when I read about him. This will make him more believable.
Now, the thing I noticed that most was your descriptions. For example, read over this paragraph.
What do you notice? It's repetitive.
I'm gonna lay down the classic writing rule: Show, not tell. Here you are telling me what is happening in a continuous list. This is okay, but you need to brake it up a bit to keep the reader on their toes. For example, show me the surrounding, the character's thoughts and emotion, the way he jumps, the types of buildings etc.
Finally, pacing. Dude, slow down! Haha. Take a little time to establish things. I know you want to rush in the good stuff of the story, but if you do that, then everyone can tell. For example, the ambushing scenes. These are suppose to be action-pacted and full of suspense. He is an assassin after all. I felt like you brushed past them. Gimme some action boy!
All in all, I think this has great potential, and you seem to have your story fleshed out. Just take a little time to think about/analyse your writing. Good job.
4244384 Thank you for the great criticism.
4244388 No problem.
OMG AWESOME
4244669 Just curious but; what do you mean?
4246382 Oh. Thank you for such a compliment.
MIdnight comments: very contrived really the royal (regal whatever) sisters with only TWO guards you gotta be fkn kidding me, dante, no training, whips , what happened to steely (yes I am calling him that shut up and finish the comment) after he helped dante up? waht about the WEAPONS everypony (anthro whatever) just happened to be completely unarmed and finally what the hell are the regal (royal whatever) sisters doing in ponyville and how does dante move place to place (canterlot; ponyville) so damn fast... any questions?
4251008 ......logic that's how
4252555 Don't worry, I explained on his user page the accidentally left out issues.
4251008 So, I was reading the comments on this chapter (Which I enjoyed because of my OC's appearence), and I found your comment.
Ahem... that nickname is extremely intimate. People only call me like that when begging for something, or if the person is a very intimate friend of mine. So, please.
Regarding the story in overall... you could use some improvement, friend. Add details on the surroundings. The characters, the emotions. You could say something like this:
Also, slow down, mostly because you tend to switch scene pretty fast. This has got great potential, though.
4265822 Okay. By the way, someone else used that nickname. I used it because it was easier.
4265834 Damn. The comment on my nickname was directed to the other guy, while the criticism was directed to you. Sorry.
4265841 It's okay.
4273691 What?
4265822 okay I just figured they didn't know each other good enough for nicknames, I did not mean to insult you, I am sorry.
4281293 You didn't insult me there, friend. I was just saying that it is way TOO intimate. Don't worry
4281306 good, insulting is bad and these are dark times in the fandom, would you not agree?
4281312 Meh. I don't even care about insults. They don't hurt me. But the fandom is getting weirder as time passes. Indeed it is.
4281306 I was unaware of the fact that steel [insert rest of name here] was an OC and as such was refering to the charachter, not you, as steely maybe music within us should mention who the OCs are then this misunderstandfing would not have happened
4281337 Like I said before, it's no trouble. Relax
4281343 okay okay *inhales deeply*... *exhales deeply* " I am relaxed, here have a follower that will read whatever you have written sometime in the future as he is busy at the present".... I am long winded