Rainbow Dash7,252 stories ·4,144 members
Transformations5,229 stories ·5,794 members
Completed Story Compendium21,048 stories ·1,701 members
Plan 9 from Equestria.2,024 stories ·366 members
Rage Reviews!1,082 stories ·1,628 members
Plan 9 From Equestria: 22,121 stories ·270 members
Fanfiction Encouragement58 stories ·45 members
Rainbow dash's dream of becoming a Wonderbolt finally came true. But after the first show with her in it, her appearance starts to change little by little. She soon begins to act strange and lose her memory. Can her friends save her before it's too late?
Page generated in 0.12 seconds
Total duration
862 users online
397,936 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Oh dear god why
What?
I apologise for not putting faces in this as I need to cut to the chase on this one.
Firstly, your punctuation needs some serious work. It ranges from being correct to incorrect with 'said' capitalised in the wrong places and your full stops or commas to end some of your sentences are non-existent. If a character is being addressed in speech, put a comma before their name.
Also for words that are meant to signify sound, put them in italics and not speech marks.
Secondly, why you chose to colour the names of the characters to signify their coats evades my understanding as this clarification is not only jarring, but needless.
My advice for future stories: flesh out your chapters, use a word document or ask someone for help. If you can't write without error, get an editor or a second opinion.
I understand that this is your first story, but the the execution makes me think that this is a troll-fic. If it is not, I am very sorry that it came across that way to me. I understand the pressure that new authors feel when publishing their work. People who downvote stories sometimes don't give reasons why. I have given my reasons and I hope they have been helpful. Good luck in any future stories you write.
I think this gave me epilepsy... and AIDS.
4187040
I don't want to be that guy (as I agree with you entirely), but I think your "Yes" example kind of sucked, too.
A little tip: chapters should very rarely be shorter than 1k words, that's pretty much a preferred minimum.
How someone can have nine chapters and only one thousand four hundred and forty three words is beyond me...
"Really, cause I think we've already won" Then twilight stabbed spitfire in her heart... fucking hell that escalated quickly
4187024 Well, at least you liked it a little.
-
"Dash" needs to be capitalized.
4187249 So
or 
-
4187545 Is "it wasn't good, please improve" a valid answer?
You could read other stories, books, guides on writing. I don't know, just make sure to improve.
This person screams troll if their freaky looking avatar doesn't then their story does.
this.....this kills brain cells
4187594
1. I drew the avatar
2.Sorry, but this is the first whole story I've written, every thing else that I've written is just a story outline, nothing more.
-
m.quickmeme.com/img/cd/cd2b4793950aee02cab6808d9592838c1f6da982a783eb71b0f4eadfe529a639.jpg
4187673 Sorry to say, but this is what I would consider story outline.
When I write a quick story outline before I forget the idea, it looks alot like this before I go back and flesh things out. The counter on the right side of the index should be reading 1000 or more by the time you finish a chapter. (about 5-7 pages)
Check out some of the stuff in groups like "Writing Gold" in the "groups" button on the site page headers. There's a list on the right-hoof side of reccomended groups.
4187673
A first story will be why a story is subpar, or has plotholes. It does not excuse something that is unfinished, or simply terrible. Don't hide behind your first work, embrace that fact and make sure it is ready to be published, that way you give a good first impression.
4188335 Yeah, I know, when I get better at writing stories I'll rewrite it. So please stop the negative comments until I announce that I rewrote it.
-
How the hell does a story with 9 chapters have a total word count of less than 2k words?
4187592 If you didn't like it then why do you keep commenting on it? If you want I can delete it so no one has to suffer through it ever again, or I can improve it one day. But you have to understand that I need practice, not negativity.
-
Decided to read it, just to see why it's so bad.
Why? I couldn't get past the first chapter.
The story needs editing badly, try writing on a word document it will help. Then get someone to proof read before you post anything. I made the same mistake myself, also im sorry people are being so cruel. It's not right to be mean, but helpful criticism is a must. There are writing guides on the site that you can read, there long but helpful.
4190217 Thank you for your support
. I asked some people on monsterhighdolls.com because they're nicer, so let's see their suggestions. How come no one talks about the story plot though, it's always on how I wrote it, not the story itself. Now I'm going to take it down for a little while, will that make every one feel better?
-
Tell me how you like it now. I still have to rewrite the rest of the story though.
P.S. Sorry that it's still kinda short, but at least I went into a little more detail.
-
Well, you still need to work on grammar.
Also, try to make longer, more in-depth paragraphs. It's much better than writing these really short ones.
And it still comes off as rushed, I'd recommend you flesh it out. Nonetheless, this is an improvement.
As I said, you need to flesh things out. The current chapters are way too compressed and short to really evoke any satisfaction out of the reader.
Other than that: The grammar needs work, and that's about it as far as I can see...
10/10 art
better than Mozart
Well the story itself is great, but I have to say that maybe a bit more detail would do your story a little help, trust me I'm currently writing my first fanfic so I kinda know where you're coming from
Here I Go… Again...
Good thing I’m not a pony, otherwise I’d be forced to live in the delusion that I thought this story was any good. But continue telling me about how this day is going to go anyway.
What’d you get into, Rainbow? Not sure? Neither am I. It’s not like it’s in the title or anything. Though you could tell us, Mr. Writer and it would help us to figure something out.
Now, I know that she’s excited and all, but you could you let us know what was exactly said in the letter? No? I thought so...
Now hold on there, I know what’s coming and every writer is guilty of it bu-
Well, I can’t say that I’ve never done this before, so I’ll give you that much room. But I intend to fix any issue with this. Pinkie is random, but not so much like this. She’s matured! So, if you do rewrite this please show us her progression. Or just put as little effort as possible to explain the unexplainable like you did here.
Okay, first off. Twilight, this library belongs to Ponyville. Now let me go get my Gary Stu fighters to teach you a lesson in respect for the fellow pony.
Second of all. She’s done it before and all you can say is,
But whatever, not like I’m writing this story or anypony is OOC… Continuing on.
I Don’t.
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRca-9hhYFYT7oCZLM0OdBsRSfsEcwW_7vP0zrZQPQ12XTEW7dyKw
Never figured that one out. Nor do I know why this had to be bolded. An exclamation point, a question mark, a period, or just anyone of these things would really help this story during it’s laughable dialogue sequences.
At least you attempted to put in a comma though. Congrats, Author.
Yeah, that is miniscule and I might be called a nit picker, but would you rather me miss such an obvious thing. I thought not.
Now hold up! Rarity can’t be that stupid! Damn… The Wonderbolts probably get fitted by real triple A shit. Rarity might be good, but what’s better than an official uniform?! Dammit, Rarity! Get with the times! Now back to the story...
Grammar is needed, but other than that and the Rarity Sex Dungeon that may be waiting for our Rainbow Heroine. I see not too much to bitch about. Lucky for you, Mr. Author.
Only one reason why she couldn’t stay still.
Or that may have been what Rarity was fiddling with… Who knows.
I don’t like other people touching me either.
BULLSHIT! But continue where she left off Rainbow.
Because she has never told you before, Fluttershy.
Well, I was going to just quote the rest with improvement on grammar, but this chapter felt the need to throw more shit in to try and make us keep reading. Thanks Filler.
It’s not MLP without a damn song. Rainbow, you should know this.
Seductive shy best make it absolutely work out for the night. Also, Ninjago references for some reason? Why? What the fuck?! Anyway… I’m pretty much done. Here we go, two lines!
I better be going too guys, at least there isn’t a second chap-
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/180153/2/rainbow-dash-the-wonderbolt/chapter-2-opening-night
AWWWWWWWW DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i.imgur.com/02Ohujy.png
i.imgur.com/tsEGHw1.png?1
Well, that’s my rating. Now, there are plenty of ways to fix this fic. Give it better dialogue, improve the grammar, make the characters not be so bland. It kinda grates after a little bit of reading and makes me want to stop at all costs. But it could be improved many ways further than what it is. I would love a rewrite in high quality.
4202389 I thought that the song would fit Rainbow Dash because she likes any thing awesome and I love Ninjago.
Your comment made my laugh by the way.
-
4201944 Is that sarcasm, because I'm on regular KINDLE Fire, so I have no camera, just a drawing app that I suck at because I'm much better at drawing with a pencil and paper.
-
So how would you guys like it if I gave Derpy a cameo in all my stories?
-
4202673
no why would it be sarcasm
your art is beautiful with utmost grace
i envy it
4203353 Then you should see how I draw with a pencil and paper.
-
It's a great story, I'm not going to comment negatively on it seeing as I think you may be getting tired of them but putting that aside it's a pretty awesome story I liked it
4207319 Thanks, sorry that it's still kinda short, but I was working off of what I at first. I'm working on my next story already and Derpy's getting another cameo.
-
I liked the idea behind this but it needed a lot more fleshing out and there were some spelling errors ect. But other than that this has the potential for a good story.
Like you said, once you improve your skills you can always come back and flesh this out a bit more. Don't worry' bout the negative comments if the people aren't giving a legit excuse. I've only just started as well and my story probably needs improvement. 