It was a beautiful Monday morning in Equestria, the sun was shinning, and everypony was happy.
"Special delivery" yelled the mail pony.
"What's this," said Rainbow "I GOT IN".
Rainbow Dash was especially happy, she got letter from the Wonderbolts that said she was accepted into the team, so she was off to Twilight' s library.
On her way there she flipped and twirled through the air with excitement and almost did a few sonic rainbooms.
When she got there she was about to knock on the door, only for the door to burst open so she could be greeted by Pinkie.
"HidashiemypinkiesencetoldmethatsomponiesdreamcametruesoItoldeveryponytocomeherewhileIsetupaparty" said Pinkie rapidly as she popped out of nowhere.
"She just barged in here setting up this party up without my permission" said Twilight, as she prepared a piece of cake for Rainbow.
"Thanks everypony, you guys are the best, now who wants to see the good news" said Rainbow as she took the plate from Twilight.
"WE DO" said everypony.
"I'M A WONDERBOLT NOW" Said Rainbow holding up the letter.
"Congratulations, Rainbow" said Twilight.
"So when's yer first show" said AJ as she patted Rainbow on the back.
"Tomorrow in Canterlot" said Rainbow as she threw away the plate.
"Then let's start getting ready with costume measurements" said Rarity, "then I'll do your make-up early tomorrow morning".
"Fine," said Rainbow as Rarity used her magic to carry her out the door.
"Can you put me down now," said Rainbow as Rarity walked out the door.
"Sorry," said Rarity "now what color do you want your uniform to be, sequins or bedazzling, embroidery or fabric patches, how ab-,"
"Let me stop you there," said Rainbow as she put a hoof to Rarity's mouth "I just want a blue bodysuit with yellow trim and goggles, understood,". Then she let go of Rarity and took her hoof away from Rarity's mouth.
"We have reached are destination," said Rarity.
"Stand right there while I get the tape measure," said Rarity.
As Rarity measured, Rainbow couldn't stay still.
"Stay still Rainbow Dash" said Rarity as she tried to get a clear measurement.
"Sorry, but I don't like other ponies touching me" said Rainbow.
"Done, you can move now" said Rarity as she wrote down the measurements and made a pattern for the uniform.
"Finally" said Rainbow, stretching out her wings.
"Your costume will be ready tomorrow" said Rarity.
"OK" said Rainbow.
When she walked out the door, she was immediately greeted by Fluttershy.
"Uh, Rainbow, do you want a song for me to play for you tomorrow" said Fluttershy
"Sure" replied Rainbow.
On the way there they had a little conversation.
"So why do you want to be a Wonderbolt" asked Fluttershy.
"When I was just a little filly I went to a Wonderbolts show, and I loved it, they became my heroes," replied Rainbow "Then I did a sonic rainboom and because I was the first pony to ever do one, then I thought, hey I might be Wonderbolts material, so I trained hard through the rest of my childhood until I became the best flyer in all of Equestria".
"That's so inspirational" said Fluttershy.
"Thanks dude" replied Rainbow.
"We're here" said Fluttershy.
"Are you sure that this is really necessary ,Fluttershy" said Rainbow.
"Yes, absolutely, now which song do you like" she responded
After a hour of listening to birds chirp, she chose one called "H-O-R-S-E".
"Well, I better be going, bye, Fluttershy" said Rainbow.
"Bye, Rainbow" replied Fluttershy.
Rainbow came home around 7 o'clock at night. She made dinner, took a bath, brushed her teeth, and went to bed. As she tucked herself in bed she thought to herself 'Tonight I'm a nopony, tomorrow I'm famous'.
If you like it put , If you don't put , and if you just think it needs some work put
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I apologise for not putting faces in this as I need to cut to the chase on this one.
Firstly, your punctuation needs some serious work. It ranges from being correct to incorrect with 'said' capitalised in the wrong places and your full stops or commas to end some of your sentences are non-existent. If a character is being addressed in speech, put a comma before their name.
Also for words that are meant to signify sound, put them in italics and not speech marks.
Secondly, why you chose to colour the names of the characters to signify their coats evades my understanding as this clarification is not only jarring, but needless.
My advice for future stories: flesh out your chapters, use a word document or ask someone for help. If you can't write without error, get an editor or a second opinion.
I understand that this is your first story, but the the execution makes me think that this is a troll-fic. If it is not, I am very sorry that it came across that way to me. I understand the pressure that new authors feel when publishing their work. People who downvote stories sometimes don't give reasons why. I have given my reasons and I hope they have been helpful. Good luck in any future stories you write.
Why? I couldn't get past the first chapter. The story needs editing badly, try writing on a word document it will help. Then get someone to proof read before you post anything. I made the same mistake myself, also im sorry people are being so cruel. It's not right to be mean, but helpful criticism is a must. There are writing guides on the site that you can read, there long but helpful.
Well, you still need to work on grammar.
Also, try to make longer, more in-depth paragraphs. It's much better than writing these really short ones.
And it still comes off as rushed, I'd recommend you flesh it out. Nonetheless, this is an improvement.
Here I Go… Again...
Good thing I’m not a pony, otherwise I’d be forced to live in the delusion that I thought this story was any good. But continue telling me about how this day is going to go anyway.
What’d you get into, Rainbow? Not sure? Neither am I. It’s not like it’s in the title or anything. Though you could tell us, Mr. Writer and it would help us to figure something out.
Now, I know that she’s excited and all, but you could you let us know what was exactly said in the letter? No? I thought so...
Now hold on there, I know what’s coming and every writer is guilty of it bu-
Well, I can’t say that I’ve never done this before, so I’ll give you that much room. But I intend to fix any issue with this. Pinkie is random, but not so much like this. She’s matured! So, if you do rewrite this please show us her progression. Or just put as little effort as possible to explain the unexplainable like you did here.
Okay, first off. Twilight, this library belongs to Ponyville. Now let me go get my Gary Stu fighters to teach you a lesson in respect for the fellow pony.
Second of all. She’s done it before and all you can say is,
But whatever, not like I’m writing this story or anypony is OOC… Continuing on.
I Don’t.
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Never figured that one out. Nor do I know why this had to be bolded. An exclamation point, a question mark, a period, or just anyone of these things would really help this story during it’s laughable dialogue sequences.
At least you attempted to put in a comma though. Congrats, Author.
Yeah, that is miniscule and I might be called a nit picker, but would you rather me miss such an obvious thing. I thought not.
Now hold up! Rarity can’t be that stupid! Damn… The Wonderbolts probably get fitted by real triple A shit. Rarity might be good, but what’s better than an official uniform?! Dammit, Rarity! Get with the times! Now back to the story...
Grammar is needed, but other than that and the Rarity Sex Dungeon that may be waiting for our Rainbow Heroine. I see not too much to bitch about. Lucky for you, Mr. Author.
Only one reason why she couldn’t stay still.
Or that may have been what Rarity was fiddling with… Who knows.
I don’t like other people touching me either.
BULLSHIT! But continue where she left off Rainbow.
Because she has never told you before, Fluttershy.
Well, I was going to just quote the rest with improvement on grammar, but this chapter felt the need to throw more shit in to try and make us keep reading. Thanks Filler.
It’s not MLP without a damn song. Rainbow, you should know this.
Seductive shy best make it absolutely work out for the night. Also, Ninjago references for some reason? Why? What the fuck?! Anyway… I’m pretty much done. Here we go, two lines!
I better be going too guys, at least there isn’t a second chap-
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/180153/2/rainbow-dash-the-wonderbolt/chapter-2-opening-night
AWWWWWWWW DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Well, that’s my rating. Now, there are plenty of ways to fix this fic. Give it better dialogue, improve the grammar, make the characters not be so bland. It kinda grates after a little bit of reading and makes me want to stop at all costs. But it could be improved many ways further than what it is. I would love a rewrite in high quality.
Shining, you mean? Also, show don't tell.
Suggestion : Cut the everypony was happy part off and go more in depth about why is was beautiful. However, starting with a sentence about the weather is usually looked down on.
There should be an ! after delivery. If she is shouting, why isn't she shouting?
"Thanks everypony, you guys are the best! Now, who wants to hear the good news?",said Rainbow as she took the plate from Twilight.
Those are only SOME of the problems with this story, and this is only ONE chapter.
Also, you say Rainbow way too much. Her name is Rainbow DASH. Exchange the two every now and then with some she's.
You basically really need a proofreader. Unless you want a ton of negativity, actually make the story look finished. No one is going to respect your story if all they see is mistakes and OOC. Unless you have something important to do for every minute of your life while you are not at school, you should probably actually edit and revise your story. Otherwise, you really can't complain about all the hate you're getting. I mean, you seem like a decent person. However, you should really take our advice. Most writers start out like you, but they listen to their readers and work their scribbles into a masterpiece.
...I'll probably be back tomorrow or something to read the rest of your story.