Rainbow Dash never understood love. She just didn't get it- until Twilight Sparkle. Now, with an upcoming trip to Canterlot, Dash has decided that she has one week to make our newest princess fall in love with her, too.
Chapters (8)
- Member Since 1st Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Tuesday
Archangel of the Silent
My name is Thomas Cross, and let it be known that the world did not break me.
Archangel of the Silent
Joined 1st Apr, 2014 ·
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Well, I'm not much of a critique, but I have to say that for a first story, the setting is alright, You did way better than how I did my first story. You gave life to the characters. A bit of grammar errors, but that can be fixed later. I do notice that the chapters are short; It would be nice if they were longer,
unless, this was intended to be a short story. Keep up the good work!
Title should not say "My First Fiction." That's not something you should put in the title. Often I'd recommend against putting it prominently in the description either. Best place for it is an author's note at the end of the first chapter or so; that's what they'll generally read right before they'd be writing comments, and it doesn't predispose them to expect crap before they begin reading.
When the entire chapter can fit on your screen at one time, you're doing something wrong. In this case, it's both a lack of content and way too fast pacing.
4169251 it was intended to be short. People say I'm good at it, mostly my friends, but I don't enjoy purely romance stories.
4169711 I appreciate the critique. I'll be sure to address it.
4169284 I like you. You use big words. Plus, I see where your coming from. This is why I'm always so open to comments- truth be told, I'm not very good with things like that.
4169962 I've decided to break it into much shorter chapers here than I did when I was writing it. I hate being halfway through one and having to close out of the site, only to have to find my place later. What I'm trying to do is place frequent milestones to prevent that kind of frustration.
very, very interesting. couple of mistakes though, but keep working at it, and you will get it. GREAT Writing though, and cant wait for more!
4179596 oh, the stories finished, I just need to type it up. If you'd like, I'd appreciate help on my next story.
I laughed at the end there.
4196427 Glad I could bring a smile to somepony's face!
4170026
You shouldn't be writing them here on the site anyways. It's much easier if you write them in Microsoft Word, or on Google Docs and then import them onto the website.
4259538 Or, I could do it my way and write them out on paper first. That way, I don't require a computer to work, only to publish.
This was a good fic, I read it and enjoyed it.
That said, I think you should definitely combine the first three chapters together, they're very short and ending the first chapter with that intervention by Luna would make for a much better opening to the fic. Also, you should probably add the title of each chapter to the top of the page as well, it makes it a lot easier to notice a change of time or point of view.
4263963 I've heard that before. I might even get around to it, eventually.
4259550 Cute fic! I got a few lost at the start, but then I got it back on road :)
I loved this last chapter the most, an the part of Rares interrupting those two, my, that was simply priceless.
As for what you said, I happen to do that: I write my stories on paper, and then I clean them on Word.
Greetings!
4267993 that might be the nicest response to this story I've ever gotten.
Spelling! For the love of Celectia, check your spelling. Some of the words are incomplete and that just sucks me right back into crappy reality.
1 rule when it comes to Fanfiction no repeats Don't simply repeat what you have written in a previous chapter that is just lazy.
No ofance 
~Tobben
4283503 Ok... No idea what on ofance is.
Cute fic it wasn't the best i have ever read but sure as heck not the worst ether.
You really should get yourself a editor of some sort the spelling is all over the place mostly missing letters and odd formatting .
The story also lacks a bit of depth and detail it was also a bit on the short side.
Also almost half of chapter 7 is a repeat of the first half of chapter 3.
Which comes off as lazy and it brakes the immersion of the reader.
In short there is some talent there but there is a few things you need to work on.
I would start with a editor / pre reader to help out with spelling and formatting
I will be following you and i hope to see you grow as a writer and story teller
4284214 This was written long before I had an editor. The reason I wanted short is because I didn't particularly enjoy writing this. At all. I did it for a friend, and went as far as I could with it before it became self-torture.
4268010 Oh my, poor dear D: I send you hugs and good luck on your story ^^
I hope you get better responses o it soon :D
4287109 hugs... awkward.
Can't you just send Alexi copy of this? It wouldn't screw up your view count and they could read it as much as they want. You possibly could get them to edit it, however it is very unlikely. Just a suggestion.
This is what came up in my mind while reading the start of the Chapter
4450379 this was written long before I figured out the download button and I could email it... If he ever checked his email.
As for the video, is that how this works? 'Cause that shit was funny.
4283023 Four weeks later, I'm only just now noticing your comment. Forgive me for that, I usually try to do so well in responding to all of them. I must ask though, if my spelling (forgive me for that as well, if you would. English is not my strongest language) sucked you back into reality, does that mean that you actually lost yourself in the story? 'Cause if it does, that means a lot to me!
4453641 My words were of creative criticism. You should proofread every chapter at least twice before submitting it. You had some good idea's but I could not get into the story with all the mistakes I noticed. Like a person would brush their teeth and comb their hair before performing in front of an audience, you should clean up your story so that it is presentable.
4455473 thanks for the critique, then. Back when I was actually writing (my novels, not my stories) I had a guy who edited my story as I wrote it, so I guess I'm not used to having to actually ask people to read it after I've typed it. If you'd like, you could send me a PM with all the mistakes you've found so far so that I can correct them.
Well. The story was fairly cute, but... it felt rough, clunky, and awkward.
The grammatical and spelling errors throughout weren't nearly as terrible as some writers, so I'm just going to leave that alone, though they certainly didn't help.
My biggest issues were, in order:
First, how the story sort of rambled from point to point, and certain points were repeated several times without changing. If you repeat entire paragraphs several times, it can bog the story down. As well, if you're changing points in time, make sure it's clear when this is happening, and make sure that the points in time being visited are clear. Maybe not down to a minute, but some general idea is good.
Second, unexplored and unexplained plot devices. Why did RD give herself just a week to get Twilight? Why were there feathers in her hair when she did wake up, and what, exactly, does it mean? These ideas, and other small details, such as the conflict with Shining, as well as the actual reveal to Twilight's family, could have been elaborated on to further build up the world and bring the story to life.
Third, and this one's hard so I can't blame you for it much. Smoothness of ideas. Keep the words running smoothly, and try to trim down unnecessary words, actions, or phrases. If the story and writing flows smoothly, it's easy for a reader to be drawn in, and want to keep reading. Try to picture words as musical rhythm, flowing water, or something similar when you re-read what you write . If the rhythm is jarring or the water gets clogged up, try re-phrasing it and changing how it's written so it flows easily. This does get easier as you practice writing, and also becomes easier if you read often. (Yes, I expect anyone that writes to proofread their works, even if they have an editor. Part of writing is going back over everything you write to check for errors, inconsistencies, or... weirdness. Personally, I often skip whole sentences on accident while writing, and need to go back to fix it on a second or third run)
Still, it's overall a creative and cute story, so... not bad for a first story. 6 out of 10 mustaches and a request for more.
And hey, this is all constructive criticism coming from a random person online. Feel free to hate me or flame me or ignore me as you want.
5212024 ignore? Not even an option. I always value critisisms from anyone, especially people who actively sought out and read my story as opposed to those I made read it.. I'm more than aware of how much it, quite frankly, sucks, and I myslef have always given it a 3.5-4/10, so believe me when I say youre not telling me anything I haven't told myself. When people favorite this story, I apologize for having written it, not because its the worst thing ever, but because it isn't my best. But now I'm rambling. I do appreciate what everyone has to say, and thank you for your input.
5212157 Many people hate criticism, no matter how helpful it's intended.
But you, sir or madame, are the reason I try to be constructive when I'm critical of stories.
People like you that want to improve, and keep working to get better. So good for you, thumbs up just for that and a big ol' eye.
I'll be looking forward to seeing how much further you go.
5212853 and I look forward to having you with me.
Great storyso far!
Although I did see some grammar/spelling issues ..... (Dont worry I had alot of grammar problems in my story to ..like a ton more then yours has!) Any way good job! I like your story !
5435208 to this day, it amazes me that people still read this. Well, it was written when I was unaware that people were willing to edit for newbs like me, so I'm aware it's riddled with errors. Nevertheless, I appreciate your taking the time to read this crap, and thank you for the compliments.
It was a great story, short as it was. I had been listening to the MLP soundtrack and when I got to this page, love is in bloom started playing and I managed to read the final words as the song was ending.
5449396 well that's just perfect, isn't it?
10 out of 10
5847821 Lolz... wait, seriously?
5848045 Well ya it has some spelling and grammatical errors, but they do not take away from the story. I think you are selling your self short.
5848801 well then... thanks!
5449396 wow dat timing though XD
4450379 lol.
Gah! Twi! Why are you so oblivious?!
It's funny because it's true.
grate start (save for the few spelling mistakes) but i felt you got to the confession a little quick. but i still liked it
I remember being in the ICU for 8 days for pneumonia......yeeeeeah not fun. Not in the slightest.
Good story.
That's the wrong write.