• Member Since 30th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen February 4th

Gray Compass


Unicorn Developer

E

When we married I thought it would be forever... Cliche, you could say - Yes it was, but it was my cliche life, the life I was happy living.

'All good things comes to an end' People said. But why it had to be so soon? How could life do such a thing - yank you out from my hooves so abruptly. Vanish away.

Oh Twilight, only if I could fly high enough to reach you...

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 15 )

Came here from School For Writers hoping for a review for review.

Going to read and post notes here.

I'd liked these ones, after all, flying is my therapy, is what keeps me going on today

-grammar check this sentence with the is. Supposed to be it's or it is? Also a run-on sentence

Things here on Canterlot are going well too,

-grammar check here

Your brother talks with me every day as so his wife

-grammar check

I will never dare to remove our pictures from the walls, but dear, I have to admit that it's hard for me to wake up every morning and see our memories, so bluntly exposed all around the house.

- Run-on, comma spliced sentence

on that short moments before sleep

- You're doing this a lot. on -> in

It still amaze me how somepony like you loved me;

- amaze -> amazes

capable of deliver it.

- For stuff like this, I'm just going to plop it down here, you should be able to figure it out.

I'm leaving today honey

- missing a comma

For a long travel, from which I have no plans of returning

- something about this sentence... Can't put a finger on it. Might be fine though

My parents are far long gone

-drop far

I have no foals, nor pets, and my friends

- period after for instead of comma

Twilight, you was the only one who I ever loved

and the one who ever loved me; for whom I was

- no semi, for who I am

that hurts, but does not aches.

- conflicting tense, and do not understand what you're trying to say

Partially you could say that now, I'm more dead than alive, so it wouldn't make much difference for me...
Simply make this condition... Complete

- Still don't understand what you're saying. You also already said he's dying. Drop partially

Maybe one day we'll meet again... Somewhere across the universe

- These ellipses are getting overused. Drop this one

I know you still looks over me, your beautiful wings wide open, and last smile silently growing in our faces.

- Still don't understand what's going on with this. looks -> look. Your pronouns also do not agree

that insists on bang my head, trying to convince me to do not

- very confusing

the city far bellow

- I'm not trying to be rude, but did you proofread and edit this piece?

At this special night

-I gotta stop here. I don't have time to keep going. Proof and edit your piece, give mine a go, and I can come back to finish the rest. I really like this piece, but there's just so many grammatical and word usage errors. Good luck with the piece, can't wait to come back and finish proofing. :pinkiehappy:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/177507/conservatory-stories
Here's the link to my story (1800 words) so we can do a proof for proof since you posted in School for Writers

Wow, very brave to post a Flashlight story. :twilightsmile:

You spelled "below" as "bellow". Other than that there are a few mismatched cases, but I don't have the time to go through them all. Other than that, nice story. It feels to me like the ending to a much larger tale, yet you managed to make it not important that there be prior knowledge to understand what is going on. 7.5/10 Good work!

4133513 Thanks for it :twilightsmile: And about the confusing sentences, they were made to be confuse; that's not a literal story you can just sit and read.

It's like a poem, it has to be interpreted. In fact, the whole story has plenty of meanings, It's up to the readers to chose.

4133580

I wasn't speaking for plot points. The sentence structure was confusing. It either didn't make sense, or I could tell what you were trying to say, but it just wasn't written correctly.

That's what we're here for in SFNW. We review each other's work and push each other to be better! :heart: I'm excited for your review of Conservatory Stories!

4133601 Yeah, I'll read it soon; I don't have much time now, but I promise I'll do it :twilightsmile:

"Never forget this honey... I don't left you, and I never will.

You should change it to: I haven't left you, and I never will.
Other than that I liked the story. Good job.:twilightsmile:

Interesting story.:twilightsmile: I enjoyed reading it.

Twilight, you was the only one who I ever loved,

And for that brief moment, Flash slips back to his childhood ways from growing up in the ghettos of Cloudsdale's south-side.

4816518 :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: Holy shit, I almost pissed myself now bro. I still have to rewrite this story (to today's standards)

Sorry for the weird stuff :facehoof:

4816618

Ah, its okay: stuff happens and I've never seen a story get written up that didn't have mistakes.

I loved this story so much! It made me cry....
Favorite flashlight story EVER!!!

I don't exactly get it. Did Twilight die?

I guess twilight came back in his darkest hour, to reassure him that she was still with him. twilight apparently vanished, to become one with the magic essence that pervades equus. she is still there, but not visible. she seems to think, he has some higher purpose in life that he is unaware of. he has to keep going for her sake. he seems to be living in the past too much. he needs to move on.

That was sooo beautiful. It made me cry:raritystarry:

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