• Member Since 30th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen February 4th

Gray Compass


Unicorn Developer

T

(Canceled)


Ever found yourself walking on a park, falling into a wormhole, and waking up on Equestria? Were you a common pony living your life, and suddenly woke up chained on a basement?

Don't worry, because the new subdivision of secret things is here to help you!

And relax; in the end, you'll not remember a thing about it.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 82 )

Interesting concept here... Haven't seen one of these in a while

makeameme.org/media/created/YOU-HAD-MY.jpg

Please do not lose it friend. You seem to have a promising story here. :raritywink:

Edit: Not a bad start to be honest. Just wish that the chapter wasn't so short. Could maybe use an editor or another run through the typewriter to add more details and such to help set the atmosphere and tone.

Was listening to the song all the while reading. :coolphoto:

Damnit! Someone else did this first.

Ah well, god job.:raritywink:

damn you i wont be able to leave this alone i had a free sample and now im hooked :raritydespair:

4039256 holy shit i forgot this ecsisted thank you for the memories :raritywink::raritywink:

4039256 tat song (and showoff course) is freaking awesome

4039720 great chapter, I look forward to more. have a moustache :moustache:

4040597 Thanks! I'll do my best to deserve it :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Prince Lunar deleted Mar 6th, 2014

Oh shit Lyra made it to earth shit gonna go down

Lookes very interesting so far, except for Lyra

This seems interesting so far, keep up the good work.

Man, I was about to write a story just like this. Oh well, I guess I'll have to change things here and there. Good luck on your story and keep up with the good work.

I picked up a sightly small golden cane-looking object from the table, a red gem on its base, and a pony head carved at the top. Well... I could say more about this but unfortunately, is a confidential subject... A 'privilege' given to us by Princess Twilight...

The Twilight Cane will never be stopped.

This has started splendidly, Good job.

First chapter and i laughed so hard with the final, i never expected it! So this is the same universe with J and K?

4044367 Yep, the 'brony in black' guys are just from some kind of special branch of MIB

4044569 Now we are talking:ajsmug:, so when i should expect the next chapter because this is awesome?:heart:

4044625 This really depends of my brain cooperation, but I would say... Around Saturday at night / Sunday by the morning. :derpytongue2:

You have a lot of small errors, usually using the wrong variant of a word. It might help if you wrote this with spellcheck and then pasted it into the FIMFiction page.

Other than that, the story looks interesting.

Hahaha Lyra really have donr too much damage

Good job sir!a little short,but none the less,good.

4048624 Don't worry, there's plenty more to come :rainbowwild:

Wait....agent K and J...from the movie...?

What if they had to deal with a changeling?

4049271 That's an interesting idea... I may use it on future chapters!

4053256 I was thinking about that, I mean; the MIB guys don't have any important role on the story, but in fact, since this is majorly based on a ficticial subdivision of them I should add the tag

Whereas earth don't have any apparent magic, it doesn't mean that we can't make use of it, our world is capable of produce magic, but very few or almost no human is able to conduce it properly.

Try:

Whereas earth doesn't appear to have any magic, it does exist and can be used, but almost no human is able to utilize it properly.

Need some work on conjugation. Also, some of the text didn't flow or was redundant. Finally, the word "conduce," or properly conjugated, "conduct," didn't feel right to me in this context.

Overall, I feel this is a good example of the story in general. Good premise, pacing is a bit fast, could use some more descriptors, but overall a good start.

ΔΓ

4084074 Finally someone noticed it! :rainbowwild:

Do you think you should have a chapter on our friendly neighborhood god of chaos, Discord.

4094016 Looks like a great idea! I should have been finishing chapter three, but a random inspiration hit me and I began to write a new one-shot. When I finish it (is pretty close) I shall write next BiB chapter.

Afternoon on Central Park

In. "Afternoon in Central Park"

An unicorn to be exacter.

Exacter is not a proper form of exact. Also, it should be "a" not "an" in this particular case.

Have you got something in your cane

On, not in. Also no ending punctuation.

the police is going to get suspicious

"are going to get suspicious", not is.

Well, if that's how its going to be

Should be "it's", as in the short form of "it is".

there were no Lyra to be seen.

Was, not were.

"I don't understand it to... Its just pointing to the sky... I don't think she could have turned herself into a pegasus... Or could she?" He frowned.

Too with two o's and "it's" again instead of "its"

And I'm stopping there, because I can already tell I have only scratched the surface here. Two bits of advice: 1) Spellcheck is your friend, and 2) rather then have your readers do all the work, perhaps it's time you got an actual editor or two before you posted something littered with this many mistakes. Truthfully, the premise alone if the only thing that is keeping me reading by this point.

4106535 Thanks...
I'm not asking for my readers 'to do all the work', if they want to help me improve the story, who am I to deny? For I'm no J.R.R. Tolkien, and English is not my native language. I know pretty much, that's not an excuse for my grammar problems. But I don't have good experiences with previous editors, I'll do what I can to fix this; spellcheck, etc...

- PedroHander

"Sweet Faust

I think "Sweet Zacherle" would be a little more appropriate

4107988 Lauren Faust will always be our mother! :pinkiecrazy:

4108046 But she didn't create MLP:raritywink:

4108062 No, but she developed the show format that's the true reason of why (almost) everyone here... Well; is here. Without her, we wouldn't have the MLP that we idolize today, that is in fact the 'Friendship is Magic'. :ajsmug:

If this was the prologue so more awesomr willl come!!!

This is just my mad mind but my brain came up with the fact that a 171 is a warning in place just because of Lyra.

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