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Vinyl, Octavia, and Neon Lights are three prominent students at the Conservatory of Canterlot who share an exquisite taste in music, insults, and illicit substances. Long nights and confusing mornings will be the least of their worries when an old friend pulls some strings to launch the group on a cross-'questria tour to Las Pegasas.
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Very well written. I like this portrayal of Vinyl and Octavia. I hope you continue with this.
4131861
Thank you very much for the kind words; I sincerely hope I do not disappoint.
I really dig what you've written here. Your writing is very vivid and fluid that I could follow along and practically see what you're describing. Keep it up!
Returning the critique -
I found your writing style very interesting, in fact, as said before on the comments; very fluid. The story itself have an interesting concept, though, I believe that stories featuring Octavia and Vinyl/DJ PON3 are becoming quite repetitive and an overused concept; yet, that's just my opinion.
The paragraphing and editing are pretty good, and the vocabulary utilized is befitting on the story setting. Usually I don't read fics who feature that much of drugs or alcohol; many people don't. But again, that's just an opinion.
If I could give you an advice, I would say to publish the story on many groups as possible, and not only groups dedicated to Vinyl or Octavia; It really helps to keep the story 'alive' and gaining more views, and rates. There are nice groups like 'The writers group' or 'The shameless self promotion bureau' (Yes, it exists, and It's a great place to divulge stories)
I'm sorry for the delay on criticizing your story, but I was busy; anatomy classes, commissions, cover arts, and human beings in general bothering me...
I wish you good luck with 'Fear and loathing in Las Pegasas' and please, forgive me for any misspellings; English is not my native language.
Have a nice day
Besides one or two grammatical issues that are fundamentally a non-issue, it has been quite enjoyable thus far; I'll keep my eyes on this story, to say the least.
Okay, I got a bit to say about this...
First off, as I've stated before, I really don't like prologues, and chapter 1 ends for no reason except to end. The ending of this chapter, however, is great. It leaves you thinking, "Holy crap, Vinyl's in trouble now!" I suggest taking the whole Vinyl section here and merging it with the end of chapter 1. Then chapter 2 can begin with Octavia and you can go with whatever you're planning to do next, that way, your chapter 1 has an awesome ending, The Octavia portion didn't really fit with the rest, and, in my personal opinion, it would make more sense to go to her after the Vinyl cliffhanger.
What I really didn't like was how detailed the Octavia portion was. From the point she gets out of bed to the part where she finds the note to herself, you have 8 paragraphs. In all honesty, you could have done it in 3-4. Don't get me wrong, details are a great way to make the story feel more real, but too much can seriously damage it. We get that she is gray and her entire house is white, you don't need to keep reminding us. I also understand that she is rivaled only by Rarity with the amount of time and care she takes to ready herself for the upcoming day, you don't need to give us all those details.
And do we really need to know the precise degree in Fahrenheit she heats her tea?!
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120516121321/mylittleponeyfredshipismagic/images/e/e3/Scootaloo_pianoheadsmashlarge_display.gif
I actually groaned out loud when it shifted to Vinyl and she woke up because I thought that I was going to be subjected to her entire morning routine as well. You actually did hers very well, try to make Octavia's a bit more like that.
Seriously though, I really like this story and look forward to seeing where you go with this. Hope you find this helpful!
4195940
Thanks so much BD,
Haha I started with an "American Psycho" theme for this chapter, calling it Equestrian Psycho and making the entire chapter Octavia's routine! I know, you were probably so let down to see that it wasn't!
Buuuuutttt dropped the idea after I got halfway through. I'll definitely give it the chopchop today and clean it up and do a drunk review for LYD so get ready 
FANSTIC idea on the chapter merger. I'll definitely do that and add in the meeting with Luna in ch2.
It's funny reading you point these things out like the temperature, because they were almost inside jokes with myself when I wrote them, and they seem so silly now. I could laugh at that line every time I read it, but I couldn't imagine anyone else doing it. I'll definitely clean it up
4197322 I'd love to read chapter 1 again with that ending, and let me know when you've cleaned up the Octavia portion and I'll look over it again. Just remember K.I.S.S.
I'm sure this one will be just as entertaining!
Keep It Simple Stupid.
You want details to give life to your story, not overcomplicate it. If you feel that you are throwing too much information at the reader at once, try spreading it out through the chapter instead. That way the reader gets all the info you want them to have, but they don't feel so overwhelmed.
Can't wait for your drunken review of my story! I let my friend read it and he laughed his ass off.
4197322 Hey, you removed the precise degree in Fahrenheit that she heats her tea to! That's great! Now poor Scootaloo can stop banging her head into the piano!
I see you are down to 7 paragraphs in the section I pointed out before, but challenge yourself to make it 4.
Cut this completely, it has no bearing to the story. The shambling and the moaning/groaning can easily be fit into the other paragraphs.
I just reread Chapter one and love it! It looks so much better now. Also, I was tickled to death when I saw your authors note on Chapter 2. Thanks for the recognition!
And one thing I forgot to mention before, if she calls her drunk self Sterling, why doesn't Sterling sign the letter as such? Nothing important, just a little something I saw and wondered about.
4205940
I did! But don't count your Chickuns before they hatch, I'm just recalculating it to centigrade ;)
I took your awesome advice of editing out the shambling, moaning, and croaking paragraph, and I'm pretty content with its length right now. I wanted a nice, relaxing intro before shit hit the fan for Octavia and thanks to your help, it's almost exactly that. Her morning routine becomes an issue later on during the trip to Las Pegasas, so there's definitely a reason for the girthy wordbricks.
That's a really good point on signing the letter as Sterling, and I considered it while I was writing way more than I should have. What it boiled down to was that it just flowed better this way, to introduce Drunk Octavia as a separate personality from sober Octavia, and then to name that alter ego.
4206129 NOOOO!!!!
I'm glad to hear it! Nothing feels better than when you finish fixing a problematic portion of story. I always sit back, read it one final time, and it always brings a grin to my face. And I'm glad your sticking with the drunk Octavia signature. I liked the idea of her signing it that way, and, to be honest, a little while after posting that comment, I went to bed and thought to myself, "I shouldn't have put that, I hope he doesn't change it."
Can't wait to read chapter 2 once its done!
We can't stop here. This is pony country!
I'm preparing to begin your chapter 2! YAY!
I swear to god if you state the precise degree of Ocavia's tea in centigrade, I'm going to make a trip up to your university and murder you. It would make quite the trip, but it would be totally worth it!
Anyway, let's start with this,
This sentence needs to begin its own paragraph because it is the start of the description.
This sentence should be its own paragraph because it doesn't belong with the others,
You missed a period here, just pointing it out cas it's one of those things you can look at 100 times and never notice on your own.
This sentence bothers me, maybe a simple re-wording could fix it?
I still laugh every time I go over the part with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the book. It is just so...you.
Again, this should be its own paragraph,
You give us this bit of information, then describe how she copes with pressure, which is a different subject.
You use the word silence twice in one sentence, it just looks sloppy,
LMAO!
Numbers don't really belong in literature, I'm sure there is another way you can write this,
I love this chapter, and I love your writing. You have such a vibrant, colorful personality, and it really shines through your work. That's a good thing, except for Rarity hates rainbow power....When Rarity begins to sound like CatsWithGats, we've got a problem!
I'm glad we could nip that in the bud before you posted it.
Anyway, great job, and I look forward to chapter 3.
4414818
Thanks for the awesome critique! You're seriously the best! Especially for your willingness to murder me in the first degree. I couldn't ask for a better writing buddy
Aww shucks, that compliment at the end
I actually caught some flack in Rarity Hates Rainbow Power because of the style; there were a few people who called my piece 'purple prose' because of the asides that describe the scenery or changes of pace. Despite that all they did was quote the passage and post a wiki link to purple prose, it was great food for thought.
4417444 I have to strongly disagree with chaotic note on the 'purple prose'... they quoted the very first paragraph. The definition is that the description draws attention to itself and interrupts the flow, but it was the opening sentence, you didn't even have a flow started. How could it be drawing attention from the story when the story hadn't started?
And, as for this,
I'm always happy to critique any of your work!
I would do it in a heart beat to improve your writing! It's all for the greater good!
I was sort of hoping it would be a faithful parody of Hunter Thompson's infamous roman à clef, but this looks like it will be a well above-average drugged out Octo-Scratch tale. You had me at the bit with the textbook and the sandwich