Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
'Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo'
How Big Macintosh wished he was taking Applejack's delivery route instead.
Although a fire swamp was dangerous and hostile, a pony could wear a set of burn-resistant hoofboots to protect themselves, or develop a kind of sixth sense for when flames were about to erupt out of the ground after many, many delivery runs. Even if said fire swamp was home to a chimera that had acquired a taste for pony meat somewhere, a pony could either outwit, outrun, or -- if the pony in question were physically capable enough -- outmatch the tri-headed beast.
The fire swamp, for all its perils, was predictable.
Big Macintosh's route took him through town and, just as it left, past Lyra and Bon Bon's house. And if there was one thing Lyra Heartstrings was not, it was predictable.
-/-
Lyra was outside, leaning over a fencepost, when Big Macintosh passed their house. She made a deliberate effort to catch his eye.
"Hey! Ho! Big Mac! Big Mac-in-tosh, what is up with you?" She aimed both forehooves at him in an odd pointing gesture. "How's it hangin'? How's it sah-wingin'? How's it-- Hey, you got a second?" She rapidly changed tone when she noticed Big Mac was about to walk right by her.
He slowed to a stop and gazed at the unicorn. Whatever time he lost here, he could make up somewhere later on his journey.
"Okay, cool," Lyra said, and then took a surreptitious glance over both shoulders, as if she was afraid of somepony eavesdropping on this transaction. "Listen, chief, you got a special somepony?"
Big Mac shook his head. After that weird business with Miss Cheerilee and that even weirder business with that doll he had taken pains to avoid any situations that might not leave him with full control of his senses, and that included the mares of Ponyville.
"Alright, right on, right on." Lyra nodded her head. "So, okay, just hear me out on this. Just like, let me get to the end, before you interrupt me."
She gave a chuckle, like she had made a private joke -- Mac expected she may have, and it may have been at his expense. He narrowed his eyes a little, signaling her to hurry up with whatever it was she wanted to say.
"Okay, okay," Lyra continued, waving a dismissive hoof in his general direction. "So, okay, Bon Bon has a birthday coming up, right, and she's kiiinda sorta been dropping all these hints that she'd like to... y'know, get with a stallion."
Lyra reached over the fence and tapped Big Mac on the shoulder.
"Ya know what I mean? Eh? She'd, uh, like her field plowed, if you get my drift. She's interested in riding the six-legged horse. She'd be into doing some magic with somepony's other horn. She's down for some of the old in-out, in-out, is what I'm saying. She wants you-know-what to be put you-know-where. We on the same wavelength? You feel me, brother?"
They had been on the same wavelength since the first euphemism. Big Mac's expression remained unchanged, but he titled his head marginally to the side to indicate for Lyra to go on.
"Alright, so -- and this would be a totally casual, one-shot, no strings attached kind of deal -- so I'm trying to arrange for some unattached and available stallion to just sorta swing by and bang her like a barn door in a summer hurricane." Lyra raised her eyebrows. "So, whaddya say? Are you in?"
Leaving aside the fact that any farmer worth their salt would secure any loose barn doors prior to a hurricane, summer or otherwise, Big Mac raised a curious eyebrow at Lyra's request. He didn't spend the most time in Ponyville so he often was among the last to know of any major town gossip, but he was pretty sure Lyra and Bon Bon's living arrangement hadn't changed since the last time he had seen them at the marketplace together buying tulips.
"No, no, no, we're totally still together," Lyra said. "We're solid. Like a rock. Made of metal. And uh, don't you be worrying none, I'm totally leaving her satisfied. In the bedroom department." She nudged his shoulder again. "No complaints on that end. Eh? Know what I mean? When Lyra Heartstrings gets down to business, she takes care of business, you dig?" She threw up her hooves in a gesture of confusion. "Bon Bon just, I dunno, has had this thing about dongs recently." A grin spread across her face. "Heheh. Dongs."
Big Mac forehead developed a slight crinkle and his mouth a slight downward turn at one side. This was starting to sound mighty sketchy...
"No, it'll be totally cool, trust me. I don't have to be there at all, if you don't want. Or I can be, if that's your thing. Like, we could start to get down, and then you join in when--"
That was just about Big Macintosh's limit for Lyra that day. He started to walk on. Lyra kept pace with him behind the fence, frantically ratcheting up her sales pitch.
"Toys!" she exclaimed. "We've got a bunch of toys that do all kinds of freaky stuff! Like, a whole box, almost! I mean, most of 'em wouldn't really apply to you, though -- or, I don't know, that all sort of depends on how open-minded you are about some stuff." She sighed, and pleaded with her eyes. "C'mon, please?"
Big Macintosh's answer was simple, and final.
-/-
"Darn it," Lyra said to announce her presence as she went back inside the house.
"Why were you out there bothering Macintosh?" Bon Bon asked, not looking up from her taffy mixture.
"Oh. Uh, y'know." Lyra hovered at the kitchen door.
"I'm sure I don't."
"You know. That whole... foals, thing."
"I'm not sure how he's going to help with that, dear."
"Well, Bonnie, I know you don't have like, a whole lot of experience in this field, but when a mare and stallion love each other very much..."
Bon Bon paused kneading her taffy, letting the sticky substance drip between her hooves. She looked over her shoulder at Lyra. "What are you talking about?"
"I was asking Big Mac if he would knock you up."
"What."
"Since you said that thing about having foals together."
"What?"
"He said no, though."
"What?!"
Bon Bon's temper had escalated rapidly from neutral into high gear faster than Lyra could ever remember. He face had become almost as red as the taffy pooling in a heap on the kitchen counter.
"Lyra," she shouted, "when I said we should get some help from somepony, I meant Twilight Sparkle!"
"Huh? Wha--"
"Because she knows every spell ever, and probably knows one so we could have a foal together!"
Lyra's face went slack. "Oh..."
"Have you," Bon Bon asked with narrowed eyes, "been asking random stallions off the street to come and have sex with me?"
"No! Maybe. Not in so many words. Not, um." Lyra look at the kitchen floor. "Not many."
"How many is not many?"
"Well, Big Mac. Caramel. Time Turner. Uh, Pokey Pierce. I think that's all. No, wait, Noteworthy. Oh, and Davenport."
"Lyra, that's like half the stallions in Ponyville!" She freed her hooves from the taffy and used them to bury her face. "Ugh, you know I have to live here, right?"
"I'm sorry! I really thought you meant that-- I'm sorry." She put a comforting hoof on Bon Bon's shoulder. "They, um, they all said they weren't into it. Well, I think Time Turner might have been, but then his girlfriend showed up and he changed his tune right after that."
"I don't know if that makes me feel any better, you know."
"How 'bout going to see Twilight tomorrow? Together."
Bon Bon nuzzled Lyra's cheek softly, then gave her a look. This wasn't the most bone-headed thing Lyra had even done, not by far. It somehow wasn't even the most embarrassing. She just had a knack for putting her hoof in her mouth. Repeatedly. Lyra sometimes didn't know why it was Bon Bon kept putting up with her, but she was glad that she did.
"Maybe," Bon Bon said at last.
"I'm sure Twilight knows a spell that'll give me a wang."
"That's not what I meant! I thought it would be like a magical donor thing, where..."
She paused. Lyra noted the faint red coloration that had crept across her cheeks, and this time it had nothing to do with anger.
"...There's a spell that can do that?"
Lyra smirked. "Probably. Like, Twilight probably knows all sorts of spells that can do all sorts of wild stuff." She lowered her voice and drew out her words. "I mean, some of them might not even be so hard to learn. She could probably teach one or two of them to me..."
Bon Bon said nothing, the blush on her face intensifying.
"But," Lyra continued, "I mean, we should probably just ask about the boring safe spell that takes like a little bit of me and magically mixes it with a little bit of you to make a--"
"No, no," Bon Bon said in a small voice, "we could, um, ask about the... other stuff. Too."
"If you want."
Bon Bon pressed herself up against Lyra, any momentary anger forgotten. "Just, honey, one thing?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't say 'wang' in front of the princess."
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At the beginning, you mention the manticore in the fire swamp. I'm pretty sure that was a chimera, not a manticore.
Damn it, Lyra. So much for subtly.
And author. There is nothing wrong with puerile nonsense. The best stories are puerile nonsense.
That's the Lyra I've come to love and expect from the fandom.
Excellent line to end it on
Eh... I liked it. Didn't really laugh, but I don't regret reading it, and I was curious as to how it would play out.
Whiskey India Lima Lima, Romeo echo alpha delta, Lima alpha tango echo Romeo.
4069233
I can never remember the difference between those two multi-part Greek beasties. Fixed.
4069254
Well, there's nothing wrong with things being puerile or nonsense, but it is what it is.
4069257
My version of Lyra changes a little from story to story, but she's always a little left of centre.
4069297
Of all the tags, I dislike Comedy the most; I never second-guess the others half as much. "Why am I putting Comedy? This isn't funny, this is stupid. Well, it's kinda funny. Maybe not laugh-out-loud funny. I guess it's kinda funny. I'll tag it as Comedy."
4069652
Reading back, I may have come off as a little fedora/hipster. I did enjoy it, you just have to understand that it's very rare for me to laugh out loud reading a fic. Only a handful have ever made me do so, so saying, "I didn't laugh" isn't exactly a criticism.
4069741
Nah, it's cool; saying I didn't waste your time is a more valueable compliment than a LOL any day.
Lyra is so funny.
Saying "wang" in front of royalty. 
Um...
That aside, this was hilarious. And it addresses one of my biggest questions about the episode: just what perils did Mac face? Answer: overenthusiastic unicorns. Truly a terrible foe.
4070394
Sigh. You know how someone can tell you to not think about elephants, and then all you can think about is elephants? I'll go change that to literally any other adjective.
The stallions turning down sex is wrong. It is explainable however:
In my town, we have crazy ponies everypony avoids. Lyra Heartstrings could have a reputation as a crazy mare to avoid at all cost, if one plans on living to old-age.
4074938
...Come again?
4075743
As a stallion, I never turn down chances to have sex with mares.
4075743
4075760
As a general rule, it's best not to screw with crazy people, in all senses of the phrase. I'm with Big Mac in avoiding Lyra's crazy-by-proxy.
4075930
I agree. I encountered crazy ponies, some of whom are mares, I avoid like the plague. That is how I would explain stallions turning down sex.
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh, Lyra?
4078887
Say no more, say no more!
This was really funny and really enjoyable. My only real critique (for the sake of being a helpful member of the writer's training ground) is that I feel like the second half was a little more... awkward than the first half. That's a bit unhelpful, what I mean is though the dialogue is good I feel like it could have been smoothed out a bit and helped with a bit more physical movement and scenery description (though I'm really one to talk). Really though I'm just nitpicking.
4087765
It is a bit uneven, isn't it? Doesn't help that Lyra just runs her mouth in the first half and is a bit more restrained in the second. It probablh just needs some hung heads and glaring eyes to slow the dialogue down a little. Thanks for feedbacking!
Wait, what?
Using it~!
4078887
Damn, you beat me to it! Eh? Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more...
4100502
Same here!
¿Do you remember when I stated that, as a stallion, I would have sex with any willing mare, but the one could have the story if me make it known that Lyra Heartstrings is dangerously insane? Since I first read this story, a crazy homeless pony attacked one of my friends, at a busstop. ¡Thanks, oh Ronald Reagan!:
When Ronald Reagan was Governor, he reduced taxes for the 1% by closing the state mental hospitals . Until then, the insane were on happy-pills and everypony else was safe from then. After that, the lunatics suffer on the streets and sane ponies have to worry about the mentally ill attacking them. Of course, none of this is important:
What is important, is that the 1% who live protected from insane homeless in their gated communities, can now afford to by a 2nd private jet and a 6th yacht. ¡One must look at the big picture!
I have some good news, someone made a dramatic reading of your story.
Looks like your hard work paid off there, good job.
5081949
Oh, that would explain the increased traffic then. Cool.
Wow, this has like, mad production and stuff.
5082774
Yeah. She's one of a few that make fan fiction readings more creative.
Congratulations, by the way. You've earned it.
It might be puerile , but it was fun puerile
The only thing for me is that Lyra kept slipping into Joe Pesci's Leo Getz from the Lethal Weapon series. Just had the same sort of over-excitability to her dialogue as his does. And that voice from Lyra is just so wrong
This
This is a work of art.
This is perfection incarnate.
I could kiss you.
Lyra is really bad at that.
That was wonderful, though.
Here via 5114893, and oh my god was that hilarious.
Hey, I wrote a review for this story. In case you are interested, it can be found here.
I came to it through the reading, and while it certainly adds a certain something, this is funny enough to stand up on its own. Lyra is just awesome throughout the whole thing.
I think Bon-Bon should consider what else Lyra might say before telling her not to say wang in front of the princess. Think about the other word(s), phrases, terms that Lyra could come up with, after all she is clearly creative and good with words. Nice story well written.
All I could think of was:
Really enjoyed this one.
Fuller review here, but in brief: I'm not really the target audience, not being a big fan of innuendo-fic. However, though you say yourself it's "puerile nonsense", it's funny puerile nonsense. Lyra is fun.