• Member Since 19th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 30th, 2019

Neostar


Age 24 - Dedicated Twilight Sparkle fan

E
Source

When a freak solar event threatens Ponyville and Princess Celestia is nowhere to be found, Twilight desperately casts the only spell that she thinks will help: a spell that transforms her into a vampire. Forced to deal with the side effects, Twilight relies on her vampirical side as she ventures into a life-threatening situation for the sake of the princess, Ponyville, and quite possibly all of Equestria.

Based on and inspired by the artwork of ponykillerx - http://ponykillerx.deviantart.com/
Cover image by ponykillerx - Used with permission
Edited by Spabble

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 43 )

Sounds good.

Epic pic makes me wanna read.
tracking

Will give you my opinion later

Whoa...TWILIGHT IS A VAMPIRE RUUUUUN! :flutterrage:

Interesting, I'll be back in a few to read :twilightoops:

Interesting, but that is about it for it is a bit short. To be good, something about the longer term impact of all this is needed.

Interesting concept. Will track to see if you work with it more.
Wait one second. Twilight... Vampire... :rainbowlaugh: I see what you did there.

should have called them vamponys would have made more sense

358210

Not really, it is just a matter optional flavoring.

...being a vampire makes you immune to sunlight? So... she's some kind of reverse-vampire? :trixieshiftright:

Until the end. Now she's the lame kind of vampire that catches fire in sunlight. :twilightsheepish:

358292

But it sounds like she lost the wings, which is half the point at least.

I could go for a Twi-grilled cheese sandwich right about now.

Perfect, Just Perfect! I'm LOVING this!:pinkiehappy:

358397 after reading that i went and made one:twilightsheepish:

So Twilight is STILL a vampire, dat last line haha.

Very nice, though a bit short. Love the ending. :pinkiehappy:
Would Twi's mane grow back at some point? I can only imagine a hairless unicorn... :rainbowderp:

It's an interesting premise, I suppose. The problem is that it's incredibly rushed. Something like this, in my opinion, should be spread over at least five or six chapters of this length. For instance, the agonizing choice for Twilight to turn herself into a vampire. A decision like that isn't made lightly, and you missed a lot of emotional potential there.

Also, at the end. Twilight's been practically charred. Her coat would never grow back, and she'd be hideously scarred for the rest of her life. Yet Celestia and her friends seem pretty unconcerned. That's a bit irksome. That, and Twilight was kind of a wimpy vampire. Mind you, I'm biased toward the vampires in movies like 30 Days of Night, and stuff like that, where they're near-unstoppable apex predators who can tear through unprepared individuals in seconds.

One more specific example before I address the story as a whole: I don't like abbreviations for common words. Calling telekinesis TK is fine in a video game, but it's not fine in a story.

Now, for the fic as a whole: I believe I already mentioned that it was rushed, and I'll go into a bit more detail on that here. For one thing, the main conflict appears way too quickly. Twilight is thrust into the situation before even the reader knows what's going on, and as a result, I spent the rest of the story trying to catch up. Another issue is that it's flatly written, and conveys very little emotion. Remember, a story is like a stage play: you need to exaggerate every action to make sure your audience knows what you're doing. On the other hand, you need to be careful with that; nobody likes an over-actor.

One point in your favour is that you put in the effort to make everything grammatically correct. The grammar Nazi in me thanks you. And I do understand that this is your first story, so I will be lenient. I've read firsts far, far worse than this one.

I'm not saying it's bad. It's not good, is all. But what did you really expect from a first story? Everyone has to start somewhere, and you show potential. Write some more, in as many different styles as you can. Eventually, you'll find your niche, and excel in it.

I found this not in the least bit dark.

and in fact had much reservation about reading it because of that mark upon it.

in fact this is very interesting, I thoroughly enjoyed the way you twisted things, I was also very appreciative that you didnt use Discord when you openly had the chance. :ajsmug:
all in all :derpytongue2: damn good read.

:pinkiehappy:This is a good start for a vampire fanfic, but think you need to write more vampire stories, but make sure you make them with chapters to keep the reader in interest and make them bigger, better and badass.
Also make Twilight Sparkle the vampire, because I see her as a very ideal vampire and because her name is ironic:twilightblush:

375669 Yes with chapters and a badass story:rainbowdetermined2:

402086
Simply YES.I always been wanting someone to write a vampire story with MLP but there's only been 2 I read and one teased about Twilight being a vampire.And the other..weeelll it has Twilight as a vampire,but it focuses more on Rarity AND isn't even done.I would do a vampire story myself but kinda been having problems with my own stories.Someone PLEAAAASE do a vampire story

402084
402227
I had no idea Twilight Sparkle as a vampire was such a scarcely used concept until after I posted the story. :facehoof:

I will admit that I want to do more on this. It was really fun to write. Keep an eye out. :duck:

405786

It is dude o_o.it's as scarce as Lauren Faust the Alicorn being in a fan fiction.

And HAZA :D.I shall!

I'd love to see a sequel to this with Twilight having to come to grips with being permanently a semi-vampire. I might flesh it out into more of an outline later, but my mind started to run with a particular scene where after discovering she still hungers for blood, her friends decide to offer their blood to sate her while they look for a solution, having it spread out among them so they have time to recuperate.

oh my god it was so cool!! make a sequel:heart::heart::heart:!!!!

:twilightangry2: evil vampire twilight!

Very well written! I don't read (Or like) vampire stuff that much, but this was definitely an interesting story. Very good job. :twilightsmile:

Why did u make the Sun Stiletto turn her back ? This would have been so much potential for a sequel :ajbemused: btw... ur droolin' ;)

Really awesome story...

did you write this just cause someone on EQD asked someone to write a vampire twilight in hoof boots story or did you base it on the pic

617324

When I first saw the picture, it inspired me to start writing about the meeting between Twilight and Celestia. I wasn't planning on writing a complete story, let alone posting it online, but when I ended up with 6700 words, I thought it would be worth sharing.

This was written exclusively because the picture inspired a story in my mind. I was unaware of any other possible influences to write it until after I had finished.

The whole story feels like you're just telling us what happened; Twilight and Celestia feel OoC. :l

Not the best but it was good.
It's like what FanNotANerd said. It could be improved a lot on and this type of story would be more fit into chapters.
But I do like the concept! But it was horribly rushed and ya know. Stuff.

R5h

I agree with FanNotANerd and Oscarina - good, but very rushed. A few additional points of my own:

- The fact that we never find out what attacked Celestia seems... well, it's a loose thread, and I don't like loose threads. If this was one of several chapters then that would be good; here it's just confusing, and not very satisfying. When I burn away my enemies with the force of a thousand suns, I prefer to know who/what they are first.

- So Twilight agonizes for a bit about the permanent transformation to vampirehood. So clearly this is a big, meaningful decision with lifelong implications, since nothing can change it back, up to and including Celestia apparently. But wait, suddenly she can change back after all, because the Sun Stiletto is just that strong? When you say that a decision is important and that there's no turning back, and then arbitrarily* turn back, that's a cop-out.

So overall? Good! But with definite issues.

*Arbitrarily is the key word here, because there are conditions under which you can bend the rules you've set. In my opinion, though, you either need more set-up, or you need the changing of the rules to have profound implications. (Remember in Doctor Who Series 5, when Rory was erased from time, then just came back for no apparent reason? Well, his ability to return ended up having profound implications in all sorts of ways.) Either way, this story doesn't really have the room.

Not a bad story, but reading the same explaination three times pretty well kills it. The reader doesn't have to be present for every retelling, especially not in a short story.
Also, the story's 6,000+ words long. Why on earth don't you just write telekinesis?

dude, u gotta make a sequel, like a after-the-crap-hits-the-fan, Celestia-was-wrong-twilight's-still-a-vampire, what-r-the-consequences type sequel. i mean u totally hinted towards one.

"Umm, pardon me, Twilight?"

Twilight shifts her attention to Applejack.

"You're drooling."

will twilight be all ":twilightsheepish:LOL im drinking blood!" or will she be like ":twilightoops:CRAP! I'm sorry!!!
:derpytongue2:DERPY COMMANDS YOU TO MAKE A SEQUEL!!!!!:derpytongue2:

don't do this to me, I need my fix and this is the biggest, don't end it there please oh please oh please make a sequal :applecry::raritycry::pinkiesad2::fluttercry::rainbowdetermined2::facehoof:

I love this story, is awesome!!:pinkiehappy:
Are you going to do a sequel? I really hope so, it would be so cool!!

Twilight looks up from her book and turns toward the small dragon. "I have to, Spike. The princess is missing and nopony else can do anything about it. Don't worry; I'll be okay."

Re-reading. Find this line especially ironic given we (now?) KNOW Spike can swim in lava.

Login or register to comment