- Member Since 3rd Nov, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 29th, 2023
last of delta1
Lets just write some damn stories.
last of delta1
Joined 3rd Nov, 2013 ·
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Alright before I start I already realized that revenge is spelled wrong and the description ended at against so that's already bad.
But I'll give the review when I finish reading the first chapter
3777675
Wow, I'm really dumb.
Ok please this is very decent
The plot is pretty solid compare to some other shits I seen.
Please try to explain how mankind fell Against a nation that's doesn't know fucking basic military power? And how 7 billion people died and a some other shit.
It's also kinda rushed try to explain what happen and prolong a scene.
Rather than that it's 7.83 out of 10
I won't like or fav this (YET) but I will keep a eye on this
3777712
I'm going to explain everything in the next chapter.
3777729
K den
Like but not fav (YET)
Ok so the plot is pretty good but that ending with twilight felt very rushed, She just finds a book that happens to contain humans right before they wake up? really that is just weird at least have her look into the subject for a few weeks/months and had done some exploration beforehand to make their arrival seem more realistic.
3777789
I may go back and edit this chapter.
3777804 ok cause it feels like B-movie logic "finds random item just before original owner comes to kill for it" or something like that.
Right. I'm going to give this story a downvote. It is not my policy to leave an anonymous downvote so here is why I have downvoted your story.
1: Editor, find one. There are quite a few fairly basic spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in your story that could do with fixing, for example: Vipper squad would actually be spelt Viper or Ripper depending on which word you wanted. You've also got multiple exclamation marks for one bit of speech, which is also not good.
2: how exactly do they know who Celestia is, have they been in Equestria for a while?
There are other issues here and there, but this should help.
With that in mind, I hope this information is helpful. This downvote is not intended as a personal slight but instead as an educational opportunity.
3777844
Well thanks for the help.
3777815
Alright, I Tweaked it a bit.
One thing I recommend: CAPITAL letters
I think its an interesting story, I had an idea like it a while ago, but yes you've heard this already but spell check before posting and make sure to explain a bit better. if you want I can do a prof read before you post the next chapter.
and i think I'll take you up on the OC offer you posted.
3778189
Cool, and I'll have to think about that prof read offer. You see I like to do my stories on my own without any help, it just feels really good to know that you worked on something by your self, but some help would be nice.So I'll think about it.
3777927 ok much better doesn't feel like a spur of the moment idea, and she seems to have put some thought into the exploration, it may be a good idea to have this dark shadow creature be the one to have given her the book, I.E. a new "donation" to the library setting her up for failure, and giving a reason for the closely related events in time.
3778237
FUCK YEAH I WANT MORE OF THIS!!
Jumping right into the action! Perfect. Ending was a bit rushed but awesome first chapter. Keep up the good work!
last of delta1
Alright, i look forward to what you have in store.
the to applejack and fluttershy said should be too I think
and fluttershy should be saying "I'll come with you too not" "I come with you too"
great story so far
My character is gonna be appearing I reckon yours sould try and get your character in the story I looking forward to seeing if any of yous get 1 I also looking forward to the story mainly chapter 4
I have many complaints about this story, but I'll focus on one little nitpicking area.
It's not "Scar", it's a "SCAR-H" or a "SCAR-L" (AKA the Carl).
There isn't any reason for them to have separate Beretta-92s and M9s, since they're the same weapon for practical purposes, and the military only issues "M9" series Berettas.
I feel sorry for the man who has the Makarov, it's probably not even a PMM. He might get lucky and get to "Russian hostage rescue" some cyka and kneecap them with it. Poor guy can't even share ammo with the other handguns.
Where did he find throwing knives anyway? Some teenager's closet? 'Cause there's not a chance in hell a soldier would carry those off base.
3777712
3777729
To both of you: Elements of Harmony may have wiped out a majority of the human race due to it thinking they are full of chaos as well as the sun could be used as an EMP.
To Delta: Wow, your fanfic is way better than mine!
3778993
One, the throwing knives (if used in the hands of a professional) can be used for stealth kills. As well as whatever you could get your hands on.
Two, the Makorov can be used as a short range weapon when Liam is the sniper and/or Marksman of the squad. Also you would need whatever you can get your hands on.
Three, who the buck cares if the Beretta-92s and M9s have the same purpose. They still had to get whatever they could!
3779314
Throwing knives are only used by stunt throwers for entertainment.
Anyone worth their shit will tell you how hard it is to kill someone silently from a distance. Getting hit with a throwing knife isn't going to instant-kill you, it's going to make you got "Who the hell threw a knife at me? It didn't even hit tip-first, come out assholes, I know you're there."
Two, unless he's a Russian police officer with really bad luck, there's no reason for him to even touch a Makarov. Snipers get carbines to save their asses with. Especially since not even Russian snipers get Makarovs. (They do get bayonets, iron sights, and sometimes full-auto switches... they think of sniper differently over there...)
Three, it's a pretty noticeable thing that he lost his decent weapon and took a fairly uncommon civilian version of his standard weapon.
And cover-art guys are German for some reason.
There's a difference between they're, and THEIR, you desperately need a dictionary.
3779392
3779635
Thank you.
VIPPER????
and seriously,so little words?
I rather abhor stories like this, but I clicked on yours and noticed there were numerous errors and stuff so I figured I'd point the easiest ones out:
As far as the description goes, you should spell out numbers. "One thousand" looks a lot better than "1000", and "three" reads better than "3". "Casted" should be "cast". There's also some they're/their errors, which should probably be fixed.
Your dialogue is also punctuated incorrectly:
'"F-f-fuck...you." I weakly said.' should be '"F-f-fuck... you," I weakly said.' because the speech and the fragment that follows it are all part of the same sentence, essentially. If there's something like an exclamation mark then that's fine, e.g.: '"F-f-fuck... you!" I bellowed.'
All-caps look unprofessional. You should use italics or something; they're easier on the eyes and allow you to place emphasis on words without it looking like you're SHOUTING AT THE READER. Putting actions *into your dialogue like this* also shatters reader immersion into a million tiny pieces. Finally, your dialogue reads like more like a vehicle for getting from point A to point B than organic conversation. I also don't really get any feel for your soldier characters other than the fact that they're rather immature.
You also need to work on your pacing. You basically blitz through what could have been a substantially longer chapter, cramming like four scenes into 1700 words. To put that into perspective, one page in an average novel contains something like 250 words. Four scenes in six pages is Speedy Gonzales on crack.
3780193
Thanks for the help, I'll fix it when I get the chance.
I'm not going to bombard you like a comment warrior when it comes to grammar and punctuation, but the people below do hold a valid point. Proper grammar and punctuation, also constant checking and editing before being fully confident that the chapter is ready to be uploaded, is crucial in making an enjoyable story. This is simply because it shows you know a thing or two and isn't an eye sore for the reader. Nonetheless, I like what you have.
Like you have said, the plot and story with the fall of humanity will be explained later, which I personally find great because it makes me want to read on and find out how they fell. I can't say I don't like the characters because it's the first chapter and we've only just met them. Perhaps we could be expecting a monologue from our narrator, Jacob, I believe, on who each of these characters were, their personalities and such so that we know who well who our protagonists are. The knowledge of the weaponry seems good and truthfully I'm not fussed. So long as it's not a Chuck Norris gun they have that seems never to run out of ammo. I like how you made them state the number of their magazines. It shows the awareness and reality of the fact that these weapons do have their restrictions. The stories I've read where our human character never seems to run out of ammo...I mean do they just magically get this ammo or is it a clip that never runs out of bullets?
I've been looking for a story along the lines of this plot. Where Celestial seems like she's evil for the invasion and deaths of billions of humans and our human survivors seek out revenge. Please don't give up or feel down from the comments or the feeling of writer's block and such. They're only minor blocks from achieving better in writing. I look forward to how this story unfolds in the future.
A like and favourite from me, your buddy PsYcHo HuNt3r!
now to wait for the next one
Elliot Berger I think the artist is but the song ...lol get this the song EXIT WOUNDS is the best for this chapter
Celestia and Luna shall suffer for the atrocity they have committed against humanity.
We will move silent and swift to destroy those that have taken and twisted the world we knew and created the chaos of what it is today.
We are humans. God's greatest gift to the universe. We will take back what is rightfully ours and slay the demons that have taken everything we knew and loved.
To lost human souls of the dead shall seek piece as the blood of the tyrant alicorns runs through the earth.
I don't know how many times it has to be said for all genres and other games/fiction/movies. Don't. Fuck. With humans. We have always been survivors and forever shall be. At our core we are truly inspirational, creative, resourceful, inventive, and finally unstoppable. We are infinite in will. We truly are a force to be reckoned with. Rant complete XD
Awesome chapter! Keep it up!
I like getting into stories and feeling how the character feels. You accomplished this in a spectacular way. Props to you sir. Also FUCK YOU CELESTIA! WE WILL MURDER YOU!
Doctor Hax Appears out of nowhere and shoots a computer screen at Celestia and Luna for using hacks.
Biological warfare should be affective.:pinkie crazy:
Make Celestia and Luna's death as painful as possible for them!
Pray all you want your still going to die.
Don't fuck with the most powerful race in the universe bitches!
We always win... Always.
This is the only story of yours that has this many grammer and sentence structure mistakes.
Either fix em' or don't, I'll read this regardless.
3789322 .........are you talking about the weak monkeys that need guns to kill or the demigoddesses able to wreck a building with a sweep of theri horns?
seriuosly what is the point here? they just figure out where they are and incinerate them so they do not kill any ponies. easy peezy. without experience most ponies are in incredible danger against them, doubtless, but what chance do they have against beings able to annihilate castles without breaking a sweat and likely could simply work in tandem; one sister blocks the shots, they other blasts them to death.
will say that if they did have experience against such enemies the ponies would have a sweeping advantage. unless these soldiers can make more ammunition in a world where none exist or have some manner to prevent their weapons from being transmogrified into crouscants, then they are basically doomed. without some supernatural defense magic basically trumps tech. hard to shoot a gun turned into bread or, being more practical, use ammunition if faced with magic that causes gunpowder to suddenly combust.
and no a human could not kill a pony in hand to hand. strong bones in the ponies than in a human........... also applejack can probably kick harder than a kangaroo. and kangaroos have the capacity to kill a man in a single strike too.
So they regret what they did? Interesting. Maybe we can forgiveFUCK NO WE CAN'T! Carry on Squads! KILL THEM ALL! IT'S TOO LATE FOR THEM!
3789373
Am I the only one that thinks this person is retarded?
3789373
What you're forgetting is that the humans are not alone in this fight anymore. Before it was just Celesta and Luna causing a mass extinction upon our race. Now we have a little fire support from 'him' and I can almost guarantee that 'him' is Discord a.k.a the only being in existence that is stronger than Celestia and Luna combined. Add the fact that he is now controlling things from behind the scenes, this makes our humans friend practically god tier now. Discord will make them immune to magic is he must. He wants what the humans want, to cause chaos and revenge. Now the playing field is leveled if not stacked in our favor. There is also one thing you also forget. Celestia and Luna may know how to kill, but the mane six dont. Hurt, maybe. Kill, dont make me laugh. That is where the line is drawn and the blood will flow.
3789425
Yes. Did you not see what Celestia was capable of? She took over the world. The fucking world. We are a world of war. Seven. Fucking. Billion people died. Three squads vs. at least double the about of ponies, albeit they are untrained.
Do you not know how humanity got to the top? With weapons. We are weak monkeys. We are weak monies with a brain, but still weak monkeys. They do not have the technology to keep their weapons functioning, they will be reverted to weak monkeys after time. This isn't a video game, you don't re spawn and you don't have unlimited ammo. Your screwed.
Your giving him shit when he is using logic. This entire world is gonna go Rome, and I'm going to be the one laughing my ass of and saying I told you so as my last words.
3789425 ..........can you give me a logical way they could possibly succeed then? they are in a time period where there is no equipment ot replace theri fire arms, materials for morew ubllets, they are facing a pair of demigods so powerful that could wreck a modern city within an hour, and are in a world where one of the dominant races have superhuman abilities. their guns give them something of an advantage right now, but they will run out of ammo quickly enough, and a human lacks any attributes that could allow them to survive unarmed against ceratures with supernatural attributes. and i do not jsut mean ponies, i also mean the supernatural fauna of equistria, some of them made of materials that are bullet resistant. not to mention supernatural toxic plants.
how do they end up getting revenge when the moment they run out of ammo they are made completely helpless to the world around them? humans are not powerful, we are just clever. our bodies have veyr limited advatnageous attributes. our senses are dull, our muscles weak. even not considering the ponies, once the bullets are out the diamond dogs will come back............. fairly certain even the most well trained soldier would die quickly to a gorilla. and these gorrilla dogs now how to use leverage to get a human head at just the right angle to rip off.
3789506
I gave you a reason already. Dont pick fights I already won.
3789523 ..........discord is not more powerful than them both combined, they are about the same level. actually if we consider that celestia has pontentionally more powerful now than she was when she nd luna first fought discord, the battle tips in their favor.
the evidence of them having a stalemate is shown by the fact discord had to use an outside power against them. he may or may not have created the plunder seeds, but he needed them to take the tree of harmony's power to bind the pricnesses. if he actually was more powerful he would ahve found a differetn, and far more amusing, way to bind them.
and even not considering the ponies, we are talking about a world as hostile as the plans of hell itself. toxic magical plants, monsters of various shapes and sizes, and even materials that could resist bullets.
.............. suddenly seems like ponies have to be damn tough to thrive in a world where even the fucking jackalopes are out for your blood.