The plot is pretty solid compare to some other shits I seen.
Please try to explain how mankind fell Against a nation that's doesn't know fucking basic military power? And how 7 billion people died and a some other shit.
It's also kinda rushed try to explain what happen and prolong a scene.
Rather than that it's 7.83 out of 10
I won't like or fav this (YET) but I will keep a eye on this
Ok so the plot is pretty good but that ending with twilight felt very rushed, She just finds a book that happens to contain humans right before they wake up? really that is just weird at least have her look into the subject for a few weeks/months and had done some exploration beforehand to make their arrival seem more realistic.
Right. I'm going to give this story a downvote. It is not my policy to leave an anonymous downvote so here is why I have downvoted your story. 1: Editor, find one. There are quite a few fairly basic spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in your story that could do with fixing, for example: Vipper squad would actually be spelt Viper or Ripper depending on which word you wanted. You've also got multiple exclamation marks for one bit of speech, which is also not good. 2: how exactly do they know who Celestia is, have they been in Equestria for a while? There are other issues here and there, but this should help. With that in mind, I hope this information is helpful. This downvote is not intended as a personal slight but instead as an educational opportunity.
I think its an interesting story, I had an idea like it a while ago, but yes you've heard this already but spell check before posting and make sure to explain a bit better. if you want I can do a prof read before you post the next chapter. and i think I'll take you up on the OC offer you posted.
3778189 Cool, and I'll have to think about that prof read offer. You see I like to do my stories on my own without any help, it just feels really good to know that you worked on something by your self, but some help would be nice.So I'll think about it.
3777927 ok much better doesn't feel like a spur of the moment idea, and she seems to have put some thought into the exploration, it may be a good idea to have this dark shadow creature be the one to have given her the book, I.E. a new "donation" to the library setting her up for failure, and giving a reason for the closely related events in time.
My character is gonna be appearing I reckon yours sould try and get your character in the story I looking forward to seeing if any of yous get 1 I also looking forward to the story mainly chapter 4
I have many complaints about this story, but I'll focus on one little nitpicking area.
It's not "Scar", it's a "SCAR-H" or a "SCAR-L" (AKA the Carl). There isn't any reason for them to have separate Beretta-92s and M9s, since they're the same weapon for practical purposes, and the military only issues "M9" series Berettas. I feel sorry for the man who has the Makarov, it's probably not even a PMM. He might get lucky and get to "Russian hostage rescue" some cyka and kneecap them with it. Poor guy can't even share ammo with the other handguns. Where did he find throwing knives anyway? Some teenager's closet? 'Cause there's not a chance in hell a soldier would carry those off base.
To both of you: Elements of Harmony may have wiped out a majority of the human race due to it thinking they are full of chaos as well as the sun could be used as an EMP.
To Delta: Wow, your fanfic is way better than mine!
One, the throwing knives (if used in the hands of a professional) can be used for stealth kills. As well as whatever you could get your hands on. Two, the Makorov can be used as a short range weapon when Liam is the sniper and/or Marksman of the squad. Also you would need whatever you can get your hands on. Three, who the buck cares if the Beretta-92s and M9s have the same purpose. They still had to get whatever they could!
3779314 Throwing knives are only used by stunt throwers for entertainment. Anyone worth their shit will tell you how hard it is to kill someone silently from a distance. Getting hit with a throwing knife isn't going to instant-kill you, it's going to make you got "Who the hell threw a knife at me? It didn't even hit tip-first, come out assholes, I know you're there."
Two, unless he's a Russian police officer with really bad luck, there's no reason for him to even touch a Makarov. Snipers get carbines to save their asses with. Especially since not even Russian snipers get Makarovs. (They do get bayonets, iron sights, and sometimes full-auto switches... they think of sniper differently over there...)
Three, it's a pretty noticeable thing that he lost his decent weapon and took a fairly uncommon civilian version of his standard weapon.
I rather abhor stories like this, but I clicked on yours and noticed there were numerous errors and stuff so I figured I'd point the easiest ones out:
As far as the description goes, you should spell out numbers. "One thousand" looks a lot better than "1000", and "three" reads better than "3". "Casted" should be "cast". There's also some they're/their errors, which should probably be fixed.
Your dialogue is also punctuated incorrectly:
'"F-f-fuck...you." I weakly said.' should be '"F-f-fuck... you," I weakly said.' because the speech and the fragment that follows it are all part of the same sentence, essentially. If there's something like an exclamation mark then that's fine, e.g.: '"F-f-fuck... you!" I bellowed.'
All-caps look unprofessional. You should use italics or something; they're easier on the eyes and allow you to place emphasis on words without it looking like you're SHOUTING AT THE READER. Putting actions *into your dialogue like this* also shatters reader immersion into a million tiny pieces. Finally, your dialogue reads like more like a vehicle for getting from point A to point B than organic conversation. I also don't really get any feel for your soldier characters other than the fact that they're rather immature.
You also need to work on your pacing. You basically blitz through what could have been a substantially longer chapter, cramming like four scenes into 1700 words. To put that into perspective, one page in an average novel contains something like 250 words. Four scenes in six pages is Speedy Gonzales on crack.
I'm not going to bombard you like a comment warrior when it comes to grammar and punctuation, but the people below do hold a valid point. Proper grammar and punctuation, also constant checking and editing before being fully confident that the chapter is ready to be uploaded, is crucial in making an enjoyable story. This is simply because it shows you know a thing or two and isn't an eye sore for the reader. Nonetheless, I like what you have.
Like you have said, the plot and story with the fall of humanity will be explained later, which I personally find great because it makes me want to read on and find out how they fell. I can't say I don't like the characters because it's the first chapter and we've only just met them. Perhaps we could be expecting a monologue from our narrator, Jacob, I believe, on who each of these characters were, their personalities and such so that we know who well who our protagonists are. The knowledge of the weaponry seems good and truthfully I'm not fussed. So long as it's not a Chuck Norris gun they have that seems never to run out of ammo. I like how you made them state the number of their magazines. It shows the awareness and reality of the fact that these weapons do have their restrictions. The stories I've read where our human character never seems to run out of ammo...I mean do they just magically get this ammo or is it a clip that never runs out of bullets?
I've been looking for a story along the lines of this plot. Where Celestial seems like she's evil for the invasion and deaths of billions of humans and our human survivors seek out revenge. Please don't give up or feel down from the comments or the feeling of writer's block and such. They're only minor blocks from achieving better in writing. I look forward to how this story unfolds in the future.
A like and favourite from me, your buddy PsYcHo HuNt3r!
Alright before I start I already realized that revenge is spelled wrong and the description ended at against so that's already bad.
But I'll give the review when I finish reading the first chapter
3777675
Wow, I'm really dumb.
Ok please this is very decent
The plot is pretty solid compare to some other shits I seen.
Please try to explain how mankind fell Against a nation that's doesn't know fucking basic military power? And how 7 billion people died and a some other shit.
It's also kinda rushed try to explain what happen and prolong a scene.
Rather than that it's 7.83 out of 10
I won't like or fav this (YET) but I will keep a eye on this
3777712
I'm going to explain everything in the next chapter.
3777729
K den
Like but not fav (YET)
Ok so the plot is pretty good but that ending with twilight felt very rushed, She just finds a book that happens to contain humans right before they wake up? really that is just weird at least have her look into the subject for a few weeks/months and had done some exploration beforehand to make their arrival seem more realistic.
3777789
I may go back and edit this chapter.
3777804 ok cause it feels like B-movie logic "finds random item just before original owner comes to kill for it" or something like that.
Right. I'm going to give this story a downvote. It is not my policy to leave an anonymous downvote so here is why I have downvoted your story.
1: Editor, find one. There are quite a few fairly basic spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in your story that could do with fixing, for example: Vipper squad would actually be spelt Viper or Ripper depending on which word you wanted. You've also got multiple exclamation marks for one bit of speech, which is also not good.
2: how exactly do they know who Celestia is, have they been in Equestria for a while?
There are other issues here and there, but this should help.
With that in mind, I hope this information is helpful. This downvote is not intended as a personal slight but instead as an educational opportunity.
3777844
Well thanks for the help.
3777815
Alright, I Tweaked it a bit.
One thing I recommend: CAPITAL letters
I think its an interesting story, I had an idea like it a while ago, but yes you've heard this already but spell check before posting and make sure to explain a bit better. if you want I can do a prof read before you post the next chapter.
and i think I'll take you up on the OC offer you posted.
3778189
Cool, and I'll have to think about that prof read offer. You see I like to do my stories on my own without any help, it just feels really good to know that you worked on something by your self, but some help would be nice.So I'll think about it.
3777927 ok much better doesn't feel like a spur of the moment idea, and she seems to have put some thought into the exploration, it may be a good idea to have this dark shadow creature be the one to have given her the book, I.E. a new "donation" to the library setting her up for failure, and giving a reason for the closely related events in time.
3778237
FUCK YEAH I WANT MORE OF THIS!!
Jumping right into the action! Perfect. Ending was a bit rushed but awesome first chapter. Keep up the good work!
last of delta1
Alright, i look forward to what you have in store.
the to applejack and fluttershy said should be too I think
and fluttershy should be saying "I'll come with you too not" "I come with you too"
great story so far
My character is gonna be appearing I reckon yours sould try and get your character in the story I looking forward to seeing if any of yous get 1 I also looking forward to the story mainly chapter 4
I have many complaints about this story, but I'll focus on one little nitpicking area.
It's not "Scar", it's a "SCAR-H" or a "SCAR-L" (AKA the Carl).
There isn't any reason for them to have separate Beretta-92s and M9s, since they're the same weapon for practical purposes, and the military only issues "M9" series Berettas.
I feel sorry for the man who has the Makarov, it's probably not even a PMM. He might get lucky and get to "Russian hostage rescue" some cyka and kneecap them with it. Poor guy can't even share ammo with the other handguns.
Where did he find throwing knives anyway? Some teenager's closet? 'Cause there's not a chance in hell a soldier would carry those off base.
3777712
3777729
To both of you: Elements of Harmony may have wiped out a majority of the human race due to it thinking they are full of chaos as well as the sun could be used as an EMP.
To Delta: Wow, your fanfic is way better than mine!
3778993
One, the throwing knives (if used in the hands of a professional) can be used for stealth kills. As well as whatever you could get your hands on.
Two, the Makorov can be used as a short range weapon when Liam is the sniper and/or Marksman of the squad. Also you would need whatever you can get your hands on.
Three, who the buck cares if the Beretta-92s and M9s have the same purpose. They still had to get whatever they could!
3779314
Throwing knives are only used by stunt throwers for entertainment.
Anyone worth their shit will tell you how hard it is to kill someone silently from a distance. Getting hit with a throwing knife isn't going to instant-kill you, it's going to make you got "Who the hell threw a knife at me? It didn't even hit tip-first, come out assholes, I know you're there."
Two, unless he's a Russian police officer with really bad luck, there's no reason for him to even touch a Makarov. Snipers get carbines to save their asses with. Especially since not even Russian snipers get Makarovs. (They do get bayonets, iron sights, and sometimes full-auto switches... they think of sniper differently over there...)
Three, it's a pretty noticeable thing that he lost his decent weapon and took a fairly uncommon civilian version of his standard weapon.
And cover-art guys are German for some reason.
There's a difference between they're, and THEIR, you desperately need a dictionary.
3779392
3779635
Thank you.
VIPPER????
and seriously,so little words?
I rather abhor stories like this, but I clicked on yours and noticed there were numerous errors and stuff so I figured I'd point the easiest ones out:
As far as the description goes, you should spell out numbers. "One thousand" looks a lot better than "1000", and "three" reads better than "3". "Casted" should be "cast". There's also some they're/their errors, which should probably be fixed.
Your dialogue is also punctuated incorrectly:
'"F-f-fuck...you." I weakly said.' should be '"F-f-fuck... you," I weakly said.' because the speech and the fragment that follows it are all part of the same sentence, essentially. If there's something like an exclamation mark then that's fine, e.g.: '"F-f-fuck... you!" I bellowed.'
All-caps look unprofessional. You should use italics or something; they're easier on the eyes and allow you to place emphasis on words without it looking like you're SHOUTING AT THE READER. Putting actions *into your dialogue like this* also shatters reader immersion into a million tiny pieces. Finally, your dialogue reads like more like a vehicle for getting from point A to point B than organic conversation. I also don't really get any feel for your soldier characters other than the fact that they're rather immature.
You also need to work on your pacing. You basically blitz through what could have been a substantially longer chapter, cramming like four scenes into 1700 words. To put that into perspective, one page in an average novel contains something like 250 words. Four scenes in six pages is Speedy Gonzales on crack.
3780193
Thanks for the help, I'll fix it when I get the chance.
I'm not going to bombard you like a comment warrior when it comes to grammar and punctuation, but the people below do hold a valid point. Proper grammar and punctuation, also constant checking and editing before being fully confident that the chapter is ready to be uploaded, is crucial in making an enjoyable story. This is simply because it shows you know a thing or two and isn't an eye sore for the reader. Nonetheless, I like what you have.
Like you have said, the plot and story with the fall of humanity will be explained later, which I personally find great because it makes me want to read on and find out how they fell. I can't say I don't like the characters because it's the first chapter and we've only just met them. Perhaps we could be expecting a monologue from our narrator, Jacob, I believe, on who each of these characters were, their personalities and such so that we know who well who our protagonists are. The knowledge of the weaponry seems good and truthfully I'm not fussed. So long as it's not a Chuck Norris gun they have that seems never to run out of ammo. I like how you made them state the number of their magazines. It shows the awareness and reality of the fact that these weapons do have their restrictions. The stories I've read where our human character never seems to run out of ammo...I mean do they just magically get this ammo or is it a clip that never runs out of bullets?
I've been looking for a story along the lines of this plot. Where Celestial seems like she's evil for the invasion and deaths of billions of humans and our human survivors seek out revenge. Please don't give up or feel down from the comments or the feeling of writer's block and such. They're only minor blocks from achieving better in writing. I look forward to how this story unfolds in the future.
A like and favourite from me, your buddy PsYcHo HuNt3r!
3782803 What this guy said.
Good chapter so far, I'm looking forward to the next chapter... which is now.
Nicely done!