• Member Since 5th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 7th, 2014

Owl Parchment


T

When King Sombra is defeated by the main six, his soul still remains. That very soul re-enters Equestria as a foal, a filly to be exact. What will happen to the peaceful world, when its biggest menace is reborn?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 68 )

Sorry, can't like until 3+ chapters read unless its a standalone.

I'm liking what I see though Sombra's gonna be pissed to find out he's a girl.

a thumb up for you, will read this story after it's longer.

Not enough words.

Interesting. But Night Horn... *fixes bayonet*
:flutterrage: I'll gut him for that!

But seriously, wanting to see this. Truth be told now that I think about it why hasn't this already been done? It's almost bloody obvious due to the success of Penstroke's masterpiece and no one (that I've seen) has done it!?

*shrugs*

Congrats on being smarter than the average bear fan writer.

3631804
Thank you! It means a lot!

I would suggest trying to expand this chapter a bit more. More detail to it. All in all an interesting idea, but I feel it needs to be fleshed out more..

This story is Pen Stroke materia, although the only difference is that Stroky has 10k words on average for a chapter on a long story, fan fiction writer, and for that, I salute you, and I am 100% sure this will be in the feature box very shortly…
Well, back to writing, fffooorrreeevvveeerrr… :pinkiecrazy:
But really, this is emitting a 'Past Sins' vibe to it,

-Lightning

Little error in the description

What will happen to the peaceful world, when it's biggest menace is reborn?

*its'. It's is short for it is

3632628
Thanks for letting me know. I'll fix it as soon as possible. :twilightsmile:

what about the lung?

Btw, I hope this story will continue and not be one of those other stories that doesn't update in forever like the other of your stories...


Overall it was great!

Is this gonna be like Nyx is to NMM? :rainbowhuh:

3631804
Yeah I am surprised that we don't have a spoof version like Dyx in ancient blunders

3633075
Yeah, I am about halfway done with Chapter Two of this one. All these upvotes are really getting me motivated!!

3633224
Pretty much. I got he motivation from reading Past Sins. I really wanted to write my own with Sombra, except with a gender-swap.

3631804
Changed name to Night Star. I didn't think about how cheesy that was until now.

3633627 Oh, I was raging because he's a bigger d-bag than King Thranduil.

It's promising.

Just for us readers and our confort, put some spaces between the paragraphs ^^

By the way, self-faving is bad :P

I don't really like the beginning... Sombra, from what we have seen from him, would use that takeover of the dead filly as an opportunity to come back to life, not because he feels bad for the mare.

I agree with Flutters_Sniper; Sombra has not shown any forms of compassion at all. However, that doesn't mean he isn't capable of it, since we don't know anything about him. So, I'm willing to overlook it... this once.

As for the rest of the chapter, this needed to be at least two to three times as long, with more time and descriptions given to both Sombra's out of body experience, and of Nebula's life prior to this tragic news. Yet, while rushed, I do see some potential in this story. You just need to slow down a little and give us some meat on these bones.

3637462
In my mind, that is what he was doing. He did eventually have some compassion for the mare, after watching her life roll out from a different viewpoint.

I agree with it needing more fleshing out. The chapter is rather short and has a rushed feeling. The deceleration of Night Star leaving could have easily been padded out, with both arguing, Nebula pleading for him to stay, or even explaining why he'd just leave. Did they get drunk and copulate? He seems to speak as if the foal was the only thing tying him there. Why is that?

Also it does seem a bit forced for Sombra to want to help her just like that. It would have been a nice touch if he lamented over how she reminded him of a mare he knew long ago. One who either was taken from him too soon, or left him yet he can't help but feel a connection to her because of that.

It's a good start, and has some neat ideas, I just hope to see more detail put into them.

If you do so happen to favorite this, which makes me very happy if you do, would you please click that little thumbs-up button? It is right next to the favorites star. Turns green when you hover over it. Can't miss it.

Just a word of advice, this is likely to get you more downvotes than upvotes :twilightoops:

This is good so far, lots of potential. But I think you need to work on making it longer, spacing things out.

3639050
Because humans are contrary creatures who tend to respond to being told what to do with spite. It doesn't help that it's worded slightly condescendingly and placed in the description where people will read it before you've got their engagement and appreciation. :twilightoops:

The one you have in the author's notes is much better. :twilightsmile:

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. :unsuresweetie:

This... this could be good :pinkiecrazy:

I'm looking forward to this. While short it was well thought out, and I really wish there had been more available, but it at least works as a prologue. I've always liked King Sombra as a character, stemming from when I first saw the nutty stallion in his debut episode. Seeing his over-arching and dark ego mix with a filly, should be quite entertaining.

Please write another chapter!
I added this to my favorite stories list!:pinkiehappy:

Sorry, can't un-like until you proofread your story. Even the synopsis has three mistakes. (B instead of by, reenters instead of re-enters, it's instead of its) Why not start from there?

3640846
Fixed.

--

I have updated chapter one, if it doesn't let you know that it is edited.

umm.. one question, how does a merged lung make an unborn foal any more soulless than a normal unborn foal? (i can understand the set up, making it to where Sombra could possess/merge with it without being evil about it) the tissue wouldn't be dead until labor where the lung would be required to work. perhaps braindead? lack of mental waves developing? 'high likelyhood of stillborn if the brain doesnt start working soon'?

3641306
The fact that the foal has yet to take it's first breath of air, to give it life. But, it is still alive while inside it's mother. It has no thoughts of it's own until it is born, but it has a consciousness.

3641369 I do not wish to put your view of when life begins down, i have no intention of opening that can of worms but:

Why couldn't Sombra do this with any unborn foal then?:rainbowhuh: why this one? did his magics 'fix' the body by adding his own influence to the development? (certainly changed the appearance otherwise the doctors would have noticed the horn change drastically at the child's first breath)

please understand.:ajsleepy: I'm not trying to poke holes., just point them out to be addressed.

3633627

Good on you...so far the reads been great.:rainbowkiss:

3641660
This foal had no destiny, because it was a stillborn. Unborn foals have an inborn destiny that they must fulfill. Stillborns would have no other destiny other than being dead, so Sombra can change this, and make the foal into himself (or, herself, if you want to be technical.)

Were you, by any chance, inspired by Dragon Ball for this story?

3642501
No, sorry. I have never seen Dragon Ball in my life.

3642653
Ah, it's just that the final enemy "Buu" is reborn as a human kid called "Uub." Your story and the fate of Buu is practically identical.

3642703
Sound interesting. I'll have to check it out.

This certainly is an interesting concept, one that I look forward to see played out. I am a sucker for redemption stories, and this seems to shape up to be an interesting take on King Sombra's redemption.

But I'd have to say, the actual redemtion part of this story seems rather glanced over, don't you think? I don't claim to be an expert in writing, but I think the story of Sombra's story reborn as a foal would actually work better as a sequel, whereas the first story would detail Sombra's third person relationship with Nebula, how this once spiteful and hating tyrant - the pony with the heart as black as night - would warm up to this simple everyday mare - this nopony - watching her trials and tribulations, and learning just what it means to be pony, and growing to both understand and love the equine condition. The joys, the sorrow, all the things that Sombra likely never had any experience with as the hateful despot of the Crystal Empire.

But hey, those are just my two cents.

3642703
It's inspired by the premise of Past Sins. So Pen Stroke might be the best person to ask about that.

3643101
Umm... Dragon Ball is a manga that's over thirty years old. I don't know about you, but I think that is a bit older than Past Sins.

3643128

The trope is old as dirt. Naruto was treated similarly for the entire Nine Tailed Fox thing. And hell the Buu stuff was a rip off of Akira's own idea since he already did it with King Piccolo.

The trope of any evil or godly powerful being that was taken by their own power instead of being killed was reduced to nothing to humble themselves and learn has been around for a long time man.

3643351
What I meant isn't the trope of evil-turned good, but spirit of evil guy literally reborn into a new body.

3643409
Batman Beyond, Return of the Joker
Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood.
Hare Guu
Inuyasha
Hitman Reborn
and Yu Yu Hakusho have all used this to some extent.
Heck the entire point of the reincarnation cycle so likely used in many stories then.

At best this is a rip off of Past Sins in premise. But when it comes to Uub it can't. Uub is just a human reborn with the spirit of Kid Buu. He has none of his powers, just how personality to some degree and strength. He has no memory and even will have memory of being Buu unless you count when he merged with Fat Buu to become Super Uub, and that was more just Fat Buu's memories mixing with his.

3643473
You really don't get my point, do you?

Sombra's spirit is reborn into a filly.
Buu's spirit is reborn into Uub.

It's the same thing which was my point all along.
Now, just stop arguing a moot point. There's no point trying to tell me something I already know, especially when it's not related to the point whatsoever.

More i want more!

Great story though. 5 of 5 mustaches :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

3643511
in Yuyu, Kurama puts his own spirit inside that of a child, effectively being both the spirit fox and the baby at the same time.

If Buu was an established female character, you'd have some better ground but in general. It is the same thing but at the same time it's not because it's only the action.

Buu in DBZ is just a child, out to have fun and forced to listen to a wizard who tells him what fun is. He has more of a sense of what good is from absorbing kais but that's it, he's still a kid that learns. Goku realizes this and asks for Buu to get a second chance and he does.

Sombre was a full grown stallion who as far was we known in show canon is in full control of his actions. It is far different.

Basically I'm not following your complaint because it's like seeing a kid shoot a guy in self defense for himself and his mother. And seeing a kid shoot a guy for the malicious intent but acts like it wasn't as the same thing because in the end they both shoot a guy and get off free stories.

I can see where you say they are the same, I'm saying you calling it out on that is dumb because it isn't close enough in narrative to make sense.

3643128
...And you completely missed my point.

I never stated that Past Sins was older than Dragon Ball. I said that this specific premise wasn't inspired by Dragon Ball--it was inspired by Past Sins. Then I said that Past Sins may have been inspired by Dragon Ball.

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