• Published 26th Nov 2013
  • 8,776 Views, 400 Comments

Of Consorts and Thestrals - cealdra



The nobles are at it again, this time their plan to get more power backfires as the new princess tricks them. But now she`s forced to marry a comfort mare who`s been abused almost all of her life. How will the two get along. And how will Twily react?

  • ...
30
 400
 8,776

chapter 11: Forgiveness and the theories of akward dating

It had taken quite some time for the tense atmosphere to dissipate after Captain Cleansweep had left. Fluttershy had finally calmed down enough to be able to speak, though it was still soft mumbling and her head was buried in the soft fur of Redheart's chest.

Pleasant Dreams on her own was still a bit of a mess. The revelation about something so personal, yet so unknown had shaken her to the core. But for some reason Twilight had not ousted her, instead she was whispering soft reassurances. It made her heart ache, she felt as if she was betraying the gentle mare. Betraying her purely by being around her. Messing with Twilight's very thoughts by simply being in the same room.

Her eyes fell on Fluttershy, her old friend Whisper reborn. She had been able to escape their shared darkness early on. Finding not only a place to live, but friends and even somepony to love. Could she be able to do the same? Was she able to shed those memories and find somepony of her own?

The first she was unsure off. It could happen, unlikely but it could. The second part? No she doubted it. The whole nation, no almost the whole world, had known of her marriage to Twilight. No mare would even dare to come close to her. And stallions? She was not going to let one of those near her ever again.

Well not literally, just not in THAT way. She was not even sure if she would let anything near her in such a way.

Though no matter how hard her mind was screaming at her for accepting it, that she was not deserving of it. But Twilight's wing draped over her was making her feel safe. Or well safer than she had felt for the last few hours at least. At one point she had even caught herself leaning into it. Something she was quick to correct.

A cup of tea or coffee had gone by and was soon replaced by something stronger as all of them felt the need for a drink, a stiff one at that. Even Fluttershy, who normally would not even touch something alcoholic with a 100 meter long stick, had dared herself to take a small glass of lemon liquor.

With the alcohol flowing a bit, easing the tension and the stress of the previous revelations, talking became a bit more natural.

Ahead by at least two glasses to everypony else in the room, the normally quite reserved Redheart had been regaling how she and Fluttershy became a couple during one of the biggest flu epidemics the town had ever seen. All able ponies with even a little medical knowhow had been summoned to help. And amidst the sneezing, coughing and other less pleasant items a spark ignited between the nurse and the wildlife ranger.

Dreams had to admit, it had all the items of a sappy romance novel. From the initial fear of being rejected to the overly dramatic kiss at the end. How in the name of everything worthwhile praying to nopony had ever discovered the two lovers or their crush on eachother in the early stages was a complete mystery. Neither of them appeared to be very good at hiding their emotions for what she had seen of them the past couple of hours.

As the story came to an end Redheart had came to a question both Twilight and Dreams had been dreading. The question on how the two of them came to meet and eventually fall for eachother. Fluttershy knew the truth, so there was no way they could tell the cover story Celestia and Luna had thought up for them. Simply because the kind mare would never be able to uphold the lie in front of her marefriend.

Dreams simply remained silent while Twilight started to talk. It was embarrassing for the two of them to admit to have agreed to marry a complete and utter stranger.

Through the clinical and rather cold way Twilight was regaling the story of the ancient, and completely covered up, law and how the nobles had been using it for millennia to obtain power.

At the end Redheart was surprised, confused and angered beyond comprehension. She was only able to get out a single word.

“Why?”

Twilight had been stupefied by the question, as she did not quite understood what kind of why Redheart had meant. Pleasant Dreams on the other hoof? She had been amongst the most irritable and incomprehensible ponies in existence for most of her life. She had a decent guess about what was being meant.

“Because of your reaction, miss Redheart. If ponies knew that the nobles had such a law and where not afraid to abuse it, there would be a riot.”

Dreams shook her head.
“No, not a riot. Try a civil war. That is if ponies would even believe it if they read it. And besides what sounds better?”

She put on her best newsreaders voice, all serious and grim.
“Newly crowned princess forced into marriage with an unknown pony by some obscure ancient law. Learn more about it at 6 pm tonight. Or something like this: In a recent event our newly crowned princess, Princess Twilight Sparkle, has announced her upcoming marriage with her long term secret lover. a maid she had come to know and date during her time as princess Celestia's protegé, one miss Pleasant Dreams. Be sure to watch this fairy tale wedding of the princess and the maid tomorrow at noon!”

The other three all had to agree, the last part did sound a lot better. And the best part was, the nobles would not even dare to oppose this. Because they to knew that the secret laws should never be made public. And it did cause Redheart's fury to calm down a little. At least the part that was shown in her body language.

It was a soft voice that spoke up, not accusing or anything. Simply a remark. Something that most likely had just popped up in Fluttershy head.
“But then you never really where able to enjoy just exploring each other.”

That got a couple of strange looks turned towards Fluttershy, who in her turn turned bright red as she realized her words.
“Ooh my, not like that. I'm sure you will be able to if you wanted.”

Each word only caused her blush to intensify significantly.
“I just meant, you know dating. Going out and do fun stuff. To learn to be at ease with each other.”

The unspoken, and maybe grow to like each other, was left unsaid but heavily implied. Though neither of the two had looked at eachother after Fluttershy of all ponies made the comment.
Though both of them did so for different reasons.

With a red faced Fluttershy and the well advance into the night, it was decided to simply leave the comments as being said and agreeïng to pick up their time together at another time. Perhaps at Fluttershy's cottage for a change of scenery.

Though, Twilight and Redheart both agreed that it was more for the two old friends to be re-acquainted with each other. And perhaps for the other two to even get to know each other in the first place.

The goodbyes were swift, mostly because all four were tired. And perhaps more than a little shaken from the news received earlier that day.

A bit sullen, due the fact that she knew a sleepless night was ahead of her, Pleasant Dreams walked off towards her own bed. Only to be stopped by Twilight mere seconds before entering it. Dreams found it strange to find a little trace of hurt in Twilight's voice.

“You are going to try and sleep alone tonight?”

The question was a moot one, there was no way in Tartarus that she could expect Twilight to humor her with her little disability. Not now, not with her being able to influence the alicorn's mind with her mere presence. She was shaken from her depressing thought as she felt a wing slowly guiding her away from the door.
Looking up she saw the gentle sparkle in Twilight's eyes, but also the sadness close at the surface behind it.

“You are still worried about what Captain Cleansweep told you, aren't you?”

A nod came as a reply, Dreams simply could not find her voice. But fortunately for her Twilight seemed to be unaffected by it, she merely drew her in a closer hug.

“Don't worry about it Dreams. You heard what he said, it's not your fault and it is most certainly not harmfull. I made a promise to you on that ship last week. I promised you that I would be there for you and help you find yourself. I am not going to abandon you just because it might get a little harder for me.”

What Twilight did not say was those night sleeping besides Pleasant Dreams had been some of the best nights in her life. The feeling of Dreams' well kept and surprisingly fluffy fur combined with the velvet wings draping over her was more than pleasant to Twilight. Adding the now known calming effect on the mind, Twilight often woke more rested then countless nights of normal sleep before.

“You can still come with me.”

A small blush came to Twilight's face, she was well aware of the fact that she was feeling some sort of attraction to the thestral. That physical attraction had been clear on the day she had met the other mare.

And she would be telling a lie if she would say that somewhere deep inside she did not like Pleasant Dreams as a pony in general. Smart, funny and attractive. What more could a mare desire in a mate?

Twilight had rationalized it by wishing the best for Dreams, to see her smile more and enjoy life. And perhaps get to know the mare deep within the reserved and still a bit skittish thestral. But if she was going to be really honest with herself. More honest than she had ever dared to be, she would have to admit that there was a small soft spot growing within her heart for the other mare. And that by chance, the more she got to see from the real Pleasant Dreams the quicker and larger that spot seemed to grow.

Well besides from a forced marriage that is. That stuff can kind off kill the mood needed to properly try and get to know another in any real intimate way.
“So, umm… you coming?”

There really was no internal struggle for Dreams. She might not admit it but the prospect of snuggling up to the alicorn did seem enticing. Certainly a lot more than spending a night awake in her own bed.

Alone.

With only her thoughts about the day to keep her company.

With the no-brainer out of the way and after taking care of some personal things like bathroom time and brushing one's teeth of course, the two found themselves laying besides each other.

It did not take long for Pleasant Dreams to fall asleep, the tiring day had really taken a lot out of her. But not Twilight, no she was still awake. Something Fluttershy had said struck a chord within her. Not the part of enjoying each other, she would never take advantage of the thestral like that. If Dreams were to come to her like that on her own, well who would she be to say no.

It was the part of dating that kept her thinking. Perhaps it would be nice to do something like that. The night at the restaurant in Baltimare had been good. Cheap wine, good food and conversations. Not to mention the play in Manehattan.

Though on second thought, considering the headache of the next day, not the play in Manehattan. Twilight had learned the hard way of what happens when one drinks too much alcohol.

A date would also have a nice secondary effect. The vultures about town would finally be able to snap a shot at the new couple. Something, according to Rarity earlier this morning, they had been dying to get.

The next day found Dreams waking up alone. It was not a rare occurrence for Twilight to be up earlier. Considering that the two of them had only woken up at the same time. What was strange was a small trail of rose petals leading towards the small common room.

Every step she took towards the small dining table was filled with even more cliché's then one of those incredibly sappy romance books. From the candles on the table to the soft music on the background.

In the dimly lit room not even a thestral's naturally good sight could have seen the small stack of books in the corner. Nor could the titles which included items: 'Settings: a guide to the perfect date' and 'how to woo your mare in ten easy steps'

When a blushing Twilight stepped out with a tray of freshly baked buns (they were only slightly burned) things where getting cleared up.
The confusion must have been clear on Dream's face as Twilight had started to talk.
“Last night I came to an conclusion.”

The blush on her face started to grow even bigger.
“While we have done things together, we.... Well we never had an actual date. So I kinda planned the whole day as one.”

The whole thing had been completely silly to Dreams. A date? A proper date? Like between two real lovers, and not the pretenders they where?

Why? A media-stunt perhaps? Or was it something more, something more tangible or real?
She could not fathom why Twilight was asking her to go on a date?

While Dreams was wondering just why Twilight was doing this, and trying to figure out her own answer the alicorn had problems of her own.
One could say that she was having a very mild panic attack. Doubts of her plan started to form. And she could not help but think that she might have moved a bit too swiftly.

Her spell of doubts soon came to a screeching halt when Dreams spoke in a soft and still unsure voice.
“I think, I think I'd like to. But may I ask why?”

With the yes in the proverbial pocket, Twilight began to explain what she had been thinking about the previous night.
Though she did lay a bit more heavy on the really getting to know each other in a more well normal setting for a married couple. Though Dreams did also agree on that it might be a good choice to get the paparazzi to take pictures off. They could be really pesky if they got without a good snoop for too long.

“So euhm, what have you planned for today then Twilight?”

That question had brought a smile on Twilight's face. With a flash of magic several scrolls levitated themselves from the piles of books. Each of them contained an event, all neatly stacked in several stacks.
Morning, lunch, afternoon, dinner, evening.

“Well I was planning a few things. But to make it fair and in the spirit of really getting to know each other, you know to see what we like and such, I figured we each choose one activity and one meal. How about I take morning activities and dinner and you choose lunch and the afternoon? And we'll see where we end up for the evening”

Dreams thought for a moment, it did sound enticing. Maybe they could even forget the whole ordeal of the previous day. Ideas already started to form. Both for the activity and for the lunch.
A small smile started to grace her lips, and to Dreams surprise the same smile started to grow on Twilight's muzzle.

“Alright, I accept your terms. Now then what have you planned for this morning?”

A regret instantly formed when she saw the large predatory grin forming on Twilight's face. It made her nervous just to look at it.

An hour or two later Dreams found herself regretting accepting the 'date' even more as she was fleeing for her proverbial life.
In an attempt to be spontaneous and daring (all according to the strategy of the perfect date she devised of course) had chosen to take Pleasant Dreams out to the paintball field.

Yes, Ponyville had one of those. And especially in the spring and summer it was a location well visited by tourists from Canterlot with loads of bits to spend on the extra paint.

They had joined a few games, and while tricky at first Dreams had soon proven to be quite the adapt at the game. Well she was quite adept at it until she had accepted a friendly challenge from one of the local players.

Something they had called 'The duck hunt'. And stupidly enough she had been selected to be the duck.

Mere seconds after accepting the challenge, which she did despite heavy resistance from Twilight, she was deeply regretting it.
Especially since those triggerhappy goons had been spraying their pellets like there was no tomorrow.

As she dragged her paint coated body off the field she looked more like the mane of Rainbow Dash then the greyish thestral she was.
The laughing Twilight who was greeting her back did not help her mood a lot either. Well at least until she found the alicorn pointing at several flying colors pallets behind her.

Turned out that in her mad dash of not getting hit she had managed to evade so many paint pellets that the many photographers following the couple around had been off much, much worse than Dreams herself. They looked like not a single speck of their fur had any of their normal color remaining.
The sight of those vultures in such a state did give her a little pleasure.

But now that she was covered in paint, and perhaps more than a few welts, an idea of her own came. She had felt how well the aim of the regulars had been. With a devilish smile she approached Twilight and started to whisper her idea, and with consent of Twilight she went to the regulars who promptly agreed, if only they were promised a full case of paint each if they were to compete with them.

It was simple, very simple in core. A match between Ponyville and paparazzi. Nothing much, just a simple deathmatch. Last to have a pony standing would win.

And what would they win? Well if the press won a photoshoot, and it was promised to make it very much worth their while.
If Ponyville would win the paparazzi would leave Twilight and Dreams alone for at least a full week.

Like a school of sharks the whole group of fluttering camera's descended upon the rental stall. Trying to get equipped as soon as possible.

With everypony equipped and ready to go the signal was starting. While severely outmatched it was obvious who would win.

Homefield advantage, more experience and by far superior equipment was making short work of all the buzzards.

A few on the home team had been hit by a lucky shot, Dreams had to give it to the photographers they did know how to aim. Probably because of all the time they had to take popshots with the camera while being on the run.

The massacre did not last long, though Twilight had been caught in a rather explosive crossfire at the very beginning of the game. Shot right on the plot, Dreams had seen it and was struggling to keep her composure when one of her own teammates was making a size/bulls-eye joke.
While yes, Twilight was a bit larger in that department it had fitted the alicorn. She somehow made the larger tush seem like it was normal.

And if she was to be really honest? That little extra fat on Twilight made for a very comfy snuggle. But during a game like this? It only served to make her a bigger target.
At the end of the game, all of the press was dripping off (in most cases quite literally as they had been hosed down to clean off all the paint) leaving their would be prey in a sense of peace of sorts.

A now sopping wet Twilight was looking at Dreams. “So, then what are we doing for lunch?”

The lunch Dreams had planned was not anything special, but still it was something she had on her list to do, the one she wrote in her mind for when she would get a normal life, for ages.
To add another was simply a condition of circumstance, not exactly planned but certainly not unwelcome.

She simply motioned for Twilight to follow, hopefully Spike was keeping his end of the bargain. A simple deal actually, Dreams agreed to take on a day of chores from Spike if he would be at a certain spot she had found the day before at around lunch-time.

Only this time she was adamant NOT to take the long scenic route along the forest borders. This time she was going to take flight and go straight towards it.

It did not take long, perhaps a flight of 10 minutes, and the lake she had discovered the day before came into sight. And on the beach of the lake lay a small red and white checkered blanket amongst a large sea of flowers. It was still exactly like it had been the day before.

The closer they came the better the scent of the flowers became, a small basket had been placed upon the blanket.

While Dreams was examining the basket, and finding out that Spike had gone completely full out with all manner of things besides the simple sandwiches which had been requested, Twilight was standing in awe.

“So from the silence I take it that you like the location for our picnic?”

A nod from Twilight was the only response she had received. Dreams could understand the silence, it was a pretty nice spot. If you could forget the doom and gloom forest right at your back.

The meal was eaten in relative silence, the only small talk that was made was about the surroundings. The sense of calmness of the lake and the flower fields and its offset to the forest. But both mares felt at peace, they felt that the meal should simply be enjoyed without any intrusion.

With the last crumbs of an most excellent quiche, pieces of fruit salad and the last drops of cider gone it became time for them to leave the almost surreal surroundings behind.

Dreams plans for the afternoon where bit more rustic and calm then Twilight's. Though the paintball had been fun, especially bashing the paparazzi. Though unfortunately not all of those sleezebags seemed to uphold their end of the deal. If the incidental flash coming from the clouds where any clear cut indication.

No, Dreams had looked at Twilight's idea's and concepts that morning and saw something that was absolutely appropriate for how the day was supposed to be spend. Both in the way that it could be done on a real date, instead of the mock one she still believed this one was, and something friends would do with each other.

Coincidentally it was something she had high on her list of things to do. Something her old master had always enjoyed, at least he claimed to enjoy it, but never once had she been able to go.

But now the only problem was to rouse Twilight who had placed herself besides Dreams in a sort of food induced coma, in a very similar way as her thoughts had placed the alicorn the previous day.

A soft poke to the side caused a sleepy looking Twilight to stare at Dreams.
“Well as nice as just staying here would be and just enjoy the scenery but we do have a place we need to be in about 20 minutes. So how about waking up sleepyhead?”

The only response was a muffled 'Don't wanna, is comfy here' and a Twilight who was laying her head back down.

If this where to continue then her plans for the afternoon would be in real danger. Her mind wandered a bit to what she could do to wake up the slumbering alicorn. A thought came up, something she really did not like doing. But it had proven very effective in the past.

Slowly she moved her mouth towards Twilight, then suddenly pushing her tongue into the nearest ear. Causing Twilight to jump up with a small shriek.

Dreams herself slowly stood up and stretched her wings a little, letting the blood flow a bit better within them for the flight back. Having somepony propped up against one was not the most enjoyable sensation.
Something which most likely explained why couples often draped a wing across the others back or where sitting a little bit further apart.

“Now that you are awake, it's time for us to go. We, well I think me mostly, wouldn't want to miss the second part now would we?”

Twilight was about to protest, it was not right leaving all the stuff they had used behind like that. But Dreams was already one step ahead and merely shook her head, signaling that it had already been taken care off.

Or well, better said it would be taken care off. In a moment or two. The things that little drake would do for a day of slacking off. And as if on cue, right after take-off Dreams could see Spike walking towards the site. Luckily he also had opted to take the safe route. Though she was pretty surprised to see him carrying a second basket and that he was not alone. A white filly had been closely at his side. Dreams made a small mental note to ask him later about it, there had to be a good story behind that one.

Somewhat halfway into town Twilight had been starting to grow anxious. It was obvious that she really wanted to know what was going to happen, she had told Dreams of her plans straight away. But the thestral was being completely silent. She only said that it was something she had always wanted to do. Which in turn made things even more interesting to Twilight and harder to resist. Hence her constant pestering.

The conclusion however was a bit of a let down, at least for Twilight. Dreams had selected to go to the cinema, just the cinema to see a movie. There was nothing special about it.

Though when Twilight had been thinking about it, perhaps there was something special about it. The subtle hints dropped, the way the thestral seemed to be dancing on her hooves in excitement.
And of course the massive hint Dreams had voiced.
“I have never been to this place, but my old master enjoyed it immensely.”

Though as for her choice in movies? Twilight was fearing that a loooong discussion was going to be due.

Some cheesy flick about vamponies and teenagers being in love with each other was not a proper movie to watch on a date. She had read the books and for what she knew about the story it was not suited to be watched, period.
Who ever had written it should have been lashed with a permanent writer's block as far as she was concerned. It was an atrocity to the written word. Not even worth being called a book.

But still, they had a good time during that god awful theatershow a week ago. So perhaps she was wrong and perhaps Dreams presence could make the movie doable.

Roughly two hours later Twilight was a horrible mess. Dreams herself was not doing quite so well either. Both regretting choosing that movie and having sat through the entire thing. Both of them were quite a bit of a shivering mess and that was not only of the horrid dialogue or the even worse acting.
It was from the screeching fan fillies in the room.

But all in all, Dreams had enjoyed it. Though she did promised Twilight that she would think more clearly about a movie in the future. And quite possibly discuss it before going to see it as well.

On the bright side of things, the cinema itself had been absolutely amazing. The scents, sounds and the popcorn. Ooh one must not forget the popcorn. That sweet and buttery treat. How she could have lived her life without it Dreams could never guess. Though cleaning her hooves afterwards was a bit of a nuisance.

Now they only had to wait until it was time for dinner. Hopefully it would go just as good as the rest of the day. Nice and peaceful, without to many problems.

Author's Note:

Notes:
Pfff, writer's block and rewriting the first bit of the chapter almost four times. Sorry for the wait, hopefully it will all go faster now.
And a thx for my editors: White Dragon and CrimsonWalker

Editor Notes:
eachother is not a word, each other is.
That is all. Check out my stories (shameless Self Plug)

Comments ( 34 )

Interesting chapter though it felt short. I also find myself wondering what happened to Diamond Tiara. Otherwise glad to see this updated

Nice date, especially the press getting creamed by the Ponyville Paintball Players. Poor Dreams chose the wrong movie... you'd think she'd avoid anything that had to do with Vamponies. Hopefully she can enjoy a movie again later. I can't wait to see what Twilight has planned for dinner.

6167454
Thats a reason I might reveal during my next upload.

One can never take too many potshots at Twilight.

"What?" :twilightangry2:

Not you, Twilight...the other Twilight!

:twilightoops: "Oh!" :twilightsheepish: "Never mind. Carry on." :twilightsmile:

6167489
Oooh so true, its the only book i`ve ever read in which I could not even finish the first chapter.

I'm going to have to reads this, eventually. Especially since

her new bride has been the comfort mare of a spoiled brat ever since getting her cutiemark?

this SCREAMS blueballs

Eh , as cute as ever. :twilightsmile:

Some sentences tend to flow a bit strangely in my opinion ( plus various stuff that need to be corrected that I saw)
Underlined are stuff that need to be corrected , Strike are things that need to be deleted , Italics are things that need to be added.

And she would be telling a lie if she would say that somewhere deep inside she did not like Pleasant Dreams as a pony

I'm almost sure that there is a problem with your tenses in this sentence. Shouldn't "would say" be "said" ?

That stuff can kind off kill the mood

"of" , not "off"

Not the part of enjoying each otherwell [...] who would she be to say no.

"About"

While Dreams was wondering just why Twilight was doing this, and was trying to figure out her own answer , the alicorn had problems of her own.

A coma should be after answer I think.

Shot right on the plot, Dreams had seen it and was struggling to keep her composure when one of her own teammates was making a size/bulls-eye joke.
While yes, Twilight was a bit larger in that department it had fitted the alicorn. She somehow made the larger tush seem like it was normal.

Hum... maybe something like "She had to admit that while Twilight was a bit larger than the usual in that department , it fitted the alicorn." ? The first part of the quote is there because there is a problem with your tenses here ... but sadly I do not know how to correct it at this time (still pondering about that.)

Though unfortunately not all of those sleezebags seemed to uphold their end of the deal. If the incidental flash coming from the clouds where any clear cut indication.

Should be a coma , not a full stop.

There is a lot more that I don't have the time to correct here. Mostly :
1- Tense Sequence (or tense concordance , don't know the correct term in english for that.)
2- Comas , either lacking or replaced by a full stop.

I should however mention that this story is the only one with so many errors that I read (and don't dislike , as my inner grammar nazi would like to) , because even with these (Meaning grammar and sentences flow) , you still manage to have a correct story pacing and a mostly correct spelling. (Not to mention interesting characters.) And that's better than a lot of writters already. :pinkiehappy:
So , well , carry on I guess. :twilightsheepish:

I really wish I could give this story a thumbs up for each chapter instead of once. Keep up the good work. I look forward to the coming chapters.

6167550 Oh no, he had plenty of sex whenever he wanted. No blueballs for him... or the friends he 'shared' her with.

6167585

Hum... maybe something like "She had to admit that while Twilight was a bit larger than the usual in that department , it fitted the alicorn." ?

Suited.

Shot right on the plot, Dreams had seen it and was struggling to keep her composure when one of her own teammates was making a size/bulls-eye joke.

The first part of the quote is there because there is a problem with your tenses here ... but sadly I do not know how to correct it at this time (still pondering about that.)

Dreams had seen it and struggled to keep her composure as one of her teammates cracked a size/bull's eye joke.
???

Still say the war would be worth it. and seriously how could the nobles last long in one anyway. Especially with the reason this one would be started. Still nice chapter.

Yay dates!

getting to know each other in a more well normal setting for a married couple

Here's an example of an issue you're still having. You don't want to write as though you're talking to the audience when you're writing for characters. "in a more... well, normal, setting for a married couple" you've got going on here is practically conversational and doesn't fit in. You do this fairly often, try to keep an eye on it and squash little slip-ups like that, and you'll have improved again.

So, Spike had the same idea huh? :unsuresweetie:

I'm always happy to see this story get updated

This continues to be very interesting, and the date has been cute so far. From the way the chapter ended, I expect something horrible to occur at dinner. :rainbowlaugh:

Anyway, keep on writing; you're doing a fantastic job so far!

6168195

Ah , thank you. Since english isn't my native language sometime a simple solution seems to elude me.
I must have been tired.

Great chapter. This was fun to read. Good luck with the next part. I loved how even though the movie was horrible, Plesant, enjoyed it.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Okay, your story is interesting, I'll give you that. However, it's a bloody disaster of formatting and grammar. It reads choppy, almost like you were writing as it came to mind without trying to properly take it that half step further to bring it from thoughts to a proper paragraph to have it flow properly. It reads extremely choppy, and oftentimes it looks like paragraphs flow together because there's a severe lack of double-spacing, and you seem to completely avoid tab-indenting altogether.

Now, part of it might be your 'editor,' certainly, but the full blame definitely cannot be put on them. You are giving them a rather hard task, and the only reason I might be sounding as hard as I am is that I see almost little improvement from the first chapters to this most recent one. You need to spend more time on your writing and better grouping your thoughts into stronger sentences and paragraphs. Your writing like what one might see from a first-person point of view story, but you're solely using the third-person perspective. It's lazy writing, basically, and it makes it near impossible to achieve immersion into the story, ass it is a task in and of itself to even read the story.

I'm only on Chapter 2 or 3 right now, but this was enough of a glaring issue that I went ahead and quickly skimmed the text to see if there was the same errors before posting this. The story seems to have potential, but that potential is buried underneath the rubble of poor formatting and writing. I believe that you can do it and clean it up, but there's just too many errors to make this worth reading right now. I'll see if I can't push through, so I can give you a critique of the plot itself, as it is an interesting one, even if the 'archaic law so that we can control a princess' as a plot device came off as rather weak. It did it's job, and Pleasant does seem to be an interesting character.

Well I like it so far. I can't wait to see where this actually goes between them.

Yeah looks like you need a proof reader at least.

Nice Twilight Movie reference with "Some cheesy flick about vamponies and teenagers being in love with each other was not a proper movie to watch on a date. She had read the books and for what she knew about the story it was not suited to be watched, period.":rainbowlaugh:

6641674
They just do, a pinch is an otherword for a little bit

fifty-nine weeks. where da story at?

Just a shout out for this fantastic story!! Can't wait for more!!

I miss this. I remember when it was still updating. Gaaa.

I can't wait for more chapters of this story to be added I hope its done soon.

I saw the previous update was over 2 years ago, knowing it's a trap
I still read it
I still enjoyed it
I still want more of it...

WHY?! WHY MUST THIS BE SO GOOD?!

Does anybody know any storys like this

We are all still hoping your writers block goes away for consorts.
Still one of the great unfinished stories.

Hope this is not dead it's a good story

When's the next chap author-san

10545045
I'm looking forward to the rewrite myself, while it does feel a little fast-paced for the short amount of time that seems to be present it is an excellent concept that I would love to see more of.

Edit: I actually have this story in my absolute favorites list and it's been one that I've been looking forward to an update for for the past 3 years since I found it, but if it's going through a rewrite it's automatically going into my absolute favorites because I suspect since the last update you probably gotten a lot better at writing.

Hope you eventually plan to continue this and maybe some of your other stories like The Amethyst Rose.

█╗░░░██╗██████╗░██████╗░░█████╗░████████╗███████╗
██║░░░██║██╔══██╗██╔══██╗██╔══██╗╚══██╔══╝██╔════╝
██║░░░██║██████╔╝██║░░██║███████║░░░██║░░░█████╗░░
██║░░░██║██╔═══╝░██║░░██║██╔══██║░░░██║░░░██╔══╝░░
╚██████╔╝██║░░░░░██████╔╝██║░░██║░░░██║░░░███████╗
░╚═════╝░╚═╝░░░░░╚═════╝░╚═╝░░╚═╝░░░╚═╝░░░╚═══

10545045
Can’t wait for the rewrite then

Login or register to comment