Born in Equestria
Born in Equestria
7. Born in Equestria
It was a great morning for flying, and on her first morning back from Cloudsdale, Rainbow Dash was in a mood to enjoy it. She was doing a few slow laps around the edges of Ponyville while she watched the activity in the streets below. The sun was shining, it was warm but not hot, the winds were nice and calm...
"Whoa! Lookout!" Rainbow yelled in alarm, ducking out of the way as Ponyville's very own grey and blonde local flight hazard barreled towards her on a collision course.
"Sorry Rainbow Dash!" Derpy Hooves exclaimed, beating her wings against the air to stop her forward momentum and grinding to a halt.
The two pegasi, now hovering in place in the air, turned to face each other.
"Man, Derpy, you've gotta be more careful, you know?" Rainbow Dash scolded her, though more laughingly than seriously. "We don't want somepony getting hurt."
"I know," Derpy smiled sheepishly, and tapped her forehooves together with contrite nervousness. "I'll do better. I'm sorry."
"Nah, forget it. 'S okay. We all make mistakes, right?" Rainbow Dash patted her on the shoulder.
Derpy didn't say anything, but she nodded back appreciately.
"So how've you been, anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked. "No ponies picking on you or anything like that?"
"Nope!" Derpy shook her head and smiled. "Not for a long time."
"Hey, good. Glad to hear it," Rainbow Dash said.
"I'm glad you're back, Rainbow Dash," Derpy said, throwing her forelegs around Rainbow Dash and hugging her without warning, disrupting the pacing of their wingbeats and causing both of them to drop several feet in the air before they could compensate.
"Yeah, I know. You already told me at Pinkie Pie's party a while back," Rainbow Dash said, feeling a little awkward with her forelimbs pinned down by the mare clinging to her, "remember?"
"Well, I meant after this last week, too," Derpy explained. "I was worried. You were gone and nopony knew why."
"Oh! Well, I... Uhh..." Rainbow Dash felt embarrassed. "I was just... Needed to take care of... Stuff. That's all."
"Okay," Derpy released her. "Princess Twilight seemed worried too. She kept asking if anypony had seen you. She needed to find you for something. You should go talk to her. I think she'd be glad to see you."
"Alright, I'll stop by," Rainbow Dash nodded. "Thanks!"
"No problem, Rainbow!" Derpy smiled.
"See ya!" Rainbow Dash waved and the two pegasi turned and flew off in their respective directions. She felt pretty alright. Something about Derpy's face, innocent and friendly, always made Rainbow Dash happy to see.
It was a little bit after lunch when Rainbow Dash landed outside the Ponyville library. She was more confident and more eager to see her friends compared to this time last week, feeling a lot better about things after her change of scenery in the cloud city.
After knocking on the door, she pulled it open and stepped into the library, out of the early afternoon sun and smell of the grass and into the subtle scent of paper and books that filled the old hollow tree.
As expected, a familiar sight was inside, of Twilight Sparkle standing near a book laying open on a reading stand and a small stack of others already on the floor next to it.
"Hey, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight said happily in greeting as she saw who was walking in the door. She left the book momentarily forgotten while she smiled and started trotting up to the pegasus. "There you are."
"Yep! Here I am," Rainbow Dash nodded as she walked further into the library towards her friend. "I heard you wanted to see me about something?"
"Yes. You weren't at home for a few days... Nopony was sure where you went," Twilight said. "Everything alright?"
"That? Oh. I just went out to Cloudsdale for a week," Rainbow Dash said. "Y'know, to visit my family and stuff there. No big deal. Sorry you couldn't find me, guess I shoulda let everypony know. I didn't think I'd be gone that long, though, honestly... I thought it would only be a couple days, and it just kinda turned into a little more than that."
"Oh! I see," Twilight nodded. "So, have fun? How's everypony doing?"
"They're doing alright," Rainbow Dash said. "And yeah, I had a good time. It was nice to see my old home city again."
"I'll bet," Twilight said wistfully. "I haven't been back to Canterlot in..." She shook her head. "I don't even know right now... But anyway, it's not why I needed to find you."
"So what's going on?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Well, Mayor Mare came by the library a couple days ago. She was really the one who wanted to talk to you, I think she just thought I might be the best way to reach you, being your friend," Twilight explained. "She said she wanted to arrange a day of celebration in Ponyville for the war, now that it's finally over. I guess one of the events is supposed to be a parade, and, well... With you being one of our big heroes who fought out there and all... She wanted to find out if you would be interested in being part of that."
Twilight Sparkle paused for a moment. The thought made Rainbow Dash feel funny. Her heart started beating more rapidly in her chest, in an unpleasant way.
"So I told her that sounded like a great idea, and that as soon as I ran into you next I'd pass along her request. So that's what I'm doing," Twilight finished up. "What do you think?"
"I... Uh... Yeah, well, that's kind of... Umm..." Rainbow Dash stumbled uncomfortably.
"Knowing you, I sort of assumed you'd be interested," Twilight said, with a little smile.
Knowing me? Rainbow Dash felt a stirring anger in response to that, glowing hot like an ember inside her chest. You can't say that, you DON'T know me anymore!
"I'm really not sure..." Rainbow Dash felt her pulse pounding in her head, and her ears flattened, "... that I want to be in something like that..."
"Huh? Why not?"
"Because... What I did... They really weren't good things," Rainbow Dash said.
"But you kept Equestria safe," Twilight seemed confused. "That's not good?"
"Yeah? And what did we do to do that?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Well, what you had to, I suppose," Twilight said. "It's not easy, but that's why you deserve the recognition for it. Right?"
"So you basically think we should be celebrating all that killing," Rainbow Dash said flatly. She grew more uncomfortable and more upset, the heat within her rising little by little.
"What?" Twilight half-closed one eye and looked at Rainbow Dash strangely. "No, it's because we should be glad that the war went well and that we won..."
"Yeah. We won by killing them, all those griffins," Rainbow Dash said. "Not all of them were the ones who deserved it. A lot of them were just trying to protect themselves like any of us would have done."
"Well, I don't like that, sure," Twilight said, "but it could have been a lot worse. Could have been a lot more ponies killed instead. So isn't it still better than what things could have been? We should just be glad that Equestria came out ahead."
Ponies mattered, griffins didn't. Was that it? The bottom line of what Twilight was saying sounded that way. That sentiment, what felt to her like the terrible unthinking callousness of it, blew air on the fire inside Rainbow Dash, making it burn brighter.
It dug into her in a tormenting way that she refused to stand for.
"Why, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked. She was speaking quickly and harshly, with her words driven by that heat. "What makes you or me so much better than them? Because we were born in Equestria and they weren't? Did that make them deserve this? Because they're different? Because a few griffins and a few ponies made mistakes and started a war and well, oh, gee, sorry, you guys didn't do anything wrong but you got in the way so now you have to die? Is that it? Is that..."
Yeah, that sounds just about right. Brings back memories. Good times, huh?
Rainbow Dash's voice broke. "Is that all their lives were worth?" She managed to get out, in a hoarse voice. Tears started threatening to run down her face from her watering eyes. She blinked them away, hiding it.
Twilight backed up pensively a half-step, one foreleg partly raised. She looked worried as she tried to speak. "Rainbow... Come on. That's not what this is abou-"
Something about hearing Twilight still trying to justify celebrating what should never be celebrated fanned the glow of that ember, making it reach that point of bursting from low smouldering into wild flaming, and in that sudden wave of heat, something finally broke loose completely.
"That's EXACTLY what this is about!!" Rainbow Dash screamed suddenly. "I lost count of how many griffins I killed! We spent three years slaughtering them and now you want to have some big bucking celebration like it's something to be proud of! What in the FUCK is wrong with you!?"
Twilight's mouth fell open, aghast, and she stared forward in Rainbow Dash's direction in blank wide-eyed shock. There was stunned, motionless silence that filled the room like a tangible presence.
The heat was coursing through her, more and more intensely by the second. It was an inferno, out of control, burning her alive and driving her mad with the overwhelming need to escape from it, to escape from here, this library, this purple alicorn, the source fueling it in her ignorance and her blindness. It was enraging to Rainbow Dash that Twilight wanted to mindlessly cheer for bloodshed and murder and it was so easy for her because she had never had to go out there and do it herself and see it all happen right in front of her.
Rainbow Dash breathed in and out in heavy panting breaths through gritted teeth, staring back at Twilight.
All Rainbow Dash could see was how Twilight wanted to hold the war up like a banner and shove it in everypony's face, and glorify it, like it was some great and noble thing worth going back to - like this was something worth remembering. All Rainbow Dash wanted was to forget, and this... This nobody, this clueless civilian... Wanted to put her atrocities in a spotlight of attention here at home, like a trophy.
Rainbow Dash felt like she would lose her mind completely to her rage. She had to get out of here, because the longer she stayed the more she felt like she would burn away helplessly, to nothing but ash, if she didn't escape.
Goddamn you, it's supposed to be over, and you just wanna drag it all back up and pull me back into it to parade me around?
The thought seared through her head and a furiously resolute determination set itself in her mind in response. No. Not a chance, that would never happen.
Never.
Twilight's mouth was moving again, she was trying to say something. It was indistinct and Rainbow Dash didn't hear it through the pounding in her ears and the enflamed thoughts in her own head. It didn't matter, whatever it was. Twilight didn't have the first clue what she was talking about. She couldn't. Rainbow Dash was glad she couldn't hear, too, the ignorant blathering would undoubtedly only throw more fuel on the fire if it was comprehensible.
It was time to go.
"Yeah, well, you enjoy your parade or whatever," Rainbow Dash said, with a frostbitten chill in her voice in surreal contrast with the heat she felt inside. "Maybe you like cheering about murdering people. I'm not gonna do it," she was already turning to leave the library as she spoke. She walked out the door, slamming it behind herself with a vicious kick, into the afternoon sunlight.
As soon as she was outside she immediately took off, flying as hard as she could. Loose leaves were torn from vegetation and trees and sucked spiraling through the air in her wake. She pushed even her own formidable speed to the limit, working her flight muscles so mercilessly that they surged with screaming pain by the time she reached her cloud house.
All she could really feel was the unbearable agony from the fire of helpless anger burning her hollow, and try as she might, she couldn't outrun that.
Hours later, Rainbow Dash lay on her side on her bed. She wasn't asleep, but she wasn't doing anything, just staring at the wall blankly. The fire was out and cold and she felt dead inside.
The light outside the window was slowly going from the white of daylight to the yellow and orange of sunset, and she was dead inside.
There was just a numb cold nothing.
She couldn't even cry.
It was over. There was nothing left but helplessness. She finally just gave herself to that.
She barely even noticed at first when there was a tapping knock at the door. It was brief, and it was soft, echoing into her bedroom faintly through the house. Then there was silence for a little while. Maybe they'd gone away. That'd probably be best. A long moment passed in silence. Yes. She was alone again, and it was better that way.
Then there were more knocks, a bit harder and more insistent, then more silence, waiting for an answer. Why would anypony be here? She didn't understand. Why did they have to be bothering her? She just hoped that further inaction would cause the problem to disappear, because there wasn't a lot of motivation to move right now. She wasn't sure she was even capable of it, in this state.
Anyway, it was getting late, nearly sunset. Ponies were supposed to be heading home now, not showing up at each other's houses.
It was quiet now. Good, they were gone.
Another round of knocking sounded from the door. They weren't gone.
Maybe she'd have to answer it after all. Somepony seemed pretty determined to get some attention.
Why, though? She'd ruined everything, there was nothing left to do. Laying here was easier, why couldn't they just let her do that?
Go away. Just. Go. Away.
But even as she thought it, she was already moving, sliding off the bed and pushing herself up onto her hooves. The irritation at their persistence was the first real feeling that penetrated through her numbness, and somehow that was enough to ennervate her to be able to act again.
She stood still at the side of her bed for a long moment, up but not moving. More knocking gave her another spur.
"Alright, alright," she sighed, her voice a low sad sounding whisper. She hung her head and dragged her hooves, but finally started for the door.
She walked out of her room, through the house, and reached the door. Her wings drooped, her mane hung in her face. A few more knocks almost made her cringe. Whatever they wanted, they were insistent. She didn't know if she could deal with them, but there didn't seem to be an easier way to avoid it, so she gave in. She opened the door, slowly. Orange-yellow light from the low sun outside spilled in, giving the house some warm illumination. She hadn't realized how dark it had been before then.
That same light gave a shining glow to the features of the pony who stood just outside the doorway. Rainbow Dash wasn't surprised to see that it was Twilight Sparkle. They looked blankly at each other for a fleetingly brief moment.
"I'm sorry," Twilight Sparkle spoke quickly. "Please don't shut the door. I just want to say I'm sorry."
Rainbow Dash didn't move or respond, she just kept standing there. Twilight Sparkle did the same. She seemed stiff and uncomfortable, and her face was sad. Moments passed in silence.
Finally Rainbow Dash moved a little, stepping to the side to clear the doorway. "Come on in," she mumbled towards the floor, nodding just slightly to Twilight.
"Alright," Twilight said quietly in response. "Thanks," she took a few uncertain steps into the cloud house and stood near Rainbow Dash.
She left the door open, and the two of them were bathed in illumination from the rectangle of warm-colored sunlight coming through it from outside.
Twilight took a deep breath. "Obviously, things didn't go so well earlier," she said, "and I think a lot of that was because I didn't understand how you felt. But after I took a while to cool off and think about it, I realized that it must be different for you. I should have been listening. I'm sorry."
Rainbow Dash didn't know what to say. Her mind still felt like it was weighed down. She fought through cobwebs to find something.
"It's okay," she finally managed.
"Can you forgive me?" Twilight asked in a small voice.
What... Forgive her? That seemed wrong to Rainbow Dash. Her brain started moving again at the contradiction. It seemed like the opposite of what was supposed to be happening here. She remembered it being herself, not Twilight, who'd been doing the yelling and screaming. She remembered being the one lashing out in helpless rage and pain.
She remembered being the one who couldn't hold inside what everypony needed her to, and now she knew that she was the one who was wrong for trying to do that when it was all a lie.
"It's not your fault," Rainbow Dash said. "I should have told you before now, and exploding like that wasn't the right way to do it." She shook her head sadly. "I didn't mean to, it just... Happened. I've been so stressed out. All I've wanted to do since I got home is to not think about the war anymore, and the idea of a parade like that... It just felt it was dragging me right back into it, you know? I couldn't. I didn't know how to deal with it."
"I didn't mean for it to make you so upset," Twilight said gently, very softly putting a forehoof on Rainbow Dash's shoulder. "I didn't realize."
"I should have explained it," Rainbow Dash said, "but it's just... It's hard to talk about. I feel like I'm not supposed to talk about some things because I have to be the strong one. But it's not true, Twilight. I'm just a pony, and I'm weak and I'm scared but I can't let that show. I couldn't tell anypony."
"You can tell me," Twilight said softly.
"I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be some statue of a hero because it's not true, but I don't know what else to do," Rainbow Dash's voice quivered.
She struggled to hold her composure together, but it was going to break apart and she could feel herself unable to stop it. It was embarrassing and she tried to hide it. She couldn't conceal the hitches in her shaky breathing or the water building in her eyes. Finally one teardrop broke over and fell down her cheek. Still, though, she didn't make any noise.
Twilight could tell what was happening. "It's alright," she said simply, and stroked Rainbow Dash's mane, trying to comfort her.
"I don't think I can do this," Rainbow Dash said. She shook her head and cleared her throat. "I need... Some kind of way, to figure something out, because this... This just isn't working. Sometimes I wonder if I should have even come back."
"Why would you think that?" Twilight asked, with some alarm carrying in her voice, though it was still quiet.
"I don't know if life here is working out anymore, like it used to," Rainbow Dash said. "The last three years made me different. I'm trying to get it back, like it was before I left. I just... I can't do it. It's been more than a month and I just keep getting worse. It just keeps getting harder the more I try."
Twilight gently put her foreleg around Rainbow Dash's shoulders and pulled her a bit closer. "Do you want to talk about what's going on?" Concern filled her voice.
"It won't... It's supposed to be over, and it just won't get out of my head. I keep seeing it. I keep thinking about it," Rainbow Dash shook her head. She sniffed down tears and swallowed heavily. "I just wanted to come home and I feel like I can't because I'm different now and that all came home with me where it's not supposed to be. I mean, Ponyville is supposed to be a safe place, but most nights I lay awake and I can't stop myself from thinking about what happened out there. I'm just laying there in bed and I'm all anxious and shaky for no reason. When I can get exhausted enough to finally fall asleep I have nightmares. I wake up as tired as when I went to bed. Everything reminds me. I don't want it to but I can't help it. I can't deal with this anymore." She stared at the floor.
Both of them were quiet for a long moment. The air felt heavy.
"I feel like I lost who I was," Rainbow Dash said. She lifted her head and the two ponies looked each other in the eyes. "Twilight... Every day I was out there I felt like I was dying," Rainbow Dash said in a steady, serious voice, "and in some ways I still am. I'm not sure how much of me is really left."
Twilight Sparkle was left without anything to say. She just held her friend tighter, momentarily, and nuzzled her on the cheek.
"I'm scared, Twilight," Rainbow Dash looked down at the floor again. "What if this never gets any better? What am I supposed to do?"
"It won't be like that. We'll find help for you," Twilight said. "Whatever you need. I promise."
"Where?" Rainbow Dash asked. "'Cause I don't really know where to go."
"I..." Twilight thought for a long moment. "I guess we could start at the hospital," she finally said. "They'll know what to do. I don't think you'd need to be admitted and stay there but it's probably the fastest place to get you in to see a doctor so you can get an outpatient referral to a therapist or somepony who deals with this kind of thing. Then we'll see where it goes from there. Alright?"
There it was. There was the solution it was becoming continually more clear was needed, finally spoken out loud. Somepony finally said it.
It was such a relief to hear.
She wouldn't have been able to say it herself. She hadn't even thought it, not in a conscious way, because she wouldn't let herself. It was like a dark cloud she couldn't control, or even fly near. But now... Now that somepony else said it, it was okay. Now she could do it. That cowardice of needing to be taken by the hoof and led there stung her with shame.
But there was only one thing to do.
"Okay. Yeah," Rainbow Dash nodded. "I guess you're right. That's probably best."
"I'll go with you, if you want," Twilight offered softly. "You shouldn't have to be alone."
"Okay," Rainbow Dash replied quietly with a slight nod.
The two of them were quiet for a little while.
"Do you want to go now?" Twilight asked at last.
Rainbow Dash thought for a second. The sooner they started, the better. "I can't really see there being any better time," she shrugged.
The two of them walked out of the house and onto the cloud Rainbow Dash's home was built on. She shut the door behind them. The sun was almost at the horizon, the colors growing ever warmer, more toward the oranges and reds. In these last few minutes they painted the cloud house and bathed the two ponies in brilliant glowing like an ocean of tinted light.
Rainbow Dash walked to the edge of the cloud, towards that sun, while Twilight followed. They sat down together side by side.
"Celestia's making this a good one," Rainbow Dash commented, with a little bit of a smile.
"She's had a lot of practice," Twilight said, smiling back and nodding. "But even she's not perfect," her smile faded a bit. "And it's okay that she's not."
Rainbow Dash said nothing. She looked out into the sky, and studied a few puffy clouds low in the distance, near the horizon, that shone brightly in rose and orange hues and the way that the sun's final beams emanated through the air around them, contrasting the shadows they cast.
She watched them for a few minutes, while the sun almost imperceptibly crept lower, until it was finally just barely hitting the edge of where sky meets land.
"You know, the ponies around here are always going to think you're a hero," Twilight said. "No matter what. You don't have to hide or pretend anything. Don't be afraid to talk to us."
"If I'm a hero... Then why don't I feel like one?" Rainbow Dash asked slowly, staring off into the sunset. "'Cause all I feel is dirty... And guilty... And angry... Heroes aren't supposed to regret like this. Heroes aren't supposed to think that it'd be easier if they were the ones who'd died instead."
"I guess it doesn't work that way in real life," Twilight said, sadly, staring with Rainbow Dash. "I'm sorry, Rainbow Dash... I'm so sorry."
The two of them embraced and held each other for another minute or so, there in the dying light. Twilight finally broke away, and nuzzled the side of Rainbow Dash's head. "C'mon. You're gonna be alright," she said reassuringly, and the two of them took flight for the town below.
The End
"He would rage and he would cry, my lost soldier. And I said to him, 'There are two of you, don't you see? One that kills and one that loves.' And he said to me, 'I don't know whether I am an animal or a god.' But you are both."
- Roxanne Sarrault, "Apocalypse Now"
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Winston · 36k words · 80 3 · 1.3k views
- Winston · 1.2k words · 42 1 · 950 views
- FromTheMoon · 93k words · 46 6 · 1.4k views
- PiercingZen · 3.5k words · 85 11 · 3.5k views
- Leoshi · 5.2k words · 17 1 · 747 views
- Winston · 109k words · 105 3 · 1.2k views
- eLLen · 13k words · 51 0 · 1.5k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.103 seconds
Total duration
1,020 users online
1,497,029 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This was just so amazing I cried through this and I could understand why this would have been the hardest for you to write but thank you for sharing this touching work of art, it brought a couple of things into perspective for me so anyways thank you this was an awesome experience
And ... there we are, posted to my Top Favorites where it belongs.
4119735 Thank you. I'm honored to have a spot among your top favorites and I'm glad you liked the story. :)
Amazing work. Absolutely amazing.
Thank you for sharing this story with us.
I think I finally understand what war really means - of course, I knew how dark it is, you can't really grow up in Germany without learning a lot about the past World Wars, but because we talked about them in History-class makes the concept of war feel so distant. Like it's long over.
I sometimes forget that there are still wars in this world, and people who suffer for that reason.
So thank you for giving me this.
It is the most real-feeling thing I have ever read.
And I'd say I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through all this, but I doubt that that would really change anything for you.
But just maybe, it will help you to know that I and, most likely, everyone else who read this shared your tears.
I will think of you.
4208304 Sorry to take so long in responding to your comment, but thank you for letting me know how this story moved you. Your comments mean a lot to me.
Oh, god, I shouldn't have read this and Arad's Broken back to back. Too much feelsy PTSD!
You truly have my respect for writing this the way you did. I applaud you for cutting away the bullshit to show the true face of war. I take my hat off to you wdeleon.
I've finally finished reading all three of the stories in this series. They're all very well written, and I think you did a good job of conveying just what it's like to go to war. Even though I've never had to do it myself, and hopefully never will, I feel like I have at least a little better understanding of what it's like, and more respect for those who do. I don't think it's the same for every person, due to different personalities and experiences, but I think you gave a good impression of what it's like for some people. Honestly, I'd never really thought about it before. I was like those ponies who looked up at the statue and didn't really understand. I knew it was hard for some people, but I didn't really understand why. Thank you for writing these stories and sharing a bit of your perspective.
This story really put things into perspective for me; you often hear news stories about soldiers coming home traumatized and suffering from PTSD, but rarely do you hear about their experiences described in such vivid detail and raw emotion, as was done in this story. This is a really powerful story, and one that I'm thankful for you taking the time to share it with us. Thank you!
I really enjoyed this story. I was never in the military myself, but my father was, and Born in Equestria helped me to see things through his eyes. For this, I thank you.
I don't really have words. I could say I'm sorry, but that's hollow to my own ears. I could say thank you for sharing this with us, but that would essentially be thanking you for doing the things you hate. I could tell you the same happened to my cousin who was in the military, but that doesn't help. What I will say is that I think this is perhaps the most honest story I have ever read. I saw all of this in my cousin when he came back from service, and this really shows me how I was going about reassuring him all wrong. It looks like I owe him (and you, and every other soldier who served) an apology for ever trying to glorify war. The only thing I can offer in return is a smile, a favourite and a wish that you can one day forget.
5635676 Yep. I really wanted to get deeper than that facade, because underneath that layer of outer shell, I think there's a lot of hints that she has a very sensitive and sometimes insecure personality underneath. I see it as a very important part of her maturing process to open up more honestly about this and ask others for help when it's needed.
You can has review!
6263110 Thanks!
THIS WAS EPIC !!!!! Rainbow went through some real shit, and came back, but she wasn't the same. We teach our children about good and bad, and the we send them off into the world with the ability to kill in so many ways. Their sense of right and wrong is taken away from them, turned into shades of grey. Some have been on the front lines, with only survival instincts to keep them alive. They live on adrenaline, until they are exhausted. When they return, they are not the same innocents, we sent off into the world. They are changed, by a harsh reality. How can you come back to a civilian existence, knowing the things you've had to do ? Some cant. PTSD is REAL. Some will never be the same.
I'm gonna download an epub of this fic, so I can re-read it time and time again, even if fimfiction.net crashes and burns out. The emotions and the reality of this fic, coupled with that bittersweet ending, makes me never want to forget it.
I'm also gonna save that last authors note, 'coz man, that's some deep stuff that really ties this whole fic together.
This was so incredibly well written, and the emotion behind it so visceral and real. With that authors note at the end I can also see why. I'm actually in the Army myself, and I can't help but wonder if that time should come when I have to do the unthinkable, how will I change, what will be taken from me inside? It's there in the back of my mind, but for now I brush it off until such a time should come, though hopefully it never does.
I should have left a comment on this long ago, as it's so incredibly well-written. For the longest time now, it's been not only one of my favorite Rainbow Dash fanfics, but one of my favorite fanfics, full stop.
I can't speak for any other branches of the military, but in the Army, when we take our annual suicide prevention face-to-face training, the motto is ACE: Ask, Care, Escort. What I love about the resolution to this story is how perfectly Twilight lives up to that little pneumonic. She asks Rainbow what's wrong, she cares enough to support her, and she escorts her to the hospital to find someone to help her. One can only imagine how much further into darkness Rainbow would have fallen if she hadn't had that somepony to help her; if she ever would have been able to find her way back to the light.
I'm not uniformed, and I've never seen combat. I can't imagine what it would be like to be the one pulling the trigger. I don't know how much it would weigh on me; how much guilt it would cause. I hope I'll never have to find out.
Even then, I've had my share of close calls... Over here in Afghanistan, rocket attacks are a near daily occurrence. It's a paralyzing feeling when the siren goes off, and the voice comes over the loudspeaker, "Incoming! Incoming! Incoming!" ...Knowing something that could erase you from the face of existence is hurtling at you. Counting the seconds until the C-RAM goes off, waiting to find out if you're alive or dead at the end of it.
Just a few weeks ago, December 11th, six o'clock in the morning, the Taliban blew a massive vehicle bomb at the perimeter wall, literally about 1,000 feet away from where I was lying in my bed. The explosion was louder than anything I can possibly describe; the shockwave so powerful, it shattered almost every window in a half-mile radius; the rain of rocks and debris against the roof went on... and on... and on. Later, I would walk up on a part of the rear axle from the truck that blew up; a massive, hulking piece of metal. It had sailed through the air like a javelin, probably at hundreds of miles an hour. Gone through the roof of someone's shack, sliced through an interior wall, and embedded itself in floor.
What if instead of falling there, it had come down right above my bed? Well then, I wouldn't be here typing this now—I would be dead.
Grabbing our body armor, feet pounding against the wooden slats as we ran to the nearest hardened structure. Hunkering down there in the darkness, listening to smoke detectors shriek their disapproval. The generators were blowing up in the distance. The electricity had been cut. The sound of small arms fire echoing off the T-walls, so close, it almost seemed to be coming from next door. Who was shooting? Was it us? Was it them? Were they on the base? How close were they? We were unarmed, we didn't have any weapons. What if they came? What would we do?
Now, the giant voice, announcing, "Ground attack! Ground attack! Perimeter breach in sector such-and-such...!" Shining a flashlight in the darkness to read the map, to try to figure out how far away the danger was. The sickening dread when we realized how close to it we actually were.
The sound of gunfire, so loud, so terrifying, it seemed to come from right outside the front door. The order was given: "Evacuate." We moved as one towards the back door. But now, the sound of gunfire from the rear of the building. We stopped in our tracks and looked as each other uneasily. No one knew quite what to do.
Last time I was in Afghanistan, I was here for four months. I came away mostly unscathed. When I went home, I wasn't too much affected. There was only one experience I had that even began to approach post-traumatic stress. This time, I wonder if I'll be as lucky.
Even as I sit here typing this, I hear the announcement come over the loudspeaker—"Outgoing! Outgoing! Outgoing! I say again, outgoing!" A minute later, the sound of a distant explosion as one of our bombs hits the mountainside. We're shooting at them again. And again. And again. And again. It's gone on for fifteen minutes now. Before long, they'll be shooting back. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow... But they will shoot back.
I've never had the experience of serving on the nuclear submarine with my finger on the button, or being the infantryman with the enemy in his sights, or the gunner in the Apache manning the turret. I'm one of the lucky ones. Still, I've seen and experienced enough to say, without one shred of hesitation—War sucks. It fucking sucks.