• Member Since 19th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen March 14th

RainbowShyBrony


E

A married Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash must go on a long and tretcherous journey through the Everfree Forest to cross a new mile-stone in their relationship.

This is my first FimFiction so I thought that I'd start with a "BOOM!" So, I will accept any and all criticism... Okay. MOST critisism. So enjoy.

Cover art by: FlutterPal

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 33 )

are Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash married yet in this story

3471133 No. They get married later. You just have to hang in there.

Pretty good so far!

(also: I think there's a word missing from this line “I just wanted you to know that... I-I stand to be away from you, Fluttershy!")

Nice work!

Well the only bad things I can say is that, well aye this is too short for me and of course the confession came too quick, it sort of makes it less meaningful knowing that love confession was so easy. Sort of makes me wonder why they had trouble admitting their feelings in the first place.

Okay something good, something good. You seem to be organised with the story when you said there's more chapters already written. That at least shows there's more to come. I think the prologue with Luna seems to have given this sort of an interesting feature. So maybe this will involve something a bit more challenging or intriguing for the couple.

So far the story;s okay, and I'm only sticking around because, well you know Futterdash n all. Hope your future chapters will impress me :twilightsmile:

3471302 Oh. Well you know. Only human. I'll just go fix it real quick.

3471304 Yeah, I know. I was having trouble figuring how to do that. I never really had any experience with that so I couldn't go using my background knowledge/experiences. After a while I sort of gave up saying "I could have done better." But you know, stuff happens. Thank you though.

You know... It ain't bad! I useually don't go for the fics in the newest section. But I dunno. Something about it just told me to give this one a try. I'm pretty glad I did. The prologue wasn't to great but the actuall chapter was way better written.

However there were a few spelling and grammar mistakes that I didn't even have to look for to spot. Concider getting a friend or someone else on the site to proof read for you. If you can't find anyone just send me a message and ill be more then happy to help you out.

I just started writing my own first fic too. It's always refreshing to read someone else's first works while doing that.

-have a nice day!

Imagine how awkward that would be...finding out all your friends liked girls and had secret relationships with eachother:rainbowhuh:

Comment posted by ShadowStorm7 deleted Nov 14th, 2013

3480508

I'm a guy, so I can. :rainbowlaugh: Just kidding! Just Kidding! But awkward was what I was going for.

Okay, first off... Nice premise. The idea comes across and I like it. However, that confession was so fast I nearly missed it. Personaly if its gonna be so fast, I would have just gone for them already being together. You even missed out details of them snuggling…which I normally go overboard with. If you've read stories of mine like Fall of the Rising (pretty sure you've read that one..) and Pie for Two they might help give an idea on building things up before the critical confession happens. When build up slowly and with conflict there is more reward.

…now… Onto your writing.

Mixing tenses can drive people up the wall… or in the very lest make me correct you in my mind before I continue reading.
Example: 'She opens the door to see Rainbow Dash standing behind it, a small smile plastered to her face.' It might just be me, but this sentence makes a nice example as you started in present tense and then move to past tense at the end of it.
I would have put something like; 'She opened the door and immediately spotted the mare who stood outside, impatiently waiting. A small smile crossed Rainbow Dash's face. The sight made Fluttershy's heart beat faster and butterflies attacked her tummy.

I might have gone overboard there, but feels are good :pinkiehappy: if you're going for cute and cuddly you need details there or the impact is much less. Also, if you keep it in the same tense it will help things flow smoother.

.... well that escliated very fast. It was also very funny :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
poor Pinkie is left out. :pinkiegasp:

Rainbow Dash was holding Fluttershy in a wing hug when all of a sudden, she stops in her tracks, having Fluttershy stop as well.

How about… 'Rainbow Dash held Fluttershy in a winged hug when all of a sudden, she stopped in her tracks and caused Fluttershy stop as well.'


'However, that same pony then proceeded to open up a pair of wings and wobbly fly over some houses which reviled  that she was heading toward the Ponyville library. 'Twilight?' Rainbow thought as she then realized who she was chasing.'

Lol wut… okay. It does make sense but you could maybe rethink the whole wobbly fly part and take out the extra space between 'reviled' and 'that'


'Meanwhile at Carousel Boutique, Fluttershy was beginning to knock on the door'
How about simply
'Meanwhile at Carousel Boutique, Fluttershy knocked on the front door.'

Rather nice story so far. Its been worth the read.

'The two pegasi walked into the library and the purple alicorn'

'The purple alicorn returned'

… Two paragraphs in a row without using her name? How about swapping out the purple alicorn part on one of them. It feels odd reding the same description twice so quickly.

Oh! And RaimbowShy! Can I plan your bachelorette party... -s?" Pinkie Pie rambled out.

…uh.. you mean RainbowShy? just like the second time you used it?

Just a few things I spotted :pinkiehappy:

3521328

Damn it! I can't believe I missed that! I spent an entire week looking for all of the present tenses and changing them to pass tense. Yeah, looks like I'm gonna be doing some revising and editing. Thank you though. I appreciate it.

3521367

Yeah. I couldn't think of a good ship for Pinkie at the time... still can't. But thank you. I'll be sure to revise it more... slowly. Thanks again.

Good read, easy, but good, don't have to spend eternity thinking about it. It is nice to see, some of the things I read are just mind=blown. Also you got like all my favourite ships, so its satisfying, the type of satisfying when you choose a random flavour of ice cream and its your favourite. So ya you are doing good so far, a couple things here and there that have already been mentioned in previous comments. Just keep on keeping on, can not wait to see next couple of chapters. Have a good one! (I went on a tangent about ice cream! That has never happened to me before)

There you go everybody! I fixed Chapter 1! Now, if you don't mind, it's 12:19 and I'd like to get some sleep. Good night everypony!

3521453 You're most welcome :pinkiehappy:
...and now onto reading the next chapter thats just come out.

Good chapter. It had some nice feels and I have no idea where you are going with it (with is something I don’t get out of every story). However, the wedding part I had a couple of small issues with (as I work in the wedding industry, I have witnessed heaps of weddings and know how they go in detail. You'll see what I mean when I finish my Flutterdash wedding story.)


Onto fixes:

'For Fluttershy she had a peaceful dinner with a couple of friends and for Rainbow Dash, she had a huge extravaganza with tons of people'
:rainbowlaugh: don’t you mean ponies?

'And she also brought a few private dancers for the lucky mare'. - Wait… what? :pinkiegasp: with no details one way or the other, this just stood out to me as rather dodgy (the act of having private dancers for someone who is geting married) and not something I am yet to have heard of as a part for any wedding I've been a part of.


'Rarity couldn't help but let out a gasp and raised a hoof to her mouth as she realized what was happening.
Applejack continued as she dropped onto one of her knees, "Rarity, love? Would you do me the honor of marrying me?" She asked in her Manehattan accent, which she hadn't used in years.'

You know… that is actually a really mean thing to do, stealing the thunder from the people getting married. One wedding someone announced they were pregnant and so many of the folk who were there for the wedding contgratulated them (as you would expect) but it brought problems for the bride and groom as the spotlight was no longer on them for the whole of their special day. Pulling out such suprises is not something recommended even if its done so early in the day. Yes it fits, and its sweet and rather cute how AJ and Rarity interact there. However in this case it seems to mean that AJ and Rarity then get no one other than Fluttershy responding all day to their new change in status which seems a little unfair to them.

‘A while later, Rainbow Dash was standing at the alter, eagerly awaiting the arrival of her bride. When the last of the bride's mates’ - Brides maids maybe?


‘As Fluttershy maker her way to Rainbow Dash, the Cutie Mark Crusaders bounce:duck: in front of her dropping rose petals onto the white carpet of the isle.’
First thing, tense. bounced not bounce. Also, would they still be the CMC? Of have they grown up a bit and finally got their cutie marks? When I red this, I imagined them still as little blank flanked fillies.

‘Fluttershy walked until she was beside her handsomely dressed bride who :rainbowderp: only took her eyes off of her when she blinked’
Remove the rainbow Dash and one of the spaces and it will be sweet.

‘She proceeded with the rest of the ceremony.
A few minutes later.’
-Feels like your cheating there… it works as a timeskip though I guess.

‘Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy sped toward each other, nearly crashing before entering the loving embrace which unified them together forever.’
:rainbowlaugh: Nice description. However, how far away were they? Normally couples stand holding hands when doing that part of the ceremony or they stand only a foot or two away from each other within easy reach of each other.


‘With Rainbow Dash being an extreme athlete and Fluttershy knowing who knows what in her "bag o' tricks". Using their wings to their advantage, they were able to pull off dance move which were sought out as impossible to the most professional dancers. But with the elegance of Fluttershy and the awesomeness of Rainbow Dash, they made it possible.’
-Makes me want to have seen the dance instead of just being told about it happening. :fluttercry: cause it sounds like a really cool first dance.

‘parents AS a couple to personally invite them to the wedding’
-feels like I’m begin shouted at there when I hit the AS. I get that they visited as a couple even if you simply write ‘as’


‘”So what:pinkiehappy: she your marefriend or something? I must say, you've got an eye for the cute ones." He said jokingly.’
‘”So what, she your marefriend’ add a comma and it should sound better, I think :pinkiehappy:
Rainbows dad… ever with an eye for the fillies.. :scootangel:

‘Dash remained looking at the ground and answered, "Let's just say, I didn't have :rainbowdetermined2:he best mom ever." She paused to take a deep breath and lifted her head before continuing. "Alright. Let's get this over with." She then stepped forward, raised her hoof and knocked the door.’
Replace with a ’t’ and you should be sweet :)


‘Rainbow then shyly grabs:trollestia: Fluttershy's hoof and blushed. "Yeah. They're not far away.”’
Tense…?


And then I red that you are going to revise these chpaters and I wonder... was it worth me taking the time to point out the mistakes? :rainbowhuh:
ah well... I hope you at least find my semi-picky comment helpful. When you go to chapter 6, do you want to message me the chapter first so I can give it a once over and check for mistakes instead of making a huge comment on here?

3528537

:fluttercry: ... Please?

I'm just gonna lay it out in the order you have it.

1) :facehoof: What can I say? Uh... Oops? :twilightblush:

2) I was referring to Rainbow Dash's bachelorette party.

3) :fluttercry: I-I didn't think of that...

4) :facehoof:

5) That was my intention. I didn't intend on making any of the older.

6) K.

7) My senior-itis kicked in?

8) I'm just gonna simply say that they were each a step away from each other. I might just have that changed.

9) So did I honestly but with pony anatomy, pegasus wings and the fact that it would have been a custom dance it was very difficult coming up with a dance routine for them. But I would have loved to see it as well.

10) :twilightblush: Ahhehe... Oops.

11) Oh! Cool! Thanks!

12) How many times am I gonna say 'Oops'?

13) Ahh, yeah. Working on that. (Did you have to use the moles--- I-I mean, Celestia face?)

14) Oh, you bet it does! And I can't thank you enough to do so.

3521367

poor pinkie is left out. :pinkiegasp:

I might just change that.

:yay: Yay! All the chapters are edited and posted! Time to work on Chapter 5 for saturday... hopefully.:scootangel: Enjoy everypony!!!:pinkiehappy:

Saw the ending and I just laughed my ass off.Best reference to The Tortoise and The Hare EVER.:pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy:

I was wondering where the fountain came from when I read this then I saw it again in chap 5......Whatever happened to the brothers?:raritystarry:

3593233

Why thank you! I apreciate the complement.

3593274

You shall see soon enough. Muahaha. Muahahahahahaaa!!! Hahaha. Haha. Haa.

You.Ya you.I got an army that'll help you out whenever you need em.24/7.And by 'You' I mean Rainbowshy only.Sorry to everyone else who wanted a backup army.Anyhow have fun R.S:pinkiesmile:

3857105

Thank you but funny thing happened recently. :twilightblush: I kinda got over what was bumming me out. But still thank you. It's nice to know that someone... a lot of someones have my back. I'm gonna get back to work on writing chapter 6... I'm just gonna wait 'till the school day ends.

Blaze daydreams and drools as he thinks about pies...

Is he Homer Simpson by any chance? :D

(sees new chapter)

Mane 6:Welcome back!:ajsmug::pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss::fluttershyouch::twilightsmile::raritywink:

Fluttershy was at a lose of words for her experience

loss.
other than that, twas great!

Comment posted by ShadowStorm7 deleted Jan 30th, 2016
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