Parallax squinted as he tried to make out the contents of the alarmingly long checklist that the mare was poring over. Earlier that day, he’d been pleasantly surprised that she’d been willing to meet at such a late hour, but now the darkness was making reading somewhat difficult. Concentrating, he sent a spark of magical energy to the tip of his horn, illuminating the list for them both.
“Ah, that’s much better!” Cheerilee said, giving him a brief smile. “Thank you!” Licking the tip of her quill, she began mumbling again. “Bandages? Check. Iodine? Check. Three weeks iron rations? Check.”
Parallax scanned the document. Written in print too small for him to make out clearly, it seemed to contain hundreds of items, the first ten of which had marks next to them. He checked his watch, grimacing. Ten-thirty! he thought. We need to get moving!
“Small inflatable raft? Check. Insect repellent? Check.”
“Ah, I don’t want to seem pushy,” Parallax said quietly, adjusting his glasses to sit more squarely on his muzzle, “but the comet's viewing window is only about two hours.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” Cheerilee said, beaming. “Honestly, I’m tickled pink that you wanted to bring me to the observatory, but I just need to make sure I have a few necessary items.” Burying her nose in the list again, she muttered a few more times, occasionally rummaging around in the large cart she’d pulled with her. “Bolt cutters? Check. Breath mints? Check. Flare gun?” Cheerilee gasped, throwing items left and right as she dug through the cart.
“Well, but—” Parallax began, checking his watch again.
“Did you happen to bring a flare gun with you?!” Cheerilee said, her head erupting suddenly from beneath the piles of supplies.
“Why would I bring a flare gun?” Parallax said, tilting his head to one side.
“Oh, that’s just great!” Cheerilee answered, pounding her hoof onto the side of the cart. “Now I’ve got to go all the way back home!” Pulling herself free, she leapt out of the cart. “Would you mind watching this for me?” she asked, dusting herself off. “It’ll take a lot longer if I have to pull it all the way.”
“Look, I apologize if I’m being rude or obtuse, but why in the world do you need a flare gun so desperately?” Parallax said. “Or, any of this, really?” he added, poking his head over the cart’s sidewall.
“Look, you just don’t know when you’re going to need a flare gun,” Cheerilee said. “Trust me on this one. It’s a necessity.”
“But we’re just going into the observatory,” Parallax said, dropping his eyes and twisting his hooves nervously around one another. He’d been trying to work up the courage to ask Ponyville’s attractive schoolteacher out for months, and events weren’t exactly going as planned. Worse, he couldn’t quite figure out what was happening and he was afraid that he was missing something obvious. “I-I can assure you that it’s perfectly safe in there.”
“Oh, that’s what you think!” Cheerilee said, advancing on him with wild-eyes. “Yeah, that’s how it starts out, but then the telescope somehow explodes, or the stallion ends up not having a telescope in there at all! Instead, the place is stuffed with marmots that he wants you to groom with him for whatever reason!” Cheerilee put her hooves to her face, pulling down the area under her bulging eyes. “Anything at all could happen once I go in there, and for once, I’m going to be ready!”
Parallax blinked, and still at a loss for a polite response, he blinked again. “But... you can’t even fire a flare gun in there,” he finally said, backing away a few steps as she let her skin snap back into place. “There’s not nearly enough room. Besides, nopony would see it except us.”
“Hmmm, maybe you’re right…” Cheerilee said, putting a hoof to her chin. “Okay, we’ll just skip that one.” Picking up her list again, she drew a line through ‘flare gun’ and moved on. “Galoshes? Check. Shovel? Check.”
What to do, what to do? he thought, biting his lip. Without a doubt, this was the biggest opportunity of his dating life. Or, at least, he’d thought it would be. Everypony at the observatory thought Cheerilee was the hottest mare outside of the completely unobtainable Rarity and Twilight Sparkle. They’d all entertained the fantasy of dating the librarian, but after they’d found out that she spent half of her time with royalty, they’d all gone out for several stiff shots and moved on. By all accounts, Cheerilee was pleasant, funny, and smart. It also didn’t hurt that she was gorgeous.
Parallax had nearly fainted trying to work up the nerve to approach her, and he’d been shocked when she’d enthusiastically agreed to meet him for a star-watching date. He’d spent the entire day floating on cloud nine, while his colleagues alternated between high-hoofing him and complaining in mock irritation about his luck. But now that she’d arrived, he’d found her to be… distracted. I-I think she might be unwell, he thought as she aggressively checked off another few boxes.
“Thermite? Check. Multi-tool? Check”
Parallax cleared his throat. “Are you feeling okay, because—” he asked.
“Look, don’t get patronizing with me!” Cheerilee snapped, shooting him an annoyed glance. “I know how this looks, but you don’t know what it’s like! If you did, you’d be the one here with a list!” She leapt back into the cart, digging until she found a nautical map. “I was lost at sea for two weeks!” she cried, waving the map above her head. “I had to live off of bits of floating kelp, and I’m not going through that again!” She locked eyes with him, daring him to utter another word of protest. “I’ve battled blood-thirsty ducks and climbed out of volcanoes! I’ve been dragged through cakes and manure! I’ve watched a butterfly gang stallion-nap somepony for who knows what reason! So, yes, you bet your buttons I’m going into this thing prepared!”
Parallax sweated, finally dropping his gaze. Pulling out a small cloth, he plucked his glasses from his nose and busied himself with cleaning them. As Cheerilee disappeared back into the carts, he quietly opened the observatory door and stepped inside, lifting and lowering each hoof slowly so as to attract as little attention as possible. I must have the worst dating luck in all of Equestria, he thought sadly as he locked the door behind him.
Ha! Nice one. 'From the other side of the equation' is the phrase that came to mind.
3671918 Yeah, I felt like she needed to go on a terrible date that was terrible because of her.
3671130 I feel like if she said that, she'd have to apologize to the mule.
Ah theres the paranoia. it can only go up from here.
Dafuq is this?
Are you really gonna try to make 1000 chapters? If yes, then oh boy, I better get my reading glasses
3672008 My plan is to keep writing these until either I'm tired of it or everyone is sick of them. I'm doubtful about making it to one thousand, but I might hand it off to other people, and let them continue it.
3671993 This is going to require therapy on the level that Equestria has never seen before.
Pffffftttt.
Wow.
That last one left some scars...
~Skeeter The Lurker
3672109 I think they've all left their scars! Especially those razor-billed ducks!
The embodiment of fear and suffering in the galaxy. *whistles*
Cheerilee sure knows how to pick 'em.
3672378 What the hell is that thing from? It looks kinda like a yochlol or something out of a Lovecraft story.
I'm NEVER going 2 tire of these!
3672460 I had to look it up too. I knew I had heard the name somewhere (although I also know what it means mathematically, and that pun is bad and you should feel bad), but it turns out it's the main villain from Green Lantern. Who knew?
3672562 There is NO SUCH THING as a bad pun!
3672558 Well, that's good, 'cause we have nine hundred eighty-five of them left!
3672359 I felt like she needed screw some of these up for herself at some point. Paranoia seemed like the most logical thing.
3672651 I like to think that the worse a pun is, the more enjoyable it is. You're talking to a Pikmin player here. Masochism is par for the course.
Cheerilee, I know your paranoia is justified, but you can't deny that this right here is a self-fulfilling prophesy. You have no excuse for this one.
Cheerilee, I know that you can never be too prepared, but fate favors the bold. Funny how that works innit?
Wait, Cheerilee is the third most desirable single mare in Ponyville?
She spends the better part of every weekday making sure the foals of Ponyville don't wreck the town... AGAIN. Factor in her dating life and there's no way she's not let herself go a bit by now from stress eating.
Only if this date is a dream too.
If Burt Gummer had a pony equivalent, who'd be crazier?
3673961 If I make it to one thousand, I'm totally taking you up on that.
In reality, I'm really going to shoot for two hundred. That the max number of chapters you can have. If I get to that, I'll be proud of myself. However, I'm going to run into the wall of reader anger at some point. The stories will spiral out into the ridiculous and I'll have put poor Cheerilee through absolute hell. What was once funny will end up looking cruel. I'm not sure when that will happen, but I'll be forced to stop then.
3674005 I will absolutely take that offer. Keep in mind that I'm trying to have a guest author every ten chapters, though. So fifteen of those won't be me.
Mostly, though, I'll just be happy if you are enjoying the story. That's my only real goal.
You almost had that one Cheerilee, but maybe next time you could save that stuff for when you're going to be leaving Ponyville for annything more then a day.
3673075
3673163 Hey, doubting Thomases! Cheerilee is one hot piece of tail to a group of nerdy astronomy ponies! She's intellectual, caring and pretty, and she teaching little fillies and colts all day, so she's used to dealing with less than perfected social skills. She's the ultimate nerd bait!
3673362 Oh, this looks like a TV question, and I don't have TV. I'll have to leave it up to others to answer that.
I was actually going to suggest something similar to this one (not that you seem to need help at all), literally based on my own experience. My date threw a ton of "you're nice but let's see if you are easily scared off" truths at me. I told her later that I totally missed the chance to say "check please!" to the waiter...
Excellent, funny, and well-written shorts!
3674307
Burt Gummer is a character from the Tremors series of movies. He's a paranoid, crazy prepared survivalist.
I’ve watched a butterfly gang stallion-nap somepony for who knows what reason!
I remeber that one!
I must have the worst dating luck in all of Equestria, he thought sadly as he locked the door behind him.
Poor Cheerielee, destroing her own date!
3676677 Good thing Cheerilee has thermite to deal with that darned locked door...
3679608
Yeh, good thing!
3679608 Ooh, good point! That dude might get his date after all!
3679697 I sense a "YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME!" moment in his future, though.
"Honestly, doctor. I didn't know he had a bad heart."
"Don't worry too much. He'll make a full recovery provided he stays away from salt, sugar, and stressful situations such as dates with schoolteachers."
"Very funny, doctor. Hm. Are you married?"
3672780 Cut her some slack! She's still suffering from various kelp toxins!
3672902 Fate doesn't favor Cheerilee at all, no matter what she does!
3674227 What? But danger could be anywhere!
3675273 Thanks! It's great that you're enjoying this, because I have a GREAT time writing them!
3679826
Cheerilee: Doctor, I think you need a prescription of 1000 milligrams of smokin' hot schoolteacher, stat!
Doctor: Uh, that's hasn't been cleared by the EDA. I'll… have to see more clinical trials.
Cheerilee: Sigh. Why does it always got to be the hard way with you stallions? ::charges taser::
Poor Cheerilee! She's finally gone crazy and who can blame her?
3688668 Oh, I don't know about crazy. She's just prepared. Really, really, really prepared...
3689001
Well then, maybe at the number 1000 she will finally be prepared for the love of her life:
Screwball (or maybe just maybe )
Oh Parallax, you have no idea.
to be ready*
Very well written.
Reversal of expectations really is the root of comedy.
Oh, YOU think YOU have the worst dating luck in all of Equestria? Get behind Cheerilee!
4348499 I say this guy gets third. Second goes to Caramel.
Wait a minute, if this date is supposed to take place well before Hearts and Hooves Day in season two, then how can Twilight be a princess already? Time paradox!
5479119 You sir deserve an award.
Hey, finally got to one where Cheerilee ruined the date.
Man, I'm so behind and still have a lot of catching up to do.