Date Thirty - Smother (Guest Chapter by Eakin)
Guest chapter written by Eakin
Cheerilee twisted her fork to wrap up a few alfredo-covered noodles without much enthusiasm. Outwardly she plastered a friendly smile on her face, one she’d honed over far too many evenings like this one.
Well, not exactly like this one.
“Compliment your date, Poochie-kins,” said the elderly earth pony mare who’d unexpectedly been waiting at their table when the two arrived.
Poochie-kins, as if the given name of Popper didn’t stand out enough already, gritted his teeth. “I was about to, Mom. You really don’t have to—”
“Oh, nonsense. And don’t get snippy with me, young colt.”
Popper sighed. “Sorry, Mom. You look very nice tonight, Cheerilee.”
“Thank you, Popper,” replied Cheerilee. She meant it, too. When the usually shy stallion had come up to her in the market and asked her to dinner, she’d been genuinely happy to accept. He was cute, if a bit quiet. She’d wondered at the time why a more assertive mare hadn’t snapped him up already.
She didn’t wonder that anymore.
“I’m so sorry about my little Poochie-kins, Cheerilee. He’s a bit too much of a wimp for his own good.”
I wonder why, thought Cheerilee, her smile growing a bit more strained. “So, Popper, why don’t you tell me a little more about your special talent.” A steam engine for a cutie mark could mean all manner of things. Cheerilee had passed the time earlier that night wondering what it would be like to be whisked away on an adventure to some far off corner of Equestria, travelling the world by rail and discovering who-knows-what in the exotic lands beyond the nation’s borders. But those fantasies were increasingly intruded upon by an unwelcome second travel companion in her mind.
“Oh, you don’t want to hear about that,” said Popper’s mother before he could answer. “He builds model trains, in fact they’ve positively taken over my basement. Really, I don’t know how you can stand to spend so much time down there instead of going out and doing something meaningful with your life.” She turned to Cheerilee as the pink burning on Popper’s cheeks turned a deeper shade of scarlet beneath his azure coat. “Don’t worry though, once he focuses on something he’s really very capable. So how many foals did you say you wanted? Was it three or four?”
“I hadn’t mentioned that at all, actually,” said Cheerilee. Because I’m not insane she pointedly didn’t add, if only because she had to admit to herself that she wasn’t entirely sure that was even a true statement at this point. A mare could only take so much.
“Well, I’m sure that Maple will be just beautiful. That was my grandmother’s sister’s name. You wouldn’t mind using a name that’s run in my family for generations, would you? Of course you wouldn’t. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to start a big family? Why, I was three, no, at least five years younger than you when I got pregnant with Poochie-kins here. He’s been my entire world ever since.”
“Oh, I can believe it.” Cheerilee took a sip from her water glass so she wouldn’t have to suppress her smirk.
“Mother, I am begging you. Please let me and Cheerilee enjoy our dinner together. By ourselves,” pleaded the unicorn. Cheerilee added a silent prayer of her own to much the same effect.
“Nonsense, sweetie,” said Popper’s mother as the spark of hope in Cheerilee’s chest was ruthlessly smothered into nothingness. “You’d just babble on about your toy trains. No mare wants to hear about that.”
Sensing an opportunity to throw the poor stallion a lifeline, Cheerilee spoke up. “Actually, I used to put together model planes myself,” she said. A lie, but an innocent one that the other mare wouldn’t be able to call her out on unless she’d gone around asking about her to all her old friends and roommates. Which come to think of it wasn’t entirely outside of the realm of possibility.
That was a mistake. The other mare’s eyes lit up when she said that, and she threw an elbow into her son’s barrel in what she probably imagined was a subtle fashion. Popper nearly choked on his ravioli. When the coughing fit passed, Popper wiped the sauce from his mouth and looked up at Cheerilee. “Maybe I could show you my setup some time.”
“You really should.” Popper winced as his mother spoke up again. “They’re back at our home, down in his room. Along with his bed.” Cheerilee had never imagined another pony could blush this hard. “Don’t worry, from up in my room I can barely hear anything that goes on down there. Ooh, I’m so excited! Just think, by this time next year I could be foalsitting a newborn while you two are out celebrating the anniversary of your first date together!”
“That is IT!” bellowed Popper, slamming a hoof onto the table and standing up from his seat. Cheerilee sank down deeper into hers as all other conversation in the restaurant ceased. “I can’t take this anymore, Mom! I’m trying to have a nice dinner with a very pretty mare who I’ve had a crush on for the last few weeks, and you are ruining it!”
“Poochie-kins!” hissed his mother, “don’t throw a tantrum. You’re making a scene!”
“My name is Popper! I’m not a foal and it’s time you stopped treating me like one.” His mother was too stunned to respond as Popper turned to Cheerilee, who was doing her very best invisible pony impression but to no avail. “Cheerilee, I apologize to you on my and my mother’s behalf for the way this dinner has gone. Please believe that I had no idea she was going to be joining us. If you want to leave and never speak to me again, I certainly wouldn’t blame you.” He took a breath, and gulped. “On the other hoof, if you might see fit to give me a second chance I’d like to take you somewhere else, just the two of us. Anywhere you’d like.” He turned his head and glared across the table. “And my mother will not be coming with us.” She stuttered and stammered under the withering look, but said nothing.
“I...” Cheerilee thought for a moment, then looked from the proffered hoof up to the face of the pony offering it. He was earnestly smiling even through his anxiety as he waited for her answer. “...I would like that.”
Cheerilee took Popper’s hoof and let him help her up. She tried to ignore the way his mother was glaring daggers at her as she gathered up her things as quickly as she could and followed Popper out of the restaurant. As they stepped out of the stifling air of the dining room and into the cool, tranquil night, Popper threw back his head and laughed. “Wow!” he said, a wide grin spreading across his face, “I have wanted to do that for years!”
Cheerilee had to chuckle a bit as they walked down the street together. It didn’t escape her notice that there was a spring in his step and he strode a great deal more confidently than on their walk over from her place. “I’ll bet you have. Was she always like that?”
“You know, she beat me down so much that I’m only just now realizing just how bad it was. Well, it’s over. I’m moving out of that basement first thing tomorrow. It’s long overdue. Got a spare bedroom in your house?”
Cheerilee laughed, but the laughter died in her throat when she looked at him and saw him looking right back at her with a thoughtful look on his face, expecting an actual answer. “...What?”
“I don’t need a lot of space. Just a table to set up my models and a place to sleep. Do you cook?”
Cheerilee barely heard the question over the sound of the alarm bells clanging away in her head. “Sometimes, but—”
“My mother has the best eggplant parmesan recipe, it’s my favorite. I’ll ask her to give it to you so you can learn it. And I’ll show you how I like my clothes folded when they come out of the washing machine, and... Cheerilee? Cheerilee, slow down.” He picked up his pace as he began to fall further and further behind Cheerilee. She looked back and saw that he’d sped up to try to keep up with her. Abandoning all pretense, she broke into a full-on gallop and tore down the street away from Popper. The last thing she heard carried along by the wind was a keening wail and a single word.
“MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
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Well, only one thing to say after a chapter like this.
You know, Popper might've been a keeper if he didn't insist on moving in with Cheerilee. He seemed like a nice guy; he just had an overbearing mother.
Speaking of which, yeesh. If Applejack was made privy to this date, she'd probably cringe. Not just from her memories of being overbearing to Apple Bloom, but from the fact that I don't think even AJ would go this far.
Oh my God!!! I wish I could go to Equestria.....I just know I could give Cheerilee a good date! That poor, sweet mare! I just ache for all she's been through!!
4130424
Shakes angry fist! You stole my idea!
4130478 Oh, you might think that, but then breezies would fly up your nose, or a very localized sinkhole would open up under your dinner table. There are no good dates when it comes to Cheerilee.
4130488
What about Tuesday the 3rd of Neighvember last year?
4130562 ::Checks::
Nope, that was the day she dropped her cranberry smoothie on her day planner. That date is a total mess.
4130566 IT WAS A SCREWBALL COMEDY! Sheesh, you people! Just because Soft Focus like revealing eveningwear, everypony likes to start rumors...
4130562
Ooooh.
Yeah, that... That was... Well, maybe you didn't see what happened with the cricket bat...
4130478 You DO NOT want to do that.
If you haven't noticed, the prospective beaus who aren't crazy tend to have very bad things happen to them.
4130731
*crickets*
Darn you, crickets and your bat rodeo! Why have you got to ruin Cheerilee's date? Dontcha know that bats eat crickets? Kinda dangerous, but it seems like a self-solving problem, honestly. I guess having bats chasing Cheerilee around while dropping parts of crickets in her mane would be kinda icky.
4130714
I don't know. I would have thought that that date would have gone over rather smoothie.
Edit: Grammar/terminology.
Man, I really thought she had it that time.
One day...
What Popper's Mum and Popper failed to mention is that their surname is Bates and they own a motel on the outskirts of Ponyville...
Better stay clear of the shower curtains Cheerilee!
If I had any interest in dating (a mare), I'd pick Cheerilee just to become a statistic, and to see just how horribly it'll go for me. I'll be honest, I've always wanted crutches and a neckbrace.
Love this story. I might want to do another guest chapter at some point. This chapter was hilarious. I admit that even after 30 dates, when things start to go well I get hopeful.
Then I realize how foolish I've been.
4130470 Popper would not be a good match. He was still, essentially, a kid, and wanted Cheerilee to be his mother-with-benefits.
Well, it's official. Les Nesman has been ponified. I just hope Herb Tarlick isn't far behind.
Oh my!
poor Cheerielee thoughts she finally founded her one true match, but we can't allowed it, because we know Einhander have an other chapter coming tomorrow!
I really think that Cheerilee should see Twilight. Attracting this number of weird stallions can't be natural (Even Caramel is weird in his bad luck). There's got to be some kind of spell or strange influence on her. Has Discord been hanging around town recently, looking for somepony to troll?
4131546
4130470 You're both kind of right. Popper essentially needed to say what he said to his mother about ten or so years ago. She essentially made him into what he is, by the look of it, but he has become so dependent upon her that he doesn't know how to live any other way. Such is the way with helicopter parents.
4131659 Oh my god! Oh my god! Is… is that a WKRP in Cincinnati reference that just popped up on my story?! Epic!
Cheerilee could've had it good with that one...too bad.
Oh, poor
WolowitzPopper...Eakin you're an evil bugger sometimes.
True blue momma's boy that is.
~Skeeter The Lurker
4132283 She should date discord.
Wow.
I was about to commend Popper with a mustache. Too bad his badassery was short-lived.
Wait, I just realized both of Eakin's stories so far have to do with parents... Eakin?
Just stick with Caramel, Cheerilee.
Oh, poor guy, that does not bring the romance! It does remind me of a Twilight Tries chapter where she attempts speed-dating and, yes, one poor fellow does bring his mom.
This one almost made it! He was really a sweetheart with poor luck, but yes, living with your mother and treating your partner like your housekeeper really is a deal-breaker. (Perhaps he'd have better luck with a terrible apartment before asking to move in with Cheerilee.)
I found this story this morning and have spent much of the day binge-reading it between classes; shout-out to Bell Curve, Caramel, and Gilda as contestants, who were sweet, but just had unfortunate circumstances. (Ah, and the unemployed stallion!! R.I.P)