Whirlwind wiped his eyes, trying to maintain his composure their laughter escalated. “A-and then… the bull charged back into the room…” The stallion leaned over the table, afraid to look up at Cheerilee. He was going to lose it if he did anything but stare into his plate. “…but this time, he had the chaps stuck on his horns!”
Cheerilee burst out laughing, cupping her hoof beneath her nose as she accidentally snorted out a bit of her wine. “He did not!”
Whirlwind nodded. His face was beet-red as he gasped for air. “I swear to Celestia he did!”
The teacher collapsed over her plate of braised switchgrass, howling. “How?” was all that she could manage before the giggles set back in.
“We don’t know! We could never figure it out!” The stallion tried to pour himself a little more wine, but his hooves where shaking so badly that he missed the glass entirely. For a moment, they both stared at the spreading puddle in shock before looking back at one another. As their eyes met again, all restraint was lost again.
Cheerilee pressed her hoof into her aching side, trying to massage out the stitch that had set in there. “No… more! Please! I can’t… breathe!”
“You should have seen that…” Whirlwind’s voice tapered off as he squinted at the window behind the mare. “Just a moment,” he said, rising and closing the rich, velvet curtains in his dining room.
“What’s the matter?” Cheerilee asked, glancing over her shoulder as the stallion pulled the next set of drapes shut with a flourish.
Whirlwind rolled his eyes before smiling ruefully. “Oh, just some unpleasantness outside. I’d thought that it might happen tonight. It’s never a good scene.”
Cheerilee craned her neck, attempted to see past the stallion as he fussed with the curtain’s ties. “What is it? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain it all in a moment, but first…” Whirlwind winked at her, a small smile creeping across his face. “… I have a surprise for you. I really think you’re going to like it!”
Cheerilee’s brow furrowed as she looked between the curtain and Whirlwind. “Not tonight!” she said, rising from her chair. “I’m tired of this happening!”
Whirlwind frowned, blinking a few times as he tried to catch up. “Pardon? I’m sorry, but I’m not following.”
Cheerilee pulled at the ties, wrenching the curtains open. “Never mind. I wouldn't be able to explain it anyway. Whatever this is, though, I’m going to send it—what in Equestria?!”
Several dozen stern policeponies stood in a loose ring around the house. As the curtains opened, one stepped forward and began barking into a megaphone.
“We know you’re in there, Whirlwind! Come out with your hooves up!”
“Whirlwind, what is—oof!” Cheerilee crashed onto the hardwood floor as the coils of rope cinched tightly around her legs.
“Surprise!” Whirlwind said with a grin.
Cheerilee wiggled furiously on the floor. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
“Well, I had the feeling that they might be coming today.” Whirlwind gave the rope a final yank and began tying an intricate knot. “They’ve been watching Ponyville’s exits for days. No way in or out.” Picking the teacher up, he deposited her back in her chair. “Honestly, I’d thought that I was done for, but then I met you at Sugarcube Corner! You seemed like such a sweet mare, and I thought maybe we could get to know each other a little better. You know, some dinner? Maybe a tense hostage situation? A, forgive me, whirlwind escape from the law… perhaps in a stolen hot air balloon? That sort of thing.”
Cheerilee thrashed, rocking her chair back and forth as she struggled to free herself. “You invited me over just to be a potential hostage?!”
Whirlwind shook his head, staring at the floor for a minute as he collected himself. “You know, that’s pretty hurtful,” he said, frowning. “I’m just trying to make a connection here. Wasn’t dinner nice? I thought you were having a really good time.”
“I was!” Cheerilee yelled, baring her teeth at the stallion as he crossed his legs tightly across his chest and looked away. “Right up until the part where you tied me up to use as a equine shield!”
“Last chance! Don’t make us come in and get you!”
Whirlwind held up a hoof. “Excuse me for a moment.” Hopping off of his chair again, he trotted to the window. The stallion gave Cheerilee a wink as he ducked low and cracked the window open. “I’d really like us to move past this, but I just need to take care of these officers first. Just hang tight.” Trying to stay below the window, the stallion stretched his hoof out, dragging Cheerilee’s chair into view. “Don’t get any funny ideas!” he bellowed. “I've got a hostage here and she won’t make it out alive if I see any of you guys move one inch toward this house!”
Glancing outside, Cheerilee could see several of the worried officers huddling together. “Get in here and help me!” she screamed at them.
“Cheerilee, please don’t be like that,” Whirlwind said with a sigh. “I don’t want to have to gag you. Let’s just try to have a good time with the rest of our night. There’s no reason this needs to change things between us.”
Cheerilee glared at her date. “Have you totally lost your mind?”
“Look, is this about the ‘doing you in if they approach’ thing?” he asked, trotting into the kitchen. “That’s just hostage talk. I don’t really want to kill you.”
“Oh, that’s very reassuring,” Cheerilee called after him. After straining against the ropes a few more times, she finally gave up. “I almost can’t wait for our next date. I can see it now! You: Fleeing from the law! Diving into bushes and sneaking onto railcars to escape over the border. Me: Hooves tied, stumbling, starving, but madly in love as I’m whisked away on a terror-filled adventure! What more could a mare ask for?”
“Oh, thank Celestia!” Whirlwind replied, trotting back into the dining room with a large butcher’s knife. “I was so afraid that you’d take this all the wrong way, but—”
“I am, you dolt!”
“Oh,” Whirlwind said, hanging his head. “You know, you could be a little more understanding. I’m doing my best here. Do you need anything, by the way?” He grinned, holding up a hoof before she could answer. “I know, I know. Freedom!” He rolled his eyes. “Anything besides that. Water? Backrub?”
Both ponies squinted as the room was suddenly filled with blindingly bright light. “We’re sending for a negotiator,” the officer called out from around a large spotlight. “Don’t do anything rash!”
Whirlwind held out the knife for the officers to see, waving it threateningly close to Cheerilee’s neck. “Don’t push me! I swear I’ll do it if I see one of you get anywhere near this house!” Leaning over, Whirlwind whispered into Cheerilee’s ear. “Not that I want to. You seem like a really great mare, and I think once we talk about this for a little while, we’ll be laughing about it just like we were earlier. We just need to get through this whole negotiation/escape thing first.”
Cheerilee sighed, shifting her position as best she could and wishing she could scratch the persistent itches that seemed to be plaguing her now. “And how long is that, usually?”
The stallion shrugged. “Eh, usually a few hours. Sometimes a couple of days. It really depends on the precinct.” Trotting to his chair, he brought it over and placed it nearby. Sitting again, he gave the teacher a hopeful smile. “But now we’ll have lots and lots of time to share with one another! You know, to really bond.”
Cheerilee leaned back in the chair. Staring up at the ceiling, she wondered what she’d ever done to make the universe hate her so much. “I can hardly wait,” she finally answered.
It's rather depressing that this is probably one of her better dates.
And then Cheerilee tipped the chair over and pinned Whirlwind until the police came and untied her. And afterward she vowed never to go on a private date with a stallion she just met.
Seriously though, what rotten luck to pick a criminal for a date.
Woo! Good chapter is good!
Also, Policeponies th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/022/d/1/mlp_ocs__equestrian_police_by_marineacu-d4n8cij.jpg
Can you continue this chapter I want to know what happens
3905642 Good ol' Sapphire Shores. Always there with something snappy to say.
3906769 The bar is very low at this point. Like, it's actually on the ground...
3906779 Who do you think Cheerilee is? The Black Widow?
Actually, by the end of this, she'll probably have a similar set of skills.
3906984
Well she could always ask one of the SWAT ponies for a date when then gas the place and smash down the door.
3906818 Yup, it was those guys! But, um, lots more. Definitely with the mustache, though.
3906970 Huh. No one's ever asked for a continuation of the chapter before. I'd have to think about what that would mean for the date.
Pfffttttt.
Why she still dates is a mystery...
~Skeeter The Lurker
3907067 She's just a victim of her own heart! It yearns for what it cannot have...
3906984
That's sort of an understatement, don't you think?
It's more like somepony is carrying the bar into an underground cave with the intent of throwing it into a deep, dark chasm.
A second date would be brilliant, if it is done right. Whirlwind seems a genuinely funny and laid back guy, if you ignore the whole hostage thing...
Just how desperate would she be... and how cautious would she get?
3907006 the other ones were better left as one shots
This could go somewhere good
I am telling you she's cursed. It's the only thing that makes sense.
3907006 I second the remark.
This deserves a Part Two, where Cheerilee attempts to ask out the hostage negotiator during the negotiations. Just saying.
"Oh, thank heavens you're here. Hey, you're not married, are you?"
"No, Ma'am. But I really came here to talk to--"
"Well, once this is over, would you like to go debrief me somewhere in -- NOT THAT WAY, YOU PERVERT!"
The moral of this particular date: Background checks are your best friend. And I'm betting Cheerilee is gonna conduct a lot more of those in the future.
This is, quite honestly, my favorite chapter of anything written ever.
3907343 I... have no idea what to do with a statement of that magnitude.
3907097
It's official, the bar is The One Bar, and whoever is associated with it will have their standards slowly lowered, eventually going so far that they won't function in society.
3907248 It could be a secret cabal of free-masons or something. You know, romance hating sects and all. Maybe sex hating sects? Something funny in there somewhere...
3907260 She needs a service to do this for her. Maybe the CMC could get on that. They could use a job.
3907258 Holy crap! That is some hilarious imagery!
3907391 Thanks, I took levels in Craft (Disturbing Mental Image).
3907811 Does that still get a +2 synergy bonus with Perform (Fanfiction)?
Edit: Just followed the link. Man, I love Order of the Stick. That comic has the longest run of consistently funny of anything I can think of.
3908578 Well, it would mess up my date-a-chapter thing, but I might go back into this chapter and add bonus content. Or maybe I'll just pull it out and make a full story out of it.
There's a huge explosion as the back wall caves in and about twenty Royal Guard ponies storm in led by The Mane Six. A few minutes later, a screaming Whirlwind is being dragged away.
"Cheerilee?"
"Yes, Twilight?"
"Stay. Single."
Huh.
......
Is it wrong that I really like Whirlwind? I mean, I don't think he actually -would- kill her.
If she just agreed to act as a hostage they could probably have had a decent date or two.
This chapter really is the best one yet.
If you ignore his flaws, Whirlwind seems like a pretty nice guy!
Oh, poor Cheerielee. Why don't you try your luck with Berry Punch? It can't be worse than this!
3910045
I can see it now:
To the police: "I will totally shoot this nag if you get any closer!"
To Cheerilee: "I'm just bluffing, baby, you know I love you. I'd never shoot you unless they made me, and even then it would probably be in the flank, but it would show them I'm serious. Don't worry, it only stings a little at first. I'll even give you something to bite down on..."
Idea for a future date:
3912572 There is absolutely no way I could ever finish this story and not have a Derpy/Ditzy chapter.
3912598 Nice.
And here I was thinking Whirlwind was going to turn out to be some sort of werepony/vampire fruit-bat who metamorphoses by the light of the moon...
(Next date maybe?)
Poor Whirlwind. Apparently dating services in Equestria do not include "Stockholm Syndrome susceptibility" amongst their list of compatibility metrics for prospective daters.
Read them all. You are so cruel to poor sweet Cheerilee ...
3927254 I know! I have serious problems!
My god, this is like Celestia going on dates, only with less immortals and more tamed chaos that can actually happen in this world...