• Published 15th Nov 2013
  • 8,198 Views, 2,784 Comments

Cheerilee's Thousand - xjuggernaughtx

Cheerilee goes on one thousand terrible dates.

  • ...

PreviousChapters Next
Date Three - Lowering the Bar

“… And so then I ran back to the forty, and I jumped up, I mean, way, way up over the head of the cornerback!” Gridiron said, leaning back in his chair and reaching high overhead. “And the ball was comin’ like it was Hearth’s Warming! I mean, it coulda had a bow on it, ya know?”

“Uh-huh,” Cheerilee sighed, picking at her salad.

“And it just falls right into my hooves!” he continued, “You shoulda seen the look on that cornerback’s face! It was like, uh…” Gridiron stopped for a moment, drumming his hoof on the table as he searched for the word. “Well, it looked kinda like—” Cheerilee sighed again as the stallion made a series of disgusting faces, grunting that each one didn’t feel right. When Gridiron screwed his face up so severely that he sneezed, Cheerilee leapt at the opening.

“You know, that reminds me of the time the foals in my class—” she said, forcing brightness into her voice.

“Yeah, hold on,” Gridiron cut in. “I wasn’t done. Anyway, so this cornerback’s there with this totally hilarious look on his face like I just took a dump on his mother, and since he’s right there, I made sure to ‘accidentally on-purpose’ catch him on the muzzle with my elbow on the way down, if you know what I mean!” Gridiron waggled his eyebrows as Cheerilee looked at her watch. “So he goes down, and the ref blows the whistle, and I’m just there, all innocent-like, tellin’ them that I can’t control where I land.”

“Uh-huh,” Cheerilee said, checking her watch again. Somehow, only five seconds had passed.

“Well, they reviewed the play, and you know refs. They’re all runnin’ around tellin’ each other that the other guy's wrong, and meanwhile, I’m just over there talking to this smokin’ hot cheerleader that the franchise just hired! Oh my god, you should see her!” Gridiron whistled shrilly, tracing the form of a voluptuous mare in the air with his hooves. Cheerilee felt the bit of salad that she’d managed to eat fight to rise from her stomach. “Anyway, they rule it in my favor, and we line up again—”

“You know, I hate to interrupt, but I’ve got to go powder my nose,” Cheerilee said, wincing as the other patrons stared at them. She’d been trying, unsuccessfully, to get Gridiron to lower his booming voice, but he’d been too caught up in his story to pay any attention.

“Oh, I don’t know if you wanna do that!” he said, bursting into a braying laugh. “This joint’s only got one can, and I kinda destroyed it when I went in there like twenty minutes ago.”

Cheerilee fondly remembered those few minutes alone, and was deeply regretting not making a run for it when she’d had the chance.

“You ever have one of those times in there where it feels like it’s gonna tear your flank in two?" Gridiron continued, picking a crouton off of her plate. Leaning back, he flicked the crouton into the air, catching it in his mouth. "It’s like a war. Just you and the turd, fighting it out to see who’s gonna win! It was like that, and, well, it was pretty unflushable. I just left it in there. It was kinda like art, anyway. Ponies are gonna see that and just bug out, ya know?” Gridiron rocked back in his chair and roared with laugher again. “I shoulda signed it or somethin’! Maybe I can get them to hang a plaque!”

Cheerilee desperately scanned the tavern as the Gridiron leaned his head back, nearly crimson from laughing so hard. She briefly caught the eye of the waiter, but after a momentary flash of pity, he put his head down and disappeared through a door into the kitchen. At the other end of the bar, she noticed that the bartender had moved as far away from them as possible and was busying himself with cleaning the already spotless highball glasses.

“You know, I think I’ll go get us some drinks!” Cheerilee said, rising quickly and trotting to the end of the bar before Gridiron could protest. The bartender eyed her warily as she approached.

“I need two of your most complicated, time-consuming drinks!” she whispered to him.

“Hey, grab me a beer, will you?” Gridiron shouted from the table.

“Ignore that,” she said, wincing. “I don’t care if you have to invent something, as long as it takes,” Cheerilee checked her watch again, “at least half an hour to make!” Cheerilee felt her heart drop as the bartender’s eyes slid to her right.

“Yeah, I figure we could just hang out here at the bar from now on anyway,” Gridiron said, pulling out a stool and dropping heavily onto it. “Gimme a beer,” he said absently to the bartender.

“Uh, what kind?” the bartender said, reaching for a pint glass. “We’ve got a pilsner from—”

“Do I look like some kinda stupid mare to you?” Gridiron snapped. “Find me a dopplebock! Light beer is for pansy-stallions!”

“Oh, I do think I have a keg of doppelbock way, way, way in the back, somewhere. It might take a little while to find,” the bartender said, pursing his lips as he disappeared into the kitchen. Cheerilee stared after him with undisguised envy.

“Good idea, babe!” Gridiron said, leaning to one side to aggressively scratch his flank. “I like it when a mare gets a few drinks in her! My dad had it right. He always said ‘fermented wheat puts the mares in heat!'” Gridiron exploded into laughter again, banging his hoof on the bar.

Okay, enough is enough! Cheerilee thought. I can’t stand this cretin any longer! Clearing her throat, Cheerilee began fixing her saddlebags into place. “You know, I’ve had… ah… quite a night, but I’ve got to get going! I’ve got to get up bright and early for the foals!”

“Hey!” Gridiron said, frowning. “You can’t just up and leave like this!”

“Oh, I’m afraid I can, and I will!” Cheerilee snapped, dropping all pretense of politeness. “I think we’re done here.”

“Well, you’re gonna settle up the bill, right?” Gridiron said as Cheerilee made for the exit. “I didn’t bring any bits with me. Hey, come back here!”

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
PreviousChapters Next
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!