Date Fifty-Three - Join the Horde!
Apple Bloom’s lip curled into a tiny snarl, and she pawed at the cobblestone street with her hoof. “Back off! Don’t y’all come no closer than that!”
A few yards away, Lily and Meadowsweet blinked several times before crossing to the other side of the road. They shot bewildered glances over their shoulders as they trotted away.
“That’s right! You just keep walkin’!” Apple Bloom bellowed after them, making sure to catch as many eyes as she could in the process. Ponyville’s market district was still full of last minute shoppers, and each one carried with them the potential for disaster.
Red-faced, Caramel’s lips twitched into what was probably an attempt at a rueful grin. When Cheerilee widened her eyes and took a careful step away, he turned the failed expression onto his cousin instead. “Applejack—”
“Yeah, I’m on it.” Applejack bit down on Apple Bloom’s tail and yanked her back a few steps. “Simmer down, sis. We’re just here to run interference, not scare ponies into next Tuesday.”
Caramel squeezed his eyes closed and sighed. “I already told you! We don’t need an escort! We’re perfectly—”
“Now, now, Caramel, don’t be like that,” Granny Smith said from somewhere behind them. Even at the agonizingly slow pace they’d adopted for her, she was constantly falling behind. What was normally a ten minute walk through Ponyville to the lake had taken nearly forty-five, and they were only halfway there. “Didn’t I hear you belly-achin’ half the day away yesterday about your lonely heart? If you’re so fixed on heatin’ things up with this here filly, then help from your kin’s the surest way.”
Cheerilee’s mouth curled up into the smallest of smirks. “‘Heating things up with this here filly’, huh?”
Caramel swallowed, his cheeks now flaming red. “Well… I-I didn’t exactly say it like—”
“Oh, don’t be so bashful, cuz!” Applejack winked at him, then bumped him hard with her hip. When he stumbled up against Cheerilee, Applejack pinned him in on the other side. “You’re always sayin’ that you ain’t got no experience with mares, so—”
“I didn’t say no experience!” Caramel shot back with a glare. “I said—”
Applejack raised her voice. “—so the family’s here to make sure things runs real smooth for the two of you tonight.”
Cheerilee jumped when Big Mac said “Eeyup” from somewhere off in the shadows. Applejack had sent him east to scout for potential danger when they’d crossed into town, and Cheerilee had completely forgotten he was around.
Caramel groaned. “This can’t be happening. It’s got to be a nightmare.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Cheerilee said quietly, elbowing Caramel in the ribs. “It’s kind of cute in a clingy, slightly crazy sort of way.”
“That’s right! You two get to talkin’!” Granny Smith trotted marginally faster in a vain attempt to catch up. Failing, she compensated for the distance by yelling at full volume. “Now, Caramel, try puttin’ your hoof ’round her shoulders, and if’n she’s inclined, maybe grab a little bit more if you can get it! Not too fast, though! You can’t put a bun in the oven ’til you heat it up nice and proper first!”
Cheerilee stiffened for a moment. “Okay, maybe less cute now.” They were just passing Berry Punch, who had been in the process of waving, but was now so overcome with giggles that she fell into a nearby bush. Cheerilee shot the bush a dirty glance as it roared with laughter.
“Aww, don’t mind Granny, you two. She’s from a different time.” Applejack rummaged in her pack for a moment, then pulled out a small basket. Thrusting the handle into Caramel’s mouth, she pulled several items out and held them up for Cheerilee to see. “I packed y’all some snacks, and this here’s a book Twilight sent along. Your Research Facility or Mine: Ninety-Nine Scientifically Evaluated Conversation Starters for Potential Couples.” She rolled her eyes. “That pony... Anyway, Caramel, I also got you some flowers for you to give to Cheerilee. Oh, guess I shoulda mentioned those earlier. Well, here. Better late than never, I guess.”
“Thanks…” Cheerilee said as Applejack dropped the bouquet into her hoof.
Digging further, Applejack pulled out a small bag from Carousel Boutique. “And here we got edible socks, you know, if things are lookin’ that way. Rarity’s tryin’ some new—”
“Why would anypony wanna eat socks?” Apple Bloom said. Her left eyebrow arched, she looked back and forth between her sister, Caramel and Cheerilee, all of whom seemed to find Ponyville’s architecture particularly interesting all of a sudden.
“Uh… Well, I’ll tell you later, Apple Bloom,” Applejack said after an uncomfortable silence. “Anyway, if y’all need anythin’—”
“What do they taste like? Can I try ’em?” Apple Bloom leapt for the bag, but her sister pulled it away. “C’mon!”
“No!” Applejack set a hoof against her sister’s forehead and pushed. Apple Bloom’s hooves scrambled across the cobblestones as she fought to advance. “Quit it! Ain’t you supposed to be clearin’ the way, little seed?”
“Oh yeah!” Whirling, the filly snatched up a stick and charged a stallion sitting on a nearby park bench. “Hey, you! What’re you tryin’ to pull sittin’ there like that?”
Applejack smiled while the wide-eyed stallion scrambled away. “Well, it ain’t exactly subtle, but I reckon it gets the job done.”
“Eeyup.” Big Mac bounded into the light for a moment and scanned the area with narrowed eyes before leaping into a dark alley on the other side of the street. Cheerilee winced when he apparently slammed headfirst into several trash cans. Two metal lids rolled into the road to twist in lazy circles before clattering to the ground, and an ill-tempered cat shot by, hissing back the way he’d come as he ran past them.
Caramel sighed again, this time much more heavily. “Sorry about this. I’ve been trying to talk them out of this all day. I, um… I finally just told them that they could walk us to the park, but they’d have to leave after that, so it’ll just be a little while—”
“That’s right! Caramel here’s been fussin’ somethin’ fierce since noon-time yesterday.” Granny Smith held a hoof up after them, and they stopped to let her catch up. Again. “In the end, he said he wished he’d never dropped by to talk, but that darned fool says the most darned foolish things sometimes.” She fixed him with a single beady eye. “A stallion gets a certain swagger when some mare’s got him hot to trot. In my day, we called it the Foal Stroll, and Caramel’s been strollin’ for months now.” She tipped the crimson-cheeked Caramel a wink. “Don’t you fret none, young’un. Your family approves of Miss Cheerilee, so we’re stickin’ to you like glue ’til the deed’s done!”
A small crease appeared between Cheerilee’s eyes, and she frowned over her shoulder. “Look, we’ve seen each other a few times, but Caramel and I aren’t quite—”
Applejack pushed her hat back from her eyes. “Granny, don’t you think you’re layin’ it on kinda thick? There’s plenty of time for that later. Tonight’s about romance, so let’s let the lovebirds fly a little.”
“Yes. Alone.” Caramel said through clenched teeth. “See? There’s the lake. We’re here safe and sound. You can all go home now.”
Applejack sat and crossed her hooves over her chest while squinting suspiciously out at the shimmering water. “Right, so about this lake thing. The family had a little talk this mornin’, and we’re not so sure it’s a good idea. Somepony might fall in the water and catch a cold, or… or maybe trip on somethin’ since it’s gettin’ pretty dark.” She leapt back to her hooves and leaned in with a grin. “So why don’t y’all come back to the farmhouse? We got loads of games, good food, better company,” Applejack waggled her eyebrows, “and hay to roll in, if you know what I mean…”
“I wanna roll in the hay!” Apple Bloom said.
“Uh… why don’t you just jump in the hay, sis?”
Apple Bloom squinted up at her sister. “Huh? What’s the difference? I mean, of course I’m gonna jump in it first, but then—”
Applejack threw a hoof over Apple Bloom’s mouth. “So what do y’all say?”
Cheerilee squeezed the bridge of her nose as the Apple family leaned in, their smiles wide and eager. “I... appreciate that you all apparently, uh, really care about Caramel’s love life, but we’d really just like a little privacy.”
Caramel nodded vigorously.
“Thought y’all might be like that,” Applejack said with a disappointed sigh. “All right, y’all, you heard ’em. We gotta form a perimeter. Nopony gets through.”
Big Mac trotted up, a banana peel and what appeared to be tomato sauce stuck in his mane. “Eeyup!”
The four apples each took two steps in a different cardinal direction, then turned right. Faces resolute, they marched in a circle around the pair.
Cheerilee set her hooves on her hips. “This isn’t privacy!”
“Don’t you fret none. We’re all kin here.” Granny Smith’s eyes traveled up and down Cheerilee. “Well, soon enough, anyway.”
Cheerilee started when Caramel cupped her ear with his hoof. “I think we’re going to have to run for it,” he whispered. “They’re, um, well… they’re pretty serious about family.”
“You’ll probably find this surprising, but I picked up that somehow.” Cheerilee’s eyes tracked the Apples as they marched by. “So what do you think? Different directions, then meet up at my place?”
Caramel nodded. “On three. One. Two. Thr—oof!”
As Caramel leapt, Big Mac’s unerring hoof swatted him out of the air. Across the circle, Applejack lassoed Cheerilee’s leg and yanked her back. The pair collided, falling into each other in a tangle of legs.
“Hoo-ey! Y’all act like we ain’t never herded before!” Applejack grinned while she looped her rope again. “Critters get this twitchy look about ’em when they’re thinkin’ about runnin’, and you two are twitchin’ like crazy.”
Caramel slapped a hoof over his face. “But—”
“No buts!” Granny Smith stomped a hoof. “Get to kissin’ so we can all go home!”
Caramel cleared his throat. “Okay, that’s—gmrf!”
Applejack grabbed Caramel’s cheeks and steered his head toward Cheerilee. “He’s kinda shy. You might have to make the first move. I’ll just hold him here for you.”
“Here, let me.” Cheerilee took Caramel’s face in her hooves and pulled him close. All around her, the Apple family’s eyes widened. Turning abruptly, Cheerilee squinted at Apple Bloom flank. “Hey, is that a cutie mark?”
Apple Bloom leapt into the air, spinning so quickly that twisted into a double flip. “What? Where? What is it?”
Cheerilee snatched up Caramel’s hoof and yanked him through the opening that the distracted filly had left. “Run!”
“Hey, y’all get back here and make out!” Applejack said, fumbling for her lasso. “Don’t make me hogtie you!”
“My... place?” Cheerilee said to Caramel between ragged gasps.
Sucking in huge gulps of air, Caramel could only nod.
“Then you… go… left.”
As Caramel broke away and disappeared off into the night, Cheerilee dove into a bush and curled into the tightest ball she could manage. Seconds later, Big Mac thundered by, his face set into a deep scowl. Cheerilee waited for his hooffalls to fade away before creeping out from cover.
Applejack casually stepped out from behind a tree, swinging her lasso in slow, lazy circles. “Goin’ somewhere?”
Cheerilee screamed and leapt into air, her mane bristling out in all directions. She hit the ground running, and just managed to duck the lasso’s noose when Applejack fired it out at her.
“Granny Smith and Apple Bloom already rounded up Caramel back up, so he’ll be back here in two shakes. You’re gonna love bein’ part of the Apple family, cousin! Can I call you ‘cousin’?” Lasso whirling overhead, Applejack surged after Cheerilee. “Don’t you want a foal or twelve? I can show you how to buck apples!”
Teeth bared, Cheerilee pulled back a stout branch of a nearby tree, then released it.
“You just wait and see! The Apple family’s the best—oof!”
Cheerilee fixed her eyes onto the warm glow of Ponyville and tried to remember everything that her old track coach had taught her. They say the Apple doesn’t fall fall from the tree, but hopefully that one will be laying nice and close for the next few minutes.
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And that is what we in the trade call a complete and utter lack of subtly. Seriously, I'm glad the Apples are so supportive of Caramel and Cheerilee, but do they have to be so blunt about it?
Well, you can't say they didn't try. Although as we all know, this will not be the last time Cheers gets mixed up with the Apples.
Well... technically... that date still could have ended well for all we know.
5802510 Are you doubting Granny Smith's Mary Sue-esque ability to run down Caramel and tie him firmly to a tree? 'Cause I could bonus chapter it if there is any question...
5802477 The Apples are just really honest about their intentions. Really, really honest. And pushy.
You don't just get one person when you get in a relationship, you get their whole family too. It's like a cult.
Sheesh, do the Apples do this to every family member that goes out on a date?
5802519 That isn't...
Actually, that might be fun to read.
5802590 I actually went back in and added a line of dialogue to cover that. THERE CAN BE NO PLOTHOLES IN MY SLAPDASH STORY, DAMMIT!
5802533 Now you know why Big Mac had no plans on Hearts and Hooves Day, don't you?
5802530 They are the Costco value pack of dating.
5802620
A veritable 4 for 1 sale. Think of the value.
And 947 chapters later...
Complete
5802617 I guess so. The shyness isn't the whole problem, or at least not the main problem.
5802674 Almost there!
Absolutely wonderful.
Poor, poor Caramel...
*Comic spoilers ahead*
And then the Apples ended up going after Cherry Blossom in the confusion. The resulting coupling is why she knows a wrestling move called the 'Spinning Appleoosa Roll.'
Braeburn is still recovering.
5802519 I don't believe she can do it. You're gonna have to prove it.
5804006 Luckily for Granny Smith and Apple Bloom, Caramel can always be counted on to make terrible personal choices. You just have to set up your net right in front of the patch of poison oak or something, and here he comes.
Thank you, sir, for reminding me both of this story's existence and of why I'm reading it. Simply glorious.
Wow...Caramel got some serious issues with his family....
Ha ha.... Fun chapter. Still backing Caramel on this journey, as it looks like there is a little chemistry between him and Cheers.
I don't know who to be worried for the next school day, Cheelilee or Apple Bloom.
Can I maybe write a chapter for this? I have some ideas.
5803138 Thanks! laughter-inducing misery is my goal.
5803521
Caramel's theme song:
5804254 I'm happy that you are still enjoying it. Real life got really busy for a while, but I'll probably be writing a lot more now that things have calmed down some.
5804951 I do need to do something with Twilight. I have actually written about her yet...
5804989 Seriously GREAT issues with his family. Man, I love writing about the Apples, especially when they are being nuts.
5805073 Cheerilee looks like that almost every day. She puts on a brave face for the foal in class, but besides that... grumpy.
5805894
Yay!~
5805312 He's not giving up easily, that's for sure. I find the interaction between Cheerilee and Caramel to be highly amusing, so I'm sure we will see lots more of him.
5805406 Probably Caramel, actually. Apple Bloom's bound to bring him for Show and Tell.
5805531 I'm in the process of figuring out if I want to continue with guest chapters or not. They actually turn out to be much more work for me than a normal chapter. I'll let you know if I decide to keep doing them.
5805900 XD
Somehow I'm not surprised...
[youtube=-olLynK-KWM]
Blunt innuendos are blunt:
5807172 Subtlety not really an Apple family trait.
5804254
5806368
I heartily concur!
5805900 The apples here are great. For some reason people seem to have trouble writing with the apple family but you do it quite well.
Also I was hoping there would be a caramel story again soon. I know it breaks the meta to hope they get together, since this is an extended flashback, but I can't help but root for them.
Moreover I love that you keep ending these chapters on such cute jokes. It really adds just the right finishing touch. Thank you for keeping this story going as it never fails to amuse.
5807746 I'm from the South, so the ways of the Apple family are close to my heart.
I do like to end on a little quip. Sometimes the mood is a little cruel in this story, so I like to lighten the mood a little at the end. Doesn't always work, but I try.
5807783 Just think of it as a vast field of terrible dates stretching out toward the horizon before you, beckoning you to keep reading.
Love seeing these updates!
Man, I would die for a oneshot of Granny Smith going out on the prowl through ponyville like this. Maybe give her that cane she had from the first discord episode; something about holding a blunt walking stick making her even more animated and agressive towards the young couples of ponyville...
5807427 Funny thing about that last thing AJ said: My great-great-granpappy had twenty-four children
our family reunions are rather hectic (I refer you to my only blog post)
I think this adds another shovelful of awkward to the day she meets Mac in the park.
5807821
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down a well and die."
I live in the south, and have some stereotypically Jewish family members including the overbearing Jewish mother. So I think I understand what you mean.
I hadn't read your more-applecentric works yet but will do so now that I've seen them in action.
Thank you again for continuing this hilarious work. It always picks me up.
Caramel chapters are the best chapters. :3
For the Apple Family, everything, even romance, is ultimately family business, to be carried out with the full support and close supervision of kin.
5808082 Well, you just never know what I might do. If'n I get a hankerin' for Granny Smith writin', I might just pursue that.
5808627 Yow! My family is very small. A reunion would be about ten people.
5809394 Something tells me that after all that will have been through at that point, she will likely be immune to awkward. She'd feel bad for Mac's awkwardness, but it wouldn't even be a blip on her personal radar.