Date Fifty-Five - Un-Appetizers
Stormy Skies lit a final candle, then shook the match out. “Well, what do you think? Pretty good, eh?”
Cheerilee turned in a slow circle, both to take in the office’s new decor and to give herself time to think of something to say that didn’t involve yelling. She was still at a loss when she’d completed her revolution, so she settled for clearing her throat and turning again, but counterclockwise, this time. Maybe there was something she’d missed.
Balance tugged at his collar. “I, Uh… I know it’s not exactly Ponyville’s classiest nightspot, but Stormy and I thought we could keep a closer eye on things here. You know, keep it in a controlled environment.”
“Plus, this was way cheaper,” Stormy said as he tossed the spent match into his wastepaper basket. “You would not believe what those restaurants charge for—ow!”
The desk standing between the partners and Cheerilee didn’t quite block the kick that Balance Sheet sent into Stormy’s leg from her view. “Like I was saying, we wanted to make sure you had the best date that we could provide, and where better than on our home turf?”
Cheerilee’s eyes flicked over to the wastepaper basket. Something was burning. “Stormy, maybe you shouldn’t—”
The three ponies jumped when something metallic crashed in the back room, followed by a bout of vigorously creative swearing. A thin haze of smoke crept out from under the door.
“Heh-heh!” Balance’s determinedly casual grin was somewhat spoiled by the twitching tic that his left eye had adopted. “Nothing to worry about. Say, Stormy?”
“Huh?” leaning back in his office chair, Stormy was just about to put his hooves up on the navy blue tablecloth that covered his office desk. Under Balances intense stare, his hooves froze, then slowly dropped back to the floor. “Um, I mean, what do you need?”
Balance trotted over, and with some insistence, pushed Stormy toward the back room. “Why don’t you go and check on dinner while I give our valued client the tour?”
“Me? I don’t know anything about—”
Balance kicked him in the shin again, much harder this time.
“OW! Okay! I’m going!” Limping, Stormy made his way to the storeroom’s door. A sooty cloud of smoke rolled out when he opened it, and the volume of swearing ratcheted up several decibels. “Sell, what are you doing back there?” he yelled into the opening.
Something containing quite a large number of expletives came back out at him.
Stormy rolled his eyes. “How hard is it to make frozen peas? Just put them in a pot with some water!”
The crash of a plate echoed out, followed by growling and clomping hoofbeats.
“Sell, get back here! You can’t quit again!” Stormy stuck his head into the smoke. “It’s against company policy now. No quitting! We wrote it into the charter!”
Balance shoved Stormy into the back room, then kicked the door closed. “Don’t worry. Just a minor hiccup.” Leaning on the door, he pointedly ignored the escalating fits of coughing from the other side. “Let’s get some air in here, shall we?”
Cheerilee sighed and propped the front door open with a heavy box of unpaid claims. “Look, I know you’re trying, but—”
“No, no, no!” Balance bounded over to her. For a moment, it seemed as though he’d take her hoof, but thought better of it. Instead, he clasped his hooves in the air between them. “I know this looks a little rough around the edges, but is it really that much different than a picnic?”
Cheerilee worked her tongue slowly along the back of her teeth, her eyes traveling around the room. At her hooves, a ragged line of red file folders formed a path from the front to door to Stormy’s desk. Several dozen candles of various sizes and themes blazed around her, stuck into anything that would hold them. In the corner, an ancient phonograph wheezed out something that vaguely resembled a waltz, only at about half of the correct tempo. Finally, her gaze settled back onto Balance, who shuffled nervously from hoof to hoof. She sighed again. He really did seem to be giving it his all.
Balance seized the moment. “I think you’re going to really like this! We’ve worked out what we think is going to be a dynamite meal, and we think you’ll hit it off with this guy. Stormy says he’s a real stallion’s stallion.”
Cheerilee arched an eyebrow. “Does he?”
“Oh, yeah! I’ve been working with him all afternoon! He’s really—”
“What do you mean, ‘working with him all afternoon’?”
“Err…” Balance paled and tugged on his collar again. “Um, you know, we just wanted him to, um, be ready to engage with you on a level that you’d appreciate.”
Cheerilee advanced on the stallion, her eyes now narrowed into dagger-like slits. “Why would he need coaching if—”
“Yo!”
Cheerilee froze. That voice. It can’t be. Ever so slowly, she turned toward the front door. In it, a hulking slab of stallion leaned against the jamb, scratching himself.
“No,” Cheerilee said, whirling on Balance. “No way!”
Panic briefly flashed across Balance’s face before he forced out another friendly grin. “Err… You two have met before. Well… Well, that’s nice, isn’t it?”
Gridiron squinted at her for a moment, then his eyes widened. “Hey, you’re that mare! You still owe me twenty bits! I had to wash dishes for three hours!”
“My heart breaks for you.” Cheerilee snatched her saddlebag up from the floor. “Sorry, Balance, but—”
“Nonononono!” Balance skidded to a stop in front of her, throwing his hooves out wide. “Just…” He took a deep breath. “Just give it a chance.”
A stern voice in Cheerilee’s head rattled of several convincing arguments why this absolutely could not happen. It had several strong bits of evidence, and spoke eloquently about past precedence. The voice was quite vigorous in its suggestion that leaving and doing something else with the rest of the night was really the only way to go.
It was overruled.
Before her, Balance’s hooves trembled, and his eyes were tearing. His ears drooped at just the right angle to wrench Cheerilee’s heart. “Please,” he whispered.
~~~
“I’m sorry, would you mind holding the stem?” Balance leaned slightly forward and held the box of wine just over the glass. “They’re a little unstable.”
Cheerilee rubbed the familiar ache between her eyes for a moment, then sighed and pressed down on the plastic party flute.
“Thanks.” He twisted the spigot open, and a pungent cascade of wine flowed into the glass.
“Wow. This smells… young,” Cheerilee said, her eyes watering.
“Stormy sent Sell out for the freshest wine that we could afford.”
Cheerilee took a delicate sniff, then whipped her head away. “Uh, yeah. It’s fresh all right. Couldn’t be more than a few days old.” She pushed the glass a little further away. We’ll just let that breathe for a bit.”
The plastic glassware and utensils rattled dully as Gridiron dropped his elbows onto the table. “Could I get a brewski?”
Balance glared at him.
“I, uh…” Gridiron swallowed hard, the lifted his glass and swirled the wine within. “I mean, what an interesting boutique.”
“Bouquet,” Balance growled.
“Yeah. That. Anyway—”
“Here are your menus.” Balance pushed one into Gridiron’s face. “Please make sure to read it thoroughly. I’ll be back in just a moment.”
Fighting to keep her eyes from drifting to the door, Cheerilee opened the menu. Or rather, flipped to the second page of the stapled papers she’d been handed. It read:
Tonight’s Offering:
Spinach penne with fresh marinara
Sauteed peas and carrots
Minestrone
And for dessert:
Champagne Spumoni
Well, at least the dinner sounds good. Cheerilee’s eyes flicked to the closed door in the back, now silent, and somehow all the more foreboding for it. Assuming we get that far.
“S-so, uh…” Gridiron stared at her for a moment. “What’s your name again?”
“It’s Cheerilee.” She tried to keep the irritating out of her voice, but found herself unconcerned that she’d failed.
“Right, right. Anyway...” He squinted at the menu. “What’s it like working with foals?”
Cheerilee blinked several times before recovering. “It’s… it’s nice. I really enjoy helping them grow into the ponies they really want to be. How’s the hoofball going?”
“Oh, babe! I never thought you’d ask!” Gridiron burped, then pounded his chest for a moment. “Sorry, gas. I ate all these barbequed barley stalks at the bar before I came over, and they don’t taste so good coming back up. I’ll probably blow the sheets right off the bed tonight, but it was two-for-one, you know? Anyway, the season’s going pretty good right now! We were practicing yesterday, and I just dropped the hammer on this stallion! Knocked the snot right outta his—”
“And I thought you two might enjoy something to keep you until your meal is ready!” Cheerilee jumped, nearly falling from her seat when Balance seemed to materialize from thin air. Dropping a small wicker basket onto the table, he picked up one of the golden breadsticks it contained and crammed it into Gridiron’s mouth. “It won’t be long now,” he said, glowering at Gridiron, “so I thought I’d pop in and make sure that everything is okay.”
Gridiron mumbled something from around his breadstick.
Without taking his eyes from Cheerilee, Balance cupped the top of Gridiron’s head with his hoof and steered him back to the menu. “Could I get you anything, Cheerilee?”
“Uh, no. I’m fine.” Cheerilee took a breadstick and nibbled on it. To her surprise, it was buttery, with just a hint of garlic. “Mmmm! Well, maybe a few more of these.”
“Excellent!” Balance clapped his hooves together. His smile was radiant. “I’ll just go grab a few more—” His eyes cut over to Gridiron, who shrank back in his seat “—while you two have a pleasant conversation.”
“Err…” Cheerilee turned her head to follow Balance as he briskly trotted into the back room. “What’s the story with you two?”
“Us?” Gridiron swallowed. “No story. I don’t even know the guy.”
Cheerilee gave him a flat stare. “Do you think I just fell off the turnip truck?
“Uh…”
“Here’s your breadsticks!” Balance leaned over the table, the extra wicker basket completely hiding Gridiron’s face. “I’ll just be a few steps away if you need anything. The meal will be out soon, so—”
“I know, I know!” Gridiron pushed the basket out of the way. “Talk about something nice.”
Cheerilee crossed her legs over her chest. “Balance…”
“Let me enhance the mood a bit.” Balance rummaged through a cabinet. “Ah. Here we go!” He set a large candle between them and lit it.
“Balance…”
“There. Isn’t that nice?” He tossed the spent match into the wastepaper basket.
Cheerilee rubbed her temple and pointed to the candle with the other. “Why does it say ‘You’re 3’?”
“Eh-heh!” Balance swallowed. “The candle shop’s selection was a little thin. Apparently Pinkie Pie bought them out a few days ago. Still, this is cheerful, don’t you think?”
“It’s got a clown on it!”
Gridiron yawned and stretched. “Aw, babe, clowns are funny. It’s—” Hooves still reaching for the ceiling, he paused, then sniffed each of his pits. “Okay, not me. Good. Something—”
Cheerilee’s nostrils flared. “Now that you mention it…”
An acrid odor filled through the room. Quailing, Balance ran for the back door. The hazy smoke creeping from beneath it had become a thick cloud. It billowed from the opening when Balance yanked open the door and dive inside.
“Uh…” Gridiron coughed while he perused the menu again. “So what do you like to do when you’re not teaching?” He spoke haltingly, squinting at the menu through the smoke.
“Not choke to death! Can you open the front door?”
“Me?” Gridiron dropped the menu to give her a slightly put-upon expression. “You’re closer.”
Cheerilee’s chair scraped across the floor as sprang to her hooves. “Fine. Whatever. I was on my way there anyway.” She trotted to the front door and pulled it open. Fresh air rolled in, and Cheerilee took a deep breath. It smelled like prudent decisions mixed with freedom. “Never a dull moment with you, Gridiron. Have a—”
“Nonononononono!” Balance erupted from the backroom, wheeling a cart at top speed. Several of the covered dishes slid alarmingly close to the cart’s edge before he threw a leg out to restrain them. “Dinner’s ready! You don’t want to miss that, would you?”
It was a mistake, but Cheerilee looked back over her shoulder. She meant to tell him that it had been a valiant attempt, but that the night was irrecoverable. It all died on her lips when she caught his sad, desperate eyes, though. Mentally berating herself for being such a fool, Cheerilee sighed and took her seat again. “Okay. Last chance, buster.”
Balance pulled at his sweat-soaked collar, then lifted the lids off of the trays. “R-Right. So, here we have—”
Cheerilee slammed her hooves down on the table. “Are you kidding me?”
Sitting on the trays were two scorched frozen dinners. Balance’s hoof trembled as he peeled back the foil covering. Inside, something that might once have been penne pasta sat, somehow both burned and still frozen. Beside the trays, a serving bowl of gelatinous peas and carrots lurked, apparently sautéed for so long that they’d become porridge. The minestrone was nowhere to be found. With a pained smile, Balance dressed each tray with a sprig of parsley.
Gridiron brought his menu up again. “So tell me what your life goals are?”
“Give me that!” Cheerilee snatched the menu from him. Pursing her lips, she scanned it, then rolled her eyes over to where Balance stood, trembling. “I supposed this is part of the coaching? ‘If you could be any kind of bird, what would it be?’ ‘What are the keys to happiness?’” She tossed the menu back down to the table with as much derision as she could load into the gesture.
“Hey, no need to be uptight.” Cheerilee jumped. She hadn’t noticed that Stormy had joined them again. Streaked with soot and sporting a badly tangled mane, he still gave her his most winning smile. “We just wanted to grease the wheels a little bit. You know, make sure conversation was stimulating and fun.”
Cheerilee’s eyes bulged when she threw a hoof out to where Gridiron sat. “And you picked this guy?”
“Hey! What’s wrong with me?” Gridiron’s brows descended like a storm cloud. “I got mares lining up around the block for a piece of this!”
Balance glowered at his partner. “I told you this wasn’t going to work, Stormy,”
Stormy shrugged at Cheerilee. “Eh, what’s it matter? A date’s a date, right? It’s just got to go well. Anyway, he’s Sell’s brother, and Sell wouldn’t come back to work unless we picked him. Says he’s tired of Gridiron hanging around the house all day drinking all the cider.”
“Well, how very nice for him that this lump is out of his mane for a while. Thanks for the dreadful evening, I’ll—”
“Please!” Balance dropped to his knees.
“C’mon!” Stormy said. “Don’t be like that.”
Gridiron took a deep breath, then belched.
“Stormy,” Cheerilee said, rising and retrieving her saddlebag.
Stormy’s ears perked up. “Yeah?”
“Your wastepaper basket is on fire.”
Balance snatched up the box of wine and threw it to Stormy, who was halfway there. He missed his partner by several feet, and the box broke against the far wall. With a small scream, Stormy plowed into the wastepaper basket, knocking it into the air.
Cheerilee turned and patted Balance gently on the shoulder. “I think we’re done here.”
“Yeah.” Balance seemed to deflate as several pieces of flaming garbage settled on the table and lit the menus on fire. Within seconds, the tablecloth was smoldering. “Yeah, you’re probably right. We’ll get it right next time.”
Despite everything that had happened, Cheerilee couldn’t help but to smile a little as his optimism. “Buddy, I sure hope so.” She swept her hoof around their ruined office. “I don’t think you can afford not to.”
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And a fan favorite returns!
5926762 Gridiron is a fan favorite?
5926762
5926792
That's what I said. He might be Most Hated, though.
Somebody please tell me why, after I read this, that I started mentally shipping Cheerilee with Dotted Line?
Maybe its because he's the anti-Gridiron?
5926795 He holds the team record for most passes in a single game. Unfortunately, he was in the locker room with the cheerleading squad at the time...
Train wreck from start to finish.
Ah poor Balance Sheet. I wonder if he'd make an acceptable date? He knows enough about Cherilee to see Gridiron was a bad choice, and his hearts in the right place.
5926867 Unfortunately, they were incomplete passes.
5926877 I wanted a new chapter that was like the twentieth date. Just a mess from the word go.
5926886 It's a possibility, though the people rooting for Caramel might start throwing rotten vegetables at me.
5926886 This is his only way out of crippling debt and/or imprisonment. His optimism IS rather inspiring, but it sure will be sad to see that die.
No interrogation by the authorities, no bruises, no quicksand, no ducks, her mystery date didn't turn out to be her dad...
This date was actually a little bit above par!
See, this is why insurance agents shouldn't go into the dating service. Stuff like this happens.
I can't tell if they were trying to hard, or not trying hard enough. Either way, yikes. I wouldn't want to be in the middle of that disaster. No, sir.
5926895 Screw Caramel, I'm rooting for Celestia. They've already got regularcorrespondence going on.
Forget Gridiron. Cheerilee needs to go out with Balance Sheet! He's just so adorable when he's trying so hard.
5934517 Gonna have to go with Cheese Sandwich. He's got the lonesome drifter thing down to a T. Plus, a huge cross filled with rubber chickens? Deadly.
Heck with Caramel, give Balance Sheet a try!
Hedging the bets and all that!
5938525 Isn't Balance Sheet's life hard enough? Why would you want to do that to him, Loeden?
5939770 I'm a sucker for other ponies' pain?
But really, he was just adorable. Inept, with horrible luck, and a bit incompetent.. Wait, is he Caramel in disguise?
This was a great lot of fun to read. Where does one sign up for guest chapters? Cause I think I've got a heck of a side buster. :D
Wow, that dinner is almost to Sweetie Belle levels of fail...almost. And yet they somehow managed to not burn juice or liquefy toast.
5946459 For the time being, I've moved away from the idea of having guest chapters. They end up being way more work for me to deal with than just writing a new one on my own. That may change, though. I'll let you know if I'm starting them up again.
5942525 He is a lot like Caramel, but with one big difference. Caramel generally isn't responsible for the terribleness that surrounds him. Only the first date with the kite was his doing. Balance Sheet is a follower, so while he knows better, he listens to Stormy anyway, and then pays the price. He's been doing it for years now. Balance is much more at fault for things he gets involved in that Caramel is.
5950429 They had great breadsticks! Mostly because they picked them up at the bakery just before Cheerilee got there.
Man, I should have had Sweetie Belle cooking for them! That would have been a great idea! Damn it! Just think how cheaply Stormy could have hired her for...
5969300 I've always had this soft spot for Caramel as a hard luck pony ever since Winter Wrap Up. That face he makes when he loses the seeds, and the reactions of everyone around him just scream that this is a common thing in his life.
5969836 I know how that is, from previous group projects I've done (not here). Keep me in mind if you ever need a guest though, I love torturing a character.
5969852 Well, you can still use it if you want. Although it would be kind of hard having Sweetie Belle doing something for one of Cheerilee's dates before the Hearts and Hooves Day episode.
Huh, I'm not sure if it's such a good thing for Cheerilee that these guys are now on the hook for helping with her dates. Maybe at some point some actuarial knowledge will kick in and start to improve the dates in some statistical way.
5995451 Man, I'm not really one for crossovers, but a story with maybe Fluttershy as Milly, Twilight as Meryl, Pinkie as Vash, and Cheese as Wolfwood would be hilarious. Cheese pulling off that hard-bitten drifter thing is hilarious to me, and anytime that Twilight is irritated is comedy gold in my book. Meryl spends about 85% of that series seriously irritated, so it would be great.
And special appearances by Spike as that random black cat.
6021180 Thanks! I love the idea of Crazyshy. The adorable avalanche of bone-crushing love that poor Bell Curve receives is hilarious to me.
I actually feel really really bad for Balance. Stormy is kinda obnoxious, but Balance . . . He's adorably desperate.
I honestly thought they were burning their records in the back with the "date" as cover. Since Cheerilee's claim is the least of their woes, what with them having had the exquisite bad business sense to buy cheaply into the Ponyville insurance business. Rather like selling cheap fire insurance in Detroit.
It's been a while since I checked this story out. I feel bad for that poor Balance guy, but Cheerilee is at least willing to give him another chance it sounds like.
Anywho, caught a minor error:
“It’s Cheerilee.” She tried to keep the irritating out of her voice,
I think you meant irritation.
Hope to see round two of these dates in the near future!
NO!!!!!
Ah, Luna's hooves, I thought we'd seen the last of Gridiron! I guess we weren't that lucky. At least this time, they're trying to keep him civilised?
Please, let's see no more of him. Even the unemployed pony who hired Iron Will, the one who lived with his mom, or Filthy Rich would be an improvement.