Date Thirty-One - Unreported (Guest Chapter by Eakin)
Guest chapter written by Eakin
Twilight Sparkle. She was actually on a date with Twilight Sparkle.
It was still impossible for her to believe. When the mare had dropped by the school house late that afternoon because she’d found a book in her collection she ‘thought might help you come up with a science lesson for your foals,’ (the book in question being an 800-page text on superstring theory) it had been a rather transparent pretense. Still, Twilight had hemmed and hawed for nearly forty-five minutes before she’d taken out a foot-thick sheaf of papers and wordlessly pushed it across Cheerilee’s desk.
The only words on the title page were Why You Should Go Out With Me: Volume One. And now she was actually on a date with Twilight Sparkle, sitting out on the patio of the Grassy Knoll under the gorgeous display of aurora borealis that Twilight had gotten Luna to put on as a personal favor and digesting a delicious meal. She’d called in a favor from one of the princesses just because she wanted Cheerilee to have the perfect night. As if she were the pony with something to prove. As if being a national hero who just happened to be brilliant and adorable in her own dorky way weren’t enough on its own.
“...and then the first scientist said, ‘That’s no entangled quantum superposition, that’s my wife!’” finished Twilight. Cheerilee blinked several times before she realized that her date had just delivered the punchline to the joke she’d been telling for the last seven minutes. Frankly she’d lost track of exactly what was going on when Twilight had gone off on the tangent about the operation of the particle accelerator. By the time she figured out that she needed to laugh, it was far too late. Twilight sighed and hung her head. “Sorry. I guess I didn’t tell it very well. I was cracking up for hours the first time Celestia told it to me.”
“It just took me a second to get it,” said Cheerilee. When Twilight didn’t look up, Cheerilee reached across the table to lay her hooves over Twilight’s. “Really. I’m having a good time being with you.”
“I guess,” said Twilight, sounding unconvinced. “It’s just that when I get nervous sometimes I tend to ramble. It’s not an uncommon side effect of mild to moderate social anxiety, in fact about two centuries ago Dr. Inkblot did a study by dividing ponies that had reported having issues with rambling into two groups and... and I’m doing it right now, aren’t I?”
“Kind of,” said Cheerilee, unable to control the silly grin stretched across her face. She chided herself a little for enjoying the cute little pout on Twilight’s face as much as she did, but it was just too adorable not to.
“Damn it, I’m sorry,” muttered Twilight. “I can’t shake the feeling that this must be just about the worst date you’ve ever been on.”
Cheerilee stared across the table, gaping at the scared mare. And then she did something that probably wasn’t entirely advisable, but she couldn’t help herself.
She started to laugh.
The laugh grew in her belly and forced its way out, first in a single guffaw and then more and more until it had overwhelmed her entirely. She doubled over and her forehead shook the table when it struck the surface, but she didn’t even feel it. The laugh went on and on, until tears streamed down her cheeks and her abdomen hurt more than the time Rarity had talked her into attending a ninety-minute pilates class with her. When Cheerilee had finally regained enough control to look up at Twilight, she saw the mare looking down at her with an unreadable expression. “No, Twilight. No it isn’t. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
“Really?” asked Twilight. “You aren’t just saying that?”
“Really,” said Cheerilee, and the joyful smile she got from Twilight in return made her heart skip a beat. How did she do it? How was she making Cheerilee feel this stupidly happy? Sure, she’d been to the library on occasion over the years, one of the few ponies who used it for its intended purpose of lending out books. Although they’d chatted before, Cheerilee had been totally oblivious to Twilight’s attraction. Still she’d always been fond of the unicorn, and could already feel that fondness welling up in her soul and threatening to blossom into something more. “So dinner was amazing. What did you want to do next?”
“Well, I’ve arranged for a number of possible follow-up activities,” said Twilight, a scroll of paper appearing in her magic from nowhere. “We could go for a walk in the park, or there’s karaoke night at the Sun’s Flank, or, um...” she started to blush, “...you could read me some of your poetry. I’d really like that, actually.”
Cheerilee raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Poetry? I don’t write poetry. Did somepony tell you that I did?”
Twilight’s mouth made a little ‘O’ of surprise at the revelation. “I... huh. I could have sworn that you did, but I suppose you would know, right? There’s just something kind of poetic about you. Well, my mistake. I’ll have to go back and remember to rewrite that scene tomorrow.” She turned her head and then went rigid, the eye on the side of her head that Cheerilee could see from where she was sitting beginning to grow wide.
“What do you mean ‘rewrite that scene?’” asked Cheerilee, more curious than anything.
“Rewrite a scene? Is that what you think I said?” asked Twilight, refusing to make eye contact with her. “I didn’t say that. Ha! It’s funny, because of how much that isn’t what I said. What I actually said... I said that I have to rebite that spleen! Wait, that isn’t better.”
“Twilight...”
“No! I have relight that sheen! Of my coat! With this new conditioner. What’s your favorite kind of conditioner, or what the hay, any sort of manecare product? Why don’t you describe your ten favorites in excruciating detail. Inquiring minds want to know! Wow, is it hot in here or is it just you? Me. I meant me, but only if that was an excessive level of innuendo for this stage of our relationship not that we have anything that we’d have to call a relationship if you’d rather not we could just gaaaaaah why am I still talking?”
“Twilight, come on now,” said Cheerilee. The way Twilight’s chest was heaving as the manic unicorn started to gasp for breath was beyond worrying. All the ponies at other tables were watching the two of them now. Spotting Twilight Sparkle’s oncoming panic attacks was something the ponies of Ponyville learned to do very, very quickly. The ones who didn’t enjoy being turned into assorted varieties of fruit did, at least. “First of all, we’re outside. Second of all, why would I get upset just because you wrote a story? Why would me liking poetry factor into it at all?”
“Well, verisimilitude is important,” said Twilight. “A couple months ago I couldn’t sleep, so I decided I’d start writing, just to pass the time. That’s even how I picked the penname I used for it, Insomniac Pony, just as a joke. It’s mostly a love story, and one of the characters... she’s kind of based on you a little bit. Just a bit.”
Cheerilee stared at her. Okay, that wasn’t so weird. Twilight loved reading, it made sense that she would try a hoof at writing herself one day. Honestly, it was hard to believe she wasn’t published a dozen times over already. Not when she was so amazing at everything she did. And didn’t all writers base characters on the ponies they knew? If anything, Cheerilee was flattered. “Based on me how?”
“Well, she’s an earth pony mare...”
Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “So are most of the mares in this town. That’s hardly—”
“And she’s a teacher,” continued Twilight, cutting her off.
“Well, that’s a little more specific but it’s still not—”
“And her name is Cheerilee.”
The conversation ground to a screeching halt, leaving Cheerilee with a certain degree of emotional whiplash. “So just a bit, then.”
“Yeah, little bit,” said Twilight. She sighed and slumped down onto the table, covering her head with her forelegs.
“So am I the protagonist of this story of yours? And what’s it called?” asked Cheerilee. In her heart, she suspected the answer. And she found herself hoping that she was right.
“I was going to call it A Study of Social Customs Pertaining and Relating to Modern Courtship. But that was a mouthful so I decided to go with Romance Reports instead.”
Cheerilee slowly nodded. “Yes, that’s probably a better title. But you didn’t answer my other question.”
“No, you... she isn’t the main character. She’s the protagonist’s love interest.”
“And that protagonist. I bet she’s ‘just a bit’ based on somepony else.”
Twilight looked up at her, a pleading look in her eyes as a tear started to trickle down her cheek. “She’s me. I’m sorry, Cheerilee, I shouldn’t have told you. Hell, I shouldn’t have even written the stupid thing. I mean some of it... some of it gets a bit explicit.”
“Just a bit?” asked Cheerilee. It was meant to draw at least a chuckle from the morose little unicorn across from her, but it only managed to elicit a groan.
“A lot more than a bit, in this case. It’s just that I thought maybe if I wrote the perfect love story for us, then someday... someday it might actually come true. And now I wrecked everything.” Then Twilight perked up. “I can fix this.”
Her eye twitched, and everypony else out on the patio bolted leaving their half eaten meals forgotten. Nopony wanted to be inside the blast radius when that eye started to twitch. “There’s nothing you have to fix, Twilight. You don’t have to—”
“It’s alright, Cheerilee. You think I’m weird now. Probably a freaky stalker too. I mean, I am pretty weird. Eight or nine standard deviations from the typical pony at the least, but I had a plan to ease you into the weirdness over time, so you always liked me enough to overlook that. The alternate ending I wrote where you walk away and leave me was supposed to be non-canonical, and I’m going to make sure it stays that way.”
“To overlook...” Cheerilee trailed off. Why would she want to overlook anything about Twilight Sparkle? If anything, she wanted to embrace that weirdness. Wrap her legs around it, pull it against her, and never let it go. Sitting across from her was a pony who had written what she considered to be the perfect love story, and she’d cast Cheerilee in the most important role.
Twilight wasn’t the only mare who wanted to see that love story come true.
“Right,” said Twilight, oblivious to the internal monologue that was screaming at Cheerilee to leap across the table, tackle Twilight to the ground, and kiss everything all better. “But like I said, I can fix this. I know just the spell.” Magic started to spark from her horn.
“Twilight, don’t do anything drastic...” said Cheerilee, well aware that there were a billion different things that could go wrong in the next few seconds. Just make her see, she thought, make her realize you want to fall for her exactly the way she is.
“Don’t worry!” declared Twilight, her eye’s twitch spreading into little spasms of her head and neck that she didn’t seem to be aware of. “It’s not anything serious, I’ll just wipe your memory of this happening at all!”
“What?” asked Cheerilee. The magic was growing more intense now, rattling plates and silverware as the light grew blinding. “You can’t do that!”
“Sure I can!” yelled Twilight over the roar of the half completed incantation. “The spell’s not that tricky, and it’s completely painless. I’ll figure out what went wrong with tonight, rework my approach, practice for maybe a decade or so, and then I’ll have a second chance to give you the first date you deserve! It’s a flawless plan!”
“No!” yelled Cheerilee right back at her. “You can’t do this because I won’t remember to tell you that I love—”
~~~
Cheerilee came to in her bedroom, waking with the rising sun. It was the oddest thing; she couldn’t remember anything about last night. She remembered going in, teaching a full day, then... nothing. Just a big, gaping hole where her memories should have been.
She hadn’t been drinking, had she? She certainly didn’t feel hungover, she just couldn’t remember no matter how hard she tried. It nagged at her, and when she concentrated really, really hard a tiny glimmer of a piece of a memory finally surfaced. Something about a date.
She scoffed, and put the entire thing out of her mind. If she’d had a date last night, then in all likelihood not remembering it was the best thing that could ever happen to her.
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Had to snatch up the opportunity to write a Twilight chapter before anyone else did. With an extra helping of adorkability and tragedy.
4135298 I'm pretty shocked that we made it this far without her. I've kind of tried to stay away from the Mane Six, but I'll really have to delve in there at some point. I just really like making OCs.
Well, it seems that Twilight has gone completely bonkers. Celestia help us all.
Oh well. At least she's not enchanting her doll or creating a self-fulfilling prophesy this time. Not that what she did here was much better. Seriously, Twi, I would think that a student of Princess Celestia would know better than to use her magic for something so petty.
4135362 I dunno. The older Twilight gets, the more "I'll try magic!" seems to jump to the top of her list of solutions...
Gaagh! Twilight, what did you do?!
The sad fact is that I can see Twilight doing that.
4135298
4135310
Ha! Of course. Eakin. Twilight. Do over. Time travel. It's an addiction.
I may have found an error though.
All dates are set before Hearts and Hooves Day, so no Twicorn. Easily fixed.
4135474 I'll fix it right now. Damn story set in the past… grumble, grumble…
That's so sad her only chance at a good date and it gets mind wiped.....so sad.
Bbbbbuuuuuuutttttt so fun to read.
Just when things were finally going Cheerilee's way for a change. Twilight, you've doomed Cheerilee to an eternal life of poor dates.
4135482 your comment makes me wanna read a MIB pony crossover. Any idea where I can find such a story?
Damn it, Twilight, you need a chill pill.
4135513
More my fault than yours, given that I wrote it. I keep forgetting this isn't up to date with canon.
One other thing:
Bolded word should probably go away.
Poor Cheerilee...and you have 969 more unforeseen dates left to go...
This is funny, but actually sad... Still, great chapter.
4135743 Okay, I've corrected it.
And I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've made that same mistake in this story several times. I forget that we aren't in the current timeline.
4135474
Shut up, I can quit whenever I want to!
And I'll prove it just as soon as I finish the fifth story in the Time Loop Trilogy retelling the entire thing from another perspective!
Cheerilee's "date" reminds me on one of Significant Other's more cynical comments:
"When encountering a goldmine one must always prepare oneself for the shaft."
You.
You Horrible Horrible Person.
Awww.
4135298
Oh, you bastard. My own idea was a Twilight date. Clearly the takeaway lesson here is to start writing these things down as quickly as possible before someone else beats me to them.
I wonder who downvoted your comment, by the way. That's an awfully odd thing to do, unless someone else got supremely plothurt over you beating them to Twilight.
4135754
Well, having established Twilight's memory charm, it's entirely possible that 960 of them are just repeats of this one.
Wow, Sleepless Brony's "Romance Reports". There's a blast from the past...
Aw man! Wanted this one to woooork-- Well, maybe in ten years.
Oh, poor Cheerielee! I didn't laugh at all while reading this chapter, still, it was one of the best! It will be hard to top this... But a Berry Punch chapter if we ever get one might do the trick!
Eakin is a brilliant author!
That was mean.
Aw! That was sad! Poor Twilight doesn't think she's worthy! You'd think that she'd have learnt after the Lesson Zero incident not to play with ponies' minds but, I suppose, she was so frightened that she'd ruined her friendship with Cheerilee that she was desperate enough to violate her mind. That would be very, very in-character for her.
Awh.
Evil, but still brilliant.
Oh god! Oh my god!
Aww. Poor Cheerilie...
Ooh! You should have her go on a date with a teenage/full grown dragon...maybe the dragon migration. Or a chimera! That would be fun to write.
This story is amazing.
Okay, I love this story and all the wonderful silliness that goes on it it. Every chapter is at least fun, and some are brilliant.
But this is the first one that made me sob with real sadness. So... close... so very close, and it would work so well. Oh, Twilight....
As much as I love it, after going through all these part of me wants to see the whole series end. Soon. With Cheerilee happy and in love, and whomever she ends up with similarly enchanted.
Some day....
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
Nice going, Eakin! You made me cry for Cheerilee.
Seriously, well done. Loved the reference to Romance Reports.
(... ... ... ... Dagnabbit Twilight... ... ... ...)
Well, that didn't work.
4142172
Dangit, now you've done it. You've set Cheerilee in a time loop where she has to relive her worst dates. Not until she makes them go right, but until it stops being funny. Unfortunately for her, the 'verse has a horrible sense of humor.
I'm sad now.
And frustrated because it's like being upset watching Titanic. You know what's going to happen (although not exactly what in this case, but you know the ship is going to sink).
Now I want to read some Twishipping too.
4136519
Maybe they were just mad at what I did to Twi, it was pretty mean. I really like the Twi/Cheerilee ship though. In fact in my initial conception for Stitch in Time, Azalea's role would have been filled by... guess who...
4136519 Maybe he/she was trying to express disaproval with the chapter, without faulting the story at large? I would have liked it to have a little more resolution than just a "meh, who cares anyway?", though, because half the fun is seeing Cheerilee decrying fate at the end or stoicly building resistance to weirdness. Ah well, it serves as a loose thread that can be woven in somewhere.
I did like further documentation that Cheerilee's got some seriously sour mojo going on.
.........
I.
......
Eakin, you heartless son of a bitch.
4147435 No, a mouse is a specific kind of bruise that fills with blood underneath the eye.
Aw Eakin why :( I loved Romance Reports. I guess in this universe it doesn't happen. Ultra sadface.
Hm... Question unrelated to the chapter: How has she been avoiding Big Mac all this time? I'm under the impression it all takes place prior to Hearts and Hooves day, but is Applejack keeping her away out of protectiveness or something? How is it even possible that she'd never even consider him when she's tried so many others? I can imagine somepony told her he has no interest in romance or something, (might not be far off the mark, at least prior to the love poison. Perhaps moreso after) but if it never comes up, it just feels a little off.
Still very much enjoying the work as a whole, though!
4152633 I'm under the impression that Big Mac primarily stays on the farm. They might not run into each other all that often. Also, I've tried to set Cheerilee up with intellectual stallions a lot of the time. If she doesn't know Mac all that well, she might be assuming that he wasn't all that bright. I think Cheerilee is more attracted to the mind than to the body, and if she hasn't gotten to really converse with Mac, there isn't a lot to interest her.
4152720
Makes sense, supported by this last chapter, I think!
...That was brilliant.
Insomniac Pony. Just... Classic.
Brilliant work.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Oh, Twilight... I know the circumstances are very different, but the way Twi behaved in this chapter couldn't help remind me of Cold in Gardez's classic (at least to me) "Naked Singularity". And yes, that's most definitely a compliment! Really enjoying this... er... whatever it is. Series of Unfortunate Dating Events, I guess. I could nitpick at one or two of the chapter titles giving away too much (ch. 10 is an example) but not much more. Extremely entertaining!
Accurate depiction of seeing this:
Especially since its one of my favorites
Oh man, I knew Cheerilee's luck couldn't be that bad naturally. This chapter clearly indicates she has a derranged obsessive stalker who is willing to use inappropriately powerful magic to fulfil her slightest whims. There's only one conclusion to be drawn:
Twilight Sparkle is sabotaging every possible chance at romance Cheerilee has, until she can get it right herself. That explains everything!
4173277
Pretty sure you're gonna like my next guest chapter