An Odd Request

Cadence has been married for some time now and with little chance of having her own foal she decides it's time to get one. One way or the other. She turns to her friend Twilight Sparkle for help on the matter but, will she be willing to do what cadence's wants.

This is my first piece of MLP fiction hope you like it.

(Contains ab/dl pony material DO NOT READ if you are uncomfortable with this type of material)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 20 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 20
- Newest First
- Oldest First

dream1990

dream1990 #1 · Sep 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

i love it and i got a question did Cadence turned Twilight into a foal and when will more chapters for this story come out

GlitchyProductions

GlitchyProductions #2 · Sep 28th, 2013 · · 1 ·

A little too short for my personal tastes as an ABDL story but hey, what can you do?

Anyways. As a first story this is a pretty decent attempt to get into the world of writing and you did a nice job with that. However, if you're going to turn this into a continuous series then I suggest making chapters 2,000 or 3,000+ words long would be a great way of fleshing out the story.

I didn't like the way how Cadance and Twilight were handled, they seemed rather out of character and because of the lack of depth and description needed for a story like this. Everything seemed a little rushed, Twilight gave into Cadance a little too quickly personally and just simply obeyed her. As the story goes along, I hope that you can add a little backstory and maybe tell the audience Cadance's plan and her desires with Twilight in a little more detail than just simply "Foalsitter".

Though this does seem promising if you decide to keep on writing chapters for this, and I'll gladly give this a thumbs up. Hope this comment doesn't drive you away from writing more since it's your first and all.

Thunderchaser23

Thunderchaser23 #3 · Sep 28th, 2013 · 2 · ·

“I want you to let me foal sit you. You know like how we used to do.” She said as she smiled nervously.
Twilight looked at cadence with a confused look. Short of words from the odd request she pushed the diaper and pacifier away from her face.
“Uh I’m afraid I don’t quit get your’ meaning Cadence.” She said.

I'm no editor but so much of this story feels very off, What I've quoted is wrong, dialogue shouldn't be broken up like this. You're describing the actions of the character then breaking up the dialogue into a new line. Dialogue should be in the same line as describing the characters actions.

Also unnecessary apostrophe.

JWD113

JWD113 #4 · Sep 28th, 2013 · · ·

3271999 Duly noted. Really appreciate the honesty and you're not wrong about the rushed part. Truth be told kind of got it out just to say I got one done. My next story will be way more in depth hopefully.

GlitchyProductions

GlitchyProductions #5 · Sep 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

3272091

Don't worry.

I've written stories and partially rushed them just to get them out to meet a deadline or to show others that I did something. Either way, I'm going to keep an eye on what you do, especially the ABDL stuff that you might write in the future.

ClopShopPop