The Next Day
The morning sun shone brightly over the training field, illuminating the man and teen sparring on it with quarterstaffs.
"Your form holds well," Celerius said to his apprentice between strikes, "but your concentration is slipping!"
Faster than he could even see, the teen found himself on his back, tripped up by Celerius.
"Now then Ardon, should I criticise you for your lapse in attention?" the older man extended a hand to his protégé, who took it, "Or maybe I should complement you on your eyesight?"
Ardon found himself whipped about to face the very reason he'd lost focus, sitting just across the street, speaking to a pegasus mare, brushing her rich red hair from her face...
"So you've an eye for young Angua?"
"That's not it at all!" Ardon backed away from his mentor quickly, "I was just- I ah, well I-"
"There's nothing wrong with it," Celerius chuckled lightly, "everyone needs a bit of romance in their life."
"What about you Master?" Ardon was desperate to change the topic, "do you have someone special in your life?"
"I tell you what," Celerius grinned, raising his quarterstaff, "beat me and I'll tell you."
Ardon slowly woke from his sleeping reminiscence to the voice of his subordinate.
"Captain," Damarus stood over him, "we'd best get started now, I think the meeting was planned for noon."
"Right, of course." Ardon looked at his wide-awake Lieutenants on their bed, "Was I asleep long?"
"Only long enough to argue on whether to wake you," Escura said offhandedly, "so, what did you want to talk about Captain?"
"Yes," Ardon paused to think, "First off, what kinds of information did you find out? Damarus?"
"Unfortunately, Lady Luna was less than welcoming of my presence," Damarus sighed, "all I learned is how far we are from Tartarus and that I'm still tone-deaf."
"You saw Tartarus?"
Damarus shook his head, "Just the black mountains, we're a ways off, but it's nothing we couldn't reach in a day or two on foot."
"Understood, Garris?"
"Apart from how trains work not a great deal, I was mostly telling Miss Lyra abou' us," Garris rubbed his chin pensively, "though I did learn a bit abou' that Discord fellow Lady Celestia mentioned, apparently he's some kind of 'Spirit of Chaos' that tried to take over in the past, but they somehow won him over."
"Interesting." Ardon stopped to consider this information, "And Escura, what did you learn?"
"Yessir!" Escura grinned as she jumped to attention, "I was able to obtain information regarding the general military tactics and practices, the history regarding the reawakening of the Elements of Harmony, and at least a partial history of a rebellion enacted one thousand years ago by the Lunar Princess."
"Impressive," as his subordinate began to looked pleased with herself, Ardon continued, "but did you learn of their currency? The current political situation? The social customs employed in today's world? The current state of the law?"
Escura could only shake her head dejectedly.
"Thankfully we should be able to gain that information going forward," Ardon sighed, "it's not too important as I doubt we'll be in such a situation again, but a wider scope to your inquiries may have helped, and that goes for the two of you as well."
They each stated their assent, and Ardon smiled slightly.
"For anyone who's wondering, the currency is bits, which seem more valuable to the coin than marks by about three times, Equestria functions under a Diarchy through Luna and Celestia, but individual cities retain the majority of their autonomy, as for social customs, the largest difference I noted was that the racial boundaries amongst ponies have become less overt, and while I only skimmed their criminal code, I found that we'll need to register ourselves as agents of the crown in order to carry weapons."
Ardon raised an eyebrow as his Lieutenants looked at him appreciatively.
"Did you think I'd come up with those questions on the spot?" the Captain smirked, "Now then Escura, deliver your report."
"Right, I think it would be prudent to begin with-" she was interrupted by a knock at the door, "Enter."
The door opened, revealing a meek-looking unicorn, "Sorry for the intrusion My Lords, My Lady, but Princess Celestia asked I see to any needs you may have."
"Yes," Ardon moved his eyes over the room as he thought, "we'll need some equipment to maintenance our armour, and if you could run us all a bath that would be appreciated."
"A-a bath, sir?" the unicorn seemed strangely hesitant about it.
"Well we haven't had one in coming on," Damarus screwed up his eyes in mock thought, "ooh, longer than this city's been around, and no offense meant or anything, but my cohorts don't exactly resemble a sweet-pot."
Despite the Knights' good-natured laughter, the unicorn still seemed tense, "P-perfectly understandable Lordship, but a bath for all of you together?"
"Isn't that how it's done anymore?" Escura made a puzzled look.
"Well it's just not very common, what with the, er bareness of, that is..." by this point the unicorn resembled more of a pointy beet than a pony, "I'll have a bath drawn momentarily Milady."
An uncomfortable silence fell over the group that Damarus was only too pleased to lift.
"They do know they don't normally wear clothes, right?"
The shining halls of Canterlot Castle were richly decorated with elegant portraits and beautiful vases and sculptures, many dating back to before even the events of the Lunar Rebellion.
Naturally, this splendor was largely ignored by nearly every pony who passed by.
Unnaturally, Lyra of Ponyville could be counted in their number as she wandered, obsorbed in thought.
What was she even doing here? She was no Element Bearer, she wasn't royalty or a noble, she had no special skills that could be put to use in such a quest.
Lost in doubt as she was, she didn't hear the soft pattering of footfalls, nor the softly reveling voices approaching from in front of her.
Suddenly Lyra found her vision filled with something pure white and fluffy, she jumped back with a yelp, breathing a sigh of relief as she saw it was just the Knights.
"Are you alright Milady?" it was Damarus, who Lyra had nearly walked into, who spoke, "I didn't mean to scare you like that."
"N-no, I mean yes- I mean I'm fine!" a blush slowly grew on her cheeks as her brain finally caught up with what was happening in front of her.
Four Knights, creatures of legend she'd adored since foalhood, marvelous beings renowned for their courage, strength, and valour.
And they were practically naked.
Not that nudity held a special connotation for most ponies, but she found it strange to see the Knights looking so bare, she realised she was staring but couldn't quite help it, each Knight was dressed in no more than a fluffy white towel wrapped around their waist (Though Garris' looked like it had been magically stitched together from three different towels) and their sparse hair stuck to their damp skin where it was exposed, leaving them with an almost balding appearance.
"I know we're a bit of a shock to you, but you'll need to get used to us sometime," Escura chuckled, and Lyra couldn't help but marvel at the differences between their genders, "not to mention that in our culture it was considered rude to stare at a woman's chest."
"I-I'm sorry!" Lyra clenched her eyes shut and lowered her head, only to raise it in confusion as the Knights' joined together in laughter.
"She meant nothing by it Miss Lyra," Garris' eyes were sparkling as he kneeled to be closer to Lyra's head-level, though that still put him nearer to his comrade's full height, "ye can be at ease, I'm sure we'll be able t'sort out everyone's fears once we meet come noontime, ye'll see."
"I don't think I'll be going to the meeting, actually," Lyra turned her eyes away from the gentle giant in front of her, not wanting to see his stare as she delivered her news, "I've thought about it, and there's no reason for me to be here, I'm just a Bard, not some hero, I should be at home writing songs about all this."
"Miss Lyra," Garris' voice was tender, and Lyra couldn't help but look into the man's eyes, so full of compassion and sorrow, "if there's but one thing I've learned in all my years of being a Knight, it's that hero's aren't born, they aren't even made, because there are none worthy of the title who'd ever accept it."
"Then what would you say you are if not a hero?" Lyra chuckled slightly at how subtly absurd it all seemed, "A Knight? A warrior?"
"A Baker, as much as ye're a Bard." Garris' eyes twinkled as he placed one huge hand on Lyra's back, "Come t'the meeting, if ye still feel that ye don't belong here I'll understand, but I for one would enjoy yer company on the road ahead.
"As for us, these halls are a tad drafty, and our laundry's awaiting us in our quarters," Garris slowly stood back up to his full height, "So Miss Lyra, d'ye think this meeting will be able t'put our fears t'rest?"
For the first time that morning, Lyra smiled a bright and honest smile, "I think it will, Sir Garris."
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Good chapter, aside from the dumbness of the recycled joke.
3229329 Recycled joke?
Dumbness?
3229396 I do not recall canon evidence that communal bathing would be seen as odd by ponies (the scene with the Poison Joke curative bath suggests otherwise IMO), and, even if it was, his reaction was fairly extreme, given that it's a different species, and one with which he is totally unfamiliar. It's conceivable that there is a weird pony cultural reaction to their appearing as if shaven, I suppose, but there was no contextual hint to that in your story that I noticed. The joke I refer to is, of course, "don't normally wear clothes".
3229595 Oh, that.
The specific context for the uncomfortableness is rooted in Canterlot snobbery and the like, and I can definitely accept not liking the joke, though I prefer to think of it as a reference or shout-out.
Yay to flashbacks. People find them more engaging than the standard infodump.
3229722 It seems to be a common thought amongst readers of the story.
Every time I read "Garris", I think of Mass Effect for some reason...
rarityguide.com/articles/content_images/5/MassEffect3/Garrus.jpg
[img][img]http://media.desura.com/images/groups/1/3/2632/Garrus.jpg[/img]
badhaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Garrus_battlescarred.png
3229769 That's 'cause Garrus is awesome.
3229856 I believe it.
"Bards are the only beings besides gods who can grant immortality."
- Neil Gaiman
3230579 That's beautiful.
3230714
I think if one of the Knights makes a comment along those lines, it might help Lyra's "I don't deserve to be here" opinion. :D
3230901
Agreed; I actually expected Garris to say something along those lines as soon as Lyra popped the word 'Bard', but it ended up going in a different direction.
Flashbacks? Nay.
3235731 Can you provide a reason?
3237854 How to say... I'm a lot more interested in what's to come then what's already been. (To say it like this, it can't be very exciting since we know they are going to survive if it's a combat.)
Unskilled? As in capable, but bad at it?
Hey, this is cheezesauce from WRITE here, called in to say a few things that are supposed to be helpful, and hopefully they would turn out to be so.
I had the impression that this fell under the large scale type of world-building fics, and I got that impression after reading the synopsis. That’s going fine, but it does depend on what the story is focused on in the first place - are you talking about large scale wars, or a small group of characters interacting? If it’s the latter, then it helps to draw attention to them in the synopsis. Say, for example, if it’s just the four knights driving the bulk of the story, then you could write something like: “From the ashes of a once legendary race, four great knights rise to protect Equestria from a looming evil.” It’s too early for me to say what should be done, given the current chapters. I do think the synopsis could have been improved to hook readers in better, though. Why not tell us something we would want to find more about?
Moving on to the first chapter, I find myself faced again with the synopsis, this time part of the story itself, more or less copied over. I don’t think this is necessary, because people would have already read the synopsis before taking a peek at the contents, so everything they have to learn from that has already been learnt, right? So putting it there is just adding more baggage and obstructions to what readers really want, which is the story itself. Remove the first scene and begin with the italicized readings, which itself serves as a decent introduction. One that I quite like, actually. I like how the interruption from Bon Bon goes up there. It’s like an audience insert, you see, because we’re all here reading the text along with Lyra and there comes the interruption—and we feel it the way Lyra feels it. It’s quite complex to think about, and I guess people don’t actually do that. Unless you’re some crazy wacko reviewer from write, of course.
I’m hit with several blocks of information dumping along the way; most of it when you explain the history and legend of the mighty knights through that dialogue with Bon Bon and Lyra, and probably a few more blocks will come after that. What I mean by information dumping is that when you have something to explain, most of the time background information, you simply tell out to the reader in raw form, instead of seamlessly it into the story. It’s bad because it’s dry to read, and causes people to rapidly lose interest. On the plus side though, I think you’ve made it more palatable by telling through bite sized pieces of dialogue between Lyra and Bon Bon.
Lyra and Bon Bon, however, don’t seem to be doing anything interesting other than sitting around at a table and talking about some long lost history text. It’s quite bland to read about. This type of dialogue is sometimes called ‘Talking heads’, because it’s as if the characters are reduced to heads talking in the air, without any actions to spice things up. I do think this happens again in later scenes, with the knights talking to the ponies and all. And also that knight’s meet at the end. It’s good to have your characters be busy with something else as they are speaking. Get them going, let them interrupt one another and be interrupted. Let something fall upon them just when they’re discussing something. Distractions aren’t always bad.
Descriptions would help too. I think you need more, maybe inserting a nice simile or metaphor would make it better. Descriptions are important. Have too little and the writing feels distant and dull.
Celestia’s walk in the park scene was engaging because it was where something significant was finally happening. (In this case, the appearance of the first knight.) The effect would have greatly lessened when it comes to the second knight, and the third and fourth after that. We’ve seen it before and are seeing it again. It’s a bit watching a scene in a movie play over and over again. It gets boring because of repetition. A bit like how I’m repeating myself here, over again and again. It’ll be great if you could find a more concise way to show the knights rising out from stasis other than, well, explicitly showing all of them rising out of stasis in consecutive scenes.
Knights seem a little overpowered at first impression, don’t you think? Judging by how they outwit the princesses, seem so at ease and confident along with the ponies. I sure hope that none of the mane 6 would be reduced to by standing cheerleaders, and instead would have enough weight to play a part. It’s still way too early to judge, though. I’m surprised that the main contention of the story hasn’t been brought out yet, and I hope that it will be soon. As mean as it sounds, we want to see those knights struggle.
Let the conflict begin.
--cheezesauce, WRITE’s perpetual underground lurker.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
3242379 In regards to what?
3251246 Thank you very much for the review, I'll take what you wrote into account, but I have a question regarding one of your objections.
I'm unsure of when the knights were supposed to have outwitted the Princesses, what exactly were you referring to?
Oh, I noted that from this section over here:
Here, Damarus doesn’t even have to struggle to get out, and those bonds have to be pretty strong, given that Luna the moon goddess herself placed them there. Luna seems totally stunned by it all, reduced to a stuttering mess and all. I guess you could make it better if you wrote that Damarus gave a mighty tug at the bonds to break them, and also by toning down Luna’s uncharacteristic shock. Have her raise an eyebrow in surprise or something.
There is a second point in there, and it's that the knights seemed too confident and at ease around the ponies, with some general air of superiority around them, because they needn’t care that much about the ponies, perhaps even belittling them. This point is harder to narrow down to a single segment though, but I’ll just leave this part here and hope that it helps.
3256402 I should probably rewrite the first part, I'm not very happy with how it turned out, it was supposed to get across Luna's shock at the Knights' ability to use magic, but I bungled it pretty terribly.
As for the second point... Well I'm not actually sure what the second point was, but Damarus was just being a knob in the quoted text, he's like that.
3254361 a unicorn,alicorn, or Dragon.
I'm curious; did I miss the physical descriptions of the knights, or was it an artistic choice to leave that out? I am enjoying the story, but I find this slightly off putting.
All that I am able to infer, so far, is that there ae three guys and one girl, and one of the guys is massive, whether through obesity or just being jacked I can't tell.
I am thoroughly enjoying this though, and cannot wait to read more, I would just like some clarification.
3276004 I did deliberately leave the Knights vague.
And Garris is meant to come across as just being largely proportioned, a true giant as it were.
3277005 that's all that I wanted to know.
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Knights of Equestria
Grammar score (out of ten): 7
Pros:
1) Cool premise. Knights who fought Death, returning to life millenniums later to contain another possible threat. Adventure tiems!
2) Each different knight has their own personality. I like what you've done with Lyra as well. You've avoided the overdone "Lyra is obsessed with humans and hands" cliche, instead circumventing this ideal and making her part in the story actually relevant.
3) I'm finding this slightly funnier than I feel like I ought be. No idea why, but it's amusing me to read this, on more levels than just the plotline.
Cons:
1) Your grammar is a little messy. The most glaringly obvious one is the over-saturation of commas and under-use of periods.
2) This is a personal thing, but I'm really not a fan of two or three line paragraphs. It feels like there's too much spacing between what's happening.
3) There's a fair amount of "talking heads" in here (dialogue swapping without many other described interactions).
Notes:
I'm curious about these knights. You've successfully surrounded them in a sufficient air of mystery, while yet revealing a decent amount of their character traits. Lyra is interestingly written as well. I want to know more about this legend of Death. I want more Luna! Give me more of it all!
But please, really, fix your comma usage and paragraph lengths. The multitude of single sentence paragraphs is really getting to me. A good sentence should have no more than two commas (three max) and a paragraph is generally no less than two sentences long. Having too much (dialogue/break/dialogue) sentences can also be off-putting. There's a few capital letters missing from some words too.
Here's an example of how you might write sentences better:
Change this
To this
The larger issue is the "talking heads" thing. You need to write characters interacting with each other and the world around them more, rather than simply having them play dialogue tennis.
I feel like a right bastard for being so critical on your stories with my reviews, especially since you've been ever-so-kind with yours on my own fic. But at the end of the day, we are trying to help each other. So please, take what I've suggested to heart, because your stories have drawn me in with your imagination. I just want to see them sparkle, because they deserve to.
I hope you appreciate this review. Thank you for taking the time to cover my own story, Burning Day Brethren.
3551132 I definitely need to add more detail, I know it's something I need to work on, but I'm afraid of making my writing drag on and on.
And thanks for the structure advice, I should probably get a crash course in grammar before I rewrite the first few chapters. (Ah, the pitfalls of being mostly self-taught.)
I think I'll try and rewrite some of the chapters before I add the next one, I've been meaning to do it for a while now.
3551173
The best of us are self-taught.
>implying I'm among the best of us
In all fairness, I had a lot of help editing my first story from andygrey and Unimpressive Vagaries. Those guys are awesome pre-readers. Thankfully, though, I've not only had them edit my stories for me, but I've also learned from them. This is evidenced by my second story (which you're currently reading) in which I have no pre-reader or editor at all.
3718941 Why... thank you!
Your story failed to qualify for the Good Grammar Directory.
Check your punctuation.
1 answer.... DUEUS VULT