Grimm
Joined 21st Mar, 2013 ·
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Freaky.
But nice.
Mmm... Oh yes I like this one.
myfacewhen.net/uploads/3913-dafuq-did-i-just-read.jpg
Thumps up nonetheless...
HOLY HELL THAT WAS AWESOME!!!
Somehow I think this is gonna be bad... For Shining Armor, I mean. It'll be great for me!
More i want more!!! I wonder if they can make a machine like that for humans?....... I wouldn't mind giving it a try hehe but I don't know if I would like it so much cause I'm gay and it probably simulates a vagina..... Oh well I will stick with men.
Why those bitches...
Hot nonetheless.
Sounds like a certain someone's been playing a certain online game.
2758758
I have a feeling I know EXACTLY what game you're talking about.
Don't say this often, but pretty creepy. Well at least we know how their society can function with so few stallions...
This is freaky...
But in a good way!
275980whats the game?
The only thing missing is an epilogue where Shiny goes home all shamefaced and finds Cadance chugging a big glass of milk.
2758758
I think I know that one. This was actually loosely based off a picture with futa versions of a couple of the mane 6. Not a massive fan of futa, but the idea seemed fun, so that's how it came to be.
2764794
Dear lord that's cruel. I love it!
2763692 shhh, it's a secret to everyone.
Actually it is a fairly popular text-based game that has tons of fan-art and is updated weekly, if not daily at times. I'll let people drop some hints since I'm not sure if we're allowed to direct-link or advertise stuff and it might be fun to see people guessing :)
2765780
oh ok its COC right?
also try super deepthroat its good and COC was based off of one on FA 
2767535 Got it in one. Good job! You get a cookie :)
that was bizarre
but nice!
2768462Isn't the game the thing where you lose if you know about it?
2790190 And you lost!
2794779...thanks for the reminder.
Sequel. One for mares!
2832015
I definitely plan to do just that, at some point. Watch this space!
Well, this should help with that 5 - 1, female to male ratio.
Its a crime not to call this alternativ univers! And one does not just accept a random pill. But hey you didnt put this story as alturnativ so that must mean that all the characters... And i mean ALL CHARACTERS were writen out of character. I would have looked over it if it was random, humor and alternativ univers but as it stands the story SUCKS! Sorry buddy no offence! Oh and pleas expland how this is slice of life curse this isnt a normal day for me at least. Thank :) not bad writing thought you got potential! But please use it in a interlectual manner! Sorry for bad english not my main language :( but hey, i get it, this was made as a joke and the story was bad on perpous but that still is no exuse to lie in the description of the story! Good writing but horrible story! Please take no offence to this comment!Thanks!
3849122
Fair criticism, put well, clearly explained and concise with a lot of attention to detail. Obviously it was wrong of me to not call this alternative universe, seeing as how the characters do things that they don't in the show. Even in the absence of actual changes to the universe, having anything other than a word-for-word rewrite of the show's script should warrant an Alternate Universe tag.
As for behaving out of character, like all clop fics this one is definitely wrong, as in the show there's no mention of ponies ever engaging in any carnal activities, even implicitly. Naturally, I'll have to add a random tag, because as you so astutely pointed out I put no thought into any of this. There's no way that any of the characters would do this on the show, and I have to apologise for my terrible attempts to do something different.
But, ah, of course, it was all intentional! Yes, I intentionally put the bare minimum of effort into this and made it purposefully bad. Actually spending time on a fic? Proofreading and editing it yourself? Hah, who the hell does that? I'm busy bastardising the show here, I haven't got time to actually work on it!
And of course I'll make your suggested changes post haste. I'm thinking that instead of finding a secret milking parlour, there's nothing weird about the farm, and after Shining's inspection Applejack passes with flying colours and absolutely nothing interesting happens at all! Won't that be fun?
I'm sorry to waste your time, in the future I'll be sure to dedicate myself to more "interlectual" pursuits, so you can look forward to "Generic OC in Equestria saves the world and bangs basically everyone" (while keeping 100% in character, of course) and "My Little Pony: Series 3 Episode 10" (that way I can have a story without the alternate universe tag). Though I have to say I'm not sure I entirely agree on your "Slice of Life" complaint. While this is clearly a pulse-pounding and epic quest that warrants the adventure tag, I would argue that it is a boring and slow day if you don't discover at least three compromising sex dungeons before dinner.
Thanks for your input,
Grimm
3849648 When did i ever say you wasted my time? I said ur writing was good for a reason! It was a lot of fun! There reason i would like to call this alternativ is becouse the characters didnt act like them selfs. Its obious that there is acual clop in equestria thats how they make babies right? But i dont think Cadance would act this way. Not after a canterlot wedding at least. There is also the fact that why would applejack threten him? He could just have said something like. "Fine tell them and ill burn this house down ( or close it) he is the capein after all! And why eould he take a random pille? And it just doesnt make sense! What is applejack threatening him about? "Im gonna tell them you were down in this rom" like so?! And why would they take her word for it? So its better to fuck some random machin then someone telling others you where in an adolt room?! He is an adolt! His even marred! Why would he be nervous anyhow and why cadence and twilight do this? It seems really out of character if you know what i mean. Shining just seems stupid. The only reason im even here was becouse i saw slice of life and clop thogether! I was looking for a well put thogether nerativ. I think this story would ho better under humor, random and alternativ. I was looking for something deep Butyou know what i found myself enjoying myself (not in a creepy way bare in mind!) its was entertaining overall bravo good sir! But just please explane these plot holes so i can let my mind slip of calling it lazy writing ;) but remember the story is bad becouse i like to thourly analyse fics;) its like the canterlot wedding on the outside its cool and fun try an analyse it it gets bad. As hell! Bare in mind i came her with something deep in mind! Here we have something imprensive just for what it is! What im talking about its originality! And you sir most certanty have it! Ita hard to come up with new stories now a days! I read loads of stories but i rearly write. I do however know it takes a long time to make and edit this stuff! So ur story sucks from a tectical standpoint but from a literery stand point i enjoyed myself! I hope not to offend you with these comments! I was just expecting something else is all ;) i enjoyed it anyways thanks for making! Sorry for all the spelling mistakes im writing on an iphone 3:00 am and im tierd! I just dont see slice of life fitting you know. Its refers more to the things that can happend on like a normal day basis. But alternetiv sounds about right its just the characters are out of place. Just becouse it clop or dark does not mean we can write the character however we want. The characters havent been viewed in dept in a dark (or clop) senario yet but thats still not an exuse. Aternativ sound right. I dont know how long iv been writing or how many times i have repeded myself. This comment is proberbly a clusterfuck but you know what its 3:30 am and im way to tierd for edit and fix fails, im going to bed! Im sorry if i sound stupid in this comment, im just real tierd!
Thanks anyway!
3850744
Okay, I'll be serious this time and address your points as they come.
Firstly, as far as I'm concerned the "Alternate Universe" tag is strictly for stories that deviate heavily from the usual universe. (e.g, Nightmare Moon wins, dragons rule Equestria and so on and so forth).
As far as Shining's motivations go, it's not just wanting to avoid the rumours Applejack's threatening (which he himself admits would likely be overruled by his word, but do you really think his subordinates would let him live that down?) but also the curiosity that he explicitly mentions. Stallions wanting to rut things is hardly unbelievable, after all.
As for Cadence, she's the princess of love. "Love" being extended to lust in fan fiction concerning her is a common enough trope, because it's not outside the realms of believability. It's harmless; no-one actually gets hurt, several ponies get considerably richer and Shining certainly enjoys it.
I'm sorry it's not what you were expecting, but the lack of a romance tag should have really given that away. You're right, perhaps it isn't an in-depth, philosophical take on anything, but it doesn't need to be, and to flat out say it "sucks" on a technical level is something I object rather strongly to. I appreciate you were looking for something deeper, but the flaws you point out aren't really plot holes, so much as a disagreement as to characterisation.
Oh, and the pill? It's Applejack; she's not going to poison the prince of Equestria, who's also the brother of one of her best friends. He knows that, and we've seen how bad the element of honesty is at lying. If there are out of character moments in this, Shining trusting Applejack with the pill is not one of them.
3850973
Stories that fall into this definition are usually what-ifs, where possibilities arising from different circumstances or character decisions are explored. Unlike regular fim fiction, which generally remains within the boundaries of the canon set out by the author, alternative universe fiction writers like to explore the possibilities of pivotal changes made to characters' history, motivations or environment.
(On computer now!
Thats what they say isnt it? Even if your suppose to trust the doctor you dont just take random pills without question if ur not a brain dead idiot. You could at the very least ask what it does and whats in it. Every medicin has a side effect (Personal Experience
) And are we talking about the same sister who tricked you into doing this thing as well as cadence? And thats another thing! Just for the moment ill take the love lust thing into consideration why would twilight do this?
Oh yeah one last thing, there are only 1 zebra in Ponyville? Bridle gossip showed us that. None had seen them around... ever. And dont tell me they just dont show up in the show. So if zecora doesnt drink gallons everyday i dont see the point? But the there are others zebras in ur story then thats another reason to call it alternativ. What they just came out of no where?
Oh and you dont really need to have mature, teen will do. I see no detailed descriptions intercurse or anything grafical
And if it means anything i really liked Full House: Jacks over Twos. Thats a story that really has potential! Something interesting was going on and it would have been cool to dig deeper into stories like that. To maybe know why she loved him. Sad the story only have like 5000 words :( But hey, it was fun while it lasted! Only reading the description i knew i was in for a short ride. Reading the story was i lot of fun! I stopped every 10 minutts minutes to see how long i came and it had a satisfying ending! I think i could have been better if u used like 10000 words but hey i enjoyed it:D
This is a lot of fun! I love to discuss stuff like this its loads of fun dont u agree? Oh and Brohoof!/)
3853609
According to fimfiction's FAQ:
I apply it personally as: if there is no way the show could have existed as it does now with this story, then it's alternate universe. This story, while certainly unexpected, has no massive changes from canon, and so doesn't qualify as alternate universe in my opinion. The tags are always a massive source of debate, though, so I can see your argument, I just happen to disagree.
It's nothing to do with antagonists winning (and again you're perfectly correct to argue Applejack is the antagonist), but rather massive upheavals in the canon world that mean your story could no longer exist in the traditional universe. I argue this one can.
This is probably your most valid point, but I argue that soldiers will take any excuse to spread rumours like wildfire, especially as if Shining disagreed she could probably have got photographic evidence (Not that I think Applejack would, she was likely bluffing). Rather than risk that damage to his reputation as a hard-ass, Shining took the plunge. And, like I said, part of it was because he secretly wanted to. Applejack was "forcing" him into it, but he was hardly as reluctant as he could have been.
As for the pill, I've said all I have to say on that matter. Shining trusted Applejack enough to take it, I feel that's in-character and a moot point. And the zebra presumably have to exist en-masse somewhere, or where did Zecora come from? Long-range shipping and such.
If you're after a more in-depth story, I'd avoid my one-shots. They're mostly in it just for the clop, and the implied consequences are rarely fully-explored but left to the readers' imagination. However, I've just finished a longer piece that might be more to your tastes: Diaries of the Mare in the Moon, so perhaps give that a try.
3854072
Here a the things thet bugs me! 1.Why would they beleve Applejack over the own captein! 2. Why would shining care? Its an room for adolts im guessing and he was just in the room(For full grown stallions which he is!, right? Im guessing you are saying applejack would make a fake rumor. But she is the element of honesty why would she do that?! 3. Why does not shining just say something like If you do that ill close down the farm? Or not give you verified on the document or whatever? 4. Why would the guards spread the rumor anyway? To risk getting fierd? I dont think so!
??? But here is the thing in this story there is a leak of Continuity! Just becouse she is twilights friend does not mean he should trust her! i thought we learned this in a canterlot wedding?! We cannot just trust everyone that walkes by us! Agein look at a canterlot wedding! We could not trust Cadence i thought he lerned to be more carefull but NOPE he just takes the random pill form someone he never meet before! Does not matter if she is Twlights friend, does not matter if she is the element honesty, does not matter if she forces( With reasons that does not make any sense what so ever!) She could easy be a changeling whom is trying to posion him! It wasnt tought but it could have been! Its not in character if a character doest follow what she has already lerned! This is called leak of Continuity!
Well in the series they say Zebras come form a far away land. But here is the thing, how would they send it that far? The mail no, pegesi no, dont you dear say magic! I dont know you need to keep stuff like semen and blood cold to which would be a problem right? No electricity in the ponyvers right? DONT SAY MAGIC COOLS THE DOWN!
Sure! Ill do that! Could be fun! I got a lot on my reading list but ill make an exeption and read it right away
Ill write a report on that story to! 
This is totally unaccepteble, you left without giving me a proper Brohoof! Dont leave me hanging this time around! /)
4761818
Are you kidding? 
You're not kidding are you? 
You're kidding right?
Getting jacked off from a cold emotionless machine and having it analyze your production to make it more efficient? No nothing creepy about that...
This was quite the ... thing. Eeyup.
Here's all the errors I found:
There's an extra double-quote.
I'm not sure "assumedly" works here. You're probably looking for "presumably."
3879712 you do make a lot of correct point I belive but there is electricity in the ponyvers both normal and magical. However I have to admit 1) If zebras want cum why not simple use there one species? 2) for a shipping operation on the scale to go unnoticed is nearly unheard of especially if there shipping to far off lands 3) shining armor was there for inspection why would he worry what the others say not to mention wouldn't they be more worried about blowing the top off off of this "secret" operation. Also most agree though that were looking to deep these are just basically clop for clops sake the peppering of stories are mainly there only to get to the clop so were lookng to hard at this.
rutting her in that bestial way, and oh that made her flush.
Do you mean blush?