• Member Since 28th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen March 7th


Comments ( 153 )

So this man give up his humanity…but he respect innocent life's and has a sense of honor? No to mention that rape, bulling and torture, make him mad? Its kind of contradictory.

And for the looks of things he is in the only place where he can actually find himself at peace? Well, I kind of curious on what that will turn up. He basically become the new Nightmare, and by default royal. And its tag sex and mature, so I wonder what pony will fall for him. Uy maybe he will have something like nana magbe where when he transform and start to find more and more peace his scars will go away and his fangs and claws will become more and more normal.

P.S: Did he has scars on his face?


Yes, it is kind of contradictory:twilightblush:, but that's to show that even a monster in human form can have morals.:twilightsmile: As for romance, I'm still deciding on that.:twilightblush: And yes, he does have face scars, but you'll find out in later chapters.:pinkiehappy:

I see, as for romance, maybe you can put him, asking which one of the main six are his favorite, or the princess for HIM…for them, I have 2 options that I think could be one funny other kind of obvious, One Fluttershy, the other Queen Chrysalis

Hmm, not bad.
But one chapter will not make me decide wether to like it or not.
So i will tell you when the next chapter arrives.


Well, as you can see, he doesn't really like the show, but becuase his sister loved it and it hints at a possible place of peace, he doesn't really hate it, I guess you can say he's in the middle.:applejackunsure:

So he doesn't have a fav. in the mane 6, but he does have a fav. Who that is, will be reveiled in the next chapter or after.:raritywink: As far as Chrysalis goes, she will be in the story, the damn system just wouldn't let me add the tag with the others,:twilightangry2: and she will has a big role later in the story.:yay:

As far as the Nightmare Moon refrence goes, that will be explained in the next chapter.:pinkiesmile:

And before I forget, there will be more transforming for him, and I think you'll like what I have instore.:pinkiecrazy: Muhahahahahah!!!

Thanks, and don't worry about that, the next one will be out soon.:scootangel:

Oh good, so he will no longer will look like a reject from Silent Hill, yeah, and good thing, because I bet Fluttershy would have faint if she saw him like THAT

this is cool for a first story dude cant wait for next chapter:twilightsmile::pinkiesmile:


Thanks, working on the next one, so hang in there.:yay:

... Nice, I like the style but your spelling could use some work.

I know:applecry:, but this is from the top of my head and I use microsoft for spell check, sadly some words don't get any spelling rights and are just labled as wrong.:facehoof: Also I don't have a proofreader, so this is all me, and I'll be the first to admit that I have little to no skill for story telling,:ajsleepy: but that's not stopping me from trying!:pinkiehappy:

The majority of people get angry if you misspell a few words, but I do not. This story seems interesting and I will be following it.


I know what you mean. Thanks for the follow.:yay:

Seems very intriguing, not sure if he's a human or werewolf or what, but chalk me down as interested. Looking forward to next chapter.


He's a human but he abandoned his humanity, so I can see where you're coming from.:eeyup: I'm making him like the predators, but he doesn't hunt for honor. I guess you can say he's mainly doing it for revenge, for what you'll find out in the next chapter!:pinkiehappy:

Just trying to wrap my head around what "abandoning his humanity" actually seems to entail.:applejackunsure:

Besides becoming awesome. :rainbowlaugh:


Basicaly, say a cop caught a mugger in the act, he'd take him to jail, right?:trixieshiftright: Not this beast, the mugger would look like he went through a wood cipper.:pinkiesick: The OC has zero mercy for any who would even threaten an innocent, their form of death getting more horrid as the offense gets worse.

So you see, where a human would offer mercy, my boy doesn't even blink.:pinkiecrazy:

I wonder how fluttershy will act towards his demeanor and mindset. tensions will rise and tears wil occur(99.8%of that will be fluttershy)


Let's just say you'll be pleasantly surprised.:pinkiehappy:

Like I said 99.8% of the tears came from fluttershy and its only the 2nd chapter(good chapter by the way)

How did I know he'd take a name Luna would like?

So he is a 5 feet tall colt and apparently at age 21 you are still consider a colt? How big and how old did ponys get before consider adults?


It's easier to just read The Scent: Lust of Mares, but basically, ponies live twice as long as humans. Where 18 could be an adult for us, they're not an adult until at lest 36. As for the how big, the average pony is 7ft, while Celestia is 9ft, and before anypony asks about their weight, either wait till later chapters, or read The Scent series by Distorted Flare.

Yeah I read it, hope the hole matriarchal thing is not that strong in your story, that Story got really dark really quick


It'll be a bit heavy,:pinkiesad2: but it won't be as dark. Most of the dark will be coming from our bad boy,:raritywink: if that wasn't obvious enough.:scootangel:

Good I really didn't want to see more rape, and he in Equestria should be enough to shake things a bit, hmmm perhaps even change some things, now that he is an alicorn and a male one he can transform the matriarch dynasty into a due dynasty with men and woman with equal rights


Maybe, but he'll have to get them off their high horse(pun intended:rainbowlaugh:) if he wants to have even a shot at the spot.

he rip a legion of diamonds dogs like they were made of paper…yeah something tell me he has a shoot

you just destroyed and repaired my brain all at once and this is only the third chapter.


Make sure your enemies pay, in blood

You do keep the CMC in the friendzone right?
He might be a 'colt' in pony society but back on his own world he was an adult. one does not go and fuck children.
No matter which world you are :3

Lets see, he find his dad but no his brother…yeah I have some clue of what Discord will bring to the mix.

And from all the ponys he accept Fluttershy to be his mother in a heart beat, the moment she offer it. Interesting, its looks like he want to have a better life after all. For a moment I though Celestia would have adopt him as her son or something.

As for OC, well perhaps you can give him a friend, a new friend to start. This is my idea, some lay back and some lazy colt (pegasus) , that is kind of a loner but he just approach Shadow and be friendly with him and when he explain his past he just didn't care and offer him to be his friend again. Shadow, maybe try to attack him to go away but get surprise by something he didn't expect, some kind of Pinkie sense but its more an ability.

Its call momentum, and its basically a super speed and maneuver to dodge, no matter how hard Shadow try even using his magic he can catch him end end up tiring himself, without connect a single punch or blast.

If you like it let me know and I will give some details of how I picture how it will develop

2719950 Yeeeeesssssss....:pinkiecrazy:

2720265 I'm still deciding on who to romance,:applejackunsure: but if it is the CMC, then he'll be the gentlecolt and wait till she's older.:ajsmug:

2721089 Celestia isn't the foster mother because, for one thing, she's motherly to all but Discord, and Shadow doesn't like those who throw their weight around like Luna did,:twilightangry2: he respects them greatly, they're great leaders,:twilightsmile: but great leaders don't use there power like that whenever it suits them,:facehoof: so he still respects Luna, but he's not going to live her, so in other words, Luna bucked up.:flutterrage: As for Fluttershy, you'll find out why in the next chapter.:twilightsmile: As for your idea, I think it's great,:pinkiehappy: and I might put him in the chapter after this next one. Send me your take on him and if you got a name for him all the better.:raritystarry:


He will most likely get a herd anyway.
The CMC will probably try to recruit him into their little group which would be ridiculous considering he is an seasoned badass lol.
But ofcourse he needs to learn to adapt first.

Ah well i'll await your futher chapters.

flow needs work but I shall see were this goes

All in all, the story is good. I personally wouldn't have picked an alicorn (if only because I have a long standing affiliation with dragons), but that was your choice.

Looking over the first couple of chapters, there seems to be a bit of an over use of the time skip mechanic. Kind of breaks the flow of the story a bit.

Another thing,(just a pet peeve. If it works then use it) is that several characters share the same paragraph of speech. It may add a little more flow to have a new paragraph with a signifier for the character speaking even if the paragraph is shorter.

The use of videos to show what happens gives it less of a personal touch. Just something I would want to change so I could use words to better show what the characters are doing.

The last thing that bugs me a little is the use of jargon such as the term CMC for cutie mark crusaders. This is more than likely just a peeve from all the reports I have to write and proof read for my job, but if it works then use it.

Over all, it's a good story. It has flaws like everything, but definitely has potential to be good. I'd rate it a 3.5/5.
(note that a 3.0 to me is average. My personal rating system is based on story, structure and grammar.)

Comment posted by Kamen Rider Dragons deleted Jul 12th, 2013

Well, you said to say what problems I have, you use too many pictures, just using them to show what you are trying to show them when you are having trouble finding the words is okay, but doing it like this just ruins the flow of the story, I still enjoy it, you have a great story idea, it's just that and also the fact of you using colors on his voice, you should only do that if his voice changesdrasticly, and usually that should just be making it bold and italisized usually works better, the red would work better if he started to breathe fire or something, and you should just italisize the thoughts of the main character/ the character currently using the PoV, it is otherwise an amazing story, and I can't wait for the next chapter:twilightsmile::yay:

Oh man im hooked on this I have never seen so much badasseriy in one place.

.................... OH SWEET CELESTIA! THAT IS THE MOST EPIC AND BAD ASS CHAPTERS I HAVE EVER READ!!! :pinkiegasp: KEEP THIS SHIT GOING!! :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy:

Ps. i will never become a brony hater i would rather DIE! then become one and then sent to equestria with the same eyes and 6x the strength and 3.9x the speed and eye sight and have the same armor but 10.9x the strength and with a few BAD ASS! enchantments the main character has (ik night shadow doesn't have enchantments to his armor i think idk yet DX but it would be cool to have C:) :pinkiecrazy: :trollestia:

2721669 u should get him a BIG ASS SWORDS like these (u can choose for 2 two handed swords due to his insane strength) encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQanpQ53vnbbLmnQdtyAVmFhF_qgai7ENV9dvgT8MHqy8TpQAf6

and the size of the sword is about this tall encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS1Px5r3B7ZvqbINRp6ll0SQxnA-NYHC8trhTAIl2WNpMfeOQMa

and these swords u would really like ^.^ encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ4k7BP6B-a6vLmvakjJOdmZJxyPok2Lj38vQwYL0RX9Gl2HiZG


and's a cool sword and it's handle (sorry but due to the url of the image being SSOO FREAKING LONG! i can't put here :/)

and ones another encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQDxcnVLBtz-Fac_3g4A0rwZ9du_nEBxu5UhRbqQuRbNtuOvW3SZw


and now for the range weapons for u to choose :D (like 1 rifle 2 pistols 2 smgs 1 shotgun 1 sniper rifle ,etc your choice :3 and if u can't choose HAVE ur fans put votes :P)

dual pistols of these encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSruiXXW_WJsEcS7QIxbu3sCruYVfmv9t1W9cGzpSWIaVixtmAWnw

or these others encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRBAJoZ4VVDDQEFZ6GqHRPvJsRysphXACVFmwJvhDmpffAx7N45qA


and here are some of the pistol links (can't show the DB shotgun due to no link :/)

*pistols for night blade*

and oh if u want to see and want to know about the pistols click the link and scroll down to the legendly arms aka legendly fire arms

CLICK this link if u want to see the guns

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