• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 3rd, 2017

Goku the Super Sandwich4

Comments ( 79 )

You made a communicator out of paperclips and a subway coupons for Christ sake!

someone have been watching Naruto abridged. :rainbowkiss:

Yeah while I was typing this I was watching Naruto abridged and it just came to me:twilightsheepish:

3314082 BACON is the best around it solves so many problems:rainbowlaugh:

3314297 Whoops, I'm thinking of Delta 40 not Delta 42, sos:twilightsheepish:

It's Corny and I like it. Ha.

awesome chapter dude.:pinkiesmile::twilightsmile::yay:

Thank hey if you guys have any idea's I might just use them so feel free to land ideas.

ok, it has some flaws, but its ok...:rainbowhuh: also, it would be more interesting if a few Paradox soldiers also got sucked in and are working for nightmare moon then after she is defeated, working for Luna... even though the Paradox still hates him.:pinkiehappy::rainbowdetermined2:

Comment posted by abdcdweawrbitwaihjtolwtj deleted Oct 10th, 2013

3322396 Sooo are you done is that really the best you got, also it hard to tell if you like or hate the story.:trollestia:

3322205 That sound like a great idea I might just use it you said there were some flaws I'd really like to know so in future I wont make the same mistake.:twilightsmile:

advise get a beta reader


Kindly go off yourself in a alley

No, I totally did not tell you to go commit suicide in a dark alley because of your cliché as shit story. In fact, it's a great story.

Heads up new Chapter coming soon sorry fro the long wait I have a house project I've been working on

I really like the story, it had quite the action in it! I like the way it opened up right in the middle of everything; an excellent hook to the story. Your main team of characters seemed a bit overpowered at first, but it balanced out nicely since only one actually ended up in Equestria. I feel there are a few things that could be improved though.

Firstly, punctuation is somewhat lacking and a few sentences seem awkwardly phrased. Examples:

The blond known as Decker gave a sadistic laugh and said,"You have three minutes before my sister dies better get you last words in Mike and if you need me I'll be in the control room" then started to walk away

You might want to split that into two or three sentences (it reads like a run-on). Also, you're missing a period at the end, and a few places could use commas. Perhaps: The blond man known as Decker gave a sadistic laugh. "You have three minutes before my sister dies, better get you last words in Mike," he said as he started to walk away. "If you need me, I'll be in the control room."

With that he ran towards the drones firing his guns off taking down as much drones he could see yet at the same time he could feel the bullets tearing his suit and skin, but continued on rushing.

Again, needs commas or it becomes a run-on. You could also break this one up to make it flow smoother. Consider: With that he ran towards the drones, firing his guns off while taking down as many drones as he could see. He could feel the bullets tearing his suit and skin, but continued on rushing. Besides these examples, there are quite a few places where you missed periods, commas, etc.

Secondly, formatting. You should indent when you start a new paragraph, and add spaces between your paragraphs. As it is now, the story has the infamous "Wall of Text" illusion going on; these suggestions will help break it!

Thirdly, story pace. The sequence of events were cool and very interesting, I really enjoyed them. That said though, at some parts, it felt a little rushed, like it was event after event with only the action in there. Try fleshing out some of your scenes by adding details. Describe the scenery (room/hallway, lighting, sounds, smells, etc), or maybe explain some emotional parts in greater detail (What the character felt, describe their sadness/anger/so on so forth).

Finally, story flow. While the story progresses well enough, there are parts where you transition between different times or between perspectives/scenes. The transitions are in regular text, crammed in between the paragraphs with nothing to set them apart. As an alternative, add spacing, bold or italicize them, make them bigger, or combine any of these, but set them apart somehow.

I hope this helps you in your writing, and I wish you luck with your story. I eagerly await more!!

3509675 Thanks a lot and I'll try to use this information to the best of my abilities.I'm not much of a writer cause I suck at the language arts.:twilightsmile:

Your welcome with the editing but now I see that even I missed a few lines.:twilightblush:... :facehoof:

Nggh, not really what I hoped for... here are some things I would have done diffrently.

One, no soldier... and not even the Paradox would blindly charge at an opponent. I would have raised my AR and fired without question.

Two, If I had a Blaster Rifle and a Manticore jumped at me I would roll to the side and engage it with the weapon.

Three, shoot Nightmare Moon in the legs

Four, if you are sneaking into a unknown territory... stay in the shadows. Here a short story of what I would have done. (Note that your character is in the story as well, I am just an observer.)

Putting my hood on and scarf over my face I began to run towards an alley way, my armor fading into the darkness as the light particles began to bend around me. It doesn't turn you completely invisible, just a faint shimmer if you looked hard enough. As soon as I was in I looked into the streets to see that the ponies started to move towards the 'town hall.' Making sure I wasn't being watched I ran into another alley then repeated this multiple times before I got close to the main building. I made my way over to a pillar before I pulled out my grappling gun, pointing it upwards the hoof fired then latched onto the roof, the grappling tugged on my arm as I was lifted into the air. Reaching the top I climbed up and made my way over to a window. Staying in the shadows I activated my Hawk Eye Mark 3 that were implanted inside my eyes. One of them started to glow meaning an IF tag, zooming in the HUD identified him as 'Captain Mike McKay'.

'I thought he died in that nuclear explosion 40 years ago.' I thought to myself.

Shaking my head I noticed something else, their was another one of those anthropoids but this one was different. This one had white fur with a multi-color mane, it also was tied up by energy bonds and a gag. The HUD identified the soldiers around her as Paradox.

'And I thought they all died.' I thought. [Enter Nightmare Moon scene here.]

Jumping down to the ground I made a run for an alley as the anthropoids came running out of the building.

Twilight because It would be more fun just to get under her fur.

I say this is an interesting story, but the movement and flow of the story goes to fast. Leaving some question on who Decker is and why he evil? But other than that it's a good story. Keep it up.

yay update cant wait for next one:yay:

3758681 thank you for the information I'll try to slow it down but most answer will be revealed in sooner chapters

Comment posted by MLP BRONY 27 deleted Feb 21st, 2014

normally in stories like this rarity is high and mighty ass bitch my how the tables have turned and I like this turn of events:rainbowlaugh: instead of twilightlicious we have(puts on shades) twilightbitchness:trollestia:

You'd think Twi would have the common sense to know that a solider like Blaze wouldn't back off from a fight, or fight without a reason:facehoof:

what. the. buck?!!?!?!?! OMG THIS ISTO EPIC

I have to do this
The level of epicness in the fight was was OVER 9000!!!:flutterrage:

I bet Blaze and Twi will get into such a big fight at some point, that they'll get into the heat of the moment and have angry sex:trollestia:

punctuation marks really help.....also watch your spellings, I mean c'mon, you messed up on the chapter title.


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