Brony Of Dust
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Not bad actually. let's see where this story goes.
Never even heard of Dust 514, but your off to a good start
2971122
Free game on ps3 I have a bud that plays it named Sinboto Simmons I'll get his recruitment code and put it up
2971272 sorry dont have a ps3
i'm more of a Xbox player
2971292
Fare enough i'll put it up anyway though
2971272
Did you say... Free?
2972911Not only that, but it effects another game called EVE: online.
2973003
I knew that... I just didn't know it was... free.
2973010 Freaking amazing game.
Hmmm... I like this very much. Also, periods, and commas have spaces after them. On that note, Imma PM the edited chapters to you as soon as I do them.
... Unless you don't want me to?
2973122
English is not my first language so my grammar can be.......off so any and all help you give is welcome
2973264 Okey!
I want ti see where this is going now.
Great! But i's are capitalized
Such as "I'm eating." Or "I just realized" so on and so forth.
A DUST514/EVE CROSSOVER!!!
MUST READ!!!
Edit: Not bad actually, grammer mistaks are off the charts but that is understandable. Im curious to see where this is going.
Not bad, though I'd recommend putting a space after each comma, check your capitalisation, that sort of stuff. I could proofread this for you if you want.
2973264 What is your first language?
2974329
swahili
2974034
Hmm had a guy who wanted to do it but he hasn't sent it to me just yet...well if you want to go right ahead I won't say no
This has potential. *watches*
By the way rainbow acted is she and (the clone) going to have a relationship.
Just confused is all I also hate having a tank round to the face.
2981884
Maybe
And yes tank rounds to the face are rather unpleasant
http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3smm2m/
IT BEGINS
We are getting somewhere here. Also, FAUST!!!
Now to the nitpicking: Please, for the love of Faust, stick to hands. "Stubs" gives me the cold sweat. They are already humanised so you could stick with them having hands, not to mention it would make holding weapons easier.
*gets whiped by a frying pen*
Also, E and above are ridiculously large and impractical so I recommend you flatten them a bit. Stay in the B-D department (Fluttershy might do good with E).
Also everyone knows that Twilight is a "flat chest"
Hey hey hey! Just because I said you are flat doesnt mean you are any less beautiful!
2993564
I was thinking of them holding the weapons without hands becoming a joke sometime later
also gives the whole Lyra scene I've got in mind a place but I'll think about changing it if it bothers enough of yall
Also on the breast size....ya too much I was letting my perverted side take the reins at the time
that'll most likely be changed
2993741 Fair enough. Kepp going as you see it fit, its your story afterall.
2993749
of course
also the 'stubs' thing won't last as he learns the proper names of things he may be an immortal merc but he is still ignorant to his surroundings
2993758 Hehe, this is going to get interesting.
also, why does the cover image make me think of that song "Mad World"?
3006131
I finaly joined a Dust/EVE online group
also I have no idea
Edit: I know for a fact that there are at least two EVE online fics on fimfic
Get an editor if you can, not me though I wouldn't make a good one in my opinion.
3010807 ya english grammar has never been my strong point will start looking i thinks.
Too many HiE hero stories have the guy/gal getting a "7th element"....it a bit over used.
Ashes to ashes, Dust 514s to Dust 514s.
Hmm, looks oke so far. Im not a good editor but I can give you a good idea, be creativ.
For instance you used the word "woman/women" about two dozen times while instead you could have used other words aswell.
An example, instead of "The purple woman said" you could have used the following ones:
"The purple one said"
"Purple said" (her color used a nickname, widely used method)
"Twilight said" (just use the name)
and many more. By mixing it all you break the repetitivness and make reading feel less like a chore.
Also, "woman/women" is more of a formal term, try to use "girl/girls" instead, its much more relaxed, also makes everyone involed appear younger.
A good tipp here is the website [url=dict.cc]dict.cc, it has translations for pretty much every language in existence, or at least the widely used ones, and also offers many alternatives.
PS: What is actually your primary language?
3011121 swahili but i've actually not used it on a regular for....5 years now? which sucks because my english is really bad T-T anyway thanks for the tips I appreciate it greatly and i'm attempting to improve my use of different words if I have to whip out a thesaurus while i'm typing i'll do it ^-^
3011175 You from Africa?! Wow, Bronies are literally everywhere!
A pro tipp, if you want to get really good in english then read, read a lot. I studied english for about 10 years but only since last year im good enough to hold some conversations, ever since I dsocvered fimfiction.
3010813 I really like this story. I could edit it if you're okay with it.
The grammatical errors flows strong within this one...
As previously stated by others, you should really get an editor.
Otherwise, i believe you have a good idea going.
another good chapter.
3011599
I would love you forever XD pm me if you're truly wanting to do it
The whole "7th Element" idea is used way too much.
3036064 danm why didn't i think of that ( edits next chap )
Well, that was rather short. With that I mean Princess Celestia jumping in an NOT noticing the badass armored humanoid that looks nothing like a pony? That could have been a good spot for Vic to pull the princess asside and tell her about the impending invasion. That plus having her sister back would have been an interesting mental dispute.
Other then that I recommend you edit the names a bit. Its "Applejack" "Bon Bon" and "Shadow Spear" and so forth.
I can see you made some progress with your spacing aswell, I spoted a few errors here and there but they are fewer then last chapter.
Keep it up, you can do it.
3040507 (With that I mean Princess Celestia jumping in an NOT noticing the badass armored humanoid that looks nothing like a pony? That could have been a good spot for Vic to pull the princess asside and tell her about the impending invasion. )
......the entire time i was writing the second half of the chapter i was thinking that i forgot something, now i know what it was.
now excuse me as i curse at myself for a half hour.
HAHA he died again is this going to be a reacuring thing
3049160
You have no idea
3049165 MWUAHHAHAHAHAHHAAA
yes a dust cross over