Twilight Eats a Book
Twilight Sparkle, Ponyville librarian, lifted an old book up in front of her. The violet glow from her horn illuminated its cover evenly and perfectly as she leaned closer and squinted at the slightly faded title. “The Ice Cream Book,” she read.
She turned it over. It had a scratch on the back, in the lower left corner. Twilight picked up her quill, dipped it carefully in the ink, and made a note on the scroll beside her: “Ice Cream Book, The: Faded title on front cover, 'e' in 'ice' unreadable; Scratch on back cover, 1 inch from bottom, 0.5 inches from left, 0.5 inches long, top-right direction”.
While the quill moved across the scroll, Twilight opened the book on page one. She closed her eyes and pursed her lips tightly, breathing in deep through her nose. She breathed out again very slowly, then opened her eyes and continued writing: “; Eaten!”
She looked at the neat crater in the middle of the book, where someone had scooped up the paper like ice cream. She sighed and neatly struck out the note she had just written, laid the book on top of a stack to her left, and picked up another book from the piles behind her, all in one motion.
“Princess Pooh and Trixie Two,” she read and made a note. She checked the cover, then each page, made note of a minor tear, returned the book to a shelf, and picked up another from behind her.
A low rumble escaped her stomach as she lifted the book to read the title. She ignored it and read the title, “Unaussprechlichen Haferflocken.” One of Pinkie's abandoned books. Twilight's stomach growled again. What was it about ponies and books about food? She frowned and opened the book. Several pages fell out and the back ripped down the middle, leaving Twilight with two pieces of one book.
Twilight let out a frustrated huff, made a note of the damage, struck it out, gathered the remains in a neat pile, and dropped it on top of the ice cream book.
She looked at the pile in dismay. So many books damaged, if not by Discord then by careless ponies over the years. So many books going to waste. Of course, some of them could still be sold used to ponies who didn't mind a missing cover, a few torn pages, or mysterious stains of unknown origin, but many of them were only good for feeding the dumpster.
Her stomach made its displeasure known again, louder this time, and was joined by the clock announcing the hour. It couldn't already be nine, Twilight thought, but the clock insisted and was usually very exact, as was the moon outside the window. The low growl from her stomach dragged out into one long, grumbling and gurgling noise.
Twilight had completely forgotten about dinner … and lunch.
Twilight got up and stretched her legs before trotting her way through the maze of piled-up books to the kitchen. She pulled open the cupboard and peered into the darkest depths. Half a glass of pickled onions met her, sitting alongside a piece of stale bread, a lonely tomato, some ginger chutney, and a bottle of vinegar. Twilight's brow furrowed as she checked the pantry. Someone had stolen everything but the oatmeal and a string of garlic. The bag of oatmeal was hissing loudly at the garlic.
With a frustrated groan, Twilight shut the door again and turned around. She stood in the middle of the kitchen and considered her options. She could go out and get something, but that would mean leaving her all-important work, and she only had one night before Spike got back from whatever it was he was doing. She had to be done by then.
Twilight turned and stroked her chin thoughtfully as she considered the cupboard. She turned again and looked into the library where books were stacked all across the floor in great big piles. She would have to work all night as it was.
Her eyes fell on the stack of damaged and destroyed books. Twilight trotted through the maze and picked up a sample of the books. There were a pair of heavily damaged crime novels, practically unreadable, a very old and outdated address book for Ponyville, and then there was the big Ice Cream Book, its contents scooped out.
Twilight considered the ice cream book and its hollowed contents. She bit her lip and looked at the other three books. She shook her head and stomped the floor to shake herself out of the absurd idea. “No! You can't eat books, it's … it's practically sacrilege!” she said and shoved the books away from herself.
“But—” She glanced at the pile. Was it really any worse than throwing them out?
What did a book taste like, anyway? It was technically plant material, most of it, anyway. Twilight held up one of the crime novels and flipped through the thin pages.
Maybe if she roasted the bread and topped it with tomato and garlic. It wasn't exactly a great and filling meal, but … And she certainly wasn't going to eat the oatmeal hissing in the corner of her pantry.
Twilight opened her mouth and leaned forward, hesitating. She closed her eyes and held her breath. It wasn't an important book. It was just going to go in the dumpster anyway. Her tongue touched the paper and lifted a single page. Her teeth closed on the paper and tore it slowly, the sound sending terrible shivers down her spine. She trembled as she chewed the dry, tasteless paper until it was a uniform, tasteless mush in her mouth. Twilight sank with a gulp and opened her eyes.
Twilight Sparkle had just eaten a book.
Twilight looked at the page she had torn and quivered. She had just done the unthinkable. She had eaten a book … well, a tiny piece of a book, but surely the amount didn't matter. She had desecrated a book, defiled and ruined the written word.
She looked around, wide-eyed, expecting the floor to open up and swallow this sinful pony for her crimes against literature and knowledge. Minutes ticked by, and nothing happened. Twilight looked back at the book and sank. She licked her dry lips nervously and opened her mouth again, carefully and reverently tearing another piece of paper from the book.
Twilight chewed the paper ponderously and sank after a minute. It was dry, and didn't really satisfy the taste. But it seemed like it should be filling, with lots of fiber. Maybe if she marinated it in some garlic and vinegar and made a salad of it. What if she sautéed it with some onions? Or she could boil it into a thick slurry, like porridge.
She looked down at the book and gave the paper a long, sloppy lick. Blushing guiltily, Twilight ripped two pages in half and chewed the paper noisily, trying to contain a chortle at what she was doing. It was absurd and unbelievable. It was terrible. And yet it felt so … liberating! She burst out into a hearty giggle and spun around, trotting back into the kitchen with the books floating along beside her.
In a flurry of magic activity, and with her work entirely forgotten, Twilight pulled out pots, pans, knives, and plates and set to work. This called for scientific experimentation!
With masterful precision and speed, Twilight chopped the four books into thin strips and sorted them into piles. Oil went on the pan, water in a pot, and a bowl was filled with paper and sprinkled with vinegar and garlic. Twilight grinned madly as she stirred, sautéed, and mixed her meager ingredients all at once.
“This is great!” She giggled as she dropped a large hoofful of paper in the boiling pot and leaned over, breathing in the rising steam from the mushy gray contents. “Just great!”
Twilight arranged the products of her experimentation on the kitchen table and took in the spread: Garlic and vinegar-marinated paper-and-tomato salad, roasted bread with sautéed paper and onions, and paper porridge with ginger chutney. It probably wouldn't win any awards, but Twilight was quite proud that she had managed to use everything in the house, except the oatmeal, in this little culinary experiment.
Her first such experiment! Certainly she would have to conduct more research, try different recipes, figure out what worked and what didn't with different types of paper, the influence of ink, and what to do about hardbacks versus paperback. So many venues of exploration opened up before her, filling her with pure, undiluted glee!
But first, to test it!
Twilight picked up a fork and dug into the salad, rolling up a mouthful of paper and tomato. She wiped a few drops of vinegar off her chin as she chewed it thoughtfully. “Mmm, not bad,” she muttered. “Much better than plain paper. Needs less vinegar and longer soaking; to retain crispness, reduce volume of liquid and let sit longer in proportion,” she noted and licked her teeth as she looked up at the ceiling. “And pepper. Definitely pepper.”
She picked up the bread and sniffed it before taking a large bite, making sure to get a good helping of the paper-and-onion topping. “Fresh bread would help, and I could do without the onions,” she muttered. “But paper appears to be good sautéed. Crisp, and not as bland as raw paper or soggy like the marinated paper.” She looked around for a scroll and quill. It wouldn't do at all to not take complete and detailed notes of her observations.
Finally she picked up the bowl of gray gooey paper porridge. She looked at it skeptically and added a little more chutney to be safe. “For science!” she proclaimed to reassure herself and dug her spoon into the heart of the gruel.
“Eww!” She grimaced and resisted the temptation to stick out her tongue, if only because she did not want to see what she was doing her best to swallow very quickly.
“Yuck!” She held the bowl out at hoof's length and set it down on the table again. “Cooking paper definitely is an exercise in limiting water content,” she noted and wrote her observations on the scroll while flushing the bad taste with a glass of water.
She looked up and held a hoof to her lips. But maybe porridge could still be saved. It was too early to give up because of one failed experiment. She had to do more, in the name of culinary science!
“Ooh, I hope the stores are still open,” she mused as she trotted through the library and out the door, leaving her preliminary cookings on the table and her earlier work on the library floor.
* * *
Spike opened the door to the library and looked back at his and Twilight's five friends, plus the three young Crusaders, as he held the door open for them. “I've got no clue what Twilight's cooking. Her letter only said to skip lunch and come over. Said she had something to show us all and needed opinions. I'm sure we should all be very afraid.”
“Oh Spike, I am certain Twilight has done her very best for us,” Rarity said as she stepped daintily into the library. “And that we can help her in her culinary endeavor.”
“Ooh, oooooh,” Pinkie bounced through the door. “Is it surprise meringues? I like surprise meringues! They're the surprisiest of all meringues I know! And I know lots and lots and lots of meringues!”
“Oh my,” Fluttershy gulped. “I hope it's not too surprising.”
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Food Critics!” three loud voices sounded from three little fillies behind Fluttershy, nearly startling the pegasus out of her skin.
“Sorry, Fluttershy,” Apple Bloom said with an apologetic grin at the roof.
“Yeah, supersorry,” her two friends chimed in. “Excellent squeak, though, but you might want to work on your jump. It needs a little power and vertical distance,” all three contributed.
Fluttershy clutched her chest and stammered out a thanks. Applejack and Rainbow Dash joined them in the library, and everypony looked around expectantly. “So what's the big deal?” Dash asked as the first.
“In here, girls!” Twilight's voice sounded from the kitchen.
Applejack looked around at the maze of books on the floor as she navigated their way towards the kitchen. “Y'all don't think she wants us to clean up this mess for her afterwards, do ya? Butter us up with a big lunch an' then set us to work?”
“I hope not!” Rainbow Dash said above her.
“Voilà!” Twilight turned around and beamed at them with a gesture at the tables around her. She was wearing a white apron stained by sun only knew what, and holding up two large plates in her magic. “I hope you've all saved some room, because have I got a feast for you!”
“Is it meringue? Is is? Is it?” Pinkie bounced up to a silver plate and peered at the shredded paper and berries surrounding a large grilled book in some kind of sauce. Her spirit deflated like a balloon. “This is … not meringue.”
Twilight beamed. “That, Pinkie, is grilled book in cider sauce, arranged with raspberry-paper salad.”
Everypony gathered uncertainly in the kitchen as they took in the plates and bowls filling every surface. “Are you quite alright, dear?” Rarity asked carefully and looked at Twilight with concern.
“I'm more than alright!” Twilight seethed with excitement. “I may have single-hoofedly discovered a whole new area of culinary science! This is revolutionary, and you all get to be first to sample this new cooking with me! Aren't you excited?”
“Um, it sure is … something,” Scootaloo commented as the only one, poking a bowl of cheesy paper strings.
“Is this ice cream?” Rainbow Dash picked up a frosty bowl with a mildly hopeful look. “Normal ice cream?” she added.
“That, dear Rainbow, is frozen paper slurry with strawberries and a touch of fresh ink. I'm still working on the porridge conundrum, it's one of the more difficult open problems in the field, but frozen paper works! Try some, I think you'll love it!”
“Dare I ask about this lovely-looking cake?” Rarity pointed at a cake cooling in the windowsill.
Twilight levitated it off the window and cut a small piece, placing it on a plate for Rarity. “It's chocolate and orange cake,” she said, and everypony in the room perked up hopefully. “I discovered that powdered book covers make for an excellent form of flour. It's very starchy and keeps together excellently. My first attempt was, well, very heavy, until I mixed half-and-half of hardback and paperback. I am still experimenting on the perfect ratio.”
Everypony looked at each other. “Twilight, sugar cube,” Applejack said kindly. “I think ya need to take a rest.”
“I know a lovely resort up in the Foal Mountains,” Fluttershy offered quietly. “Um, I-I spent a week there to calm my nerves after that first Grand Galloping Gala.”
“I concur,” Rarity said. “A week or two away from your books, up in the fresh mountain air, sounds like just what you need.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie looked serious for once. “You definitely need to get out, Twilight.”
“Before you eat all the books, at any rate,” Spike commented dryly from where he was poking a crispy paper pie. “We still haven't replaced all the books that were eaten by the parasprites, remember that? Or the ones Discord devoured.”
“Oh no, these were all old and damaged books that were going to get thrown out anyway,” Twilight said, deflating slightly at the reception to her culinary presentation but remaining optimistic. “Try some. It took me a while to accept the idea too and give it a chance, but I think I've really discovered an area ripe for exploration here.”
Sweetie Belle picked up a sandwich and gave it a tilted look. “What's in this? It smells nice,”
“Sweetie Belle,” Rarity began, but Twilight hurried in between to not discourage the brave filly.
“That's a curry and mango bookwich, with fresh salad and chunky bits of book covers in a spicy sauce. Try a bite.” The librarian clapped her hooves together excitedly.
The filly took a bite, much to the horror of her sister, and chewed it slowly. “It's … not bad,” she proclaimed. “But the bread is hardly burnt, and I think apples would work better than mango.”
“She's got something right, hasn't she, sis?” Apple Bloom said and looked up at her sister.
Applejack pushed her hat back and scratched her head. “Well, apples I know and understand, but this is just … weird,” she said and looked around at the gathered ponies.
Spike crunched on a few long strings of roasted paper. “Eh, they're like hay fries,” he said indifferently. “If you mixed it with some gems, it wouldn't be so bad.”
Twilight lit up. “That's a great idea, Spike!” She looked around for her notes and quill in the mess. “I'll take a note to include a section for dragons. This is great!”
“Uh, a section of what?” Rainbow Dash broke in.
“Of my book,” Twilight said and perked up as she remembered. “Oh, that's right,” she said and turned, levitating a small stack of hastily written papers to each of them. “As my best friends, taste testers, and critics, you each get a copy of my work and get to help me develop it.”
Spike eyed the paper critically. “ 'The Bibliophile's Cookbook: 1001 New and Exciting Ways to Devour Your Books'?” he finished and looked back up at Twilight. “You're going to make a thousand recipes with books?”
“Oh no, I'll make thousands! I need to pick only the best and try out each in a hundred varieties to make sure it's exactly right.” Twilight grinned with a slightly maniacal glint in her eyes. “Isn't it great? My first book!” She giggled. “That's just the concept and my first notes you're holding, but I just know it's going to be great! I've already got almost a hundred potential recipes and ideas. I've never felt this brimming with inspiration!”
“So it's a … cookbook on how to cook books,” Pinkie snorted and fell over, giggling uncontrollably on the floor at her own joke.
“Oooh!” Twilight's grin widened, and she quickly noted something down. “This is great feedback, girls. It's going to be an instant bestseller! A revolution in the kitchen! Equestrian cuisine will never be the same again.”
Rainbow Dash groaned and brought her hoof to her face. She was joined in sympathy by Rarity. Meanwhile, Spike and the three fillies sampled the cake. “This is actually pretty good,” Scootaloo said. “The chocolate really blends well with the ink, and the orange gives it a nice bit of zest.”
“And the ground-up books makes it more crunchy than usual,” Spike commented.
Twilight grinned. “I know! Who doesn't like a good book?”
“A few emeralds would really bring it up a notch, though.”
Fast Food Writing 
Hope you enjoyed this silly little one-shot. It certainly isn't anything serious, just felt like writing something random, quick and dirty.
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This sums it up for me:
2599750
Laughing so hard. Thanks
As my economics teacher would say. Scientific advances can lead to the consumption of goods, in this case an increase in the consumption of books.
Cute!
Liked and faved!
Addendum: Watch as Twilight catches Celestia eating all those friendship reports!
2600302
Thanks
2600190
Heh, consumption of books. Good one
Well, why not? If they're willing to eat hay, why not books? Also, I totally read the one CMC comment as: "Yeah, suppository," her two friends chimed in.
So does the "Unspeakable Oatmeal" book's language mean Pinkie is Pennsylvania Dutch? Her family did seem a bit Amish!
She's from 'round my parts then!
2600345
Well, that was not the intended reading 
*looks up suppository in dictionary*
And that's a good question. She did play the chancellor in the Hearth's Warming play too, so there's probably some Dutch/German in her
well shit. that was the single most random piece of work i have ever read.
funny as hell though.
I have no idea what I just read....but it is hilarious!
Wonder what Discord would say if he got hold of Twilight's new cookbook?
Wait... could they actually eat paper? I mean, horses can digest cellulose, right? Isn't that basically the stuff paper is made out of?
I am pretty sure ink would be toxic to ingest. Than again... Squid's ink is edible.
2600778
If they can eat wood then yes. It would be easier because their wouldn't be any pointy dangerous to your insides parts.
2601228
Thanks
2600655
Who knows, maybe it was Discord's plan all along
Why not? Specially flavored breakfast newspapers would make a lot of sense.
2601276
Eat the pages after you've read them? Yeah, that does seem like a neat idea
Well, out of all the Pony Verbs a Noun stories I have ever read, that has got to one of the most random.
...
I am also, in typical fashion, compelled to note that it seems reasonably plausible ponies would be able to digest paper, given they eat plants, or at least digest to a far better degree than humans.
...
What sort of fandom have we created when Pony Verbs a Noun has become an actual genera...?
2601620
I can only take that as a compliment
You mean to say other fandoms don't have their own silly X Verbs a Noun stories?
The ink and glue might be a greater issue than the paper, but for all we know ponies use special edible ink and glue.
While the story was good, the book lover in me wants to hurt you. Luckily the Brony in me is holding him back.
and Run! While you still have the chance! I don't know how long I'll be able to hold him back!
Quickly! Take this moustache
What the fuck did I just read and why am I hungry?
~Skeeter The Lurker
Let's see... Earth Abides? No, that's an antique. Ramses the Damned? Heh, no, I like that one. How about Quantum Living: Life in the Age of Aquarius? Alright, I'm gonna try eating a page of new-age wordvomit. Wish me luck.
Out of all the things I've seen on the internet...
THIS
mlpchan.net/pic/src/1354208269441.png
Maybe an encyclopedia quesadilla could be one of her recipes.
mlpchan.net/pic/src/1345351191842.gif
The next area for biblio-cullinary experimentation: does subject matter influence flavour?
I do know that I find some reading material unpalatable.
A studious, determined and smart mare, with immense magical power, backed up by being the Element of magic, as well as years of personnel tutoring from Celestia herself since fillyhood...
And one of her most proud moments is learning how to eat books.
Residual chaos magic in the area? Is it like radiation, and now ponies are going to do strange things for the next milleniums?
2602997
If it did I think some would be horrible. The Twilight series for example, would be very bland. Autobiographies would vary from person to person. Huckleberry Finn would probably taste like huckleberries.
This story went very different from how I thought it would go. I guess Twilight is going to be a magical chef.
And somewhere out there, someone is putting this fic's ideas into practice.
Twilight should of diced some apples into the porridge and added some cinnamon with a pinch of salt...
What? It's just practical. Common sense really.
....
Not like I tried it or anything!
*Scroll, scroll, scroll...*
"Twilight Eats a Book"
...
*Click*
*Read...*
...
YES.
WHAT DID I JUST READ!?
...
...
wow.
2600655
Great, now I'm hungry.
Books contain glue.
Glue is made from horses.
Cannibals!
2603223or she could habe ditched the porridge and made a papier quiche lorraine
yum
2601888 Well, that tasted almost exactly like chopped up paper covered in Greek dressing, olives, and feta cheese.
2602668
This guy right here, killed me with those pictures. AREST HIM!
2606871
static2.fjcdn.com/comments/even+moar+_e28e2710c4173209de3b9619478a78f6.png
I'll get him! Come here you! *sounds of scuffling can be heard* He's getting away!
"Viva La Taco Town!"
i848.photobucket.com/albums/ab49/iamfilthy/taco_town.gif
"...and Books!"
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDIvMjMvMTVfNTFfMjlfOTIzXzI1Mjg1OV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfdHdpbGlnaHRfc3BhcmtsZS5wbmcucG5nIl1d/252859__safe_twilight-sparkle_fat_wat_book_books_eating_50fae11ea4c72d28a500018f.png.png
I love this. Have some internet Earthworm Jim Cows. Well Done.
Well, that was certainly, uh. A thing I read.
You caught my interest with the title.
I think this'n goes in my read later.
You should make this into a series or something XD
Twilight Sparkle's Culinary Adventure! lol
...I wonder, how bad could a book be if seasoned properly?
After this, Twilight continued her career in Book Cooking and opened up a fancy restaurant inside of Canterlot. Celestia was delighted by the gourmet and offered her the gift of being an alicorn.
dafuq did I just read
As absurd as the concept was the story was well written and it is funny. You did a great job with such an outlandish idea.
p.s. I just printed this out to see what it would taste like and it needed a bit more spice
2609333
Pun: Twilight's been cooking the books. Way to commit financial frauds.
2610087
That gives me some ideas for other titles for Twilight's book:
The Book Cook Cookbook
The Cookbook for Book Cooks
Cooking the Books with the Book Cook
The Book Cook Cooks the Books
TWILIGHT I WILL OPEN UP YOUR FLOOR AND EAT YOU FOR YOU CRIMES AGAINST LITERATURE!!!!!
just kidding, I loved it!
It took everything I had not to burst out laughing while reading this in the middle of the night. This will definitely rank amongst the zaniest stories that I've ever read. Though now I'm left with the same problem as a couple of other people and that's a strange craving for some of the dishes Twilight served up.
Why is one of the books German?
Help, I need an adult. This is ... I don't know what this is. I have never grinned so hard or maniacally, it made my head ache. How do you even come up with an idea like this? How does Twilight even come up with an idea like this? Her reaction to the idea alone is hilarious, let alone the subsequent experimentation. Of course her reaction to not being struck from the universe by pure shame would be to see just how far the rabbit hole could possibly go, and then write a book about it. I wonder if the book sales will double because everyone will need buy additional copies to cook with.
Why did I read this? Because.. uh, I wanted to try reading a story on FimFiction using Lynx, and this was somewhere on the front page. Strange methods of fiction consumption apparently lead to stranger methods of book consumption. Somehow. In the tenuous and slightly disturbed logic of my mind. Upvoted for being the funniest anything I've read this month.
2612421
Perhaps FiMFic should have an 'I feel lucky' button for those occasions where you feel like being served a random fic
Glad you found it and liked it
2611434
Also, it's a reference. Actually a reference to a reference
Because Pinkie
2615938
Sounds good
At first i was like
but then i was all like 
but THEN i was like 
...