There is beauty in the way of things.
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Life is filled with choices. There are the choices that we are proud of, the ones that help and are good. There are choices we regret, ones that had unforeseen consequences.
There are the choices that no one should ever have to face. Choices whose consequences would either damn you, or damn millions. Choices that change history. Choices that will stay with you until the day you die.
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Trapped in an endless loop she'll never escape. I hope she breaks free of the cycle eventually. Doubt it, though.
Although perhaps this next filly can cleanse Twilight's twisted soul as Luna was cleansed, and Celestia can get her back in some form. Things will never be the same, though. And the pattern shall repeat.
2484573 This is why you rule.
Excellent! The perfect one shot!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
C-could Y-you make a sequel. Please???
CAN YOU SAY NO TO THIS FACE!?!?? --->
Nope.
Cheap emotional tug. Not to mention, I feel like I've read this about a hundred times already. Twilight becoming super-powered and evil is one of the older cliches in the fandom. And it's rarely handled reasonably.
A radical character transformation like this needs time for development and a solid story to back it up. This just says Twilight became evil because (yawn) angst and emo over immortality. Now there's something I KNOW I've read hundreds of times already.
Come now, she only lived about 5,000 years by the time of this story. That's hardly immortality. You don't give Twilight enough credit. Discord was sitting in stone for a thousand and more years and behaved more rationally. Random chaos, yes. Bur certainly not wholesale slaughter of millions. That's such a poorly contrived act for the sake of shock value, it's without any impact for there's neither context nor internal rationale for it.
And the pointless addition of ancient demons more powerful than Discord? A useless plot device with no legitimacy. Had such things existed, they is no possible way they could have been stopped with only the Elements of Harmony. Why even bring them up? Why introduce a whole new class of unknown adversaries when this is supposed to be a one-shot personal battle?\
I find it also rather flawed that Celestia remains pure of heart through all of this. If anyone should be weakened in mind by immortal torments, it's her, after suffering so much. And yet she somehow is strong enough to continue on. If she can do so, then why not any others? It's a deep internal contradiction. If she feared Twilight's power so much, why did she make her an alicorn? There was no point to making that which she considered a danger immortal!
If this was what had led to Luna's fall, why did she repeat the mistake? If these dark and evil spells exist and Celestia knows them, why had she not created counters to them?
This story forces the readers to make far too many assumption and ignore too many questions of plausibility to elicit anything but a vague sense of discomfort in seeing two beloved characters once more dragged down into misery for no good reason.
2485361 I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. I guess I didn't make it clear enough that Twilight wasn't exactly herself. Your right that she wouldn't crumble like that, but I meant to show that she and Luna were corrupted and driven mad by their own power. I obviously didn't show that very well.
2485693 The simple 'corrupted by power' trope is a very weak cliche. There is always far more than just that behind it. A character does not become corrupt merely by gaining power. Even in the comics, those who become villains have something else to them: revenge, a lust for control, greed, jealousy. They seek the power for evil ends.
The corruption of a 'hero' figure takes more time because their intentions are good and noble. It is often nuanced and with with many false starts. Twilight is starting out as pure as one can get, with a mind of great intellect.
I do not believe that this Celestia, having made the mistake with Luna, would be so willing to take that risk again with a young mare. You have changed the terms and conditions of the characters' situations, thus their actions, Celestia's especially will be tempered with far more caution and suspicion.
There is the old adage 'once bitten, twice shy'. The traumatic events in this version of NMM's rebellion would quite strongly apply mental breaks to any notion of creating more alicorns. She would have been quite sure to discuss with Twilight the consequences of becoming immortal before simply proceeding.
There is the personality of the one who gains power to consider. For WHO they are affects WHAT they do and HOW they think.
You must ask the questions of how these characters will arrive at the destination you plan for them, and make sure their journey feels legitimate and true to who they are.
Ignoring the question of whether your premise is a valid one, I have four concerns raised by your execution, all of which stem from the basic problem that you can't just jump Twilight Sparkle forward a couple of centuries and assume everyone she knew is dead.
1. Luna seems to just drop out of the story somewhere around the time of Twilight's disappearance, and there's no stated reason for this despite her pretty much staying by Celestia's side up until then.
2. We know that real dragons live on a massively extended timescale, and if Spike is literally Twilight's creation (a bit of headcanon I did enjoy, by the way- it explains a lot about him not fitting into the larger pony/dragon relations established in other parts of the series) then that probably only serves to increase his potential lifespan. Where is he in all this?
3. Cadance and Shining Armor don't appear at all, despite their potentially massive roles in Twilight's emotional development.
4. Age spells are canon. This means the option for Twilight to keep her friends around indefinitely does exist and needs dealing with.
Admittedly 3 and 4 can be answered with "this was written before the end of season 2", but still.
Also I'd like to thank you for inspiring a really great idea that I have to write now.
2503583 Thank you for the constructive comment. I do see that this does have those problems. That was my mistake as some of those slipped my mind, Spike especially. I'm glad this could give you and idea to write and thank you for taking the time to read this and comment.
I've done some more thinking and I believe I've come to a decision about the premise. I don't think it matters what the reader thinks of what happened to Twilight Sparkle, in the end, because in the end the story turns out to be about something else- this new talent Celestia finds herself facing, and the question of what to do about it. When you get down to it, everything else is backdrop for that moment, and that moment is a classic philosophical quandary: would you kill Hitler (or Nightmare Moon) in his crib?
Celestia has every reason to believe this new filly will turn out like Luna did before her banishment, or like Twilight Sparkle did in the end- a monster so great that the Elements of Harmony cry out for her removal. And yet, to prevent that, can she throw away everything that might happen- all the possibilities that require her not to kill this innocent child? I'm sure she's gone over the problem of Twilight Sparkle again and again over the years and decades and centuries, but even an immortal has the option to refuse the question, to say "what's done is done" and stop thinking about something that makes them uncomfortable.
Until now.
And regardless of what you think of what happened to Twilight, that's still very interesting.
Thumbs up.
2505976 I love your comments! That was what I was trying to get to, though more eloquently spoken than I ever could say it. I'm glad that you read this and commented. You've given me some very helpful things to look at in this story. Thanks for you time. You rock.
Unfortunately this story didn't really sit well with me. It has a lot of head-cannon in It, and most of it I just don't agree with. I can't imagine Celestia even thinking about killing Twilight just because of what Nightmare Moon did. In this case you make Celestia into someone who only cares about Equestria and only cares about ruling her nation, doing everything in her power to I sure it thrives, even if it means killing fillies, and forcing everyone she loves away from her, that's not how I picture Celestia, and I feel that's not how the show pictures her either. I have always seen her as a loving mentor, teacher and ruler, not a ruler who only took in twilight to watch over her and make sure she doesn't become corrupt and destroy Equestria. Which brings me to the next part. Twilight gets corrupted way too easily in this, I've seen her throughout the show, and even in a terrible tragedy like this one she wouldn't become that bad. Sure she might be really sad and go slightly crazy, but she wouldn't spend nearly 5,000 years trying to kill herself, and then come back and mass murder a lot of ponies. Finally, where is Spike, Cadence, and Luna in all this? The way you have it makes it sound like it was up to Celestia, and Celestia alone to save Twilight from her immense sadness and eventually her corruption, but Celestia isn't alone. She has Luna who is good friends with Twilight, and even Cadence as well who the show has shown loves Twilight a lot. Then there's Spike, he's a dragon so he can live a long time and his close bond with Twilight would help her through the sadness of losing her friends, but you never even talk about him... in the end the story has a lot of interesting ideas, and is nicely written, but all the head cannon kills it for me, and in my case is completely unbelievable.
Finally, I have to agree with a lot of alondro's points as well. I probably stated a decent amount of his points in my rant, but Everything he said I agreed with aside from the cliche idea. Once again I just believe it's a problem with unbelievable head-cannon