MLP: My Son, the Crime Fighter

Squirt, a foal of Changeling Blood, hasn't got anyone to look after him, but Shinedown T. Mare has a plan: to adopt the kid and care for him. One problem: he doesn't know a thing about being a dad. Luckily his friends, from Twilight to Fluttershy to Rainbow Dash, DO know a thing or two about being parents...can they help him and Squirt, or will their own hang-ups end up hurting their efforts? Only time shall tell...

Appletini, Bookworm, Brainy, Drizzila, Jack N' Box, Marzipan, Precious are property of MagicMan001. Squirt, on the other hand, is my own creation, as is Shinedown and the "Sparkle Land" cast. All other characters belong to Lauren Faust, naturally.

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Themaskedferret

Themaskedferret #1 · Mar 6th, 2013 · 1 · ·

I'll be frank I couldn't even finish this fic. it's a really neat idea (Aged up mane , A police officer adopting a changeling child to keep him safe and they all go see a carnival) but it's so incredibly confusing I just quit. You randomly mention characters before introducing or even acknowledging them (Drizzilla and Brainy specifically) And you have so many characters running around with so little explanation it's incredibly hard to keep track of who's doing what. You should perhaps try splitting them up a bit and have some of them go one place and some go another place, that way you have less characters for the reader to keep track of.

As well they're not very well characterized. Here's what I know about Squirt. He loves Sparkle, that's it. I don't know what he looks like, if he cares for his adopted father, if he knows he's in danger, if he cares. Nothing. I know Precious likes music and curses a lot. I know Appletini goes to the fair every year and likes milkshakes. I know Brainy doesn't respect his mother's job. These seem like they're major characters in the fic and yet we know nothing about them besides their parentage.

I recommend checking out one of the editor groups on this site Looking for Editors Is a pretty active and solid group and is full of friendly folks who can really help this story become great.

Please know everything I say is meant to be helpful, not mean as I meant it when I said I really like the idea and want to see it improve. Nobody other than Mary-Sue's start out being perfect and everyone can benefit from an editor sometimes.