• Member Since 5th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen September 2nd


Avid writer and lover of other writers works as well. Working on trying to make videos for youtube but no video experience. Willing to help others if in power.


While fighting the witch named Aura an accidental spell sent me to a strange new world. This world was inhabited by talking ponies and even though they don't know me they still want to help me get back home...some even call me their friend. Do I trust what they say? In the end will thay still call me their friend when they find out what happened or who I really am? My name is Alan...and I was a human but now I'm a pony...

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 53 )

not the best i have ever read but better than most bigginers

2170253 ...Okay...first off thank you for even reading my first fim fic. seriously that means a lot to me. 2nd i also thank you for being my first review. 3rd i can only hope my writing will get better so that i can get another comment from you. this story was born from a plot bunny that refuses to die but i still take care of that bunny because Fluttershy demands it:fluttershysad: any way this comment to a comment was a little to long so i will say thank you again for the comment and i treat all my few readers with upmost respect. :twilightsmile:
hope to see you again in the future,

Ok. first off. Thumbs up, liking the story so far:twilightsmile:

Next thing, spelling :ajsleepy:
A lot of misspelled stuff. Some of it looks like just simple slip of the finger while typing(you have heary instead of heart.) while other or just plan spelled wrong(you have emidiately, its spelled immediately), and a lot of your I's or lowercase.
A few things I would suggest doing while writing is have a dictionary(or google) handy while writing, if your not 100% on a words spelling, look it up.
Second have someone pre-read your stuff before posting it, it really doesn't matter who, but i have found a second pair of eyes always helps when editing.

And lastly. Keep at it. Not bad for a first fic.

2244849 DAN56...THANKS FOR THE REVIEW AND THE FOLLOW!!! :pinkiehappy: It makes me insanely happy to have someone enjoy my story! Also i thank you for giving me great advice. Luna knows I need it...I hope you continue to read and review my story...this means a lot to me you know...anyway Thanks again and I hope I see you again! :twilightsmile:

I think you did a great job of potraing Applejack and Fluttershy now the biggest problem you can face is how are you going to portray the main character will he be really open:pinkiehappy: or closed off from the world:trixieshiftright: will he be a jerk:coolphoto: or a gentalcolt:moustache: will he be shy:fluttershyouch: or outright:ajsmug: etc.

2248152 *gasp!* :pinkiegasp: Origin! it's so nice to see you again! :twilightsmile: I didn't know you were still reading. Thanks for your continued reviewing of my story! to know that someone actualy is following the story is amazing! :fluttercry: I think i feel the emotions...:fluttercry: I have to admit though this chapter was a bit of a challenge. Before this i was going to make Alan meeting Applejack and Fluttershy two seprate events. I still have the original chapter on file somewhere too. I wound up rewriting this chapter four times! it wasn't untill i finaly just sat in front of the computer in the dead of night that i finally wrote a chapter i was okay with....i guess sleep deprivation is my muse :twilightsheepish: lol Anyway i should really get some sleep now. Thanks again!
Now ready to pass out

I really like this story so of course i'm going to follow it untill the end:trixieshiftleft: and "blushes" you were the first person to respond to me so just notice i will be following most storys you make for awhile I like to see new writers grow into the makers of other worlds:pinkiehappy:

now firstly i really like HiE stories for some reason, but i hear they get a lot of down votes (obviously not in your case) but my first story was an HiE and it has twise as many downvotes as it does upvotes as of now, hoping that those numbers switch soon, but i can only hope.:pinkiehappy:

secondly there arent very many mistakes i picked up on, the mistakes i did find are an easy fix: just copy paste your work into a word document, find everything that spell check caught, and post that instead. (example: door instead of doo):pinkiesmile:

and lastly will ditzy doo be in this story? when you typed 'doo' thats all i could think of.:derpytongue2:

2259783 Ahhhh! No! How could i miss that? Thanks for telling me though. You're a real life saver*could have said other things but thought of life savers :pinkiehappy: * I might consider putting ditzy doo in the story but i would have to check and see if her presence would keep with the flow of the story. I've done cameos before in other fanfics not related to this sight and people kinda didn't like me for doing that. There will be a time when I have the main story take a breather...maybe not now but soon...or I could just right a whole one shot with her :derpyderp1: .
Anyway thanks bunches for the review and I hope you keep reading...BTW I have heard lotsa people like my latest chapter...sooo yeah :twilightsmile:

i never said i didnt like your story, and your welcome, i did see some other things too but like i said, put it in word and spell check should pick it up.:pinkiesmile: you dont have to put ditzy in, but she is my fav pony, cus shes just like me:derpytongue2:, though im not as clumsy as she is.:ajsmug:. but still, love the story, keep on it, and youll get better with time!:pinkiehappy:

"gasp":pinkiegasp: This Chapter gives so many wonerful options that even i can count them all:pinkiehappy: now the hardest part of this story is how are you going to give us the backround for alan is it going to come slowly over time some events triggering memorys or fast in dream(s) that will give as much backround as you want us to know

so, the first thing i noticed was the 8 mistakes i found, the second i noticed was that voice in his head, what is that? is it like some form of multy personality disorder, or just an inner conciens or is it just him thinking bad thoughts. i also noticed that it said they were the same pony, yet they kept refering to it as somepony different. nothing about that last part is bad, i just was wondering.:pinkiehappy:
ill post another comment on the few mistakes i found.:pinkiehappy:

2292557 Well Alan has had a rough past growing up thinking he was cursed to have all of his friends leave him when ever he though he made any. The voice is basicaly him thinking those thoughts, yes i know it makes him seem crazy but then again he did just become a talking pony in about a day so...:moustache: ...in the next chapter i will be revealing the main reason for Alan's being in Equestria...the chapter will reveal a little more about himself if that helps too. Anyway thanks for the review and please tell me the mistakes so i can fix them straight away. :twilightsmile:

2292508 Origin! :twilightsmile: yay! it's always a pleasure to see you again, really it is! Well the whole plot is focussed around this one memory so i thought i'd leave it with that but you just gave me an idea or two. there are a few things i could explain about Alan's personality through memories though they may be more like psychological wounds. then again i'm really trying to keep the angst as far away from the story as possible *lolz* :raritywink: Well the next chapter is just about done and at least this time won't take that long to post. i must warn you though, since it's a dream it might not be teribly long compared to my other chapters *and they were pretty short you know* :rainbowderp:

thanks for clearin that up for me, i got a little sidetracked yesterday and forgot to post the mistakes. here they are:
paragraph 1, forgot the closing quotation mark.
paragraph 35, same

im pathetic, i saw some more the first time around but couldnt see them this time... maybe im thinking of other chapters... oh well:derpytongue2: good job on the story though.:twilightsmile:

>>ElementOfHope well short or not i find dream scenes tend to clear up a lot about anypony this could be a story for the ages also I wanted to mention a favorite fimfiction called http://www.fimfiction.net/story/72177/1/balance-of-the-mind-and-body/chapter-1-the-beginning paste that and you can read the first chapter i thought you might like it though you may already be reading it and yours is in my top 3 with this one though there are four "GASP":pinkiegasp: that means theres a tie i wonder which two those could be "wink":trollestia: "wink":trollestia:

No you dont get to put yourself down the only poeple who are suppose to try(key word is "try") to do that are insucure little @%#$& nowon to a better note great chapter and if you need any help just ask.

2492526 Origin...you have a way of putting things in a way that i must hire a person to translate them. please save me some money and explain what you mean okay? :pinkiesmile:

i think this chapter was ok, i found a ton of little mistakes, but other than that it was great. really! it just looks like you wrote the entire thing in a hurry, slow down and reread it a few times, that should fix the problems i see.:pinkiehappy:

over all great story so far, looking foreward to the future!:twilightsmile:

What should i do?

Capitalize. :twilightsmile:

2626800 huh...I did not notice that...thanks!:twilightsmile: could you please specify where though?

The short description.

Woo hoo!

So I'm enjoying this so far. :pinkiehappy: Here's a few critiques having only just finished chapter 3, loving the conversations, so far the characters are quite well represented (though flutters was a little forward quite randomly, but she does do that on occation so it can slide).

I would also say at this juncture that the descriptions need to be ramped up. My only complaint thus far is that the descriptions read like they are hurried or incomplete, but this can be fixed easily by simply making them longer. We'll keep reading and see what happens! :twilightsmile:

2690808 DELETH! It is so awesome to here from you! Thanks for the review and I am very happy you like it so far!:twilightsmile: gosh you have no idea how happy I am right now!:pinkiehappy: I thank you very much for the review and I will work on that. Actually the chapter I am working on seemed to have that same problem so I scrapped it and started to use it as a guide for the scene. I have been told that my discriptions could use work but know I think I see what you and everyone else are saying. Thanks again for your honest review and I really hope you like the other chapters. Update might take a while since I recently got out of the hospital though. See you laters. -ElementOfHope

:duck:hoo boy...I cannot brain this chapter :derpytongue2: But it is not a lost cause

Firstly: Pacing, It jumped about like a jackrabbit on crack. I know a thing or two about pacing because I've screwed the pooch myself before. Even on this site if you recall. :raritywink: Good news is, pacing can be fixed simply by adding more content, bad news is you have to come up with more content. :raritystarry: Double edged sword that.

Secondly: Show, don't tell as much as possible. That's how pros do it, that's how Fanfic writers should do it. Example:

We walked inside Applejack's house. It had a very warm and welcoming feel to it. As we walked down the hallway I spotted something out of the corner of my eye but every time I turned my head It seemed to move to the other side. This went on for a while which quickly made me dizzy.

Okay, not bad, But summarizing the Apple farmstead as 'warm and welcoming' I don't think does it justice, but it could read like this:

As we walked into Applejack's home I immediately noticed the pictures of foals, stallions and mares who looked familiar, though I didn't know them. To once side was a quaint country kitchen complete with tea kettle on the stove and to the other was a well used living room, complete with a worn, but comfy looking sofa. As we walked, however, I kept catching something in the corner of my eye but when I turned to see what it was, it was suddenly on the other side making my head feel dizzy from trying to follow it.

This is just a suggestion rather than me telling you "DO IT THIS WAY" so please keep that in mind.

On the plus side though, the conversations are marvelous. :pinkiehappy:

That's all I can read tonight, please don't hate me. :twilightoops:

2691380 I do not blame you. To be honest that part of the chapter was a little difficult to write because I'm a little hazy on weather to call Applejack 's home a house or a farm type...thing. but I really like how you described it!....(might have to even steal it.).....anyway I see what you are saying and I hope you at least read to where I left off....if that's okay with you:fluttershysad:

I'm probly going to read this in a bit. But before I do, I feel it necessary to point out that this needs a human tag. Even if Alan isn't a human, he was originally. Ergo, the story needs a human tag. I'll read through this in a bit and comment again with some feedback.

2747938 Thank you for that. Didn't know but now I do!

*Ahh! should be replaced with something like "" I screamed and then ______""" or something of the like.
*30, when spoken should be Thirty.

Other than that, solid chapter overall.


Okay caught up to where you are.

Some little mistakes in this, but nothing major. yay!

Keep u the good work, and write more!.

Added favorite as a "to-read". Looks interesting (If a bit of a confusing description).

2765200if at all possible could you think of a better one? Was never good at stuff like that

Having not read the story yet. (still) how about.

While fighting an old enemy a magical spell sent me to a different world. The weirdest thing? That world was inhabited by ponies. Talking, sentient, PONIES! Some even call me their friend. Do I trust what they say? Will they still want to call me a freind when they find out what I have done, and who I really am? My name is Alan. And now I'm a pony.

Does that work better?

2800681 sounds pretty good. Might have to use it. Would you mind if I did?

Yeah, go ahead!

Well,aside from the mistakes I'm seeing in the chapters,It's good so far :derpytongue2:

2872788 Thank you very much! love to hear from readers! I hope you enjoyed it:twilightsmile:


You're welcome,and I did :ajsmug:

is it just me, or does it sorta end in the middle of a sentence?:rainbowhuh:

3070898 I have no idea what you are talking about:twilightsmile: *looks at editor* (why didn't you say anything!)

it's quite alright, i have some derps worse than that :twilightblush: all i want to know is what happens next! cant wait, and i forgot how good this story is so far!:rainbowkiss:

Hmmm, I wonder if the emergency and the ponified human are related... :scootangel:

Its a bit odd to me to see two different First Pony views in the same chapter.
it took me a moment to figure out the chapter opening was Rarity and not the main character.

If you intend to keep it like this instead of making Alan the only one speaking FPV, you might want to seperate the two different viewpoints a bit more by having something pointing that out up at the top of each section rather than further in. I'm not asking for Chat-RP subtitles, but up-front hints like;
"Oh no, please don't tell me I'm catching a cold. I am Rarity! I am too refined for a *ugh* common cold!..." I said waiting outside of the regal palace doors. "I do hope Twilight isn't going to be much longer, I really wanted to do some window shopping while we are in Canterlot."


I looked over the note over and over again but every time I would read it all I would see are the words, "Alan, You are not going back."

3080515 Dear lord! seriously only now have i just recieved these two comments. i wonder if my page is glitching or something. As for my reply to your comment...i hear what you say about making the speaker more clear to the reader an i thank you for the examples. it really helps out a lot!
thanks for the comment! :yay:

me likes. the only thing i have a problem with is how AJ knew the trains timetables without looking it up or something. why would AJ know when the train leaves? is she planning to escape? is she worried somepony else will escape? is she just paranoid like that?!?!?! :ajsleepy:

(sorry AJ)

but that's all i got. great otherwise and just keep writin'! i love reading new things just as much as Pinkie loves meeting new ponies/people/gryphons/dragons/animals/etc.!!


:facehoof: god, i hate myself

3543725 All right! This should sound a little better. And I am so glad to hear from you! Thanks for your continued support :twilightsmile:


this is great! :pinkiehappy: i love making a difference in peoples stories and lives, it makes me all fuzzy inside. :eeyup: well, can't wait till the next chapter! and i'll be sure to comment on as many chapters as i can from here on out.


(pst.... pssssst!... yeah, you! reader of this comment! :facehoof: yes! you! with the eyeballs pointed in these words general direction!! i want to ask a favor of you! can you please--)

just ignore that. :twilightblush: he gets a little whacky sometimes.

:facehoof:god i hate myself even more.

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