All the young colt ever wanted was friends but somtimes things life and time can change things. Writen in a book by the young colt, now a stalion who has to face the world.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 5th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 20th, 2023
ElementOfHope
Avid writer and lover of other writers works as well. Working on trying to make videos for youtube but no video experience. Willing to help others if in power.
ElementOfHope
Joined 5th Feb, 2013 ·
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Well, the story is ok, but I have a few criticisms.
-Grammar and Spelling errors. Need to fix this as these kinds of things really ruin the immersion when the reader is reading a story.
-Pacing is too fast. We never got to see an example of the colt and filly's friendship, meaning we had to assume that they were good friends. This is where the term "show, don't tell" comes in. When writing a story, don't just state things. Actually show things happening. For example, you could have put more depth on the friendship between the two ponies so we would care about them much more.
This next issue is more of a personal issue, but it still relates to my second criticism. The ending did not make any sense. I thought you said earlier that they were very good friends, yet she broke her promise and didn't really want to be friends. I understand you wanted to make this scene sad, but because I had never seen many examples of their friendship, I didn't care that she didn't want to be his friend anymore. Why would a reader get sad over seeing something lost that they never saw with their own eyes? Also, the ending was really depressing and unsatisfying. You should put tragedy in the genre tags.
2524548 Dear reader, I am ver glad that you took time out of your day to wright an honest review of my story. I will take everything you said into consideration. truth be told I did want this to have a better ending but that is just how life is. This was a story writen by the stalion and it was writen so that it would be easy to understand. Or at least i tried to write it that way. The stalion's character is actualy from another project I was working on and in a way this was sort of a test. Anyway I've been rambling way too long. Thanks again for the review and I hope to see you again In the future.
-ElementOfHope
2526351
Glad I could help. Please don't think I was being mean though. I want to help you with this story. I recommend finding a good editor for your story and going back in and put some more depth on the relationship between the two characters. And also put a bit more depth on the ending. These two factors could help the story a lot.
Ehh... It was okay..
2786834 well I didn't mean this story. I meant the better one with more chapters and likes
2791553 I know just ran into this story and decided to read it...
Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this.
I like the idea of this story. Execution is key, though. It's not enough to just tell what happened, but you have to paint a picture for the reader, as cliché as that sounds. This story could be much longer, and even drawn out into several chapters, but because it's several years condensed into about 1,500 words, it's a little awkward and poor paced.
That being said....I truly believe this story would be successful as multiple chapters, each part of the story, beginning middle, and end, into its own segment. That way the reader would get drawn in and feel connected to the characters. You already have the materials needed to make this story work, and the relationships between the characters feels genuine, and all that is needed is maybe some background information and depth to the characters. So far though, I really like how each character is, and all that is needed is just depth.
Spelling and grammar could have been a little better, but it really doesn't ruin a story too badly. Just a couple misspelled and awkwardly placed words.
If you want, I can help you edit? I'd be more than happy to.
So far, so good! I'm going to read the other story later.
2928008
yes and I'm glad you red this story but my other story is much better in my opinion. Can't quite remember if you red it though. If not please do