End of a dream (Revised)
Day 4
Evening
After they finished lunch, Spike and Twilight spent most of the evening having fun. Twilight really only had word games, so they played those, as well as memory and thinking games. Twilight did well, but Spike surprised her on a few occasions.
They also found some party games Pinkie had forgotten at the library last time they had a party here. However, since they were Pinkie’s, they had been for groups larger than just a pony and a dragon, so they put those aside to return later.
As evening rolled around, the rain had started. Twilight and Spike didn't notice until a rather loud crack of thunder interrupted a game of Twenty Questions. "I knew the pegasus ponies had planned some storm, I just didn't think it was going to be this bad." Spike said as he went to the window and looked outside.
"Rainbow Dash said it was supposed to be heavy showers. I guess they overdid it." Twilight mused as she joined Spike at the window, and watched as another heavy streak of lightning rippled across the clouds, followed quickly by the roar of thunder. She felt a tingle run down her back from the sound. It wasn't that she was scared, but it made her feel uneasy. "So Spike, what do you want to do now?" Twilight asked as she tried to get her mind off of the storm.
Spike looked up at Twilight then heard a rumble, this time from both of their stomachs and not from the storm outside. "I would say that answers that." Spike said with a sheepish smile. They had both been preoccupied with the games that neither had noticed how late it had gotten.
Twilight cheeks reddened softly and she nodded to him with a smile. "I guess it does, Spike." Twilight replied with a nod and walked with him to the kitchen. She let Spike work on dinner, some pasta with a vegetarian sauce and fresh multi-grain bread. She decided to make a cup of that special tea Rarity gave her to calm her nerves a little.
Spike finished preparing the dinner for the two and sat it on the table. She came to the table with her tea and joined him as he fixed both of them a plate. "As always Spike, it smells great." Twilight smiled at him and took a sip of the tea; it had a nice smooth flavor to it. She couldn't quiet place what it was but it was familiar. Reminded her of green tea, but with something extra mixed in.
"Thanks Twilight," Spike said and smiled at the praise. Both of them ate in silence for a few minutes before Spike spoke up. "So what were you thinking about?" He asked, when he noticed the confused look from Twilight he clarified "In our game of 20 questions, that is."
"Oh that," she gave a soft giggle and smiled at him. "My book stand," She answered with a nod. She had almost forgotten about the game, as she had been lost in thought about the flavor of the tea. She took another sip of it as she looked over at Spike.
Spike chuckled at her; he had been way off with his guesses. "You’re good at that game Twilight, I was going for the telescope." Spike said as he finished his plate and took it over to the sink. He went back and joined her at the table. Since she hadn't been studying, today he had little in the way of chores to do.
"Thanks Spike, I do try to come up with easy stuff to guess," she smiles at him. She had been eating more slowly and sipping her tea. "But not many ponies seem to be able to guess it. Not even when Applejack and Rarity had the sleep over here." She thought for a minute, "Come to think of it, last time I played 20 questions was during a storm too. That time it was the telescope though."
Spike nodded and smiled, "I remember hearing about the sleep over. Too bad I was away on business in Canterlot. Sounds like you guys had a lot of fun, all things considered." Spike said. Twilight had told him about that night, during most of which Applejack and Rarity had argued about their differences. "Glad things worked out in the end for those two." He added.
"Yes, that was a fun night after everything got settled." Twilight said as she smiled at Spike then over at one of the little statues Rarity had made of the tree branch that came through the window. She had kept one of them and gave the rest of them to her friends. "Those two can be so different, but so similar at the same time." She said more to herself than to Spike.
After dinner, when everything had been cleaned up, Twilight went back to the main hall with her tea and took a seat near a window, slowly sipping the tea as she watched the skies quietly. She watched the lightning dance across the clouds. She seemed rather distracted by something on her mind, so Spike left her alone for now. He went to do a little cleaning up around the library, making sure everything had been put away.
Twilight had been lost in thought, her mind wandered on things that had happen since she come to Ponyville and all her friends she had made. Even the three little fillies, The Cutie Mark Crusaders. She smiled and thought about the three, so full of energy and potential. She took another sip of her tea, and finished off the glass. She sat it on a small table near her, then looked at the clock and noticed how late it had gotten. With the cloudy sky, it was hard to keep track of what time it was by the position of the sun or the moon and stars. She moved to get up. "I'm heading to bed Spike," she told him as she made her way up the stairs.
"Alright Twilight, sleep well." He replied as he picked up her empty cup and went to the kitchen to finish the last of his chores., "Sweet dreams, Twilight. You could use them." He said quietly to himself, he hoped his plan worked as well as Rarity's tea. Once his chores had been finished, he turned out the lights and went upstairs. He didn't go to bed though, he went and sat by the window, half watching Twilight, half watching the storm outside. He wanted to be awake incase Twilight had another nightmare.
Twilight wasn't sure how long she had waited in the holding cell. There were no windows to look out; the only light came from a lantern hanging from the roof. She tried to keep track in her mind but after a couple of hours, she lost count. She sighed softly and paced around the room quietly. She did know she had been here long enough for them to bring her something to eat. Some hay, bread, an apple, and a cup of water.
Though she wasn't very hungry so she just drank the water and waited until they took the tray away. She started to count again and about an hour after they took the tray back, the guards opened the door to her cell and let her out. She carefully left the room and looked at the guards. Unicorns, horns seemed constantly at the ready. She herself still had the clamp on her horn to keep her magic locked.
"Follow us, don't even try to run." One of the unicorns said firmly and Twilight nodded. The guards escorted her down the hallway. After a few minutes of walking, she started to recognize where they were going: Princess Celestia's Throne room. She gulped and started to shiver a bit, fear running down her spine. She knew this couldn't be a good sign.
As much as she wanted to talk to a friend, she knew prisoners going to the throne room didn't end well. She might have been Celestia's prized student and a friend of hers, but that didn't excuse her from Equestrian law or punishment.
Twilight took a deep breath as the doors to the large throne room opened. She saw ponies had filled the audience chamber, pegasi hovering high overhead. In addition, all of them watching her as she entered with the four unicorn guards around her. She walked slowly forward, the royal guards cutting a pathway through the crowd.
She kept her eyes focused straight ahead so she wouldn't have to see the other ponies. She was scared of seeing her parents, her brother, or her friends in the crowd. Afraid to see the look of disappointment or judgment in their eyes at what she had done. She raised her head and looked forward. Standing on the daïs in front of their thrones were Celestia and Luna. Both looked on as she came forward and lowered herself in a deep bow.
"We demand silence in the court!" Luna said, in her booming royal Canterlot voice. The room instantly fell into dead silence and all the ponies gathered now stared straight ahead and paid attention to Luna as she continued. "Rise Twilight Sparkle, stand and face your judgment!" Her voice still booming in the royal Canterlot voice, ensuring that everypony present heard their princess’s voice loud and clear.
Twilight shivered but did as she was commanded. She got up onto her hooves and looked up at the princesses. Her sadness and fear still present inside her. Luna kept her stern expression as she looked back down at Twilight, but even she couldn't hide the regret in her light cyan eyes.
Celestia was harder to read. Twilight had known her most of her life, but if she wanted to, the princess could hide her emotions very well. "Twilight Sparkle, the royal court of Canterlot has found you guilty of murdering your assistant, burning the library, assaulting royal guards, and evading capture." Celestia spoke her eyes on Twilight as she did. Her voice loud and clear, but soft as well. She didn't use the royal Canterlot voice as Luna did, she didn't have to.
Twilight felt dread over take her as Celestia continued to speak. "These actions, even if they had started with a simple accident, cannot be overlooked, not even by me. So it is with deep regret and a heavy heart that I must pass my judgment on you, my once faithful student." Celestia said and raised her head to look out at the ponies gathered in the throne room.
Twilight could see the emotions Celestia had been hiding start to surface, a look of both disappoint and sadness as her former teacher, and presently, her judge, found her guilty. The look of disappoint stung Twilight hard. The last thing she wanted to do in her life was to disappoint her mentor.
"Twilight Sparkle, you are to be stripped of your magic, and sentenced to living out the rest of your days in Canterlot's prison as a hornless unicorn." Celestia said that as she clapped her hoof loudly on a piece of wood signifying that she had finished passing judgment. Twilight's eyes went wide in horror, she had heard rumors of unicorns being stripped of their magic and losing their horns. The prospect terrified her, and her heart started to race in her chest.
The gathered crowd gasped and a handful from Ponyville started to cry when they heard the sentence. Twilight could hear Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity crying and looked over. She felt tears roll down her cheek when she saw her friends gathered with her parents, her brother Shining Armor, and his wife Princess Cadence.
Twilight looked back up at Celestia and took a deep breath; Celestia spread her wings wide and lowered her horn towards Twilight. A beam of magic leaped from Celestia's horn into Twilight’s which sent an intense pain through her head and down into her body, the magic gripped her body and raised her up off the ground. She opened her mouth to let out a cry of pain, but she couldn't find her voice.
Twilight felt like she was in the grip of Celestia's magic for an eternity, pain coursing through her head. In reality however, it had only been about three minutes before she was back on the ground, lying on her side. A light wisp of smoke coming off her, and for a moment it looked like she was dead. Fluttershy had fainted and Rarity was by her side, attempting to awaken the pegasus. A few guards had to stop Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Shining Armor from rushing to Twilight’s side.
After a few moments, Twilight shifted and slowly got to her hooves, a little unsteady at first. The crowd all gasped when they saw her. Her horn was gone, replaced with a small patch of gray fur; her cutie mark had also disappeared, also replaced with just a patch of gray fur. Twilight looked up towards Celestia who looked back at her, with a sad look before she turned and quietly left the throne room. Luna raised her head and spoke in her loud Canterlot Royal Voice. "Court dismissed!" the sentence punctuated by a deafening crack of thunder.
The four unicorn guards approached Twilight and led her away from the court. She still felt woozy and her head hurt so bad it made her vision a little blurry. She caught sight of herself in a shiny piece of decoration in the throne room and shuddered, for the first time she could see that her horn was gone as well as her cutie mark, the thing that made her special. Fresh tears slowly rolled down her cheeks as the guards took her back down the hall to her holding cell to wait before being transferred to the prison.
After they reached the holding cell, she went inside without any protest and the door closed. She went over to a pile of hay and curled up on it. She felt defeated and her headache was bad. She just wanted to sleep now. As she let her emotions overtake her, she finally broke down into sobs of pain and sadness. She turned her head to look at the gray patch where her cutie mark had been before she flopped her head back down and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry everypony... I'm so, so sorry.... I let you all down... Spike... forgive me."
A loud crash of thunder caused her to jump to her hooves and look around. However, she wasn't in her cell, she stood in nothingness. She looked around a bit more as she grew confused before she could see herself. She almost thought she had been looking in a mirror but then she saw her horn and cutie mark. She remembered she didn't have either anymore, and for some reason, the horned version of herself seemed to be taller than she was.
The horned Twilight had a wide-eyed look as she found herself looking at the smaller, hornless and cutie mark-less version of herself. She slowly walked around the hornless version of herself and looked her over before stopping and she stood in front of her. "I think... I understand now. The dreams, and the uneasy feelings," Horned Twilight said as she looked at her hornless counterpart.
"Am... I dreaming?" Hornless Twilight asked the other quietly her mind still feeling foggy and hurt from being stripped of her horn. She watched the horned version of herself shake her head as she came over to stand in front of her. Moving a hoof up to gentle rub the front of her head easing the pain away just a little before setting the hoof back down.
Horned Twilight took a deep breath and closed her eyes before shaking her head slowly. "No, you're not dreaming, I am. And it's time to end this dream." She said as lowered her horn, the tip started to glow as she touched it to her forehead where hornless Twilight's horn use to be. A soft warm glow started to cover both of them.
Out of the shadows, a pair of soft cyan blue eyes watched. Luna's horn glowing light cobalt as she worked her own magic, hornless Twilight faded away and disappeared, leaving only a light ripple of magic. Horned Twilight opens her eyes and sighed softly. As she looked around she spotted Princess Luna as she came out of the shadows.
Princess Luna made her way from the shadows over to Twilight and looked down at Twilight who was bowing. "Twilight Sparkle, no need to bow to me. I am not the princess you know." Luna said her voice soft and normal since she had no need to use the royal Canterlot voice here.
Twilight stood and looked up at Luna, "What do you mean Princess Luna? Are, you from the same timeline as the other me?" She asked a little confused but Luna nodded her head to confirm what she thought. "Will, she be alright?" Twilight asked a few tears threaten to roll down her cheeks.
"Do not worry Twilight Sparkle, she will be just fine. Provided you take good care of her." Luna said with a kind smile as she saw Twilight grow slightly more confused at the statement. "Let us explain and you will understand. After the trial, I found my sister in grief over her actions." Luna said as she started to explain.
"We talked it over and thought it for the best that she starts a new life. While dream-walking I felt your presence and I knew what must be done. The world of dreams is much different than ponies think. It can connect different timelines together, not unlike a spider's web." Luna said and Twilight nodded as she considered this information on dreams before hearing Luna speak again. "I used my powers to bring you both to this central location. Though to bring our Twilight here in a physical form, I had to turn her into a filly. I allowed you two to meet first, then when you went to remove the connection you had due to the experiment, I used my power to send her to your timeline." Luna said as finished explaining what happen.
"What is going to happen to her in my world? Where will I be able to find her?" Twilight asked a look of concern on her face now at the thought of a young, hornless Twilight now in her timeline. "She must be confused, lost, and scared." She continued tears now freely flowing down her cheeks.
"Calm yourself Twilight Sparkle, do not worry I arranged it with your Princess Luna. She will be taken care of, things will be explained to her, and she will be guided to you in Ponyville. Now you must go to your dream world, and be at peace." Luna said dipping her horn down, it started to glow and a bright flash of light blinded Twilight for a moment.
Twilight slowly opened her eyes and sat up in her bed she looked around, she could feel tears still rolling down her cheeks but she smiled softly. She quietly got out of bed and made her way into the bathroom to wash off her face and look at herself in the mirror. Her horn still in place, she turned and saw her cutie mark. She gave her reflection a sad smile.
"Good bye, Twilight." She said softly to her hornless counterpart. She got herself a drink of water before she made her way to her bed, and paused near Spike's basket. When she didn't see him there, she looked around quietly before she saw him on the windowsill curled up asleep. She gave him a smile and rolled her eyes lightly.
"Oh Spike, you'll catch a cold sleeping there." She said softly, used her magic to move him gently from the window to his bed, and covered him up. She leaned down and kissed him softly on the forehead, to which even in his sleep, he made a face. She smiled at him again.
She went back to bed and curled up under the covers, she closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep. This time her dreams were peaceful and pleasant. She didn't have any more bad dreams, just her normal happy dreams of spending time with her kind, generous, honest, loyal, happy friends.
One dream did stick out though, of a small purple filly with gray patches of fur on her flank being removed from a cell in the Canterlot dungeon by Princess Luna, and taken to a suite in the Canterlot Royal palace and where she was allowed to recover as Luna explained things to her. Nevertheless, the dream was vague and when she awoke, she couldn't remember too much about it.
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Ouch! Twilight has the worst dreams.
This story was... okay, I'd say. I couldn't really find much to say about the previous chapters because there isn't much progression - I didn't get the sense that the story was building up to anything. The ending was interesting, although it raises more questions than it answers. :) Still, it's a reasonable start, and you should certainly write more! I feel you have the beginnings of an interesting premise here. :)
2005027
Thanks for the honest feed back.
This is actually the first time I tried writing a story, I am working on a new story though, trying to take my time with it though and make it better then this one. The new one is a follow up on this one. Try to answer some of the questions this one left.
2187874
Great
Thanks, I'm glad ya think it's better. Not sure if I can hammer out all the grammer and spelling errors. Neither was my best subject in school.. >.> Special Ed to be honest <.< But I'll do my best to get as many of them as I can 
I'll get to work soon on the rest of the chapters.
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors...
I just finished your story, and I wanted to start off by saying that I really enjoyed the mystery and the whole bittersweetness of this piece. I really wished there was more to read, but this made for a quick, memorable, and concise read.
Pros:
1. Great Characterization. The vast majority of the characters here (Twilight, Spike, and rest of the main 6) were all very accurate and true to their show counterparts. Especially their dialogue, I felt it was really quite strong and believable, while at the same time you explore them in ways that the show has not.
2. Immersion. Although every fic can arguably use more immersive details, I felt very well "grounded" while reading this fic, and I could visualize the world quite clearly, especially the library.
3. Bittersweet. I mentioned this above, but this piece delivers on its Sad and Slice of Life tags, but goes the extra step and leaves just as much room for hope and compassion. It's much more bittersweet than Sad, and I like that.
Cons:
1. Grammar. I know there's a section for grammar I'm supposed to use, but there's a lot of missing words and improperly attributed dialogue that I felt really broke immersion. Luckily, it's a quick fix, and one that just takes a careful eye to read through it.
2. Conflict. I was sold on this fic by chapter 3, and when I reached it I quickly read through the rest and started planning out my review, but I felt that the first two chapters weren't doing their part for the rest of the story. I felt like Twilight's motive wasn't super strong in the first two chapters, like she was mainly just reacting to what was happening to her without actively trying to implement change on her part. Giving her more to do and a stronger sense of purpose (such as fleshing out her direction a bit more) in the earlier chapters would really help.
3. I'm a little confused by the ending, and not that I'm suggesting that you change it or omit things, but I wanted the alternate reality stuff to be more worked into the story as a whole, and more warning (enough so I could see it as the next logical step) about the exact nature of what was going on. It's the piece's toughest selling point, and easing the reader into it a bit more will really help bring the fic together as a whole.
Notes: overall this is a fantastic fic that explores its premise and its characters in a unique, and creative way.
Namaste and thank you for the read!
2254354
Well, I did start a kinda squeal to this, Starbloom Chronicles, though I have writers block for the current chapter I'm working on.
Thanks, glad you like that. The library is a main fixture in Twilight's life. There is a lot in the show, but little is shown on how she uses the general space, other then reading. So it did leave a lot of room to play around with how she uses the space.
I actually retagged the story after I did my revision, I had it listed as dark. But after reading the guide lines, I removed the Dark tag, since Sad fit better.
Yea, grammar is one thing I do have a lot of trouble with. My mom has helped some, but she mostly looked for misspelled words, I really don't have to many people I know that can help with a good grammar check and the automated program I got isn't that great. But it does help some.
Hmm that's something I'll have to think over and work on. Though, do you mean "Prime" or "Alt\Dream" Twilight was reacting to what was happening?
Yea I know what you mean, is the reason I did the revision the first time around. I'm not to sure how I could give more warning though, I can think of was to explain the alternate reality more, towards the end and in my second story I do explain a bit more about it. Though the second story needs a massive revision as well.
Thank you for the read through and the honest review. Given me a lot to think about and go over. Also thanks for suggesting your story. I read through it and I enjoyed it, I do hope you can get the new chapters out soon as everything settles down. I know you said you had stuff going on until the 22nd if I remember right.
I think solocitizen pretty much nailed my feelings on this fanfic. Adding to Twilight's Library.
2517326
You should check out Solocitizen fic "Awakening " it's amazing.
Thank you for adding it to the Library.
I would of gotten to your message sooner. But my computer decided it was time for a full format and reinstall.
2748904 Hehe,
yea, thats one of the common mistakes I make. I need to take the time to go over this one, and find all the mistakes like that.
I'd like to point out the massive punctuation mistakes, as you really need to work on it. You have all kinds of problems in that area, ranging from missing marks to outright incorrect punctuation.
2768337 Yea I know
I'm trying to get better at it.
2768348
Just get familiar with comma and period placement first. I've seen good stories where misplaced periods or commas were the most frequent mistake among the punctuation.
2864763 Yea, there are some are some grammar some mistakes, but glad your enjoying the story.
YBG - So Celestia...
C: Ugh, what do you want?
YBG: Ponies want to know what your backup plan is.
C: My what?
YBG: A backup plan. You obviously must have one. I mean, you just put the element of magic through the fastest trial in history, didn't allow her to defend herself or at least have enough time to calm down from extreme emotional turmoil.
C: Well, I-
YBG: I mean there's no way that you would take magic away from the element of magic and put her into a cell for the rest of her life where she will most likely commit suicide due to major losses, without thinking about what would happen to the elements.
C:...
YBG:...No backup plan? You just did what no villain could do, by utterly decimating the elements of harmony, destroying Equestrias last and most powerful line of defence and successfully ruining any chance for your student, whom had helped save Equestria a few times, to return to her life in any form of the word, and you didn't have a backup plan?
C:...
YBG: Dumbass. I bet Luna's got a better idea than you.
Yeah, that pretty much sums up my thoughts on this ending. I mean for fucks sake, life imprisonment and the most extreme physical punishment possible for a unicorn outside of the death penalty for an accident?
Yeah she attacked the guards but anyone who knows some psychology understands that's not all that surprising and to and extent, excusable.
The guards and the punishment all seem to scream that everyone thinks she purposefully killed Spike and is nothing but a murderer.
Overall, though I did thoroughly enjoy the sequel this ending, to me, is the pits and an utter failure of common sense for Celestia.
Not trying to be a dick (It just kinda happens.) Just pointing out my strongest problem with the story.
2964389 Really not to sure how to address this, your issues themselves have merit I admit.
The quick trail could be addressed by the fact it's a matriarchal style of government in a land with low crime.
As for the rest, what happens with the Elements of Harmony, and the harshness of the punishment. I'm not sure how to address that, since I never considered any of it when I wrote the story.
2966683
No, just no, the ending doesn't even remotely work. First off, she's convicted for murdering Spike, Spike's death was accidental. Life in prison for accidental death? A bit excessive, but somewhat understandable considering what you said. Physical punishment in the form of de-horning her? Life in prison not enough? You had to completely destroy her?
I can understand why you did that (you needed her as a filly without horn for the sequel), but there would have been better ways to go about it.
For example, you could have had Celestia give her a prison sentence, but Twilight being so devastated over Spike's death, that she can't live with her magic anymore, due it being the cause she lost Spike. And then, after having had some time to reflect things, asking Celestia to rid her of her magic.
3780406 Actually, the sequel wasn't even an idea when I came up with this story. I believe when I doing this one, I had the horn remove done to keep her from using magic while in prison. But it's been almost a year so I can't remember.
If my editor for this one comes back I'll probably give the ending a rewrite.
3782019
You could have prevented the magic with a magic nullifier horn ring or something (like you had them use during the transporting)
3789981 Yes, but I figure the nullifying horn ring would be better as a short term solution. With little overall crime they aren't a common item. So they are used for transport and short term prison sentences. But long term sentences need a more permanent solution. That and a horn ring could eventually be worked off with effort.
3797791
I guess my problem with the whole thing is, that Twilight is given sentence that you might expect serial killer to get, for the accidental death of her assistant during an experiment gone bad. Especially when you consider that she's national hero who has saved Equestria atleast once (during which season does this happen anyway?) and has saved atleast 1 princess.
Not to even mention that she's the element of magic and that locking her in a prison and removing her magic makes the elements of harmony as usefull as rocks.
So, all things considered, you'd expect Celestia and Luna to come up with some better solution.
3803524 I understand, there are some issues with the ending of this one.
The story itself was written early season 3. But outside of Shining and Cadence being married there aren't many references to a time line I don't think.
Despite what some of the others say, I do kind of understand why that Celestia made the judgement she did. It can all be summed up in her poor judgement skills when it comes to emotional issues as she is too logical, emotions being more Luna's forte. This is basically the same kind of path she took with her sister, only this time the sentence can't be reversed like her previous ones. In fact most of the problems faced by the Mane 6 can be tied directly to her poor choices over time which will probably lead to the end of that timeline soon.
4099202
Happy to hear your thoughts, and yes there was a of poor judgement in that timeline. In Starbloom Chronicles 2 there is a small recap on how things are going in that timeline.
Ok, that timeline is doomed. As Fresnor mentioned, Celestia made a very bad decision. So depending how many elements from the show you decided are canon for your story. Tirek is already on the loose as it is assumed he escaped when Cerberus came rampaging to ponyvile. Though I haven't read anymore of your stories yet so I'm not sure if you fixed that timeline some how or even if you count anything from season 4 as canon. But this has been a good read overall.
4965964 Glad you have been enjoying it so far. All Six elements are active in this story but it's mostly before Season 3 started. The time line has been corrected later though in Starbloom Chronicles 2... which I really should finish at some point.
Yes, I have FINALLY gotten around to read this beginning of Starbloom's saga, after helping with art for its covers. Sorry for the wait, I can be very slow with finding the time ^^;
Interesting enough story, I like how you discreetly make references to the show with items such as the book Twilight used for her slumber party with Rarity and Applejack, and stuff like that. Although I must admit the story lacks a proper pacing for a built up. I also noticed you have a few run-on sentences with focus on mundane things that could be left out. Repeatingly finding lines of how a drawer is opened and a pen picked up and placed away and then picked up to be used after the drawer is closed so a letter can be written. It gets old fast. Some words and phrases get repeated often to, like how much a character or more are smiling to one another in the same sentence. It isn't directly bad writing, and I see you have already revised the chapters a few times. It just feels like padding to keep up a word count and could be used in better ways. Although I'm sure you got better with your writings over time when seeing how much you have written and I have yet ti get to the other stories.
It is interesting concepts you play with in this, since I love good AU's and possible connections between worlds, things based on "what if"'s. Stuff like that.
The one thing truly nagging me though is "Dream Twilight"'s treatment through her parts of the story, especially the judgement at the end. A bit extreme. Yes, the drama was needed to create Starbloom's character, but it could have been handled more believably. Getting sentenced for murderer is rather harsh and seems out of character for a wise and motherly princess like Celestia. This is most likely a case of man-slaughter if not simply an accidental death, since it is clear to everypony that it was an accident and she acted in panic afterwards. Even the treatment of the guards seemed unreasonable, as Twilight is known as a hero and as Celestia's trusted pupil. Yes, they work by duty but treating a stressed out mare like she was a cold hearted murderer... yeah, it made me cringe a bit.
I understand where you were going with this, it's just these details made it hard for me to rely on my sense of disbelief, even when considering how happily I buy the whole entangled worlds thing and that they can be crossed in dreams.
Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh in this review ^^;
5176903
Such is life though.
It's quiet understandable, I have trouble myself finding time to read stories I want to get to. I also have trouble writing what I want.
Yea, I have adjusted my writing a lot. The word count has dropped, but so has a lot of needless stuff. I do try to maintain a 1000 word per chapter goal.
I do get that a lot with this ending, and the ending in Starbloom Chronicles. I really didn't think either out to well. This was the first story I worked on start to finish, but when I did the revision of it I should of tried to fix up the ending to make Celestia seem less unreasonable, or express more grief with what she did. Maybe focus it as she had no choice in what she did. The guards, I didn't put to much thought into, which I probably should of, they did seem pretty one note and cold hearted.
Not at all, this kind of criticism is helpful, better then just a thumbs down with no comment or "It sucked" comment.
5179311
Well, when I write something done by someone I know, I do my best to give a honest review, the kind I would like to get myself to improve. I have got started on the Starbloom Chronicle and can already see an improvement in your writing style as I get into the chapters. Just as expected. I'll give you more details on my thoughts when I got through all chapters.
But yes, those parts a very important elements to this story and I can imagine it'd be hard to change things and still get the ending you needed to create Starbloom. But they also quite visibly with the way those characters act and how things are worded, definitely something to look into the day you got ideas to improve it more.
Although I guess things could be excused with what Twilight mentions while brought to the castle in cage. Crimes are very rare. Maybe so rare in that universe that even an accidental death is considered such an extreme that it is looked upon as a murder. It's possible I guess. Still, at least the wording of murder could be changed to manslaughter under that excuse still.
5180723
Yea, and I do appreciate that, I try to be honest, but also supportive. Starbloom Chronicle is an improvement in my style. At least more where I start developing it.
Mhmm, they are key elements, but the wording could of been better. I did try to imply crime is almost unheard of in Equestria, at least that timeline, but still it could of been explored better.
Plus I didn't take the time to explore Celestia's reluctance and grief over doing what she ended up having to do. I did try to explore it a little in Starbloom Chronicle 1 and 2, but it should of been explored more in this story.
5657847 I didn't notice that, this was my first story when I was still learning. Thank you for pointing it out, I'll fix it.
Sweet Celestia..
This is one fantastic fic. Amazing. I love it. Ten muffins out of ten.
The dream confused me for a minute, once I read after that, it cleared up. I had a bit of a hard time figuring out whose world was real for a little while there.
Amazing stuff
~SoDF
7093671
Glad you liked it, it was fun to write. I suppose depending how you look at it, both worlds are real. Though the one having the dream is the Twi-Prime. Multi-verse theory can be very complex though.
The trial. Here in the USA, the accused has the right to a lawyer, the right to examine the evidence, the right to question witnesses, the right to present evidence and witnesses of their own, and the right to testify in their own defense.
Equestria has none of that? I'm surprised no one even questioned Twilight. Of course, her Dream visions do seem to be just skimming.
7547427
Kind of both, her dream doesn't show everything since both Worlds are running parallel to each other in more or less real time.
Also the court system in Equestria I always envisioned as an old monarchy style system wear the ruler works as judge and jury. The accused can defend themselves or request a council. Though more often than not they have to plead the case themselves.
You can has review!
I just wanted to pop in and say I like the Idea but I agree some of the other commenters you need a better reason as to why twilight is convicted because as it stands it kind of takes you out of it because it seem extreme for an accident without some kind of justification. Just spitballing she could have been framed and they only found out after the punishment was carried out. I'm not a professional writer but that is the biggest thing that sticks out for me.
Does make you wonder how many timelines there are where things didn’t work out for Twilight.