This story is a sequel to Starbloom Chronicles
Starbloom wakes up on a snowy morning and prepares for a normal day. She knows that today is the schools Hearth's Warming Eve party and she's ready for what she thinks is going to be a normal school party.
This is a quick oneshot I did for the "Hearth's and Hooves" group. I haven't had a chance to get artwork for it yet so, it has a picture of Starbloom. Hope y'all enjoy it.
Corrections and ending fixes by "TwiwnB".
Cover Image by Ravenpuff
Proof-read and Edited by the-pieman
Chapters (1)
This was a quiet, soft, simple and enjoyable reading. I really like simple stories like that, a real slice of life without getting into epic proportions or trying to blow things up or having someone having a break down.
And in the whole, it was pretty well done. I would have some remarks though.
I had no idea who Starbloom is and at first I wondered if I should worry about it. But this actually went pretty well. I still don't know if she is the result of magic, as I'm guessing she is, but it hardly matters.
I noticed this repetition without finding any purpose for it...
You don't do anything with those gifts (I have to admit, I did that only once in my life and it was kind of epic... so I was interested to see where this was going). I can understand the snow to say "it's winter, it's christmas, so there must be snow", but you insist a lot on the gift exchange and then just forget it.
It didn't bother me too much, but I'm not sure to see the point.
I think you could find a way not to repete the word "mother" (mom and mother being too close to not count as a repetition in my mind as a reader). Maybe a simple "why she left so early" the "she" refering to the word "mom".
You already used the word "upset" for Starbloom (by the way, Applebloom, Starbloom, took me almost a minute to notice :P).
Vocal signature is in this season
.
I have two problems with that ending:
1) the repetition of the word "party" that doesn't seem to have any purpose. Yes, repetition do bother me, because they attract the attention when reading, usually to point out an important fact. (Like: "She touched the door, smelled the door, bit the door, tried to open the door and only then realised it wasn't a door at all").
2) You describe some sort of an explosion (Let's go party!!!! Yeah!) when the tone of the rest of the story was very quiet. And nothing seems to justify that attempt to suddenly make things accelerate.
But those are details.
You actually showed me some tricks in writing I had ignored until now (mostly how you Starbloom didn't seem that upset that her mother wasn't there, but she still was upset. So you managed to make that very soft emotion become the center of the story without having to amplify it to a ridiculous point.)
I will try to learn from that.
3415516 Yea I can see those errors now, actually surprised there isn't more was writing this and fighting with my ISP's tech support at the same time.
My serviced dropped 100 times the past two days. Hoping they can get it fixed today.
This part though:
I was gonna do a bit of exposition on Starbloom, wasn't sure if it'd fit the overall theme of the story itself.
The repetition I'll go in and fix when I get some time, as for the gifts I kind of forgot about.
But I can address that end when the repetition on the word party.
3415791
I don't think it's necessary to make more exposition about her. I got all the information I needed for the story:
- she is Twilight's daughter
- she is only one year old (first christmas... heart warming eve), but goes in the same school as the CMC, therefore must be the product of an experiment or magic (even more because no father...)
- she is very nice and gentle and eager to learn
As you are only describing a normal day in a normal life, I don't think it would actually be a good thing to point out too much how "not normal" Starbloom might be.
ps: 40'000 words to learn who Starbloom is... maybe when I'll have more time at my disposal :P. But the character seems interesting enough, Will see...
If that can reassure you, it didn't bother me too much. I didn't even noticed you had forgotten it until about five minutes after having finished to read.
3415805 Starbloom has a full backstory written up, two other fics.
Thought this one was better in terms of grammar. Twilight's Sleepless Nights is my first fanfic I ever wrote and it's in the middle of being edited so the first two chapters are better then the rest of the story.
I actually used some tricks I learned during the editing of Twilight's Sleepless Nights when doing this story, like using different words instead of "said" for more emotional impact.
3415516 I went through and made the corrections with the repetitive words, and I addressed the forgotten gifts.
At least the stuff the CmC brought.
3416243
I'm not an english speaker, so it might be nothing, but this formulation doesn't seem right, like you wanted to put one of the verb instead of the other and not with the other...
"exchanged", no? (once again, no english speaker, so I'm not certain...)
Okay, now I'm really concerned. Are my knowledge of english that bad, or is that formulation really not normal?
I feel kind of bad saying that (seing how you changed that out of my comments...
), but something seems weird with your choices for the gifts. It feels kind of rushed.
This is interesting, as it implies it was made by Sweetie Belle herself.
"It wasn't perfect, but was perfect after all...". In other words, not only does that present have an emotional value, but it offers sort of a good ending (that just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the story...)
I'll adress the ending after the three other gifts.
Okay, this isn't "special", but it's the first gift we hear from and it kind of makes sense.
It also makes sense Scootaloo would offer a plushie of Daring Doo (having gotten that passion from Rainbow Dash). Even if I could imagine she could have offered a plushie from Rainbow Dash (and then regret to have given it... somehow), your version avoid the caricature. So okay...
And here is the problem (the two first gift kind of lacking in emotional meaning, but without too much consequences). That gift was mentionned at the beginning and is, for a reader like me who doesn't know Starbloom very well, sort of an indicator of who she is and what she is aiming for. The same way Applebloom gave something related to apple and Scootaloo gave something related to flying/adventure/Rainbow Dash, I kind of expect the gift from Starbloom to reflect her character.
But you chose to use Daring Doo once again, thus:
- making a weird analogy between Scootaloo and Starbloom (who seem to have nothing in common in terms of personality).
- making a repetition of gift (Daring Doo related stuff, then Daring Doo related stuff), giving the impression it was rushed because of a lack of idea (sorry, but I had that impression when reading)
And then:
Yes, I can imagine she was, because it fits quite perfectly, even more if Rainbow Dash is interested by it. But it doesn't:
- make much sense that Starbloom would have chosen that gift especially for Scootaloo, because she had no idea who would get it (it seems, if I understood correctly)
- give any detail on the emotional meaning of the gift (like the home made jacket for somepony to grow in, even if Sweetie Belle hadn't thought that much about it). But I would expect the gift from Starbloom, from which I've heard since the beginning of the story, to have at least as much symbolic and emotional meaning as the gift from Sweetie Belle (that just appeared).
I'm kind of surprised that only one gift out of four has a real meaning, and that the only gift that doesn't seem to give informations about a character is the most important one, meaning Starbloom's gift.
And yes I know Starbloom offered a book, that she is kind of like Twilight, so that it is a trait of her personnality, but quite honestly my mind was too much attracted by the Daring Do thing, because:
- of the repetition of that theme (repetition attracts the attention)
- of the fact it doesn't seem to correspond to the quiet and nice character I've seen in the story
If a filly were to offer a book about witches, my mind would have deduced (by prejudice) that this filly is herself interested in witches. If Starbloom had offered a book on magic, she would be interested in magic (and therefore being pretty difficult to differenciate from Twilight I guess). But if she offers a book about Daring Do, I naturally deduce she is interested in Daring Do, which is kind of weird in those circumstances, and doesn't bring any moral in the story like the jacket does.
Once again, I feel bad for criticizing what you just added to the story, as I'm the cause of it. So... please excuse me for that.
Now, for the fact the ending doesn't seem to fit the rest of the story... well, I'm not really sure about it, so I might just be totally wrong about it. I was just under the impression that the ending puts the following message for the story:
"This is your very first Christmas, it won't be the last, you will grow up and see many more"
or something like that. (it's not clear and doesn't really have to be, because it lets room for interpretation).
But the story itself doesn't seem to be about growing up. In fact, there is no "moral" or "message" in the story, just the fact Starbloom love her mother and would have wished to tell her goodbye before going to school on that day, with everything ending well at the end.
So the ending isn't "bad". In fact, it would be quite good if there wasn't that impression that it was made for another story entirely, given the lack of "growing up" symbolic everywhere else.
...
Once again, I'm sorry I couldn't be more enthousiastic about the changes you made. I was actually very surprised you took the time and effort to change your story after what I said. I certainly didn't expect as much when I wrote my comment. It pains me even more to have to criticize what you did when I know that it was made to please me in the first place.
So at least I can say I'm touched by the fact you tried to please me, and that that alone actually pleased me, if that makes any sense to you.
***
I saw them afterwards. I just fot afraid by the length of those stories, meaning I'll have to wait to have enough time if I want to begin reading them...
3416544 Yea, I think I messed that up, I got distracted mid-writing cause the guy from the phone company showed up while I was working on that. I didn't go through it like I normally do. I'll go through it and fix all of that. Not sure what happen.
As for the gifts themselves, I couldn't come up with too much that they would have easy access to or be easy enough for them to make or have made.
The sweater, I get the feeling it would be something Granny Smith would do every year for Apple Bloom, and before that she would of done it for Applejack and Big Mac.
Scootaloo got into Daring Doo when, and this is a spoiler, Rainbow Dash took her in. So I picture her and Rainbow Dash picking the gift out together. At first I thought about making it a Wonderbolt's Poster.
I do see your point when it comes to Starbloom's gift, does seem to be a little too specific in relation to Scootaloo's interest. The rest are fairly generic and could be enjoyed by anyone. I'll see if I can't think of something else.
3416544 Mm, can't think another gift for Starbloom to bring, so it'll be a book right now. If you got any ideas about that I'm open to suggestions.
As for what you said at the end, I'm always open to suggestions and corrections. I do my best to read every comment people make and if there is a helpful comment or suggestion I'll do my best to add it in, some of my best ideas come from comments.
Are there spoilers for Starbloom Chronicles II in this story?
3417333 Nope, if anything this is between Starbloom Chronicles I and II
3417648 Then I'll read it later.
3417653 Okay dokie lokie
Short and sweet. Just like stories with Starbloom usually are.
Well, the chapters, at least.
Is it possible that we may see Starbloom's first Nightmare Night? She could dress up as her mom!
Oh wait......
Still, it's quite good, and I can tell you're improving with the added dialogue that shouldn't be there. Still need to work a little bit on taking out those unnecessary commas.
3417073
I fear I can't help you there... I'm kind of very bad at applying what I tell others.
Sorry.
Same. Your story is in a register I've got no idea about (and I already have no idea in general when it comes to writing)...
3418684 Ya know I like to keep em limited to 1,000 to 1,500 words for yer channel. When ya get back to reading em that is. Grammar wise I think I'm getting better, punctuation wise I aint so sure.
But TwinwnB did help me on this one with repetitive dialog. As for a Nightmare Night, mmm I might do one. I did this for Milkway's Heart's and Hooves day group. They're doing a Hearth's Warming Eve thing.
3419202 I understand, I'm sure I'll come up with something.
The second part though I was referring to your earlier comments, those did help me out a lot, specially on the repetitive dialog I had going.
3419342
Glad my comment had been of some use
.
ps: You don't need to say anything about me in the description of the story... I'm flattered, but not only are you the only one that can really be credited for anything written in the story, but I also kind of like staying in the shadow.
3419371 Your welcome, and they did help me out.
Not only with this project, but future projects I'll be sure to watch more closely for repetitiveness in stories.
I like to give credit where it's due, but if you would prefer I not list you up there I can certainly remove it for you.
3419433
You actually put a repetition in the end of this story that does fulfill more of a purpose.
"This filly got a gift from this filly. It was that. Reaction".
Your repeated that structure three times, but the second time the reaction is a whole paragraph, and the third time the reaction is indirect, not expressed by the behavior of the filly, but by the narrator.
This allows two/three things:
- create a sense of security for the reader (and thus a sense of comfort)
- put the reaction in front (this is what the mind will be attracted too, because we expect the structure to repeat itself entirely), which is great because the reactions are the most important part.
- reinforce the ending because it ends on the reaction part.
This is interesting. It's near what we could expect from Twilight, but is not exactly Twilight. So the difference I was expecting is there. The meaning is up to interpetation (for someone like me who hasn't read the entire background story yet).
This is discutable, but it is coherent with the tone of the story. At first, I thought you were trying to apologize for the fact you didn't really now what meaning you wanted to give the magnifying glass. However, it can also mean Starbloom is just curious, open to the world and impulsive, or just following some instinct.
And in the end the second interpretation made more sense than the first one, so I'm all for it.
After a good night of sleep, I found the only answer I had forgiven to give: thanks.
3419624 Yea, a repetitive sentence and paragraph is harder for me to avoid, specially in a situation like that. My writing level is that good yet though I hope to improve.
After some thinking on Starbloom's character, her interests, where she came from and what her cutie mark is going to be, the magnifying glass just kind of jumped out at me. I do think it's a better idea then the book. And I think Scootaloo would enjoy having it, she can use it to cosplay as Daring Doo maybe?
Also your welcome.
3419703
As long as it has a purpose, don't avoid it. Repetition is not bad in itself. Repetition without a purpose is.
The one you used in the ending is actually good (and that's why I mentionned it). It is a figure of style that not only bring something to the story, but is coherent with the rest of the story.
If I take my example of the door:
The repetition of the word "door" has a purpose because it creates a contrast with the fact it isn't a door and has forced the reader to focus on the fact it was beforehand. (the old trick: if I say "a bunny in a field", the mind sees a bunny in a field, so if I repeat a word, the mind will see this world and decide it exists).
But the same thing without the ending:
It suddenly loses most of its purpose and is just bothering, because there is no reason anymore to focus so much on the word door (I had to replace one of the repetition by something else, to avoid a weak but potential comedic purpose...).
It might have been useless for me to make that precision, but I wouldn't want to be the cause of you avoiding repetition at all cost. Because you would lose a tool to manipulate the reader...
3419747 Mmm yea I see the difference. Thanks for pointing that out.
3419338 You are the only story submitted so far. I wonder if you'll win.
3420069 It's still early.
3421572 You may still win. I would laugh at that.
3421898 Maybe.
If I win I hope it's a life sized Diamond Tiara.
3422070 Pffttt. I'll buy it off you.
3422101 I wont sell her
Maybe trade her for a Twilight or a Sweetie though.
3422139 You're out of your mind.
3422275 No uh!
I'm perfectly insane.
3422384 -Redirects you to Twilight's Secret Past-
3422407 *Redirects you to...* Oh yea... that's video is gone. Curse you Youtube!
3422696 Hey, you're the one that copyrighted me.
3422957 I did nothing of the sort! It was probably Twist!
This is an okay story, but I feel like this would have been much better if I actually understood who Starbloom is...
3666667 Yea that probably would of helped.