• Member Since 15th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Friday

L_Wolf


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While working on an experiment in her lab, there is an accident that results in Spike almost getting hurt. That night she starts to have strange dreams about the experiment and what could of happen, but are they really just dreams?

Chapter Revision Edits by AuthorGenesis
Proof Reading and Editing by the-pieman
Chapter 1 Audio by Sk8er27

Playlist reading by Fred2266
First fanfic I wrote, got inspiration from this PMV.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 50 )

1970442

Thanks. I'll try to get more of it done soon.

Not bad - there's a bit of your/you're confusion, but nothing that can't be easily fixed. It's also an interesting premise for Twilight's experiments to be causing her emotional turmoil, rather than the usual magical mishap.

1971354

Yea, I actually do that a lot with the your and you're, I fix that. And thanks, I though it might be different using her experiments then using magic.

Hmmm with how the dreams seem to progress I would have to say that she might have only a limited amount of time before her dream self meets her fate, so she has only a little while to get over her trauma

1978769

Yea it is getting close, I just need to figure out how to wrap everything up. I'll come up with something though :twilightsmile:

1979957
Well no rush, take your time. I rather like the idea of this story

Even worse her cutie mark, the thing that made her special, had faded away to just a dull gray patch of fur on her flank.

Ouch! Twilight has the worst dreams.

This story was... okay, I'd say. I couldn't really find much to say about the previous chapters because there isn't much progression - I didn't get the sense that the story was building up to anything. The ending was interesting, although it raises more questions than it answers. :) Still, it's a reasonable start, and you should certainly write more! I feel you have the beginnings of an interesting premise here. :)

2005027

Thanks for the honest feed back. :twilightsmile: This is actually the first time I tried writing a story, I am working on a new story though, trying to take my time with it though and make it better then this one. The new one is a follow up on this one. Try to answer some of the questions this one left.

2187874

Great :pinkiehappy: Thanks, I'm glad ya think it's better. Not sure if I can hammer out all the grammer and spelling errors. Neither was my best subject in school.. >.> Special Ed to be honest <.< But I'll do my best to get as many of them as I can :twilightsmile:

I'll get to work soon on the rest of the chapters.

This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors...
I just finished your story, and I wanted to start off by saying that I really enjoyed the mystery and the whole bittersweetness of this piece. I really wished there was more to read, but this made for a quick, memorable, and concise read.
Pros:
1. Great Characterization. The vast majority of the characters here (Twilight, Spike, and rest of the main 6) were all very accurate and true to their show counterparts. Especially their dialogue, I felt it was really quite strong and believable, while at the same time you explore them in ways that the show has not.
2. Immersion. Although every fic can arguably use more immersive details, I felt very well "grounded" while reading this fic, and I could visualize the world quite clearly, especially the library.
3. Bittersweet. I mentioned this above, but this piece delivers on its Sad and Slice of Life tags, but goes the extra step and leaves just as much room for hope and compassion. It's much more bittersweet than Sad, and I like that.
Cons:
1. Grammar. I know there's a section for grammar I'm supposed to use, but there's a lot of missing words and improperly attributed dialogue that I felt really broke immersion. Luckily, it's a quick fix, and one that just takes a careful eye to read through it.
2. Conflict. I was sold on this fic by chapter 3, and when I reached it I quickly read through the rest and started planning out my review, but I felt that the first two chapters weren't doing their part for the rest of the story. I felt like Twilight's motive wasn't super strong in the first two chapters, like she was mainly just reacting to what was happening to her without actively trying to implement change on her part. Giving her more to do and a stronger sense of purpose (such as fleshing out her direction a bit more) in the earlier chapters would really help.
3. I'm a little confused by the ending, and not that I'm suggesting that you change it or omit things, but I wanted the alternate reality stuff to be more worked into the story as a whole, and more warning (enough so I could see it as the next logical step) about the exact nature of what was going on. It's the piece's toughest selling point, and easing the reader into it a bit more will really help bring the fic together as a whole.
Notes: overall this is a fantastic fic that explores its premise and its characters in a unique, and creative way.
Namaste and thank you for the read!

2254354

This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors...
I just finished your story, and I wanted to start off by saying that I really enjoyed the mystery and the whole bittersweetness of this piece. I really wished there was more to read, but this made for a quick, memorable, and concise read.

Well, I did start a kinda squeal to this, Starbloom Chronicles, though I have writers block for the current chapter I'm working on.

2. Immersion. Although every fic can arguably use more immersive details, I felt very well "grounded" while reading this fic, and I could visualize the world quite clearly, especially the library.

Thanks, glad you like that. The library is a main fixture in Twilight's life. There is a lot in the show, but little is shown on how she uses the general space, other then reading. So it did leave a lot of room to play around with how she uses the space.

3. Bittersweet. I mentioned this above, but this piece delivers on its Sad and Slice of Life tags, but goes the extra step and leaves just as much room for hope and compassion. It's much more bittersweet than Sad, and I like that.

I actually retagged the story after I did my revision, I had it listed as dark. But after reading the guide lines, I removed the Dark tag, since Sad fit better.

1. Grammar. I know there's a section for grammar I'm supposed to use, but there's a lot of missing words and improperly attributed dialogue that I felt really broke immersion. Luckily, it's a quick fix, and one that just takes a careful eye to read through it.

Yea, grammar is one thing I do have a lot of trouble with. My mom has helped some, but she mostly looked for misspelled words, I really don't have to many people I know that can help with a good grammar check and the automated program I got isn't that great. But it does help some.

2. Conflict. I was sold on this fic by chapter 3, and when I reached it I quickly read through the rest and started planning out my review, but I felt that the first two chapters weren't doing their part for the rest of the story. I felt like Twilight's motive wasn't super strong in the first two chapters, like she was mainly just reacting to what was happening to her without actively trying to implement change on her part. Giving her more to do and a stronger sense of purpose (such as fleshing out her direction a bit more) in the earlier chapters would really help.

Hmm that's something I'll have to think over and work on. Though, do you mean "Prime" or "Alt\Dream" Twilight was reacting to what was happening?

3. I'm a little confused by the ending, and not that I'm suggesting that you change it or omit things, but I wanted the alternate reality stuff to be more worked into the story as a whole, and more warning (enough so I could see it as the next logical step) about the exact nature of what was going on. It's the piece's toughest selling point, and easing the reader into it a bit more will really help bring the fic together as a whole.

Yea I know what you mean, is the reason I did the revision the first time around. I'm not to sure how I could give more warning though, I can think of was to explain the alternate reality more, towards the end and in my second story I do explain a bit more about it. Though the second story needs a massive revision as well.

Notes: overall this is a fantastic fic that explores its premise and its characters in a unique, and creative way.
Namaste and thank you for the read!

Thank you for the read through and the honest review. Given me a lot to think about and go over. Also thanks for suggesting your story. I read through it and I enjoyed it, I do hope you can get the new chapters out soon as everything settles down. I know you said you had stuff going on until the 22nd if I remember right.

I think solocitizen pretty much nailed my feelings on this fanfic. Adding to Twilight's Library.

2517326
Thank you for adding it to the Library. :twilightsmile: You should check out Solocitizen fic "Awakening " it's amazing.

I would of gotten to your message sooner. But my computer decided it was time for a full format and reinstall. :facehoof:

I've made this mistake a lot but you used defiantly instead of definitely :twilightsheepish:

2748904 Hehe, :twilightoops: yea, thats one of the common mistakes I make. I need to take the time to go over this one, and find all the mistakes like that.

I'd like to point out the massive punctuation mistakes, as you really need to work on it. You have all kinds of problems in that area, ranging from missing marks to outright incorrect punctuation.

2768337 Yea I know :applecry: I'm trying to get better at it.

2768348

Just get familiar with comma and period placement first. I've seen good stories where misplaced periods or commas were the most frequent mistake among the punctuation.

2748904 I finally went in and fixed that one :facehoof: Sorry it took so long :twilightblush: But I'm also correcting some other errors and doing minor re-writes with this one. No major over haul though. Probably still gonna have sucky grammar to :P

I'm being bugged a little at the grammar mistakes, but I love the plot. You should get a proofreader.

2864763 Yea, there are some are some grammar some mistakes, but glad your enjoying the story. :twilightsmile:

YBG - So Celestia...

C: Ugh, what do you want?

YBG: Ponies want to know what your backup plan is.

C: My what?

YBG: A backup plan. You obviously must have one. I mean, you just put the element of magic through the fastest trial in history, didn't allow her to defend herself or at least have enough time to calm down from extreme emotional turmoil.

C: Well, I-

YBG: I mean there's no way that you would take magic away from the element of magic and put her into a cell for the rest of her life where she will most likely commit suicide due to major losses, without thinking about what would happen to the elements.

C:...

YBG:...No backup plan? You just did what no villain could do, by utterly decimating the elements of harmony, destroying Equestrias last and most powerful line of defence and successfully ruining any chance for your student, whom had helped save Equestria a few times, to return to her life in any form of the word, and you didn't have a backup plan?

C:...

YBG: Dumbass. I bet Luna's got a better idea than you.


Yeah, that pretty much sums up my thoughts on this ending. I mean for fucks sake, life imprisonment and the most extreme physical punishment possible for a unicorn outside of the death penalty for an accident?

Yeah she attacked the guards but anyone who knows some psychology understands that's not all that surprising and to and extent, excusable.

The guards and the punishment all seem to scream that everyone thinks she purposefully killed Spike and is nothing but a murderer.

Overall, though I did thoroughly enjoy the sequel this ending, to me, is the pits and an utter failure of common sense for Celestia.

Not trying to be a dick (It just kinda happens.) Just pointing out my strongest problem with the story.

2964389 Really not to sure how to address this, your issues themselves have merit I admit.

The quick trail could be addressed by the fact it's a matriarchal style of government in a land with low crime.

As for the rest, what happens with the Elements of Harmony, and the harshness of the punishment. I'm not sure how to address that, since I never considered any of it when I wrote the story.

2966683
No, just no, the ending doesn't even remotely work. First off, she's convicted for murdering Spike, Spike's death was accidental. Life in prison for accidental death? A bit excessive, but somewhat understandable considering what you said. Physical punishment in the form of de-horning her? Life in prison not enough? You had to completely destroy her?

I can understand why you did that (you needed her as a filly without horn for the sequel), but there would have been better ways to go about it.
For example, you could have had Celestia give her a prison sentence, but Twilight being so devastated over Spike's death, that she can't live with her magic anymore, due it being the cause she lost Spike. And then, after having had some time to reflect things, asking Celestia to rid her of her magic.

3780406 Actually, the sequel wasn't even an idea when I came up with this story. I believe when I doing this one, I had the horn remove done to keep her from using magic while in prison. But it's been almost a year so I can't remember.

If my editor for this one comes back I'll probably give the ending a rewrite.

3782019
You could have prevented the magic with a magic nullifier horn ring or something (like you had them use during the transporting)

3789981 Yes, but I figure the nullifying horn ring would be better as a short term solution. With little overall crime they aren't a common item. So they are used for transport and short term prison sentences. But long term sentences need a more permanent solution. That and a horn ring could eventually be worked off with effort.

3797791
I guess my problem with the whole thing is, that Twilight is given sentence that you might expect serial killer to get, for the accidental death of her assistant during an experiment gone bad. Especially when you consider that she's national hero who has saved Equestria atleast once (during which season does this happen anyway?) and has saved atleast 1 princess.
Not to even mention that she's the element of magic and that locking her in a prison and removing her magic makes the elements of harmony as usefull as rocks.

So, all things considered, you'd expect Celestia and Luna to come up with some better solution.

3803524 I understand, there are some issues with the ending of this one.

The story itself was written early season 3. But outside of Shining and Cadence being married there aren't many references to a time line I don't think.

Despite what some of the others say, I do kind of understand why that Celestia made the judgement she did. It can all be summed up in her poor judgement skills when it comes to emotional issues as she is too logical, emotions being more Luna's forte. This is basically the same kind of path she took with her sister, only this time the sentence can't be reversed like her previous ones. In fact most of the problems faced by the Mane 6 can be tied directly to her poor choices over time which will probably lead to the end of that timeline soon.

4099202
Happy to hear your thoughts, and yes there was a of poor judgement in that timeline. In Starbloom Chronicles 2 there is a small recap on how things are going in that timeline.

Ok, that timeline is doomed. As Fresnor mentioned, Celestia made a very bad decision. So depending how many elements from the show you decided are canon for your story. Tirek is already on the loose as it is assumed he escaped when Cerberus came rampaging to ponyvile. Though I haven't read anymore of your stories yet so I'm not sure if you fixed that timeline some how or even if you count anything from season 4 as canon. But this has been a good read overall.

4965964 Glad you have been enjoying it so far. All Six elements are active in this story but it's mostly before Season 3 started. The time line has been corrected later though in Starbloom Chronicles 2... which I really should finish at some point. :twilightblush:

Yes, I have FINALLY gotten around to read this beginning of Starbloom's saga, after helping with art for its covers. Sorry for the wait, I can be very slow with finding the time ^^;

Interesting enough story, I like how you discreetly make references to the show with items such as the book Twilight used for her slumber party with Rarity and Applejack, and stuff like that. Although I must admit the story lacks a proper pacing for a built up. I also noticed you have a few run-on sentences with focus on mundane things that could be left out. Repeatingly finding lines of how a drawer is opened and a pen picked up and placed away and then picked up to be used after the drawer is closed so a letter can be written. It gets old fast. Some words and phrases get repeated often to, like how much a character or more are smiling to one another in the same sentence. It isn't directly bad writing, and I see you have already revised the chapters a few times. It just feels like padding to keep up a word count and could be used in better ways. Although I'm sure you got better with your writings over time when seeing how much you have written and I have yet ti get to the other stories.

It is interesting concepts you play with in this, since I love good AU's and possible connections between worlds, things based on "what if"'s. Stuff like that.
The one thing truly nagging me though is "Dream Twilight"'s treatment through her parts of the story, especially the judgement at the end. A bit extreme. Yes, the drama was needed to create Starbloom's character, but it could have been handled more believably. Getting sentenced for murderer is rather harsh and seems out of character for a wise and motherly princess like Celestia. This is most likely a case of man-slaughter if not simply an accidental death, since it is clear to everypony that it was an accident and she acted in panic afterwards. Even the treatment of the guards seemed unreasonable, as Twilight is known as a hero and as Celestia's trusted pupil. Yes, they work by duty but treating a stressed out mare like she was a cold hearted murderer... yeah, it made me cringe a bit.

I understand where you were going with this, it's just these details made it hard for me to rely on my sense of disbelief, even when considering how happily I buy the whole entangled worlds thing and that they can be crossed in dreams.

Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh in this review ^^;

5176903
It's quiet understandable, I have trouble myself finding time to read stories I want to get to. I also have trouble writing what I want. :derpytongue2: Such is life though.

Yea, I have adjusted my writing a lot. The word count has dropped, but so has a lot of needless stuff. I do try to maintain a 1000 word per chapter goal.

I do get that a lot with this ending, and the ending in Starbloom Chronicles. I really didn't think either out to well. This was the first story I worked on start to finish, but when I did the revision of it I should of tried to fix up the ending to make Celestia seem less unreasonable, or express more grief with what she did. Maybe focus it as she had no choice in what she did. The guards, I didn't put to much thought into, which I probably should of, they did seem pretty one note and cold hearted.

Not at all, this kind of criticism is helpful, better then just a thumbs down with no comment or "It sucked" comment. :twilightsheepish:

5179311

Well, when I write something done by someone I know, I do my best to give a honest review, the kind I would like to get myself to improve. I have got started on the Starbloom Chronicle and can already see an improvement in your writing style as I get into the chapters. Just as expected. I'll give you more details on my thoughts when I got through all chapters.

But yes, those parts a very important elements to this story and I can imagine it'd be hard to change things and still get the ending you needed to create Starbloom. But they also quite visibly with the way those characters act and how things are worded, definitely something to look into the day you got ideas to improve it more.

Although I guess things could be excused with what Twilight mentions while brought to the castle in cage. Crimes are very rare. Maybe so rare in that universe that even an accidental death is considered such an extreme that it is looked upon as a murder. It's possible I guess. Still, at least the wording of murder could be changed to manslaughter under that excuse still.

5180723
Yea, and I do appreciate that, I try to be honest, but also supportive. Starbloom Chronicle is an improvement in my style. At least more where I start developing it.

Mhmm, they are key elements, but the wording could of been better. I did try to imply crime is almost unheard of in Equestria, at least that timeline, but still it could of been explored better.

Plus I didn't take the time to explore Celestia's reluctance and grief over doing what she ended up having to do. I did try to explore it a little in Starbloom Chronicle 1 and 2, but it should of been explored more in this story.

Noticed a mistake in the short description:

"Twilight tries to perform an experiment that goes wrong and she starts to have bad dreams about what could of happen."

"could of" is wrong, and should be "could have". When you're talking about what could have happened, you're also referring to the past, so "happen" should be "happened" in the past tense. The description is the first thing a reader sees, and if you have grammar errors in it there are a lot of people who will just move on right there without even looking at the rest of your story. First impressions are important!

5657847 I didn't notice that, this was my first story when I was still learning. Thank you for pointing it out, I'll fix it.

Sweet Celestia..
This is one fantastic fic. Amazing. I love it. Ten muffins out of ten. :derpytongue2:
The dream confused me for a minute, once I read after that, it cleared up. I had a bit of a hard time figuring out whose world was real for a little while there.
Amazing stuff :twilightsmile:
~SoDF

7093671
Glad you liked it, it was fun to write. I suppose depending how you look at it, both worlds are real. Though the one having the dream is the Twi-Prime. Multi-verse theory can be very complex though. :rainbowhuh:

:pinkiesad2:happy:raritydespair:/)/) but sad

In Dragon Quest Spike survived diving into volcano lava, so a burning building shouldn't be too bad.

The trial. Here in the USA, the accused has the right to a lawyer, the right to examine the evidence, the right to question witnesses, the right to present evidence and witnesses of their own, and the right to testify in their own defense.

Equestria has none of that? I'm surprised no one even questioned Twilight. Of course, her Dream visions do seem to be just skimming.

7546921
It wasn't the smoke or fire that got Spike, it was a shard of crystal.

7547427
Kind of both, her dream doesn't show everything since both Worlds are running parallel to each other in more or less real time.

Also the court system in Equestria I always envisioned as an old monarchy style system wear the ruler works as judge and jury. The accused can defend themselves or request a council. Though more often than not they have to plead the case themselves.

Twilight got Spike to the hospital quickly, and the doctors did their best to save him, but a piece of crystal had embedded itself deep in his chest and couldn't be removed. When they tried to use magic to remove the crystal, it reacted with the magic and preventing the spell from working. Spike died soon after that.

Oh shit

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