• Member Since 15th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Friday

L_Wolf


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Mare Do Well returns but this time it's not Twilight Sparkle and her friends trying to teach Dash a lesson in being humble. The streets of Manehattan have gotten rough over the years and the ponies long for a hero to help them. Little do they know a Mysterious hero is about to raise from the streets of Ponyville and answer their silent cry for help.

Indirect sequel of Starbloom Chronicles

Amazing new artwork by Ravenpuff

Nightmare\Nightshade character concept by Showtime
Officer Wildrun\Venture (Turbo) character concept by Showtime

Chapters (47)
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Comments ( 315 )

As both a fan and writer of the Mare Do Well character, I must say that this needs a ton of work. There are several glaring grammatical issues; the overall flow of the story is broken and bumpy. There's very little to go on in terms of who your protagonist is (I shouldn't have to read another fic just to read this if it's 'alternate universe' - were it a series, then I'd accept that.) The pacing is awkward, and you've not set up a discernible villain to counteract the Mare Do Well, or even give her a motive for being (Though motive can always come later - I confess I'm holding out on that one, too.)

Overall, not interested in continuing to read this. There's no plot, no villain, no anything. It's just another cardboard cutout in a costume. What makes her your Mare Do Well? What separates her from the rest? How and why is she different from mine? Answer those questions and then she may become interesting.

2740763 Yea, looking at this I probably should of spent more time on it before submitting the story. I'll spend the day addressing the issues your brought up.

>> Artimae Quiet frankly, I think you should learn to fully read everything before making a statement that pretty much just makes you look like your trying to make sure no one else writes about Mare Do Well unless they can do it better then you. Which seeing as how you dont have the copyright on Mare Do Well, then you should only critizes should it be asked for. I quiet frankly remember reading at the very begining "Not the most original of ideas I'm sure, but it's something that's been rolling around in my head for a few weeks now and I need to get it out. Not sure how long it'll end up being, or if I'll finish it." I mean that right there tells me, that hey this could be a rough draft and that maybe its not final or finished but something that needed to be put down on paper or this case computer in order to not lose the idea. I enjoyed the story reguardless, of whats missing, or grammatical issues. My imagination created possiblities of its own from what was written. Granted you may have more experience then me in the matter. I feel that your understanding of the story is biast. Because if its not as good as your own or close to it, you choose to critize, and not in a constructive manner either.

I find this stroy has alot of potenial should the writer wish to take it in that direction. Either way it was a enjoyable read.

2742859 Thank you for the kind words Lala, and I probably will do more writing on this story when I have time. Specially since Fred2266 already started to do story readings on youtube already.

2742859 I didn't mean to come off that way - I used my own as an example because it's an easy general comparison. My ultimate point was a lack of any sort of characterization which results in a lack of any interest. To wit, the characterization is probably in the other story about this "Starbloom" filly, but with the 'Alternate Universe' tags, I can't be sure they're the same even then. Now, were it to be a direct sequel, that part may not even be an issue.

The thing here is, it's supposedly an Adventure story. So the characters have to have motive behind them.

As for suggesting that "I think no one else should write Mare Do Well but me", allow me to defend by saying that the best MDW story out there (and one of my more favorite stories in general on this site) is The Games We Play, a story which I don't believe I could ever hope to touch.

As well, I choose to criticize because I see the potential in a story. Especially one with such a versatile character. It has the potential to branch off and be amazing, though I do admit that I could probably be more specific were I to comb through everything. Assuming, of course, that the author would like an editor? I love helping out other authors whom deserve it, and LisaWolf seems like she deserves it.

2744568
I do see the validity in the points you made and I do know my grammar isn't the best, as for this story being a direct squeal of Starbloom Chronicles, I never meant to be, but after I started writing it, it did ended up starting to turn into that. I did go back and add in a little more explanation as to who she is and where she came from. I also expanded who the main villain is. Which isn't a person, it's all the corrupt police officers in the department she used to work for.'

As for flow, and pacing, those are things I never really understood. So I mostly just write what I hear in my head and sounds right to me, which is what ends up on the page. I read them over and if looks good and makes sense to me I publish it.

I don't mind constructive criticism and I wouldn't mind getting help to get the story flushed out.

2744699 Ahh, very good. Now I'm asking myself questions like, "How and why are the police corrupt?" "What did she do to them/they do to her to warrant her entering the costume?" Automatically she's gained a motive, and we're learning a bit about her personality. She's all for justice and hates corruption, otherwise she'd not fight back. Now I'm interested and wish to see where this leads.

On the subject of flow and pacing, I'll be honest here and say that it's a difficult thing to do with a superhero story, mostly because it's generally going to be an ebb-and-flow sort of pacing (eg. Action scenes vs. character-building scenes, where one is fast and lasts only for a short time. In this sort of case usually, that'd be action scenes.) Flow is simply manipulating sentence structure in order to get the 'smoothest' read possible.

I'll give it all another once-over when I get the opportunity today, and now that there's something that can get me invested, I can't wait for it.

2745293 I am holding off on another villain, who'll be more of the classical super-hero villain that I'll introduce who will be one of the root causes of the corruption.

What they did to her to warrant her putting the costume on was explained in chapter 1, though I did re-write the part a little for a more clearer explanation. Though I think I need to re-write that part again for an even better and bigger explanation as to how and why it lead up to the police force trying to assassinate her.

Wow... just noticed I left the B tag open :facehoof:

2746353 Lol you didn't have to actually answer that in a comment post - I was giving an example of a "good question". Basically a question pertaining to the story. Making your readers question deeper things is fun and gets them interested.

2747414 Ohh, hehe I see. I think, I need to start using my white board to "story board" this one out. Though I do wanna finish off Starbloom Chronicles first. Last thing I gotta wrap up on that is Family Appreciation Day really... which is gonna be fun :twilightoops: Not to sure what to have Twilight talk to the class about for that.

2775394 :twilightoops: I hope that means you like the story so far, at least the direction it's heading :twilightblush:

By the way, if anyone has any ideas for chapter names for 3, 5 and 6 I'm open to suggestions. I can't come up with anything. :facehoof:

2786910 I tried to use the image you gave me as inspiration for Silver Ghost. Even giving her a blade and primarily black outfit.

2786946 Impressive I hope for a truce near the end though I have a soft heart for redemption stories.

2787743 It's possible, but Mare Do Well is, well :flutterrage: <-- That at the moment, I'm gonna think on the story a bit before I start the next chapter I'll see what comes to me and how Mare Do Well handles Silver Ghost. As much as the thought of killing her bothers Mare Do Well, she will do what she must to keep her friends safe.

2787844 I understand bro I understand.

2787849 *Nods* I also posted really bad art of what the pony blades they use look like and general description :twilightoops: Art isn't my thing though as much as I wish it was. :facehoof:

umm...no offense but have you looked for an editor/proofreader?

2793252 Not really no :twilightsheepish: I just do it for fun, I go back and fix mistakes if people point them out and everything. Other then that I give them a look over before publishing.

Impressive villain concept.

2796595 Thanks :pinkiehappy: The concept of a "Dark Starbloom" actually came from Showtime another member here on Fimfiction, sent me the idea. Wasn't for that idea I probably would of ended this story with Silver Spoon in prison.

2796640 Seriously though pull a redemption moment for Silver she really needs one badly.

2796655 Mmm if I do a Silver redemption story for her it'll have to come near either the end or the middle of the Nightshade arc.

But I did decide, this story is gonna remain in a permanent Incomplete status so I can come back to it and add more arcs, more villains and stuff... as for Sweetie and Starbloom's relationship... it'll remain a footnote.

2796681 To quote a very famous gamer "I DON'T CARE!" JUST DO IT!

:facehoof: Why didn't anyone tell me I left the tags open? :twilightoops:

Well... THEME MUSIC TIME!

Now another villain for Mare Do Well to fight. This is getting intense and good, but now she must face herself in a way. :twilightoops: Silver Ghost and Nightshade better not harm her friends. :flutterrage:

2816358 Wow, intense music. Nice :twilightsmile:

2817145 Mhmmm, Showtime gave me the idea for Nightshade. Like this image here, though the color on the outfits right now is the same. :twilightoops: Might change it later when people learn there is two of em, since she wont be trying to impersonate Mare Do Well.

fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/330/d/c/negamare_by_niban_destikim-d4hfce6.png

2817364

Felt the need since seeing that picture

2817893 Hehe yep, pretty much where Mare Do Well came from, most people think it was Batman though.

2818162 That's only because of the Mare Do Well poster in Season 2 Episode 8. It was a Batman reference, but that doesn't mean Mare Do Well is a straight Batman ripoff. She is nearly an exact copy of Darkwing Duck.

2818696 Yea that's true. I think it was a mix design of Batman and Darkwing.

Well, Starbloom, it looks like you have yet another hard choice to make, but if there is no other choice, the best option is to get rid of Silver Ghost, and Nightmare for good. :twilightoops::rainbowdetermined2:

I believe the name is actually Nightshade if I remember correctly.

2821912
Well, Nightmare could be Nightshade's supervillain name, you know...

2816358
I don't know...I like this one.

2821912 Ya, Nightshade, is her real name. Nightmare is her supervillian name.

I enjoyed the story for the most part. It needs quite a bit of work, mostly with punctuation and tense. It has a fun concept though, and I am looking forward to the next part.

2826059 Thanks, yea I know it needs work but I am glad your enjoy it regardless of the mistakes. :pinkiehappy:

2823820 Impressive my friend. Very impressive indeed.

Starbloom is in a true true friend and also mate for getting the doctor to check on Sweetie Belle more importantly than herself. Also, they are going back home for a little while. Very well-needed vacation.:pinkiehappy:

Hopefully a visit to Ponyville can give Starbloom and Sweetie a chance to relax.

And if not, then screw whoever ruins it. :flutterrage:

2837914 The idea I have, may or may not be obvious will find out after I get the chapter finished. :twilightblush:

WoW! Now that is the sacrifice of a true friend of Starbloom to allow Sweetie Belle to go to Ponyville while she stays behind to take care of Silver Ghost and Nightshade. Sad yet touching chapter. :fluttershysad:

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