Rustic_King
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Very good story, is look like this universe of gentleman's for mares, is becoming quite popular, you know, I am little curious about if you or the creator of this universe, will put a chapter when they will accompany Pinkie Pie, Zecora or my favorite, the princess, that my friend I bet will be a challenge to write, so I ask you and the original, can you, in the future make a chapter in witch one of this 3 mares will be the objective? Perhaps you can leave the princess for a special, those two as I said, will be a challenge, almost like the mount Everest of this story, so please considered.
P.S: Did the pony in the begging that said a very estrange comment about her tits, will appear in the future?
1897742
I can assure you that a certain princess has a very pivital role to play in a future story of mine.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png I'm not sure about Zecora or Pinkie, but anything can happen.
And oh yes, she comes back. Her name is Milky way, an OC that is very popular. The creator ( I assume it is the creator) has a Tumblr "milkmare of Trottingham" where "she" answers questions and shares the various fan art.
1898102
cool, I can't wait to read those 2 chapter…or chapter if you get a little creative, and thanks to answer my question
1898130
I have at least another 2 chapters before his holiday ends. As for how many after that, I don't know.
A new story for the G4M universe eh? About time.
1901089
Thank you, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter.
Someone needs to create a group for these. The "Gentlemen for Mares Universe."
1902642
Perhaps I'll make one in the morning? It would be nice to see how many there are.
Hey. If I may offer what I hope is some constructive criticism...
It's a not a bad idea, and there are some good moments, but to me, this feels too rushed and forced. He goes on vacation, comes to Equestria for a 2-month holiday only to run out of money (a gentleman is a bad planner? Being a a solicitor, wouldn't he be a lot more organized and careful?), is discovered by Eve but doesn't find much odd about her having him pose for her, initially strongly objects to the idea of being a Gentleman when its explained by Platinum then eagerly agrees in the space of five minutes?
I'd think there'd be a lot more leeriness and agonizing than that, and given that the original GfM story emphasized how hard it was for a new Gentleman to get business, I don't really buy that he'd be given a high-profile client like Octavia for his first mare within two days of being hired (if the story skipped ahead about six months from that moment, it might make more sense, especially if you then filled in the gaps of that six months slowly via flashbacks, showing his evolution from from uncertain new recruit to a veteran gentleman).
There's also nothing about our new gentleman's trip over, what he saw or did during his time in Equestria, or even what he *looks* like. Might have been interesting to know what his first meetings with and impressions of ponies were. Does he find them attractive? Did he think about them that way before? Why does he decide he *wants* to do it and would enjoy it, scandal be damned when he doesn't even know if it will work out? These are questions that I, as a reader, would like to know and would really help flesh out his character.
The clop itself's not bad--finish is pretty good and I liked the parting note--but you kind of rushed through dinner and it's can be more romantic and meaningful if you go slower. More description of their surroundings would be good as well, help paint the picture as it were. What makes the original GfM so good--and what makes for good adult stories in general, clop or otherwise--are strong, well-developed characters, realistic storytelling and really taking the time to set the scene, both in terms of description and plot.
Understand, I'm not trying to discourage you; I certainly think this story has potential and am curious to see more. Just some thoughts to keep in mind going forward.
1902989
No, no, it's all the good and helpful stuff.
One of my bad habits is releasing stuff before it's ready because I want people to see it.
I myself am not 100% happy with this as is and probably never will but expect edits in the areas you mentioned soon(ish). Thanks for the advice!
That had a couple twists and turns in it that I was not expecting. For doing that, I will give you a
.
Apparently you've incorporated most of Kipaji's suggestions by this point, and I have to say that those are some very good points that he brought up and that I am glad you addressed them since those would have been some pretty glaring points. As such, I only have three things that I think should be addressed. Listed in what I think is their matter of importance, they are:
1. Do you have permission to use Milky Way? If you haven't asked, you should get on that.
2. Please explicitly mention that Ed had to shorten his trip when he leaves the first time, or mention that he somehow managed to scrape by with Milky Way's help to get his full time out of the trip.
3. At some point, probably a later chapter, you should probably have Octavia explain why she wanted a less experienced gentleman.
All in all though,
Good job! You rock!
1928705
Wow thanks!
As for one, I have let her know via Tumblr, she seems embarrassed but so far I haven't been asked to stop. If I am I will.
2) he managed to stay the full time he intended, but he did have to make economies.
3) It will be addressed as to why she wanted a rookie.
Thanks for the support, and you may expect chapter three in about 2 weeks, give or take.
Hold on a minute, when he refers to his sweetheart, are you talking about Milky Way? Did I miss something in the first chapter that lead to this?
1935517
Yep, you sure did!
1935526Wow, I didnt realize that I had accidentaly skipped a large portion of the first chapter. I already see my mistake,
That was brilliant. A stuck up cocky mare who is taken down a notch in the bedroom. You played the two personalities well, even if his was a put on.
Hmmm, a tad fast but still not bad. As with the first chapter there remains a lot of potential here. If I may suggest though I believe you need to be more concise with your timelimes, First chapter he bumps into Milky Way and now apparently they are dating. Seeing as how Lightning Dust is only his second client it reads rather confusing as not a lot of time seems to have passed. Only real complaint I can make, it's still a good story. Just try not to rush things too much and it can be amazing, look to other authors for advice if need be.
And you said it would take a couple weeks to get this up. There are a couple of things that I think could be addressed in order to improve the chapter.
First, the time jump was a little jarring. Adding a time reference that the weeks have passed could be beneficial.
Second, why might it be unethical for Ed to represent Lightning? Is it because he slept with her, or is it because he knew of her case beforehand? Please expound on this.
Finally, how does Ed know about Lightning's dismissal from the academy and why she hired him? Was it in the dossier? She did not talk about it in such terms in his law office, she only said 'thank you' before he fell asleep, and she was asleep in the morning. Ed also untrussed her before she said the safe words. How did he know she wanted to stop getting screwed? I would say to have Lightning use the safe words after they came and break down in tears as she holds him close and explains how her dreams were shattered.
Also,
Awesome job!
1936648
Thanks again and yeah, I tried to add stuff in but I just couldn't figure out how to do it without spoiling chapter 3.
as for the ethical question it is part the requirment of having no emotional stakes in the outcome of the case.As well as the worry of what would happen to the both of them if it came out.
It will be revealed as to how he knew of her disgrace. Partially it's research, partially it's basic psychology.
Ed would have figured the job was done, and also he was concerened for her well-being in being bound too long.
Please fix your quotations.
“when I say something my text will be surrounded by quotation marks, not an apostrophe." Wizardmon said.
1940692
In British English 'dialogue is generally indicated by using single quote marks ( ' ) and direct quotes within dialogue by double quotes ( " ). Since I use British English, I am correct.
You'll be in my heart? Nice touch sir, very nice touch
1955493
Thank you!
Phil Collins is a guilty pleasure of mine, and I love that song.
it's in a playlist in WMP along with two worlds.
I laughed I "DAWW'ED" keep up the good work and show your mettle
1956201
It's comments like yours that encourage me to keep going.
Thank you!
A chapter that does nothing but add a bit more depth to the already established storyline, very well done sir! A big reason I'm such a fan of the original G4M's is the amount of effort Demon Eyes Laharl puts into the story. Clop for the sake of clop is often times just fine but when you use it as a bit of an enhancement to a good plotline, as you've done here as well, it makes the read that much better. Once again great job here Rustic, I eagerly await more of Ed's journey as a fine Gentlemen as well as a potential mate for everyone's favorite milkmare.
1956269
Wow, just wow! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside, thank you! I wasn't sure about how this chapter would be received, but now I'm glad. Better than some of the previous
sceneschapters I thought!GET ON WITH IT!!
Sorry, Monty Python joke there.
1956319
everyone's entitled to one of those now and then. Now, go back in there and face the peril.
1957982
No no no he shouldn't do that, it's far too perilous.
ok, I kind of lost in the time, in chapter 2 did he have being in Equestria for a couple of weeks? How long did have being know Milki and star a relationship with her? And in 3 I defiantly know there has being at least a couple of months at the very least, so so far how long it has being since he arrive to Equestria?
P.S: The job of Milky is literally sell the milk of her breast? Or she just milk cows?
1958067
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
1959077
since you read chapter 1 I improved it by making it longer.
When he entered Equestria it was the hight of summer there. It is now early Autumn.
1959077
She milks herself just to relieve the pressure, sometimes she sells it, mostly not (according to her Tumblr) she delivers cow milk to people, just like a British milkman does (her uniform is nearly identical to theirs)
Ok, I re-read the chater one and now everything make sense thanks for clarify everything, just out of curiosity, did we are going to see his human friend again?
1959739
His friend Mike will make a re-appearance as will Lars. We also will meet Edmund's cousin.
1960044
Cool, and what were their jobs again? Sorry for ask, is just wonder if any of those will work along side him, as a lawyer…or a gentleman, that work too…I suppose
1960064
Mike, or Michael, is a fellow solicitor and he will make a visit for a special event but will return to the UK.
Lars is a Arborist, who went to research the methods the Appleooseans used to grow their trees in the desert, with very little water.
But perhaps there is more to him than his jovial nature suggests?
So happy, then this popped up.
You knocked it up you should have worn a rubber
The next chapter will come up soon? Also that for shadowing in the begging mean that in the future will be a little adventure or mystery coming up?
1963676
Oops, well spotted! Thanks.
Short, sweet, tender and adorable. Not what I was expecting from a short chapter so it was a pleasant surprise. Well done again sir.
That beggining makes it seem like that one crazy mare is going to ruin Equestria's relation with the human. Especially if she is the mare that was mentioned in the Original verse, the one that wants to use humans as reproduction slaves.
Good.
Dropped a massive hint? As if the plot weren't already practically transparent? You've given us several far more massive hints than dropping Robert Winston's name.
Now, I'm not trying to be mean, and I think the story is fine the way it is, but... dude, you definitely don't know how to pull off "subtlety".
2000438
Well thus far I haven't been too subtle,(at all in fact ) making things fairly obvious.
If you stick with me for the next few chapters, things won't be as they appear and plot twists will abound.
2000521
I was hoping that might be the case.
2000626
Thank you. Though I should add the qualifier "quite" not quite as they appear. Things progress as you may be expecting, but the exact whys and wherefores aren't clear until later.
Whatever was in those darts are changing the humans. I wouldn't be surprised if Octavia, or Milky end up pregnant. At least it enhanced his stamina.
I agree with Seraph. In fact, I'd put money on Octavia and Milky both being pregnant. They had better get on with the wedding if they don't want the scandal of Octavia's foal's birth out of wedlock to possibly damage her career.
I liked the explanation as to why Octavia chose an inexperienced Gentleman and found it to be quite clever all around on both the writer's and character's parts.
I could harp on about how I found the time transitions, or lack there of, particularly jarring, but that has not seemed to have done anything so I will drop it.
Instead, I will say that Lightning Dust, with her tsunder ways and very specific denials, should just admit that she absolutely loved the way he completely and utterly dominated her so she can submit herself to him.
Then again, she may be waiting for him to take the reigns of their relationship outside of the bedroom and just not know how to ask properly...
Then there is Floreat. Floreat Blossomheart, whom descends from on high, is shown to the readers, and pronounced New Love Interest by the subtext of how things are going. Honestly, it sort of feels like I was just swapped in the face with how fast that developed. To reduce this for new readers, I would suggest introducing her when Edmund first opens up his law firm. She can knock on his door with a fruit basket and welcome him to the area, or during his inner monologue after he opens he can reminisce about how he had met his neighbors, like that mare who ran the flower shop across the street.
Still, I greatly enjoyed the chapter, and commend you on your writing.
Good Job.
2003869
. I take my inspiration for my narrative style from Bernard Cornwell's' Saxon Saga. But I need to re-read a book or two to refresh my mind as to how he pulls it off.
Thanks, and yes, The time cuts are perhaps my weakest areas in regards to writing and I'm trying to make them less jarring.
And yes, Lightning Dust is very Tsundere or suger and ice, while Ed is too much of an idiot to actually realise straight off the bat and even then he has no clue what to do.
Floreat, well we don't know her answer yet.
And the wedding will be soon (ish)