• Member Since 28th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 9th, 2021

AzureHoodie


Between Discord and Harmony, Chaos and Hope... I'm the idoit stuck keeping it in balance... ughhhhhh... oh! Have a good day!

Comments ( 73 )

This shows some promise, as you suspected, there are many mistakes of grammar and pacing - but nothing major. But two things that really must change are

her plot had pinned me against the wall.

NEVER use, brony slang in fiction, it is just bad writing.

And

I placed my thumbs on my upper thighs and gripped my leg; I pressed down and slid my thumbs down. Crack! The bone snapped back into place, the pain was intense but it was worth it.

I sat in the shower a few more minutes before getting back up. Being a mutant was probably one of the very few perks of being me (Like Wolverine, but except the long life thing... I think?).

? Is he an actual mutant, or is he just foolish enough to attempt to set a broken femur? If it is intended that he is a mutant, you may want to add an AU tag, as "our" world in the original G4M universe have no special abilities.

A good start to what seems to be an interesting story. Though, a few things. If he is some type of mutant that should have been something that gets explained at the beginning, plus if he is this should be in the AU folder, not the Original Universe one. Also, never use briny slang in these stories.

Are you updating this story right? I have gotten no alerts for the new chapters, and it doesn't show up when browsing stories by update date.

2318764 To be honest I don't know, whenever I put up a story I just hit publish in the corner after writing it.

2323849
Honestly, me either. I just know that there is a way to update that bumps it back to the top. You should ask around.

This stuff is great, need moar.

Keep being Awesome!

2732270 Thank you very much. I will try... spread the word... story...

OK, to be quite bluntly honest here, you've jumped the shark with this. You've taken a nice idea (mutants in Equestria) and turned it into another "demon are cool good guys" anime trope crap fest. Why did you have to have Blaze be a demon? Why couldn't he be just a mutant?

I mean would Celestia allow a demon to be near her ponies? I would say that she would squash a demon flat and not blink an eyelash.

2864446 it just looks that way... for now. My true intentions will be clear soon enough.

Interesting story with the partial X-Men crossover but Blaze just seems to be a bit Gary Stu to me. Wolverine's mutant healing ability plus partial pyromancer?

2867382 Gravity bitch will be talked about later.

So... the world is like X-men or something. Interesting. Are there more superheroes around or is it just Blaze?

2869168 Can't spoil, as much as I want too, I will not spoil.

The story is rather interesting and I certainly didn't see this coming from something set in Gentleman universe. Yet this chapter was slightly over the top. I don't reject any of the ideas presented (far from it) but the way you wrote it is way too hectic (or not hectic enough - it would work better with either more order or more chaos). Still like and fav. :twilightsmile:

luv the story :heart:

got some minor grammar issues but nothing major that would make me pause. :raritywink:

really like this innovative story premise and can't wait for future updates :twilightsmile:

O.O .... damn......
:) good story though.

2869058

I think it was just a different way of saying "Mary Sue". Someone, mainly female,whose implausible talents and likableness weaken the story.

Ah a background story! This one is really good (and sexy) :pinkiehappy:

Just pay more attention to the narration - you keep switching between 1st and 3rd person.

2905677 this I know but I have no one to really tell me these things, but thank you I will try to avoid the jumping.

Always like some background in my stories! :heart:

I also hereby issue proclamations of my immense enjoyment of your artfully crafted literary construct!:rainbowhuh: (i like your story)

Encouragement henceforth given to endeavor further with this fine effort!:rainbowhuh: (moar pls)

2244587
Yes, the femur is the largest long bone in the body, and has quite the vascular supply, in other words, blood supply. He BETTER be a mutant, otherwise he's in for some real problems.

Oh, it gets worse... There are some typos loose in your works.

My hand flew quickly and gently to the pink pony's mouth laying a finger upon it, giving a hushing with my voice; she fell silent and gave a slight tilt with her head. "Young Lady, I understand your excitement upon meeting new people but while I am honored by your excitement I must insist that you keep my present here subtle. Just think of me as a cool breeze on a summer day..." A small smile glazed my face, as did hers. I slightly moved my finger off her mouth only to have her move back to it.
Presence not present.

"That was the nicest 'sush' anybody has ever told me." She lightly blushed under my finger. "My name is Pinkie Pie, what's your?"
Hush or shush, your choice.
Yours works better than your there.

After a few minutes of wondering around the streets, I found the address from the paper, it was a small two story home like most of the houses in the town. It was difficult to find an address in most towns here in Equestria so the company would normally provide a ride straight to the customer. Yet I found that beginning by being dropped off by a pegasus drawn carriage put too much attention on me, so I normally take the trains or other forms of public transportation to keep wandering eyes off me. Still, that was harder done than said; you know being a tall two legged omnivorous creature. I checked my watch, I was 20 minutes early; I took a deep breath and lifted the door knocker tapping it twice. As soon as the door knocker tapped a second time I heard a stuff falling and crashing on the other side. I backed away from the door looking over myself one last time, sweeping away what appeared to be confetti off my sleeve.
I think losing beginning by in that sentence would sound better.

"Sorry, it's not in my nature to keep a lady waiting... Miss Roseluck?" I asked as I entered her home, ducking under the doorframe. As I walked in I noticed her eyes going over me, especially my hands. Then I felt more eyes looking over me, as I turned I noticed two pink coated ponies kind of huddling in the corner.
Kind of sounds weak, I think if you omitted that, the sentence would sound better.

“Then forgive my earlier intrusion, would you care for me to leave and return at a more appropriate hour?” I said giving a slight bow.
Early fits much better than earlier in the sentence. This is his first time meeting Roseluck after all.

"So wait, why did you call the 'Gentleman'? I mean I am honored, my lady, it truly is an honor, but why a human?"
Gentlemen, not Gentleman. She called the company Gentlemen. Blaze is A Gentleman. Rose didn't contact him directly.

"Wait, wasn't it weird or strange... I mean..." I quickly moved in front of her and cupped her cheeks with my hands; lifted her face up towards mine. Our lips connected; her lips were soft as rose petals (Now I know why they call her Roseluck). My tongue parted her lips and began to explorer her mouth. I don't really know what happened next, maybe I flipped the right switch in Rose's head, but her long wide tongue began to explorer my mouth, and hard. She was definitely a novice, but her enthusiasm made up for it. As I tried to pull our lips apart she moved in closer to me preventing our lips from separating, and it was getting somewhat difficult to breath. Thank god I fell back onto the ground; as I opened my eyes I looked up at Rose who was standing directly above me her eyes looking back into mine. Her eyes were slightly glazed over, as if she was drunk, and then my nose caught a musky sent in the air.
First you want explore, not explorer.
Second, scent not sent.

When we were finally out of sight she pushed me against the side of a building and shoved her tongue in my mouth again. I felt my pants getting tighter, and the smell of her nether regions was getting stronger. I felt her hooves begin to fidget with my pants, trying to get to my member. She pushed off my lips and tried to remove my pants with her mouth.
This is one of those paragraphs that might benefit from some 'pruning'.

"I'm sorry." Was the last thing I heard before Rose forced her lips upon mine again, pushing me into the shower and up against the wall. As she pulled away her tongue did not, it began to run down my body and over my shaft. My legs gave out, and I fell onto my ass. Rose turned placing her rear in front of me, "Please do something, anything please."
"Please do something, anything please." seems rather... tepid. She's hungry for Blaze to do something, anything to her. Express that desperation she is feeling.

I placed my hands on her thighs and raised my mouth to her waiting wet lips, the musky smell was so strong that I became even more turned on. My tongue began to swirl around her labia and clit, Rose began moaning and after a few seconds she started to grind her marehood against my face. I raised a hand up and then began to slide a finger into her warmth’s. My fingers parted her vertical lips and slid inside rather easily. Suddenly she shuddered and a warm gooey liquid started to pour over my face and chest. She collapsed onto the bathroom floor; she was breathing hard and mumbling the name Celestia over and over again.
Warmth not warmth's

She turned her head to me, and stared at me with a glazed look in her eyes. "Blaze... forgive me if I am to rough."
Too not to.

I know I am jumping into this party a bit late, but, some of the sentences just seem... too wordy. There are sentences that could be restructured and have the word count pared down.

'nother great chap, eagerly awaiting more:twilightsmile:

Thanks for the awesome chapter! I'm totally going to follow you now! XD

Like the origin of his 'Gentleman' name.

Can't wait to go...
BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!:pinkiegasp:

or present, that works too

So is he like Captain Jack Harkness or something?

I like the story. SOmething you might wish to change?

Fudge let out a giggle, “Well we ponies haven’t gotten our urges under control. When we are in heat, our bodies won’t relax or calm down even with masturbation. Unless our bodies get a good help of real jizz, it will remain craving it till the next cycle and it only builds after that.” Fudge replied getting red in the face.
Instead of help, helping seems more appropriate for that section.

Otherwise, epicly cool stuff.

hot damn! :rainbowderp:

I must have some kind of magic cause I was attempting to will this fic to update just yesterday. :pinkiegasp:

And three cheers for Pinkie hopefully included in a future herd.
Luv that sugar-crazed ball of adorable. (it's in my name...) :heart:

Little colt? Toy train on fire? Button! :D
So far so good, highly enjoying this fic and look forward for more!

is every author using cliff hangers now god damn it

3646938 Don't worry you won't be waiting to long, I l'm gonna try to put at leadt two more chapters out this month.... so yeah.

Huzzah for updates! :heart:

Oh, I do believe that matters are preparing to complicate themselves...

You got auto-corrected here.
“They’ll problem toss him in jail, process him, and lock him up for good!” Anne said getting angry with Javier.
You mean probably.

Still doing an awesome story

You know what, this story is kinda growing in on me...:twilightsmile:

Applejack gave a lite blush but ignored my comment,

light

i just thought i could point that out for you. It's in chapter twelve. :twilightblush:

have a moustache; you earned it and more: :moustache::trollestia::yay::unsuresweetie::twistnerd::scootangel::trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright::facehoof::heart::derpyderp1::derpytongue2::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

No word of a lie, I was just showing this fic to a few friends last night for them to read, and I said I hope he uploads a new chapter soon I love this fic. I signed on today and saw that you uploaded one, I nearly jumped for joy! :rainbowkiss: I haven't read the latest chapter yet but I just wanted to say thank you for reading my mind and making an amazing story!

James is an extremely lucky bastard. He not only is gonna get married but the rest of his team is joining him as his herd? From what I remember from earlier chapters, that'll make around 10-12 mares to the herd,including his soon to be wife. :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

well...

that preview seems just a tad dark...

can't wait to see where this goes from here :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Neeok deleted Feb 4th, 2014

3897456 lolz, I can't believe somepony actually did this.

Yep, LMessenger hit the nail on the head with this story.

So Silver Heart said she loves Blaze yet she was going back to Gibsons house (most likely to fuck Gibson)?

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