When the weird new girl Lucy comes to her school and seems to be oddly fixated on her, Jennifer remembers another weird girl from earlier in her life. The best baby sitter she ever had, and her equally unusual friends. Penelope, the coolest, funnest (it's a word!), and best friend she ever made, until she suddenly up and left town without warning, never even bothering to so much as send a letter,
(actual ponies of the four legged variety appear in chapter 3! Sorry it takes so long :x)
Gets a little bloodyish in chapter 12 so I threw the gore tag on to be safe! It's not really graphic but y'know.
Now with a sequel! If you liked this one check out Settling In too. :o
Chapters (13)
No one commented this? That's awful: this story is beautiful!
Keep on the good work
Haha well thanks! I figured the thumbs up I've been getting were encouragement enough. XD
1977603
A nice point of view
Very very nice
Just one thing I nothiced: you referred twice to Rainbow mane/tail as monocromatic, while it's multicromatic (
from greek, mono=one, multi=many)
Oops. Now I gotta hunt all those down and fix em haha. Thanks though. :x
1985091
My pleasure
I just hope not to have sounded too much nerdy
This is a very interesting concept, and a nice little twist / change on the HiE and Discord combo. I'll be watching this to see where it goes. Your writing is mostly solid too, nothing sticks out.
I'm pretty sure the lone knight in the dragon graveyard is a reference, but I cannot remeber
Anyway, a very nice chapter
Mmm...it could very well be a reference to SOMETHING. I've read hundreds of fantasy novels so the imagery very well could have come from one of them and stuck haha. Glad you enjoyed though. XD
I'm liking how this story is coming along, can't wait for the next chapter
Interesting beginning. I found this story because someone put your story into a group of mine... and I'm kind of happy to see a girl protagonist in Equestria those are pretty rare.
I've been noticing that! Which is funny because I assumed more of the writers would be women. :o Of course maybe they just like using male leads. Who can say? XD
Minor grammar mistake you made here:
The rest of the afternoon went great. First was the good food, than Pennie dumped out a big bag of all sorts of outdoor games and activities that everyone jumped in on.
Here's the fix:
The rest of the afternoon went great. First was the good food, then Pennie dumped out a big bag of all sorts of outdoor games and activities that everyone jumped in on.
This reminds me of another story that our founder has made. But this time it's not exactly the same way but it brings the same feelings of negatives. Our founder's story was sad and dissappointment, yours is sad and rage. I guess "Pennie's friends" showed up that day just to take her away. I can't believe it.
In some semi related news I thought of this music when Pennie introduced herself since she is weird even for Pony standards:
This is the music I thought of when everyone is spending time in the party:
And this is the last one about Pennie's farewell.
Haha the last one is so sad! Which I guess is the point of the scene so it fits. XD
This looks like to be a slow change. I'm glad she get to be a human for as long as possible in Equestria rather than changing immediately. I'm now curious as to how this story will unfold.
Crap! What an exciting cliffhanger and an exciting adventure to start especially with a worrying time limit, like Jen turning, hopefully the heores will clear things with the guards right?
Wow this is getting to be just like the comic book. It's all so exciting and dangerous at the same time. I wonder what kind of adventures that'll happen and "issues" you wrote before I reached the end.
Haha, keep reading! And yeah her change will be slow, and spread out over at least one or two more stories. >_> I'm also an avid comic nerd :x Most of my writing comes from DMing DnD adventures for a group of folks so the bulk of my stories will be along the swords and sorcery line of adventures. The next installment is going to be a bit slower paced but I have a third story in mind that'll probly be heavier on the action stuff than this one.
Oh yeah, how's that for an exciting adventure? You sure know how to write it's a shame you're not getting the attention you deserve for your writing right, maybe you should join the girls for equestria group I saw a while a back. This should help you get even more attention if you do. :D
So the next change is her ears. I wonder, before she goes full pony the last form she'll take is an anthropomorphic pony. The way you described her hooves reminds me of how I see the hooves of my characters and that they too feel like their hands are kind of squeezed shut. Given her way of life, I wouldn't be surprised if she stayed as a pony forever, but with a story like this how can a better solution not come up by the end of this tale? :D
That was kind of fast about how they made it to the abandoned town so quickly and I'm not sure if it was nice or kind of sad that Cranky gave Pinkie the Fridge Horror about what happened to townsfolk. But it was kind of obvious to anyone who's basically an adult by now. Anyway it's great that Cranky helped Pinkie Pie in more ways than one. In the end he's still a nice man rather than a usual bad guy. I just hope Pinkie won't get caught up in Jen's and Discord's battle in the usual movie moment like getting herself stabbed to save Jen or something.
Just like I said this is beginning to look more like a movie the longer I read into it, I honestly thought there was going to be 2-3 more chapters before reaching the town, but this is fine as well. You also made a couple of mistakes in this one just minor typos and stuff here they are and the solutions:
Mistake 1 and Solution 1:
The very first word of this chapter should've been "They" instead of "the."
Mistake 2:
Pinkie just screwed up her face, more confused than ever. “Well of course silly, ever filly learns the story of Hearth’s Warming. The weather got colder and colder the more the tribes fought! So the leaders of the three tribes went out on their own to find new homes!”
Solution 2:
Pinkie just screwed up her face, more confused than ever. “Well of course silly, every filly learns the story of Hearth’s Warming. The weather got colder and colder the more the tribes fought! So the leaders of the three tribes went out on their own to find new homes!”
2015492
When I read other stories, I tend to get bored and gloss of really big descriptive text blocks. So when I write in my head I say "Man I sure don't like reading this stuff, why would I write it?" So I don't. My stuff tends to be a bit too concise and to the point for my liking, but it's just the way I am I guess haha.
2016459
So the short cut really was that much of a short cut. Okay then, no time like the present instead of handling silly gags and stuff to try to make a human-sized pony girl look normal.
As always, very nice
2018363
Thanks much. :o Couple more chapters and it'll be done I think. :x
2018575
I imagined so, since it's reaching the climax... Still I love this story
Will be interesting if she becomes full pony
Finding out that there are only one or two chapters left after reading this exciting chapter made me sad. I wonder if you can answer all the questions in one chapter, but I feel like there should really be two more if this is true.
As much as I like to see Jen hold up on her own on Discord, but I liked the Reality Ensues moment from the fight. Jen really just got that sword not to long ago and Discord is literally her first opponent with it and to make it even worse, he's an experienced fighter. So realitically, it would be surprising if Jen managed to hit him a couple of times with her blade before receiving magical assistance, but I still would like her to get him at least once, so I'll just count the shield bash as an instead. The way Discord was toying with Jen throughout the entire fight by making her think she got him figured out before he steps it up with a move she didn't see before reminds me of this boss fight from Skyward Sword:
Of course the way he fights and toys with the herorine is better than Ghirahim's method even if he was being way lax about since he's the first boss of the game and he is a video game character. Another thing that Jen's battle with Discord reminded of is the final battle of Shanghai Knights. Now I'm sad about Jackie Chan's Last Action Movie as the main hero, I don't think I actually saw it yet. After checking TV Tropes the last action movie he said he'll be starring in is called Armour of God 3. I'm getting off topic, let's get back to the story.
I really, really hope Jen will still have time to actually spend some good quality time with her friends instead of having to go back immediately due to this adventure. Speaking of friends, I also hope that Rainbow Dash will somehow convince the Princesses to save Lighting Dust, not because she's her friend, but nopony deserves a fate like that, and I'll feel better of Dash's latest rival is still alive for future sports events. Even though it might be too late for everyone else in the town (and may not actually happen in your story), but it would be nice if they could find a way to save everyone else in the town along with Lighting Dust. Besides Lighting Dust I think Trixie will be fine if Twilight can try to let Trixie rebuild her reputation from Ponyville first before going back to travelling.
Although now I wonder how Discord will honor his agreement.
Okay wow, just when I finished posting my last message this new chapter shows up and answers some of my questions. Although I am worried about how easily Jen is staying here in Equestria, but I feel like it's for the best and it would be better if her family knows about this, that she's making this big change in her life and grabbing it by the horns. I'm reminded of another girl who had a similar problem with deciding to stay which world she wants to live in, but the actions of her parents pushed her away to stay in the other world when she was finally reunited with them. I'm talking about the All American Girl story where a pony was raised as a human on Earth and by the time she was a teenager (roughly around the same age as Jennifer), certain... circumstances gave her the opportunity to go back home to Equestria. Even though what really happened there left a bad impression on her real family, she at least had a chance to meet with them before she decided to stay on Earth. Basically if Jennifer is going to stay in Equestria forever, I would rather have her say good bye to her real family first. Although I think the best ending if there is something more special about this crystal that Discord and Jennifer shared that allowed her to "break the rules" and travel between worlds freely.
Wow, you surprised me
: I saw her staying in Equestria (kinda clichè, no offense (it's still the best way
)) but I definitely didn't see neither Discord's reabilitation, neither Celestia having some shocking truth to reveal...
Definitely a good job
2024631
Haha well thanks. As for Discord, I don't really like one-dimensional characters so while I was writing I decided early on (before I saw Keep Calm and Flutter On) that I wanted him to be more of a tragic villain, like the Ice King on Adventure TIme. So I had planned for him to get to the semi-rehabilitated state SOMEhow.
As for Celestia, I'm taking alot of liberties with some things, but since there's so little actual background on the Alicorns in general, I figure I can do whatever I want with em for the most part. XD
2024642
Messing with teir untold background is the best
well that was a very good story and i hope you will tell us what the name of the next series will be.
2027834
Thanks! I'm glad you liked haha. My next story is going to be called Umbral Shadows. It'll be about a new character, though in the same setting as Jen's. A sort of companion or side story I guess? I dunno the word for it haha. I have more stuff for Jennifer planned to, but I got this new idea in my head and the more I thought about it the more I wanted to do it first so...the first chapter of THAT should be up in the next few days.
Great story, nice ending not clichè-ish and very well done in leaving open space for a sequel
I'll keep an eye on you
2029785
Thanks! Glad you liked. Chapter 1 of my next story should be up today or tomorrow. :x
*Reads first chapter*......*instantly likes.*
I can tell this is gonna be good.
The Pegasus looked over at the girl walking beside her in a new light. “Know what kid? Yer alright. Sound a lot like me, and matching my awesomeness is NOT hard to do.”
Errr, look closely at what RD says here. "Not hard to do?"
2030887
In my country the meanings of easy and hard are reversed! (yes that is an acceptable excuse)
Really, this deserves more views and likes than it has already. Good adventure and look forward to reading the next part you put out.
2050882
Thanks for the kind words! The next part of Jen's story will be started in a bit. I'm working with another lead now in Umbral Shadows. The two stories will intersect at parts, though you won't need to read one to enjoy the other haha.
Erm. I think you mean Rainbow's PRONE form.
Not Prostate. Prostate is a bundle of nerves on the inside of your butt.
"ripply muscle and chiseled good lucks"
rippled muscles and chiseled good looks.
“So! The Princesses want us to head to Canterlot! "
wants us to head to Canterlot
A few punctuation bits, here and there, but overall, an enjoyable tale. Good work.
2101683
Thanks, gladja liked. My only editor is my spell checker so some errors'll slip through here and there. :x
2101806
I'll gladly help if I can with any future edits if you'd like.
I don't know how this isn't more popular.
This is a very well paced adventure/thriller novel, with twists and turns at all the best places. I can't wait to read more of the hopefully continuing adventures of Jennie-bean. I have criticize you on your very sloppy grammar and spelling, but most of the mistakes seemed to stem from being in to much of a hurry, and not a complete misunderstanding of the English language. I would recommend having someone else go over this to find the mistakes that you as the author would be prone to miss.
In summation; great pacing, sloppy grammar, can't wait for more.
2350218
Haha well thanks. Yeah grammar can be a weak point, unless you're referring to the grammar in dialogue in which case in some cases its intentionally bad. It makes the speaking sound more natural to me.
I had a guy looking over my stuff but he got busy so eh, I spell check and look through best I can but I miss alot obviously haha.
Jen does have another (much longer no less) story called Settling In. The pacing is a bit slower but it picks up at the end, and the third part of the story is in prologue form right now. That one'll be more like this.