... And Tells Bon Bon All About It
Lyra walked into the house, saddlebags bulging as the sunset framed her figure before the door closed behind her. Bon Bon had already made it home, as the earth pony typically closed the shop early on Sunday evenings.
"Hey Bon Bon, you would not believe the day I had today!" Lyra cheerfully greeted her girlfriend as she levitated her saddlebags to rest upon the stand next to the doorway.
"I think the same goes for me Lyra. Apparently the deadly trio managed to get away from Rarity's supervision... Again! I swear, I don't know how they manage it, but I was finding sweets all over the place for hours afterwards, even with Twilight coming over to help clean up." Bon Bon let out a long sigh, as this wasn't the first time the tiny terrors of Ponyville had visited her shop.
"Oh, what were they trying to do this time? Last time was the 'Cutie Mark Crusaders Sweets Exterminators', right? It can't be much worse than them trying to eat everything in your shop!"
Bon Bon fixed Lyra with a deadly glare that could rival Fluttershy's legendary gaze at the remark the mint green unicorn offered up. "Well, they decided this time around they would try 'Cutie Mark Crusaders Inventory Keepers'. And now that Sweetie can do some levitation and Scootaloo can fly... It was hell. So, top that Lyra!"
"Well, remember... Humans?" Bon Bon raised a hoof to her face as Lyra began down this trail that had been walked down oh so many times before. It was the one vice that she was simply unable to get the unicorn to break, and she simply had to put up with it and humor her marefriend while she rambled on about the 'mysterious creatures' that had supposedly once dwelled in the lands. She simply sighed as the tirade began to assault her ears once more.
"Well, as you know, it has been brought up that at one point in the past some sort of creatures shared the lands with us. Of course, neither of the sisters will ever confirm or deny such a thing, but bits and pieces of their culture show themselves in our society, and artifacts sometimes appear out of randomly thin air! No one knows what happened to them or where they went, but there is a growing community that is sure of their existence!" Another groan broke Lyra's speech, Bon Bon already thinking out the next words in her head of this speech that seemed to come up at least once a month.
"Well, the most amazing thing about them is that, although they have no magic or the ability to use any, they have... Hands! Little things like Spike's paws, they can manipulate objects much better than we can with our hooves, and it is that distinguishing factor that makes them so unique! Just imagine it Bon Bon, being able to do the things we do in half, no quarter the time it takes a non unicorn to do it in! Plus, they're so tall!"
"Well, I saw one today!" Bon Bon stopped mid groan, unsure of what she had just heard.
"Come again Lyra? What did you just say?"
"I saw a human today! It was awesome!"
"Lyra... I think you need to cut back on Pinkie's specialty cupcakes, apparently the ingredients aren't safe." The unicorn completely ignored her and continued on.
"Well, you see, I was walking along the edge of the Everfree because I wanted to go ask Fluttershy a question. Midway to her cottage though, I heard a fierce yell, from something I had never heard before. Out of the treeline came a human, followed by a manticore not ten seconds later, and man did it look pissed!" Bon Bon was staring at Lyra with her jaw nearly to the floor as Lyra continued on, oblivious to the effect her words were having on her marefriend.
"Then, the human killed the manticore!"
"Okay, now I know for a fact you need to quit eating Pinkie's food. I'm forcing you to go on a diet Lyra, and no weird mushrooms anymore either!" Bon Bon managed to gasp out as Lyra momentarily came to a halt in her narration. "So, let's say I humor you. What happened next, and how come the human isn't here, hmm?"
"Oh, so the human stopped in the clearing and pulled out some sort of knife. It was kind of small, but it stopped and faced down the manticore. It dodged two swipes that had been sent at it before lunging in and getting a nice slash on the manticore's face. That made it really angry, and they ended up fighting for another few minutes."
"Wait... So, you just sat there and watched them fight? Didn't step in and help out or do anything at all whatsoever?" Bon Bon asked Lyra, still in complete disbelief at the fantasy being weaved by the unicorn.
"Nope, it was too much fun watching the human move and work while it was fighting! They really can bend in odd shapes... That gives me an idea for tonight... Anyways, so eventually the fight came to an end when the human managed to strike it in the throat... Kinda gruesome really, good thing I hadn't eaten yet." Lyra paused, head tilted to the side somewhat as she thought about something.
"It's a real shame though."
"What is a shame Lyra?" The earth pony asked after a silence had filled the air for over a minute.
"Well, it died. It seems the manticore managed to stab the human in the chest with its tail after taking that fatal blow, and the human collapsed right after."
"And, you didn't go to nopony with this information or once thought about stepping in, really? So, where is your proof? It all sounds like some tall tale to me!"
"Oh, just one second, I've got the proof for you." Lyra turned her attention back towards her saddlebags and began rummaging around them with her magic, finding what she was looking for with an exclamation of glee. Bringing two oversized jars up and out in to the air, Bon Bon keeled over backwards on the couch out cold at the sight of what they contained.
"See, here is my proof! HANDS!"
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Haha... I wasn't quite sure what to expect when you said 'dark', but this fit the bill quite nicely.
1871912
To me, Dark humor is simply finding humor in the side of things that typically taken at face value alone aren't funny. In this case, death. And drats, already a down thumb, whatever shall I do?
Hope you enjoyed it, was a nice challenge to see if I could manage something within a certain time constraint.
1871917
Eh, you can't please everyone. I for one enjoyed this short little tail. (get it!?) Some people have a very 'limited' taste of humor, and some, like me and you are a little disturbed. Then again, I prefer to say we have a... 'unique' taste of humor.
1871928
Nah, although honestly writing is more for my enjoyment, I'm just lucky I'm gathering a small following with what I've written so far.
And puns, puns puns everywhere! I've loved them since Piers Anthony's Xanth series.
Its fun to be able to enjoy all sorts of humor. Think the darkest I've enjoyed to date was the movie that came out last year, God Bless America. Wrong on every level imaginable, yet so hilarious.
1871934
:D Seen it. Also, even though I use puns myself sometimes, I hate them myself. I despise puns like ''everypony", or in the fallout crossover, "stables" as vaults. Anyway, nice having the little conversation with you.
1871953
Hope you at least got a good laugh out of it, if not, well, I apologize for nothing.
ha, man. finally, a human dies from a manticore attack. on a side note, hope lyra gets some mileage out of those hands.
followin'
I must hand it to you on this story. On the offhand, it was rather different.........
Now Bon Bon HAS to say that Lyra is....... Handy around the house!
I regret nothing!
1872445
Indeed, I was somewhat inspired partially by a spinoff verse from a TV show that had authors writing self inserts, yet they all miraculously lived. Then one person posted two lines, basically, I came, I died.
And thanks for the follow, I hope I don't disappoint. I've got two other fics up if you haven't gotten to take a look yet, one being an HiE Romance, and the other a TwiLuna Comedy Romance. I might have more of these one and done type stories as ideas come and go.
1872446
I just raffed out roud!
This is why I wrote such a thing, I love seeing other folks get a good laugh out of off the wall ideas.
Ok...
1872505
Mind Blown, perhaps?
1872518
Slightly, but at least she just took the hands and not some other body "part".
1872548
While that would have been just as humorous, without a supply of blood flow to said organ, things would've been overly complicated, even with the application of magic... Oh wait, maybe that was a bit too much?
If you enjoyed it though, I am glad.
Ummm... that's more like totally insane with only a little bit of humor in it...
1872828
Nah, only a mild case of insanity. Hope you enjoyed it!
Continue.
1873074
For now it is complete.
HOWEVER... My mind is a curious thing.
1873081
In a bad way, I hope.
1873089
oh, of course. I kind of like dark humor, I might end up doing 30 minute speed challenges for myself in the future with a general reoccurring theme. Especially if it plants itself in my head like this one did.
1873097
This shall not only plant itself but grow to the height of a grown Fluttershy.
Also insane Lyra; how come you can't get any more dark humor from this?
1873119
Lol, I wanted to end it on the punchline of HANDS. While I could have included more morbid humor, I didn't want to delve too deeply, so having her stand back while simply watching the human get killed, and then collecting its hands for her own was enough for my end goal. Plus, getting Bon Bon to faint. Yup.
So dark and disturbing its hilarious.
Well played good sir.
1873184
Thank you kindly!
Haha, that end got me good XD
1873253
Glad to know one can willingly play into a cliche / stereotype and still amuse folks!
1873191
You are most certainly welcome.
I actually found it more hilarious because i rote a story with a human doing the exact same thing. XD
Very entertaining, I couldn't stop laughing!!!
Exactly what a good comedy should be. I didn't notice any errors.
Here, have a mustache.
*snort*
And I cannot unsee
DAT ENDING!!!
I can't stop laughing.
1874510
I am glad to hear that, and most happy that you enjoyed it. A, hrmm, idea is forming in my head for a potential running small series concerning similar humor.
1875002
1875136
SEE NO EVIL.
1875299
Glad to know!
1875312 Well if you write more of these I"ll certainly read it.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
1875331
That was awesome!
Ok, Lyra has now crossed the line into being fetishistic, and she has now officially creeped me out!
Lyra: blissfully ignorant of the fact that now she'll be considered insane for keeping bodyparts in jars.
Rather amusing, and it's nice to see a humans in equestria fanfic that doesn't assume humans will be saviors or destroyers of ponykind (these ponies are tough, pplz. Do YOU live within walking distance of your natural predators?). I also tend to enjoy creepy takes on Lyra.
The story does break my suspension of disbelief a bit with the human winning. How does one person take on a scorpion-tailed winged lion with nothing but a knife and win? Wouldn't it make more sense for the human to die, or, if you really need the human to win, then be better armed?
Totally did not see that coming.
Kind of grimdark and ...casually violent... for a pony story of my liking, but still, you really got me there.
*like'd*
Like most others here, didn't see that one coming!
I guess it was the lack of the "Dark" tag that did it. (Not usually into those sorts of stories, so It surprised me.) Other than that, the dialogue between Lyra and Bon Bon was good, and Lyra's "obsession" over humans wasn't drastically overdone, as I've seen in other fics.
Have you done the sequel yet? As dark as this one is, you've got me interested!
All I can think of is ponies with hats when I read that last line.
Lyra has a hunger that only hands can satisfy...
This was very amusing!
P.S.: 7 Manticores disliked this.
What did you expect her to do? Walk into the blender that is a knife/claw fight? She's a prey animal! A small prey animal!
3503002
3503002
is that a "this sucks" or is it a "wtf are you think you do on my website faget"
3504752
watch out space he might bash you with his pilfered colt-tendo
...damnit, Lyra.
Somehow, I don't think Bon Bon approves of desecrating the dead, especially when you throw it in her face.
Glad I found this story, though. It's a good read.
Lyra no!