• Member Since 16th May, 2012
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Idsertian


British, Brony, plays vidjya garmez. Also ships ponies, because reasons. Twilight and Luna are tied for Best Princess.

T
Source

Being Captain of the Wonderbolts certainly makes life easy. Everything a Pegasus could ever want is available in bucketfuls: Money, fame, glory, a good team and anything else on tap.
Spitfire has been riding this metaphorical high for years. She lives fast, but well. From the outside, she appears to take her gifts and lifestyle for granted, but those few close enough to the golden pony know her as one of the kindest, most thoughtful ponies around.
So why doesn't she have a special somepony yet? Even though her celebrity status affords her many suitors of both genders, all of her relationships have failed sooner rather than later. This has gone on for some time, but is all about to change due to a chance meeting with a certain mare in a Canterlot nightclub...

Author's Notes: Written for TAW's 2012 shipping competition. Rated Teen for alcohol consumption and minor sexual references.

A thousand thank-you's to Tchernobog for allowing me to use Mood Wings as a reference for pegasus wing-language; and for pointing out an error in my narration technique. Go give the dude some love.
A shout-out should also be made to futzi01 of deviantart, whose upload of the canon map of Equestria I used as reference for several things.
Also, thanks go out to Epidemiix and Chrono212 of the Escapist for giving me feedback while I was writing.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 73 )

This is a good story, and well-written at that, but it's not quite my cup 'o tea.

It's nice, yes, and I'll read it later, but I just personally don't like it.

Good job so far! It's an interesting read.

1738574

Why thank you, kind sir or madam. I think. Your rather contradictory comment confuses me, but I think I detect the hint of a compliment in there. :rainbowlaugh:

I should probably say here, that any and all constructive criticism is welcome from anybody.

1738583

Please, by all means, take your time. And thanks for the watch, though I may disappoint with large amounts of inactivity. :twilightblush:

Poly-amorous huh...:applejackconfused:...well this adds a whole new dimension to that pesky sexual orientation thingy. I'm guessing that being poly-amorous is the Equestrian social equivalent of what being an actual homosexual is in the real world. The orientation kinda makes sense in a way. Ponies are herd animals after all.

Unique and wonderful.

1739353

Not exactly; Poli-amorous relationships are real and don't need to involve strictly homosexual people but do often involve bisexual people nonetheless. Heck! It could even involve just straight people.:eeyup:

Here's a wiki definition(yes, I know wiki's reputation, but think of it as a base for further search if it piked your interest):

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning "many" or "several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from both swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and polysexuality (which is attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes)[citation needed].

Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly, is often described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy." The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved. Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse. The majority of polygamous cultures are traditionally polygynous, where one husband has multiple wives. Polyandrous societies, in which one wife has multiple husbands, are less common but do exist.[2] Marriage is not a requirement in polyamorous relationships. The "knowledge and consent of all partners concerned"[3] is a defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships. Distinguishing polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (e.g., "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved.[4][5] As of July 2009, it was estimated that more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships existed in the United States.[6][7]

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, polyamory may embark on a polyamorous relationship when single or already in a monogamous or open relationship. Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships, which commonly consist of people seeking to build long-term relationships with more than one person on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationships. In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiation of boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.[8] Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. The skills and attitudes needed to manage polyamorous relationships add challenges that are not often found in the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships. Polyamory may require a more fluid and flexible approach to love relationship, and yet operate on a complex system of boundaries or rules. Additionally, participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have, nor expect their partners to have, preconceptions as to the duration of the relationship, in contrast to monogamous marriages where a lifelong union is generally the goal. However, polyamorous relationships can and do last many years.

This was a nice read. Simple and yet the story as a whole came across rather well. Even the' teasing' was done in a tasteful manner.:trollestia:

It was... interesting to read a polyamorous relationship-fic. It's easy to see the appeal, as well as understand why it's not very... um... popular, so it certainly broadens my perspective of relationships by the way this story(as well as the definition itself) portrays it.:eeyup:

Lovely! I love all the little wing details :rainbowkiss:

also:

“You seem happy,” I remarked, a sly grin slowly spreading across my face. “A potential future Mrs. Hooves, perhaps?”
Derpy's wings snapped shut and she stopped fidgeting on her stool. She looked down at the counter, cheeks flushing and a lop-sided, embarrassed grin of her own on her lips.
“Um...no. Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I haven't really decided if I should approach her or not. Anyway,” she continued, looking back up at me with a cute “matter-of-fact” look on her face. “It doesn't matter, we're not talking about Twilight, we were talking about my other wife.”

And the other part. Makes me :pinkiehappy: a lot!

edit: also, I might have to steal the pegasus names thing. That's brilliant :D (what do you imagine is Dash's?)

1739353 1742790

I actually intended for it to simply be a case of most ponies would find it gross, or be weirded out by it, as you would expect to find in reality. However, both your comments do validate the idea that initially tried to put itself to my word processor when I started writing this; one of Spitfire writing an autobiography about her experiences of being a lesbian and poly-amorous in Canterlot, a place that detests such things in a self-hating manner.

May actually write that anyway, as a side-fic perhaps, or on its own merit. Maybe. :trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright:

1743639

I thought you'd like that little nod to the TwiDerp at the end of Mood Wings. :pinkiehappy: Which "other part" are you talking about? The end when Firrii's summing up the past couple of years?
Speaking of the end, did it come across as rushed at all? I was seriously cramming by the time I was writing that, as I needed to get it finished. I even had to throw out one or two ideas I was planning to fit in the story. Namely, Firrii returning to Ponyville with Rainbow after her promised training session, only to find Lily had caught up with her and was facing off with Derpy in the streets. A fight ensued, Derpy got seriously hurt by the time Firrii could stop Lily; and she ends up looking after Derpy, much like Derpy did for Rose, bringing them even closer (on reflection, that may have been out of place here).
As for the Cloudsdalian names, I was literally pulling that out of my arse. :rainbowlaugh: All I did was modify the various vowel sounds and then marmalise the consonants around them. Thus, Spitfire becomes Speesha-Firrii. Hooves was tricky, but I just fell back on my preference for round sounding words, so it became Hoovaea. I suppose her full name would equate to Deetcha Hoovaea, if you take her...*shudders*..."PC" name, or Daypa Hoovaea if you take her proper name (you may gather I don't like her revised name).
Rainbow's name is a hell of a lot trickier, due to being longer. Let's see now...without her rather adorable middle name (that I totally made up, ofc), I suppose it could end up: Raieenbana-Deesha, which sounds totally awesome when you say it out loud. With her middle name, Raieenbana-Merwitter-Deesha, though I have to admit, that doesn't sound as cool.

Oh yeah, feel free to use the Cloudsdalian names and make your own; I think it would quite churlish of me to say "no" after you let me use Mood Wings. :twilightoops: :twilightblush:

1744256
Yeah, I mean the summary. I mean, being a summary, it does feel a bit rushed, but it fits. It's an epilogue of sorts. A fight with lily would have kindof spoiler the mood, I think (especially if you're bringing them together through beatings >_>). Would've loved to see Rainbow's first training session though!

Hmm. I see Dash's last name as Daashi. So Pinkie calling her "Dashie" is unconsciously recalling her cloudsdalian name. I can think of how to use it, too :trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

1744325

That's so obvious, I missed it. :rainbowlaugh: Yes, Raieenbana-Merwitter-Daashi, genius! :pinkiehappy:

Also, I never intended to show the training session. Don't think that would've helped the story any. Firrii's telling the story of how she met and came to live with Derpy, putting that in there would've slowed down the story, imo. :applejackunsure:

1744368
Hm, true. Unless Derpy was involved somehow on the sidelines. I just have Dashii-tinted glasses :rainbowlaugh:

1744407

What you did there, I see it. :moustache:

What about Fluttershy, though? Flitt-reshee? Flitt-reshii? Flusha-shay (bit close to futa-shy, so maybe not :twilightoops: )? Flaysha-shay? Flaesha-shiee?

Hmmm.... :trixieshiftleft:

1744729
Oddly enough, I think :coolphoto: had the right idea. Floota-shai!

1744881

I never really liked that name beyond the joke factor. :applejackunsure:

Thinking is required on my part, perhaps.

1746018

I thought of something like that, but it seemed too obvious. Isn't there a pony called "Flitter" as well? :rainbowhuh:

1747067
There is. There'd be overlap with names though! Flutter is close enough to Flitter that it doesn't matter :rainbowlaugh:

1748779

I wonder if it could be explained that "Fluttershy" is merely a Canterlottian mispronunciation of her name? I say Canterlottian, as it's probably safe to assume that the capital's language is the dominant one, much like English is the dominant trade language of the world; seeing as how there isn't a language barrier anywhere in the show. /overanalysation

Interesting...interesting... :moustache:

EDIT: Oh yes, I should probably say thanks for the favourite as well, by the way. :twilightblush:

1744256

A follow-up story? Do take your time if you're gonna go through with it. I'd be expecting the same decent writing from you after all.:twistnerd:

As for my exact thoughts on multiple-love?:

I like the idea of several people lovingly coming together as a family of sorts in this way. It certainly seems like something that a lot of people could benefit from. If offered, I may actually consider to join such a group since it's technically dating several people at a time and then work out what's what. Of course, I AM a traditionalist in the sense that I will settle for just one special woman in my life but... who knows?
Life is not as short as some people make it out to be after all; A lot can happen.

As for the negative side? I'm guessing it mainly has to do with this:
A. Religion is involved in several of these types of relationships.(This may be off putting for many right off the bat. I don't care for religion, period..... Although that does not mean I won't talk to someone who is religious.:unsuresweetie:)
B. People mistake Polygamy from a Mormon P.O.V. with Poly-amorous.(One guy, many seemingly equally dressed women{Often but not always}. Not my thing, but as long as the man is a good man and the women get along, I won't criticize the relationship itself.:eeyup:)
C. Is generally NOT accepted by society.(I'm not very judgmental but I can't help but find it silly that people get bothered by things that are ultimately trivial. An older person taking advantage of a child however is NOT trivial as far as I'm concerned; I've got standards dammit!:ajbemused:)

And there goes my two bits...:rainbowkiss:

1751713

Nah, it wouldn't be a follow up. It would end up completely unrelated to Firedance if I chose to write it. Only link it would have would be that the idea was seeded during the writing of Firedance.

As for polyamory, I have no problem with it, personally. People gonna peep and all that. The main reason this fic was born was because competition with prizes! :pinkiegasp: :pinkiehappy: That, and I thought it'd be fun to write.

1752121
A new story from you sounds good either way.:moustache:

A contest? Did you win yet?:pinkiesmile:

1752157

I wonder if anyone actually reads story descriptions? :rainbowlaugh:

Yes, fimfic's very own TAW proposed a competition to her followers. Ship multiple ponies with a happy ending. No common ships and no crack ships. Dunno when she'll get to judging, as she's reportedly busy, so I'll just have to wait to see how I do.

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest I'll probably not even rate. With around 2k followers to her name, there's always a bigger fish. :eeyup:

1752187

Heh! I read the story description, but ignored the rest. Perhaps I should be more thorough.:facehoof:

1750343
really loving your Language comments with 1748779 :derpytongue2:
you really do rock, and I like the Flitt-reshii version of Flutter's name in Cloudsdalian :yay:

1759243

Why thank you. :pinkiehappy:

I think I scared Tcherny off, though. He hasn't been back since my last message to him. :rainbowlaugh:

1759259
ahh well, somehow I tend to do that as well
more often than not by ranting XS
so could you explain in simple terms how you make the cloudsdalian?
I'm not the brightest of people, especially when it comes to languages :eeyup:

1759288

I'm really doing nothing particularly clever. Just changing the sounds of letters to something that seems to fit. No logic or rule system being applied, no fancy knowledge being brought to bear. I'm not sure how I can describe what I'm doing, tbh. :rainbowhuh:

I mean, taking Spitfire's name as an example, what I did was the following:

Spitfire
"Sp" stays the same. "I" is modified into a different vowel sound, becoming "ee". "T" is completely gutted and replaced with "sha"; while I'm pretty sure I made it up, I wouldn't be surprised to find a real language that pronounces its "t's" like that. "F" stays as is. Second "I" remains too, but is modified from the long "eye" to become the short "ih" by what comes after. "R" was accompanied by another to indicate a change in language and to add accent; thus rolling it (think of how Russian's pronounce it). While "E" was visually replaced, the more exotic looking "ii" sounds exactly the same; but again implies a different language. Hyphenate the two because Speeshafirrii looks weird and you get:
Speesha-Firrii

However, that doesn't carry through to Raieenbana-Dashii (the first part of which I made to just sound similar to Rainbow; credit for the second half goes purely to Tcherno), Deetcha/Daypa Hoovaea (which I put very little thought into), or the as-yet-undecided name for Fluttershy; as, like I said, there is no logic or rules being applied to them. The only constraint I put on myself is that it must bear some resemblance to the original name.

I hope that explains it. :unsuresweetie:

1759412
honestly? Thats awesome XD
I understand a little more about the way you make the cloudsdalian names
might I suggest Flitt-reshii (flit resh ee) or fluja-shae (flu ja shay)
they kinda stood out as fitting in to my headcannon versions of your cloudsdalian :rainbowlaugh:

The whole multi-love thing was a bit weird for me but i kept an open mind! Really cute story once you accepted that part!

And besides, its something new, and new is good.

1777051

First one is certainly resonating with me, at the moment. Like I said, will have to think on and experiment with it more. :raritywink:

1777722

Why thank you. I aimed to please with it. :rainbowdetermined2: :scootangel:

That it's a first person fic doesn't necessarily have to be a detriment, but combined with the ship being BG pony x BG pony, I was very unsure of what to expect from this. In many ways I was pleasantly surprised, and some things didn't resonate with me fully.

First, characterization is an interesting thing when you use BG ponies, because if you don't recognize canon, you make them OC's wearing a BG pony's skin. Spitfire in this fic, I can totally see. You have a lot of freedom using ponies with so little air time, so you basically just need to hit a few basic markers and you're golden. Derpy, however, I wonder about. Don't get me wrong here. I really like the pony you've portrayed, and she carries her role in the fic well, but when she has multiple canon appearances that show her as a clutz, ignoring that and having the only nod to her being "muffins", I feel it kind of missed that one hoop.

You use a lot of worldbuilding stuff. Perhaps it's preferential, but I felt the whole "Cloudsdalian" thing was a little forced. We have the names dumped on us very early and very fast, and the fic makes a deal out of trying to separate the ponies--and the towns. The problem with the names isn't that it's not "canon"; heavens, adding headcanon and/or other worldbuilding to a fic is why we write, isn't it? I just think it's odd to hear them use them so overtly, because it makes these headcanony things so prominent that, if they were true, they would show in episodes. All these little things seem to serve to make all the pony types and the cities so much more apart.

Again, it could be preference, but I winced a little at many of these, and at times, they were overused; I don't need to be told that somepony's wings jittering is a clear sign of agitation when the words alone tell that. It got a bit much.

Okay, before it sounds like I hate this fic - not even close to the case - let me mention things I really liked.

The fic is very well written. There are some bits that are a little tell-y, and at times the language tends towards short and simple sentences, but that varies. Overall, this is really well written. The humanized angle with nightclubs and alcohol and sexual allusions felt a little out of place to me, but it's pony enough.

Here's where you really win though; when it was revealed that not only was this "BG x BG", but that an OC pony would star as an ex, I was very skeptical, and you pretty much won me over there. That confrontation was extremely well written, and amazingly emotional. The second you alluded to some "secret", I was so onboard, I don't even have words for it. I sat up in my seat through ch2.

Also, the description of the relationships, how they came about and everything, I thought that was well written. The reveal of the "secret", and again, painting Ponyville as some sort of tolerant nation onto itself makes ponies in your world to be rather more judgmental creatures than they are in my head, but I'm calling headcanon on that. I won't criticize that.

Conversations flow pretty well, too. Towards the end, Derpy's speech pattern varied a lot, and I'm not sure what to think about that. She sounds like Rarity sometimes, Applejack other times, and Twilight the rest, and I can't stop but notice. That said, and said again, I love the general relationship things there.

Here's my main problem though: the fic doesn't seem like it knows when it wants to end. We had a conflict early on, and Derpy provided the release, Ponyville the "end", but after that, there's a whole 7k (?) word chapter that serves as some sort of epilogue, complete with a week-by-week summary, and I think that could have been baked into a far shorter end.

I really like the way this is written, and if I ignore the things that weren't my speed (the wing language schtick overuse, names, Derpy and the city-nations), I think the way the fic's latter third serves as an extended epilogue is my main problem with it, but beyond that, it's competently written and I really enjoyed the midsection bits. You have some absolutely stunning descriptions, you know how to set the mood of a scene, and you write the character interactions well. Hat's off!

1809778

This is exactly the kind of criticism I was hoping to get when I posted the story, thank you! :pinkiehappy:
Allow me to try and address your points in kind.

That it's a first person fic doesn't necessarily have to be a detriment, but combined with the ship being BG pony x BG pony, I was very unsure of what to expect from this.

Basically, I was writing for a competition, the rules of which stated that the ship mustn't be common (i.e. Appledash, TwiDash, RariPie, etc). I had some trouble figuring out who to settle on, but eventually settled on Spitfire and Derpy as I don't think those two have ever been shipped before now (I'm probably wrong, but hey, such is life).
As for it being first person, I chose that for simplicity's sake, as well as to try and make it stand out a little more from the rest of the shipfics (the only ones I've personally seen in first person have been HiE fics, but that's just my experience). It was also done in order to speed the writing along; rather than try to deal with everypony's thoughts and feelings.

First, characterization is an interesting thing when you use BG ponies, because if you don't recognize canon, you make them OC's wearing a BG pony's skin. Spitfire in this fic, I can totally see. You have a lot of freedom using ponies with so little air time, so you basically just need to hit a few basic markers and you're golden. Derpy, however, I wonder about. Don't get me wrong here. I really like the pony you've portrayed, and she carries her role in the fic well, but when she has multiple canon appearances that show her as a clutz, ignoring that and having the only nod to her being "muffins", I feel it kind of missed that one hoop.

I have a basic rule for canon: Use it when it helps you, discard it like an empty can when it doesn't.
This is why Derpy doesn't fit her canon appearances. Writing a poly-amory fic was difficult enough; I didn't need the added hassle of trying to justify Spitfire's relationship with somepony who may or may not be mentally handicapped (the whole "is it right/wrong, is she taking advantage of her, blah blah blah" argument). Plus, trying to work in harmless accidents (HA! - Twilight) is more added work and something for another fic, maybe.
As for Spitfire: At the time of writing, her canon appearances were few and far between, so I just decided to go on what I thought her personality might be. She is, basically, an OC when it comes down to it. Her personality is a complete invention as I didn't know what her canon personality is supposed to be like. After this Saturday just gone, though...
(feel free to skip this bit if you haven't seen the latest episode)
I certainly won't be ret-conning in her personality from Wonderbolt Academy. Her previous canon appearances show her as fairly laid-back, so I just assume that her "boot-camp sergeant" routine is just for the camp. While I won't be re-writing her character, I will almost certainly replace her cutie-mark with the canon one when I get around to editing the fic.

You use a lot of worldbuilding stuff. Perhaps it's preferential, but I felt the whole "Cloudsdalian" thing was a little forced. We have the names dumped on us very early and very fast, and the fic makes a deal out of trying to separate the ponies--and the towns. The problem with the names isn't that it's not "canon"; heavens, adding headcanon and/or other worldbuilding to a fic is why we write, isn't it? I just think it's odd to hear them use them so overtly, because it makes these headcanony things so prominent that, if they were true, they would show in episodes. All these little things seem to serve to make all the pony types and the cities so much more apart.

This is probably down to my overly descriptive manner of writing. I'm the kind of person that, instead of simply writing "There was a flower by the road", would end up going into great detail about said flower and road. As a result, this comes through in my efforts to create a believable world.
I thought up the Cloudsdalian names because I was thinking to myself that they probably would have their own language, almost being a separate country and all. The show itself depicts all three races as being separate, from before the inception of Equestria; to even now, really. After all, most Pegasi seem to stick to Cloudsdale (even Rainbow's house is there), most Earth ponies seem to cluster around Ponyville and the Unicorns seem quite content to mostly hang around Canterlot (just taking that general area of Equestria as an example). Obviously, there is intermingling, otherwise you wouldn't see Rarity in Ponyville or Photo-Finish in Canterlot. But for the most part, I think Cloudsdale would have evolved alongside the rest of Equestria, rather than in tandem, if that makes sense, hence their having their own language.
I'm not sure how I could be less overt in their usage, since Spitfire only really mentions them maybe...twice in the whole story? It makes sense to me that Cloudsdale Pegasi would greet each other using their "real" names as well as their Canterlottian ones as a courtesy, but like you say, it's probably just preferential. Everyone has their own headcanon. :raritywink:
Can I ask though, why setting apart the locations and races is bad, in your view? Just curious.

Again, it could be preference, but I winced a little at many of these, and at times, they were overused; I don't need to be told that somepony's wings jittering is a clear sign of agitation when the words alone tell that. It got a bit much.

Noted.
I really liked the idea of Tchernobog's Mood Wings, so wanted to work in the idea here. I was trying to make sure the actual meaning of wing motion was being conveyed, so this being my first attempt at writing anything for public consumption, it's entirely possible I went overboard. Something for me to bear in mind as and when I go back through for edits.

Okay, before it sounds like I hate this fic - not even close to the case - let me mention things I really liked.

Not at all, criticism is good, long as it's constructive like yours. :twilightsmile:

The fic is very well written. There are some bits that are a little tell-y, and at times the language tends towards short and simple sentences, but that varies. Overall, this is really well written. The humanized angle with nightclubs and alcohol and sexual allusions felt a little out of place to me, but it's pony enough.

Ta very much. Would you mind highlighting examples of parts you think are "tell-y" and short and simple? My author tinted glasses won't let me see them unless they're pointed out to me. :rainbowlaugh:
As for the last three points in that quote:
1. With their strange mix of technology, it's not impossible that Canterlot would have a night-life. :derpytongue2:
2. They've got cider, so not a huge leap to imagine them having other types of booze. :raritywink:
3. I'm a follower of TAW. Make of that what you will. :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowwild:

Here's where you really win though; when it was revealed that not only was this "BG x BG", but that an OC pony would star as an ex, I was very skeptical, and you pretty much won me over there. That confrontation was extremely well written, and amazingly emotional. The second you alluded to some "secret", I was so onboard, I don't even have words for it. I sat up in my seat through ch2.

Also, the description of the relationships, how they came about and everything, I thought that was well written. The reveal of the "secret", and again, painting Ponyville as some sort of tolerant nation onto itself makes ponies in your world to be rather more judgmental creatures than they are in my head, but I'm calling headcanon on that. I won't criticize that.

Glad you liked it so much. :pinkiehappy: I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to carry off the confrontation scene well, particularly Spitfire's mental half-breakdown afterwards, but it seems I haven't gone completely wrong. :raritystarry:
The main idea was to paint Canterlot as far more prejudiced than Ponyville (which has its roots in canon), due to the high proportion of upper-class and nobility-class ponies living there. This is partially born out of the idea that tried to pen itself when I first started writing Firedance; an autobiography of Spitfire relating what life is like in Canterlot for a mare like her, behind the glitz and glamour. The prejudice, the hate, the death threats, etc. That and, as you say, headcanon. In other words; Canterlot is supposed to be portrayed as quite intolerant and close-minded, while Ponyville is meant to be far more laid back and progressive.

Conversations flow pretty well, too. Towards the end, Derpy's speech pattern varied a lot, and I'm not sure what to think about that. She sounds like Rarity sometimes, Applejack other times, and Twilight the rest, and I can't stop but notice. That said, and said again, I love the general relationship things there.

Again, glad you liked.
Can you give me some examples? Author eyes, and all that.
Same here, but more from a curiosity point of view.

Here's my main problem though: the fic doesn't seem like it knows when it wants to end. We had a conflict early on, and Derpy provided the release, Ponyville the "end", but after that, there's a whole 7k (?) word chapter that serves as some sort of epilogue, complete with a week-by-week summary, and I think that could have been baked into a far shorter end.

Now this is very interesting to me, the fact that you think it should be shorter. The end...by the end of this fic I was cramming hard for a twice-extended deadline (many gracious thanks to TAW for that). I actually feel that the end is far too clipped and rushed; the sudden change from present tense to that of past, then back again is very jarring for me. I actually wanted to give some closure to the events of the story with something much longer than this, but didn't have time to do it properly. It's the one part of the story I actually, genuinely feel I didn't do too good at.
Also, it's 4.1k words long. :derpytongue2:

I really like the way this is written, and if I ignore the things that weren't my speed (the wing language schtick overuse, names, Derpy and the city-nations), I think the way the fic's latter third serves as an extended epilogue is my main problem with it, but beyond that, it's competently written and I really enjoyed the midsection bits. You have some absolutely stunning descriptions, you know how to set the mood of a scene, and you write the character interactions well. Hat's off!

Due to my shameful lack of a hat with which to at least tip in your direction, I shall settle for presenting you with a moustache and a final thanks. :moustache:

1816443 Incredilate reply go!

>As for it being first person, I chose that for simplicity's sake, as well as to try and make it stand out a little more from the rest of the shipfics (the only ones I've personally seen in first person have been HiE fics, but that's just my experience). It was also done in order to speed the writing along; rather than try to deal with everypony's thoughts and feelings.

Yeah, it's definitively just a choice, it doesn't need to have a bearing on quality. I say this simply because it made me stop and think. It didn't harm the fic at all. For the record, though, writing third person doesn't have to include everypony's thoughts and feelings; I find a close and limited third person PoV provides me all the advantages of first person, while also giving me options. This is preferential though.

>I have a basic rule for canon: Use it when it helps you, discard it like an empty can when it doesn't.

I guess that's just something on which we disagree, but that's a simple enough matter, and doesn't require much further comment. If that's your stance on it and this was never meant to pass as/fit 100% into canon and such - if that's not a priority - then you can just ignore all my comments on Derpy and such.

For what it's worth, I draw the line at retconning myself; I don't see the point in going back to edit in stuff, so I certainly share your view and stance on not editing this to confirm to the WBA episode.

My point wrt. worldbuilding and such wasn't really about the detail and such. If you've put great thought into these details, that's of course good, but my problem with the added elements was simply in how they were introduced; quickly and brusquely, in the case of the names. On the topic of the cities and such, it probably comes down to canonicity again, so there's not much more to say about that. I agree that you can make a case for the cities being pony type themed to some degree, but instead of making it feel natural and make no point of it, it feels like you emphasized it to the point where it was distractive, that was my issue. It's not bad, it's just that when you describe Ponyville as a nation unto itself with its own laws and such, it sounds like a very different place from what I know from the show.

I didn't really take notes on which bits were tell-y and such, so it's up to you whether you'd just like to dismiss that or look for it yourself, but for what it's worth, it wasn't at all a huge problem. The whole deal with the speech I remember I noticed around the time Derpy and Spits were back home; if you just look through her lines, I don't know. She has had a very simple and neutral conversational tone for most of it, and then breaks out lines like "Get yourselves sat down then, girls," and such?

On the bigger issue, the end, I don't know what to say. It's of course your story, and my point isn't to try to convince you to change, but rather offer up my opinions. All I can say is that the final chapter starting off with a week-by-week summary in that manner created the expectation of an epilogue. It starts off with a summary that feels a little awkward, proceeds with a run-in with Dash that just confused me a little (I don't understand why she'd at all feel compelled to give up her purported middle name in that situation, but that's neither here nor there), and then we get the "end". Except that ending is then followed up by the tense-shifted actual epilogue. The latter two segments there are fine, I just think the summary-style opening to the last chapter is what throws me off and breaks the flow.

It's my mistake in taking so long to reply to your reply to my comment, so it's not fresh in my mind any more, which is sad. :|

1866756

Incredilate reply go!

Yay! (incidentally, I couldn't find "incredilate" in the dictionary) :rainbowhuh:

Yeah, it's definitively just a choice, it doesn't need to have a bearing on quality. I say this simply because it made me stop and think. It didn't harm the fic at all. For the record, though, writing third person doesn't have to include everypony's thoughts and feelings; I find a close and limited third person PoV provides me all the advantages of first person, while also giving me options. This is preferential though.

There is a name for writing third-person from one character's PoV, but I can't remember what it is. All that's coming to me is "third-person omniscient", but that's when the writer knows everything about everyone. Yeah, first-person was very much a choice in this case, just one to make the story stand out, as I think I said in my last message, so I'm just repeating myself now. :derpyderp1:

I guess that's just something on which we disagree, but that's a simple enough matter, and doesn't require much further comment. If that's your stance on it and this was never meant to pass as/fit 100% into canon and such - if that's not a priority - then you can just ignore all my comments on Derpy and such.

I'm probably over-simplifying that rule. I do try to maintain as much canon as possible, as it's useful for the world building I love so much; but if it's becoming a hassle to work with (such as, in this case, Derpy's personality), I'll discard and replace it with something to fit in with what I'm writing, or even change something slightly. For instance, I used to the official map of Equestria to get the geography of the towns right (as well as grab names for the train station timetable), but I tweaked the layout of the railway line to Ponyville a bit for dramatic purposes, as it's depicted as a straight line out of the mountain.
And no, this story was never meant to pass off as canon, but it doesn't make your comments any less valid. :raritywink:

My point wrt. worldbuilding and such wasn't really about the detail and such. If you've put great thought into these details, that's of course good, but my problem with the added elements was simply in how they were introduced; quickly and brusquely, in the case of the names.

I am not sure how else I could introduce these elements, as I think any form of monologue from Spitfire on the subject would be "off-topic" as it were and detrimental to the story. I am open to suggestions though, of course.

On the topic of the cities and such, it probably comes down to canonicity again, so there's not much more to say about that. I agree that you can make a case for the cities being pony type themed to some degree, but instead of making it feel natural and make no point of it, it feels like you emphasized it to the point where it was distractive, that was my issue. It's not bad, it's just that when you describe Ponyville as a nation unto itself with its own laws and such, it sounds like a very different place from what I know from the show.

In regards to Ponyville, that's the impression I get from the show. That it's pretty much left to its own devices as far as the crown is concerned, with very little oversight; though still under Celestia's rule, ostensibly.
As for the other cities, I'd be interested in hearing how you came to that conclusion, as it certainly wasn't my intention. My intention was to differentiate between Ponyville and Canterlot as liberal and conservative, respectively (to put it simply). To put less simply, Canterlot is supposed to be full of bigots (almost exclusively in the upper echelons of society), while Ponyville is supposed to be far more relaxed, easy going and with a "live and let live" mentality.

I didn't really take notes on which bits were tell-y and such, so it's up to you whether you'd just like to dismiss that or look for it yourself, but for what it's worth, it wasn't at all a huge problem. The whole deal with the speech I remember I noticed around the time Derpy and Spits were back home; if you just look through her lines, I don't know. She has had a very simple and neutral conversational tone for most of it, and then breaks out lines like "Get yourselves sat down then, girls," and such?

Hmm, I think I get what you're saying. That should probably be put down to inexperience on my part, as well as maybe a little rushing to get the fic out.

On the bigger issue, the end, I don't know what to say. It's of course your story, and my point isn't to try to convince you to change, but rather offer up my opinions. All I can say is that the final chapter starting off with a week-by-week summary in that manner created the expectation of an epilogue. It starts off with a summary that feels a little awkward, proceeds with a run-in with Dash that just confused me a little (I don't understand why she'd at all feel compelled to give up her purported middle name in that situation, but that's neither here nor there), and then we get the "end". Except that ending is then followed up by the tense-shifted actual epilogue. The latter two segments there are fine, I just think the summary-style opening to the last chapter is what throws me off and breaks the flow.

Like I said, I was not happy with the way the end turned out, even as I was writing it. Disappointingly, it's one of the main things that made it miss out on second place in the contest, which I have summarily kicked myself for. As and when I get the time to go through and edit this fic (there are various minor spelling and grammar issues, as well as layout problems brought about by site changes), I will give serious consideration to making that ending work better. I was generally happy with what I was writing most of the time, but that last chapter...blech.

It's my mistake in taking so long to reply to your reply to my comment, so it's not fresh in my mind any more, which is sad. :|

No worries, I think it's safe to say that we're all busy this time of year. :twilightsmile:

Holy moley text wall.

I like it but can we get that hot fixed please? :pinkiecrazy:

2002430 Text wall? What...

OH, DAMMIT KNIGHTY!

Thanks for pointing that out Merlos, I shall get that fixed ASAP.

EDIT: Sorted. Again, thank you for pointing that out to me.

“Then you'd best go. Go on, I'll make sure this “Derpy” gets your letter before you get there. Go, go!”

I nodded and with another “thank you”, I galloped away, heading for the train-station.

This stood out to me... why take a slowass train when Soarin' could've flown her to Ponyville?

2020208 Have you ever seen a pegasus carry another pony in flight in the show? They hold them, sure, but I can't say as I've seen one actually fly any appreciable distance while carrying a pony. I don't think any pegasus is really strong enough to carry another one and fly.

Apart from Rainbow Dash, obviously, but we all know she's special. :raritywink:

At least, that's my reasoning. :twilightblush:

2021751

Three things works against you for thats:
one: Wonderbolts, they train most of the day, every day. Even if they couldn't quite fly to Ponyville in a single run they'd get there quite a bit faster than a train. (as the bird flies they call it)

Two: Canterlot is on a mountain, they wouldn't even really have to fly, they could just glide most of the way (which isn't a great strain)

Three: Dash being special ? fair enough. But she carried four ponies at the same time. That's special.
Even normal (read: Non-trained) Pegasi should be able to carry at least their own weight in whatever they choose, for Soarin' who's not only heavier than Spitfire, but a Wonderbolt aswell it should be a piece of cake.

2024125

1. Source please. I haven't seen anything to suggest they train all day, every day (which Wonderbolt Academy would also back up, as Spitfire doesn't do one bit of training all through that episode), which would be impractical anyway. They'd never get anything else done, like basic necessities such as food shopping. And yes, of course they could get there ahead of any train, this is why Spitfire asked Soarin to fly on ahead. :twilightsmile:

2. Canterlot is depicted both in the show and on the official map as being a hell of a distance away from Ponyville. While yes, they could glide, it's a lot slower than flying directly there.

3. Bearing in mind that Dash was travelling at supersonic speeds at the time, so while she's almost certainly strong enough to carry them all anyway; we don't know how much was down to her actual strength, and how much was down to her own momentum carrying them back up. You've also got to remember that the Wonderbolts are about speed and agility, not necessarily strength. So while Soarin might be able to carry Spitfire around, can he do so over the kind of distance that separates Ponyville and Canterlot?

I've also got to have some dramatic license here, otherwise it'd make for a pretty boring story. It's a lot more exciting to have Spitfire suffer a panic attack/localised nervous breakdown and have her mind running rampant and obsessing over what she fears might happen; than it is to simply have her ask Soarin to carry her to Ponyville for some unbespoke reason. :raritywink:

2036126

Arguing further is pointless, since I don't want to break out the math, and everything I say can be refuted by the words: "Artistic license"
So I'll say that, while I didn't think this was a bad story, there were a few too many things that didn't really feel right to me.

Still, props for writing it. :twilightsmile:

2036159 That's fair enough. I can't please all the people all the time.

And thank you. :twilightblush:

This is a very unique story, one that I don't think I'll ever forget. Thank you for the experience.

Never have I read a poly-amorous story with that much d'aaaw, with tiny bits of sass here and there.

Quite a nice story I'll have to admit.
I like it! *throws laptop onto the ground* Another!

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