When a group of mages gather to set in motion their own events, they find a creature of grey.
When Nightmare Moon was cleansed, it was not defeated, only sealed away in the armor that was ruined in the cleansing power of the Elements of Harmony. With the help of a group of Mages she now plans to conquer not just Equestria, but also the world that a new creature she pulled in to help her as well.
There is just one small problem to that plan. The Spell misfired, she got the creature she wanted, but it had the gumption to exercise free-will and follow his own morals, it doesn't help that he has vanished. After all, how can one hide A Human in a world of Ponies? What is a nightmare to do?
Chapters (22)
Interesting concept (although I've seen it before, I'm interested in where you're planning on taking this)
Who was the unicorn with the sun emblem?
A spy for Celestia?
And how will they react to the arrival of this soldier (I'm assuming that's what he is by the clothing he's wearing)
I like how you're using alot of metaphors and similes in this story, but be careful that you don't overdo it! (Too much allusion can make the flow of the story confusing)
And repeated/similar allusions take away from the real meat of the story.
A few grammatical errors, but beyond that, it's a good start.
Good luck with the rest! (and just who the heck were those hooded guys anyways?)
That seemed... Overly Rushed in my personal opinion. You practically glossed over everything with what felt like to me was the bare minimum. Also having the creature there all of a sudden was kind of a weird ass, ball teleporting into left field kind of thing. I feel you could have done this Chapter SO much better. To tired to think of anything to help you out though.. sorry >.<
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Thank you very much for your comments.
I will go over it then and see what I can do to make it not feel rushed.
This to be honest is my first story here and I am still getting the hang of the system on posting stories, if I glossed over the items, my deepest apologies,
I will go back and fill in details, thank you very much for your critique and I will improve as much as I can. :
well if you have a good rest and still feel like you want to help, please PM if you want.
Once again thank you for your impute.
1436443
^^^
What he said!
This is a very promising story, I particularly enjoyed the dreamscape that was created inside of his mind to combat the Nightmare. It is a rather unique method and was good to read. Looking forward to see where you take this story, looking forward to more in the future!
Luna is a Princess who like to be more casual, she would like to be called luna whem alone
Send a human soldier into Equestria they said, what could go wrong they said.
When Luna said she learnt about our most powerful weapon. Did she mean the nuclear bomb or humanity itself?
Aaaaaw, why did he not have any cool stuff, like a ION-cannon beacon.
Hmmmm... Decent story. There is a bit little happening, though i look forward to epic firefights.
Another decent chapter. Wonder what Luna and/or Celestia has to say about the Lunar Guard forcibly drafting him into their ranks.
And I'm going to take a stab that Luna is the romance. xD I love it when she gets some focus, and you've done a good job overall with this so far.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
nice job
Excellent imagery and metaphors!
This Review is brought to you by the Group Authors Helping Authors (for chapter 1, I'll make another when I catch up)
Name: Revenge of the Nightmares
Grammar: 8/10
Pros: This is going to be the first HiE story, and its off to a good start.
You have a nice little level of mystery to the start, And you leave me wondering who these robed ponies are.
Cons: Grammar mainly, A couple of improper capitalization, other than that it looks good
Notes: Hello, this has a lot of potential and I look forward to catching up on this and seeing where it goes. I'll try and get through this quickly so I can post another review at the end as see if you've improved from start to current.
I hope you liked your review, Please don't forget to review one of my stories either Guardian of the Hearthfire, or Everfree Abbey.
Oh snap, I wonder what Celestia's reaction is gonna be?
Onwards!
This chapter was good, but it felt a little rushed and moved quickly.
An interesting little culture-sharing chapter. The dialogue style is a little strange, though. Kinda...too formal. IDK how to describe it
I suppose lighten up the character's speaking styles a bit?
But for now, it moves the story along, so away we go!
This was a pretty interesting, and intense chapter.
I hope that the comment Ditzy made doesn't mean that he will change into a pony. That will suck.
Nice chapter! I wonder what will happen next.
I bet that if he digs deep enough in his seemingly bottomless rucksack, he will find a Tau Cannon...
images.wikia.com/half-life/en/images/3/39/BMS_Tau_beauty.jpg
Much better than the last chapter, I must say (though the massive amount of commas and pauses in speech makes this seem like an adventure in reading William Shatner's writing or something)
Also, the bit about Luna "losing" the new moon was hilarious
I stopped reading after they started to discuss a disguise for Will. You are not going to basically turn him into a pony are you? That would honestly suck. Especially if he just ends up being in that disguise 90% of the time for the remainder of the story.
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If you had read just a little bit more, they aren't making a show of hiding him. Much like Luna and Celestia talked about what they did, it was a temporary method by which one could mingle, so to speak, and not be singled out for who they are. I'm 95% certain the author has no intention of 'ponyfying' our human in the story.
If you had read just a bit further, it would've been clearer. Don't be so quick to jump to judgements pal.
Cool, It's nice to see this update again.
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Sorry for being wary, but I have run into too many situation like this not to be.
Besides, I have already spoken with the author, and he has relieved my worries. I will just be reading the rest of the chapter, and leaving a review tomorrow.
Dat Night Mage
assets.diylol.com/hfs/abb/689/cb2/resized/jesus-says-meme-generator-jesus-says-stop-being-a-douchebag-you-douchebag-3bca6c.jpg
Methinks Luna's got her eye on William, eh?
Great chapter, can't wait for what happens between Luna and William.
Also highly anticipating the attack on Sunny Town.
The Blanks won't know what hit them. Especially with the SAW!
You need an editor, and bad. Tense and structure issues made reading this a major challenge, plus you had typos scattered throughout the document.
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ah, missed them. I am going to stop self editing these new chapters, and get an editor then.
Thank you for the heads up.
uhhg nationalism
i was expecting to see a warhead in his pack for some reason
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Well, yes, but I am sure that if this character was from, Canada, or Mexico, or Australia, they would feel the same about their own nation.
And yes I can verify that on Canada and Australia from friends of mine. I write what I know, and I know this, I assure you that if I am as I am but lived in another country. It would more then likely be the same only about the country of origin. Thank you for reading.
2598370
Trust me, when one of my pre-readers saw it, they wanted to go all out crazy on it. Trust me, I did my best with both thinking like a Nightmare, and trying to not be too Over powered.
Thank you for the comment, and thank you for the feedback
Been playing Red Alert 1/2/3 recently? I mean, soviets with weaponized spacecraft...
This one kinda just flew off for me. I had to go re-read so I wasn't missing anything.
Excellent chapter.
A few spelling/punctuation errors here and there, but overall, excellent.
Greatly looking forward to the next chapter.
Interesting and intense...and apparently Sunny Town is very real and very evil
Still have a few typos here and there and your description delivery is...a little wonky at times. But you're getting better at it
2514140 My thoughts exactly
Luna nodded her head. “The Declaration has some very pointed facts against their previous ruler.” She smiled. “I think my sister would have signed it based on the tea alone.” She dropped her voice. “She likes her tea.”
Also, Luna's explanation of where she was during the Wedding makes sense
Onward to the dawn attack!
Nice, looking forward to future updates, only recommendations is when speaking that you shorten words more, not all the time, but I found it a lot in this chapter at least.
Also I believe you spelt "Assault" wrong in the chapter title.
so..... she killed him...... to make him a lunatic ghost guard........... dafuq Luna
2845897
Well if you notice, he is still there. If anything it is symbolic.
ANd this is a more elite form of the Lunar guard. At the end it should show him waking up. Meaning that it was a dream if anything, and the event was symbolic.
Needs to have some mistakes edited, but that vision scene...jeez that was creepy
And the CMC were hilarious (lol'd at the industrial tree sap soap)
Spelling errors and grammar mistakes aside, that was quite the epic battle
And what are these feelings Luna is having, hmm?
Well then...this just got a whole lot crazier
To anybody confused what FOB stand for, its a military acronym for "Forward Operating Base".
( yo American_Brony shouldn't that really had been in your Author Note's ? )
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Ah, right, I should have thought about that, consider that added soon.
oh wow, hope your doing better after the surgery, and love the chapter
3302109
I am doing well after the surgery, that was back in July, but it takes time, won't feel like my real self till next year I was told. But I am doing better then before it.
And thank you for the kind words on the chapter.
Errr.... how do he now her name ?
And what ponny is he, its almost sound's like he is an alicorn. <<< Edit(2013-10-05): i meant William