Short HiE first person romance I wrote on a whim.
Dr. Florence Lim arrived in Equestria about a year and a half ago.
Ponyville wasn't really the place for her. Too many stares. So she moved to the Crystal Empire.
Chrysalis really misses Florence. She's saving up good behavior to go and visit her in the empire one day.
IMAGE SAUCE: https://www.deviantart.com/chopsticks-pony/art/Chrysalis-on-Hearts-and-Hooves-663061977
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You can't end it there. What happens next? Chrysalis could go to the human world, but that potentially opens up a hundred more problems considering she would be literally an alien that multiple governments and corporations would want to quote-unquote "study".
A good premise, but a little thin on the ground.
A little too much tell and not enough show.
These are the kinds of things that would add some much-needed development to the relationship.
Interesting idea, but how did they even meet in the first place? How did they even start talking?
This right here, fucking great! I love the way you wrote the rawness of her sadness right before giving her hope. This emotional shit is what makes me invested in reading. So for only beeing one chapter long and making it this compelling... That's amazing!
As a standalone story, I think it's fine. The plot is interesting and the humor and drama with which it is complemented are above all good. It gets points for originality for featuring a human female instead of the male and how the dialogue actually justifiably sells the idea that she is a genius in her field and not just telling us that she is without backing it up with evidence.
But where it falters and simultaneously where I see an opportunity for greatness, is in the fact that at its core, it is presented more as the midpoint of a larger story, with a prequel that seeks to explain how this human came to Equestria? (an accident at the laboratory where she works would be the most obvious explanation, I assume), the uncomfortable and apparently anxiety-filled first experiences of her in Ponyville. The divergences in the continuity of the cartoon that occurred and that concluded with Chrysalis imprisoned, and how our beloved Dr. Florence ended up meeting Queen Chrysalis (Maybe that line about how it 'fell out of the sky' is more literal than it seems).
And, obviously, the sequel and outcome of the cliffhanger in which this story ends. Would Chrysalis ask to go live in the human world? Would Dr. Florence give up returning 'home' just to spend the rest of her life with Chrysalis? Maybe something completely different will test the love and friendship that has blossomed between them. Who knows?
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Thanks for the comment!
I understand it's a cliffhanger, I didn't really have the energy to keep it chugging. Sorry to disappoint but this was more of a flash in the pan kinda thing
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Thank you for your feedback!
Really means a lot to have these things pointed out to me. Thanks again
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Thanks for the kind words!
This was more of stream of consciousness thing for me. Yes I probably should have developed it more (and maybe I will later) but I think it's kinda neat when stories leave things up to your imagination. Maybe I'm just crazy
. Yeah I'm probably just crazy.
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Thanks for the kind words!
THAT WAS THE SCENE THAT WAS STUCK IN MY HEAD THAT I COULDN'T GET OUT THANKS FOR THINKING THAT IT WAS GOOD
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Thank you for the feedback and praise!
Sorry yeah this story is kind of a 'get dumped in the middle of it' kind of thing. I think it's cool sometimes when stories do that (leave you wondering) BUT I also understand how frustrating it can be.
Finally, a different take on Crissie. https://youtu.be/_J6-3l3hCm0 It's about time I hope they wind up together.
How dare you! How dare you grab my heartstrings! And twist them! And pluck them! and make me feel! You magnificent bastard!
I don't really feel the writing is quite there... but overall, it's okay.
Specifically, those "I am [blank]" openers. I believe these characters are unique enough to grasp who is who without those statements. Maybe a better alternative is someone addressing them in a closing goodbye as an opener.
Or maybe at the end of their internal monologue, someone addresses their name. Or a short but distinct description of these characters via them checking a mirror or looking for a binoculars on their person. Or even an internal monologue that talks in third person.
Anyway, the story is pretty interesting to read and I can see why you had to get this out of your head.
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It's an artistic choice. It's a feature, not a bug. It's a unique style of structuring the story that shows unique vision, and it's not at all hard to understand or comprehend unless you're just skimming it and not bothering to read it.
This author is gifted and has a lot of potential, and I expect great things from the author in the future.
I LOVE it... Chryssie deserves far more stories where she gets to be happy and loved.
It's a lovely story. If you do end up expanding it into a novella or even a full novel, that's when you might want to restructure it a bit.
(Awed and en-cuted stare)
AWWWWEEEEE YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!! CHRYSI GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!! I LOVE THIS STORY MAN!!!
Mah heart is stew. Holy I was so emotion there, great story you cool writer
This was early cute! It's really nice seeing some sapphic HiE! It was also nice seeing materials mentioned lol. Thanks for the cute read!
AAAAAAH IT'S SO CUTE!
I love this story and I love that you gave it such a happy ending. This is one of the sweetest, happiest endings I've read even on FiMFiction, and I love
you for writingit. Brb, adding this story to my Cutest Of All Time bookshelfEdit: Oh yeah, and your writing style is basically flawless, as far as I can tell. Admittedly the aforementioned paragraph makes it easy to deduce that something may have biased my judgment
Edit II: Jk, I found something to correct
I think the S in "She" should be lowercase. Also, the quoted sentence should end with either a comma or a question mark.
Edit III: I found a few places where I would add commas or split sentences. Most of the "missing" commas are debatably stylistic, but here's an example where I'd add one anyway:
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Thank you for your comment! And thanks for the feedback. Rereading it I realized I've made quite a few mistakes so I will go back and fix em.