As Rarity stepped into her workroom, her sewing machine stashed in the corner and half-finished designs chucked into an overflowing trashcan, she felt her already hollow heart somehow crumble further, still in denial over one simple fact:
Rarity used to be a designer. A good one and a bad one all at once.
But... she wasn’t a designer anymore.
And if she wasn’t a designer, then she had no use to anypony.
And if she had no use to anypony, she was worthless.
And if she was worthless, she was better off dead.
Thank you to Maxima for the cover art, and to Jykinturah and RBDash for seeing the absolute worst parts of me as I went through hell last year yet staying with me as if it was the most natural choice in the world. Thank you as well to my supporters on KoFi and Patreon for having faith in me even when I didn't.
After having enough people reach out to me about the impact this story is having, I'm tentatively enabling comments.
I will say this now, any comment that is not productive to a conversation or a discussion, or that is not in good faith will be deleted because this is arguably a very important story, and perhaps one of the most important stories for me personally, and it seems for at least a few others, and I want this ultimately to be a healing story and environment. I can't curate Fimfiction as a whole, but I can at least curate this space.
I have several final projects to present today for some classes I'm taking, so writing and updates will resume later tonight and continue throughout the week until the story is done.
That is all!
mwa
I'll just repeat what I've said before. I'm glad you're still around, and that you're still creating. I wish you the best in the future, too
I'm really glad you enabled comments on this piece! You and I have brushed past one another a few times, but I've never reached out to talk to you before, so I didn't know how else to tell you that this meant something to me. I'm not totally sure you need to hear that, but on the off chance it makes you feel even an ounce more understood I'm willing to take the chance!
I've been going through the same thing lately, and inadvertantly chronicling it in a similar way through blog posts on here. It's ironic that the small audience and low pressure we all start with on here is what allows us to experiment, and our experimention is what brings us success, but experimentation is easily the scariest part of writing for a large audience. When you have ten readers and half of them don't read or like your newest piece, we can deal with that. When you have hundreds or thousands, though... I don't know. The threat of failure can be paralyzing. Personally, I've always been a competitive person and a bit of a sore loser, so there's something comforting about leaving the space when you're at a high point. But it sucks!! I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it, tbh. It's been a year and a half since I've written they way I used to. I don't know what the answer is.
I hope the reception to this piece is good. I hope you find time to talk to friends about making art, and I genuinely hope it gets easier for you soon. Maybe we can chat about this sometime and find release that way :) again, I know we don't really know each other, but I feel like we've brushed past one another quite a bit over the past few ywars. Thank you so much for sharing this piece!!
Oh hey you enabled comments, actually this is the first story I ever came across that has ever disabled comments, also the cover art for the story is the the most brutal cover for a story I have yet to see on this site.
I'll be waiting for future chapters.
This whole story so far just feels so visceral and real. I can't relate to all of it, but my god. I more adjusted my actual self when I would receive criticism of any kind, to try and meet whatever expectations people had of me. It ended up warping my sense of self, and I'm still working to undo it.
Mono, for what it's worth, your writing has been a joy, and I'm glad you're still sharing it. Whatever you write in the future, I look forward to reading it.
This is visceral on another level. I echo the thoughts 11849029 expressed about expectations, and many more can surely relate to that. Working to improve the self of your own volition, not at the cry of others is something a lot of people need to learn to do, myself included.
Thank you for sharing this story Mono, and I look forward to your future works. Your writing is some of the best I've read.
Holy cow- I just saw this story and read it today. Normally when I finish or catch up to a story recently posted or updated, I make sure to leave an honest review, where I either say I couldn't see any problems whatsoever and gush over the good stuff, or give constructive criticism if it warrants it.
I'm not doing either of those things here.
The author notes make it very clear this is a highly personal piece of writing, dealing with a history of mental fragility. I simply don't think it would be appropriate for me to leave a normal review. It just... I remember another fandom where I saw a story depicting a female character entering an abusive relationship, and the author notes explicitly stated it was based on the author's experience that they were still working through. There's simply no way I would have reviewed that story normally, and when it comes to this story and its depiction of mental health... I'm putting it in the same category.
Instead of giving a typical review, I'll say that I'm horrified you went through such a disturbing mental state, relieved that you seem to be pulling yourself out of it, and hoping that you continue to get better.
Hey there, Mono! I'm really enjoying this story so far. It's raw, almost visceral, and it's plain to see your own personal journey coming through it. A lot of stories that serve as an outlet for the author fail to fully manage as a story in their own right, but this feels totally in line with Rarity as a character, and it enhances rather than detracts from the story's main theme.
I'm interested to see where this story goes, and I hope Rarity is able to see her way back to a better place. Goodness knows I'm a sucker for a happy ending.
Hey I'm also on new ADHD meds, and my impulsively is as unpredictable as ever.
it has to be a nightmare being an element... pressure and expectations can be toxic.
This is a very good story. Good, and insightful and passionate and painful. I’m very touched by it, as I see a lot of myself, but even more I see a great deal more of you as the author.
Enjoy your time with your family and take time for yourself as well, Mono.
We’ll be here. Your stories are always inspiring and worth the wait
Good God, you are reading me, Mono. I don't wanna bring up too much about it on-site since I wanna move past it and I don't wanna drag the person involved through the mud, but I just posted a way-too-long confession on my Tumblr about how this exact thing influenced my writing. Your other stories might've made me cry before, but this one brought out the kinda tears you get from therapy. Healing tears. Thank you for putting this feelings into words and validating all of our struggles.