Specialties include comedy, robots, and precision strikes to your feelings. Hobbies include hat and watch collecting. May contain alcohol.
Princess Luna, newly back from her banishment, begins dreamwalking again and witnesses something all too real.
A hunt begins, and it will lead down a path of violence, betrayal, and a guilt that festers...
Suggested for "Suggest A Story September" by Surfing Pikachu.
Page generated in 0.095 seconds
Total duration
1,057 users online
1,791,518 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Fantastic ending! Very nice work dude!
Well written. Thank you for using my prompt!
Excellent writing
Oof, that was short, simple, and awesome.
Good one, and fitting for this month.
One correction: the last section repeatedly uses the word "attrition" when, I think, "contrition" is what's meant. "Attrition" is a process of weakening someone or something over time.
11719283
Oh, good catch! Bit surprised, I missed that, but it's fixed now!
Thanks for the suggestion and the kind words!
11719428
It is, in fact, not fully fixed; two 'attrition' remain.
Aside from that, I wanted to say that the story is quite good. However, it feel like the middle part, the investigation with the guards, felt a little out of place; they went there, talked to him, Luna wanted to check public records, and then she went on to make him confess in his dream.
This middle part adds very little to the story. Luna could have realized that the pony is easy to persuade to confess without meeting him; in fact, seeing him achieved nothing, she didn't get to know him better or anything. I think it would be better if the conversation with the murderer was more important, if it showed him feeling remorse. Of perhaps Luna can find some journal or something else pointing out to how much the murderer was suffering? Without it, it really feels like the entire story could have happened in the dreams, and Celestia, guards, and visit to the city had no consequence and no purpose.
Please don't take it the wrong way, the story is definitely good. I just wanted to point out something that I think can be improved in your future stories to make them even better. The idea was definitely very, very interesting, and makes me want to write a story about Luna solving a murder myself. It has a lot of potential.
11720208
Anyway, NOW, it's fixed.
This is what I get for not asking my editor for help and uploading a story only for it to get unexpectedly popular.
Thanks for commenting!
11720745
Thanks for taking my criticism in stride :). And I know the feeling, some of my stories suddenly became way more popular then expected, and I don't even have any editors to help...
Also, one thing I didn't mention in my comment; I love the ending. The Tantabus appearing was a surprise, and also put some of Luna's actions and thoughts in a greater context. Great idea.
Luna: We are the authorities.