Page generated in 0.034 seconds
Total duration
646 users online
1,213,240 hits today, 2,921,617 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Mother of god. This is amazing.
Oh sweet baby Jesus. this shit is awsome
The feelings, they're getting to me
Blue star was murdered in his sleep by the most powerful human in equestria, yet not the highest of rank.
ONWARDS!!!!
*Wipes Away Tears*
It's so bucking...
Beautiful!!!
Shining Armor....
*Le Sigh*
Oh well, if canon must be forced in, so be it.
Oh, that smarts.
That Blue Star is going to be trouble in the future. Its like Machiavelli said. "Man must be treated generously or destroyed utterly. For he avenges slight injuries, for heavy ones he cannot."
-teleports the Pinkie from the realm of Cupcakes into Blue Star's bedroom- well then now that THAT issue has been taken care of...
1st note is of course to keep an eye on which tense you're in. Past, or present.
Also I felt like this was a little confusing at 1st to understand whom was thinking. If it was Blue Star, or Chains. I would recommend just changing the "he heard" to "Chains heard" just to clarify that it's Chains who's hearing the voices in his head and not Blue Star.
"While Blue Star was thrashing him, he heard two conflicting voices in his mind. One was quiet, and almost impossible to hear. He couldn’t make out what it was saying. The other much stronger voice was that of the Slavers who warned him while he was being trained."
Also... it's a good story... but I feel like it's moving REALLY fast. I feel like you should slow down and take a little more time in certain places. You could either add more scenes to the story, such as have a few more Blue Star and Twi/Chains interactions (or some Chains/Twi interactions to help build up their relationship. That was really uber fast and could have done with an extra scene or so to build a stronger foundation for it) or you could add some more details to really cover certain things that you gloss over. Such as this bit you wrote at the very end.
"Twilight soon arrived with Shining Armor, and after worrying over the injured human for a moment, she finally calmed down. But the knowledge that somepony had hurt him because of their relationship, only strengthened her resolve that they shouldn’t be together.
From that day on, she kept more to her books, and spoke less lovingly to Chains, for fear that something like this would happen again.
And Chains stayed quiet, not wishing to upset his Mistress, but whenever she made a request of him, he would do so without hesitation.
So it went for the next two years.
To the suffering of both their hearts."
To increase this and add a little more depth into what's going on in your world that you're creating you could add a paragraph just talking about Twilight taking care of Chains, his broken arm and asking him why Blue Star attacked him and then her reaction to it. And a bit more into how she changed around him. You don't have to go into really depth detail and can still do more of a summary of what's going on rather than describing everything that's being said and done... but just having that info can really be helpful because it helps give us, the readers, a better sense of what's happening to these characters without making you have to go into great details about every little thing. You cover the details with the really important stuff... like you know Chains nearly losing his hands... and then a little something about Twi's reaction. Her reaction might not be the most interesting thing to read/write (to some people, I know there are people that love that kinda stuff, like myself) however it is important for the reader to know how Twi reacts to someone she really really cares about, someone she just said "I love you" to, nearly losing their hands because she kissed him. Don't brush over it so quickly, again you don't have to give us a ton of details, but I would really recommend adding in a little more to show how large an impact this incident had on Twi, and through her, Chains.
Just letting you know, its spelled as PRIVATE, not privet.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m64xuwj4rj1qhfbk9.gif
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mapy79dv4L1qgacym.gif
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m37p3jR1xu1qgzlpo.gif
DAMN YOU BLUE STAR!!
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/308/031/880.gif
Hey, Blue Star, me and invite you to help make cupcakes with us.
DONT be late!
1363593>>1366411 Why? WHY AM I LAUGHING SO DAMN HARD AT THESE!?!
On a side note...media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m50637uF691qj3ir1.gif
An interesting obstacle in the story, It shall be interesting to see how Ponyville treats their humans in the upcoming chapters.
You sir know how to deliver drama in your stories. I shall wait to see how well you'll do on later chapters.
Edit: its also nice for someone to finally give a back story to Twilight's Uncle: Star Shield. well done my man, making lore as you go. Very nice touch.
I'm having such a hard time rectifying the immense disparities here. This is trying to include the canon from the show in a word where it really doesn't belong.
I find it very hard to believe anything from the first two episodes would happen in this world. Plus, the humans are just plopped down out of nowhere and have this odd mix of cultures right next to each other. I'm seeing the humans as a major plot hole at this point. They seem completely out of place from the get go.
Given what we know of Equestria's geography and history, they would have to be exceedingly far away and their number are noted as such that they would be no threat at all. Indeed, given the superstitious nature of humans, the mere revelation that Celestia moved the Sun (and moon at the time) would instantly lead to her being regarded as the most powerful goddess in the world.
I can't buy into the setup. I'm finding more and more problems the more I think about it.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means...
And then Twilight turned both herself and Chains into centaurs, and since neither were human nor pony anymore, nopony could object to their love or to their union.
Pst. Hey Blue Star. Twilight loves Chains, a human, and not you. You mad bro?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy_umad.png
1358661 1362454 1366734 Nah, don't kill him: Just bloody him up a bit and then take his horn. He was going to take Chains' hands after all. The structures of a human with capacities that are closest to those of a unicorn's horn.
JUSTICE!!!!!! Sweet Magical JUSTICE!!!!!
Screw all this canon nonsense. If the story's good, the story's good. And this story is good.
1383291
What this guy said.
1362853
And this one.
Slow down, give more details, put in some more description but not too much. You´re already on a great way but with like a 800-100 more words, you could add much more. For example how Blue Star saw Filly Twi growing up into Twilight Sparkle, the noblemare, his ideal noblemare and how he always felt a sting in his chest/grit with his teeth seeing how close Chains is/was to Twi and that he was suspicious of him etc.
You could add more to the Twi/Chain interaction, maybe mix it with some Spike who teases them or rather worries for them that this won´t end well for them or how he reacts when seeing his two only friends suddenly start acting colder and more distant between each other after that incident.
I hope when it comes to the Show episode chapters, that you´ll take more time into putting more words and thud more possibilities and variations into the story to make it an even greater one.
That said:
I really liked how you made that flash-back about Shiny and his uncle as to his reason why he should want to become a guard as well as the last advise he gave him. I think that one gonna be really important in some later chapters...
I also liked how you made Blue Star besides feeling like a sterotype also alive. He did felt like an alive sterotype of a traditionalist noblestallion yet you gave him emotion and desire besides his goals of furthering his noble unicorn position or despice human beings: Jealousy and Twilight being his ideal noblemare.
It was those two things which showed through clearly when he hit and hurt Chains and was about to cut off his hands, it wasn´t cause that he´s in the way of his noble carrier or cause he hates humans, he said so, but you could feel his jealousy and desire to own Twilight in every sentence and action too.
I also agree with other readers that this won´t be the last time we saw him, he´ll come back just like the Joker always comes back.
You are an awesome author.
A fan of dismemberment, hmm? All I need is a hacksaw, some nails, a torch, and I will fix THAT...
oh god i feel sad for twilight.... but HA TAKE THAT BLUE STAR REJECTED THEN STRIPPED OF RANK
So... BEUTIFUL
beautiful i wonder if chains is gonna be king( cos of the eyes) and what will he's reaction be along with celestia's
As fast as i read the word apple my mind had solved the plot. Blue would find twilight and chains kissing. And i was right. :'(
So there was a war with the Changelings back in the day? Interesting; I can't help but feel that that's gonna be important down the line...
(BTW, were Changeling POWs enslaved as well? It'd be interesting to see how Chains would react to meeting a non-human slave.)
Blue Star, 28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1u6rolz481rn0kf9o1_400.jpg
2854918 preaching to the chore there.
Blue Star! YOU NO-GOOD, FILTHY, TWO-TIMING, SON OF A BITCH!
Chuck Norris, assemble the squad.
3145384 "What squad?" he asks before jumping into a panda and flying though the now busted roof.
1643886
By the nine!
Good sir, your image has failed to load, and in its wake it has left a terrible path of destruction!
Fix your shit.
My feelswhy do you do this world?
JESUS, TWO YEARS OF TEEN ANGST!!!??? Surely a fate worse than death.
3381910
Dear god your right man! That would.... -picks up dictionary- uhhhh.... Oh yes! Suck
Well that answers my previous question, and I'm surprised how well you played both shining and celestias personalities off to be on chains side. I can honestly say that I would have never expected that kind of friendliness from him and that raw anger from her. It was amazing!
Methinks blue star be mad
3436345 they both stand up for the weak and defenceless no matter who they are that they are defending
>You and you’re family are worth fighting for
This story has many errors
Tsk tsk tsk.
SHIT WENT DOWN
2854918
3143663
3145384
HECK YEAH!!!
Everypony gang up on Blue Star! Strip the flesh, salt the wound! (maniacal laughter)
warosu.org/data/3/img/0004/12/1393594222946.jpg
Shit's gon get real, I can feel it.
I was expecting Twilight to request a different guard on the first day. Wasn't so odd that she didn't, but what IS strange is that she put up with him for eight years. You'd think some kind of altercation would have happened sooner.