I am an Eldritch Horror that likes gay horses.
Sunset and Twilight have known each other for a good number of years now. They've grown incredibly close over that time; falling in love, moving in together, and even getting married. Ask any of their friends, and they'd tell you it was a match made in heaven. Truly, there isn't a thing in the world that could pull these two apart.
... Except perhaps, a single lie. More specifically, the truth behind the lie.
A Horror submission for the A Thousand Words Contest.
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The basic idea is neat and during the story's emotional high-point (the creature admitting she does still love Shimmer, before morphing) I felt pretty invested. However, and I'm sorry to say this, the ending fell flat for me. Sunset doesn't remember the whole ordeal, the monster still seems to be able to control itself and act as Twilight and there is nothing really implying that this would change any time soon. It's a return to the status quo and as evil or vicious the creature might have been once, it clearly isn't like that anymore so arguably any other situation would simply be worse.
things are gonna change, i think Sunset will always have doubts now
11609951
Thank you for reading, and for your honesty. I had a few different ideas for the ending originally, one of which being Sunset willingly submits to the monster, living in self-imposed denial, but ultimately I found that her simply writing it off as a bad dream felt more... natural, so to speak. Cognitive dissonance is a powerful thing, and people don't like to break the status quo, even if it's better for them in the long run. When posed with a horrifyingly uncomfortable reality, and a comfortingly familiar one, people will usually choose the latter. At least, that was my reasoning for writing it this way. Again, thank you for reading, and I'm sorry this story disappointed you.
Rewrite everything after this, and the story works better. As it is, the ending ruins it for me, and I don't buy what you said in another comment.
11609951
Same.
11609975
I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. As it stands, I don't plan on changing the ending. I tend to preserve the integrity of my works and typically only make grammatical or spelling changes if need be. I am currently content with this piece, even if you were disappointed by it. If the greater masses so decide that this was a failure, it shall be mine to bear and learn from; but I will not bend over and re-write this just because you told me to. That being said, thank you for reading, even if you ultimately did not enjoy it.
11609957
That could've been an interesting one, but I understand your reasoning why you didn't.
Sorry, I wasn't really clear in my original post. The only thing I'd change about your current ending is cutting this line:
And instead making it more obvious that Sunset remembers the events. This way the story could end on her saying something along the lines of "Yeah... just a dream", thus leaving it hanging whether she ultimately believes her own words or just plays along either out of fear / denial.
But that's just me and to say positive stuff as well, the transformation sequence is nice, Twilight's death is as tragic as you can make with so few words and "monster with a heart" is a nice trope. Good luck in the contest!
11609990
Then I question why it continued as it did. Leaving what happened up in the air would've worked as well. Stupid 1,000 word minimum, and for the contest.
(and bring me your salty tears, downvote botts. I don't care).
I would’ve played along until i can get the girls together to kill it.
I liked it, though I think the darker angle you could of taken isSunset willingly acknowledging this and accepting it. Rationalising it as "The Twilight I fell for was you, not my friend who died in a cave"
I really like it when monsters are actually nice, and this is a heartbreaking take on it. The ghoul did end up falling in love and getting over its evil urges. But she ends up being rejected by Shimmer in a sad, but very understandable way, so she powers through and puts the mask back on.
11610163
Perhaps if I hadn't decided to make this for the Thousand Words contest, I may have done more with it. Perhaps that might have come up eventually, but not with this story, I'm afraid.
11610290
That was in fact one of the four endings I had envisioned for this fic. Alas, I had to choose one, so I went with the "Sunset lives in uncertain dread" ending. Felt appropriate.
11610305
Sometimes all you can do is put on a mask for the ones you love. Better to hurt yourself than to hurt them.
Thank all three of you for reading and commenting! I appreciate it!
If I were Sunset I'd realize at that point that the "Twilight" I knew was more this ghoul than the actual, first Twilight I met. The ghoul is the person Sunset married. Sunset just didn't quite realize. If my partner revealed to me that they killed and ate my actual partner a year into my relationship I'd be like "uh. jesus" but likely still come to the conclusion that like. I still love this person.
Long story short classic Sunset W
11610343
Understandable
the ghoul pretending to be my wife: "please, babe, you're scaring me!"
me, erratically waving loaded pistol: "DONT LIE TO ME BITCH!!!!"
This is a truly terrifying twist. Even coming clean does this Twilight no good, as now both parties live on a mutually fragile love limbo denial, shatterable at any instant. The possibility of the resulting mental spiral from that, the mere fear, feels a greater horror then your partner being a ghoul...
I feel bad for not Twilight. Now she knows that Sunset will never accept her as she truly is.
As far as the actual writing itself goes, I feel like a little more lead-up to the confession would have helped add more tension, and a little more ambiguity towards the ghoul’s actual appearance might have made it scarier, though I understand fear may not have been the feeling you were exactly trying to evoke.
(It’s actually kind of funny, my first attempt for the contest also had a similar monster in it. Great minds…)
Anyway, a very interesting story. Best of luck in the contest, fellow competitor!
When I was reading this, I was thinking how you could swap them with Shining Armor and Cadance/Chrysalis.
aww that would be a source of discomfort
oh that is such a Sunset response lol
oh that is, uh, a lot to take in!
ooh that is horrifying on a primal level! though in a world where such creatures actually exist i can’t help but wonder: do these features register as “horrifying” to us due to evolutionary adaptation to their existence?
oh, boy! this is good! i guess ghoul-Twilight got her answer as to what Sunset knowing the truth would look like, and since she truly does love Sunset it makes sense to just conclude that the best course for her now is to play it off as a nightmare and live this lie.
but wow, the prospect really raises a lot of questions about just what it would be like for ghoul Twilight to live with that guilt. could she justify it to herself forevermore? could she say Sunset and her friends never finding out would cause the least pain to all involved? and, philosophically, what is the difference between this ghoul Twilight and the original, considering she has her exact memories and wants to live her life the exact same way? at this point, she could have been with Sunset for longer than the original Twilight had known her!
so much to think about! this is great horror on more than one level, excellent work!
The word limit really worked against the pacing here. The revelation feels out of nowhere because there’s no room to establish Twilight’s gnawing guilt or establish the existence of ghouls ahead of time to avoid making the reveal feel completely random. And there’s no space for Sunset to really digest the revelation, or show its long-term impact on their relationship. This is a good concept, but a poor fit for the contest. Still, thank you for the entry.
This is actually sad, imagine dying and then being replaced.
It not sad that Twilight died, since I'm mainly used to it after the hundred times I already seen her die, but being replaced? Ya now that's a new type of empathy.