Trixie is alone on Valentine's Day, again. Trying to make the best of it, she goes to a bar by herself, where she meets a mean girl who calls her a loser. But she's really cute, so what can you do?
Credit for the Cover Art belongs to AmazingPuffhair
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My only complaint is that there aren't more chapters.
Very nice. Would be great if we got a sequel.
Bit too short, but otherwise pretty good.
Well written too, no spelling or grammar mistakes i could detect.
As soon as I saw that image, I knew it’d be used as inspiration for a story at some point.
This one isn’t too bad, though it’s certainly faster than it ought to be. There are a lot of moments where things just move forward without taking even any real time to let something actually exist, so you should probably try and add some more detail to those types of moments in the future, as it make them both deeper, filling them with more emotion, and longer, which gives them more room to breathe.
The Horizontal-Rules are a bit strange too, as they’re generally used for harder transitions between scenes, not a character recalling some event, which generally uses italicization for the entire memory. While you’re certainly free to use your own style of writing, it does make more sense to fit the general format of all other writing on this site so readers can properly interpret what you’ve written, rather than thinking it’s something different.
Other than those two main points, I’d say this story is pretty solid, with decent characterization, a logical flow of events, and the beginning section of a hallow lack of romance works pretty well when you mention how suffused romance is in the world around Trixie.
11504791
First of all, thank you for taking the time to write a review.
Both those points ring true, and while I won't make big additions to the text to try and fix the former, I#ll at least try to do something with the formatting.
11504868
I know, I’m just commenting so you can be aware of it for future stories.
This was a nice way to do Sonata, she was perky but not too stupid. And Trixie, too, wasn't insufferable and didn't refer to herself much in the third person, which made it much more palatable. Sonata being so cool about just walking out without paying is a nice way to add smoothness to her rebel nature in a low-key way.
Some other comments here have mentioned it being short or quick. I don't think that's quite it; I think it's that sometimes it spends time in the wrong places. I don't think the opening scenes setting up Trixie being alone were all that necessary - I think it could have just opened in the bar and had a paragraph or two of her musing about being alone, with Sonata turning up straight after. That would have given you an extra 750 words to play with of them interacting together, which is the great joy in a shipping story.
I'd also just like to highlight this paragraph:
I think the 'Trixie opened her mouth to rebuke her' part is serving as an action tag for the dialogue. It makes it sound like Trixie is the one who is talking here, not Sonata. I think it could be clearer if the phrasing was altered a little. If you're not going to use a traditional 'Sonata said' dialogue tag, I'd make sure that the first action described right after the dialogue line is something done by the character speaking, not by the one reacting to it. Or, if you do want to show the reaction as the first thing, I'd make that a new paragraph.
Thanks for writing! These two make a fun pair, they're both mischievous, moderately evil and not that good at it.
11504875
Thank you for your input.
Though, while it might be bad etiquette to argue with criticism, I still want to say, it's not like I'm operating on a word budget.
Writing less words in one section won't "free them up" elsewhere. I do think it is more apt to say I didn't write enough in the main portion, but the solution wouldn't be cutting out other sections.
11504891
I agree, there's no word limit in sight here. But sometimes we subconsciously have these things in mind ourselves, whether it's how long a story should be to remain light and casual or just how much time we want to put into writing this particular tale.
11504654
I agree, exactly 42 words too short.
11504916
i was thinking more along the lines of a few . . thousand . .
That was super sweet!
Crackshipping one-shots are so cool!
Heh, classic!
Ok this was super cute and got my heart racing I feel like your really nailed trixy but that wasn't sonata felt more like aria. Sonatas a cute giggler who only is mean because she's a child of neglect and knows no better and even then trys to be nice when her sisters aren't around. Aria is the punk the jerk the tunsudere and would definitely skip a tab and take every chance to piss off her sisters bully love is her language. Sonatas love language is tacos and hugs
Bully Sonata is great! ♡
Ooh. Ooh she's smooth. Shit.
Yeah no I don't blame Trixie, she would have had me around her finger too. Goddamn.
Sometimes finding love takes patience.
Like that's gonna work.
Doesn't she mean sisters?
At least she got a girlfriend out of this.
11645833
My thought was that Adagio would be upset, but Aria wouldn't care.
11646103
Got it.